Pseudo-Science of Love!

The 7 Stages of Searching for Mr/Ms Right

2011-06-04T10:30:00.006+01:00

Finding that special someone is harder for some people than others. The chart above shows the seven stages of searching for a life partner. While there are people who get married at 16 and others who tie the knot at 99, most people fall into a general pattern. For simplicity, I assume the search starts at 18 and continues until you find someone or you keel over! The seven stages are:

Nonchalance: This stage lasts from the age of 18 to the age of about 25. You're young and carefree and just want to have a good time with your friends. The last thing on your mind is settling down; the world is your oyster after all!
Optimism: At or about the age of 25, most people begin to keep an eye out for a potential partner. While the partying may not stop, the motives for going out gradually changes. You're young and vibrant - it can only be a matter of time before you meet someone, can't it?
Concern: As your single friends start to drop off like flies and you're still searching, the worrying starts. It starts as a slight nagging doubt, but as you approach 28-30 (women) or 30-33 (men), let the panic begin. Many of your friends' partners have tried setting you up, but there's still plenty of time and opportunity, right?
Desperation: If you're still single by 33-35 (women) or 35-38 (men), you're hit by a double whammy. Not alone are there fewer single people your age to choose from, you find it harder to meet the remaining ones. This leads to desperation creeping in as your biological clock starts ticking in earnest. Your supply of willing wingmen has dwindled to practically nothing, so unless you hit the Internet, it's harder to meet someone*.The pressure to find someone (almost anyone, as some of your family might think!) is intense as the spectre of enforced bachelorhood/spinsterhood looms large! This turns into a vicious cycle as the more desperate you become, the less appealing you are, which increases your desperation......
Resignation: As your milestone 40th birthday approaches and you're still on the lookout, you begin to resign yourself to the fact that eternal happiness is about to pass you by! You may even rationalise that you are happy focusing on your career or that you were destined for a higher purpose, neither of which keep you warm at night! However, the sad truth is that it's looking very likely that you're one of the unlucky few destined never to meet that special someone.
Acceptance: Shortly after the above stage, it's time to accept your cruel fate. It appears you are destined to roam the earth alone. If you're a woman, it's time to buy that cat if you haven't already done so!
Apathy: You've reached your early to mid 40s and realised that this true love malarkey was a pile of pants. You don't even bother to look any more, seldom going out as you're now the oldest swinger in town. You've even abandoned the minefield of Internet dating, even if it did allow you to meet ostensibly suitable people from the comfort of your own home. If it was true what they say about it happening when you least expect it, then no one would be single after the age of about 45!

Obviously, once you start looking, the earlier you find someone in the process the better. However, judging by the amount of married friends that seem to envy your freedom, losing out on true love might not be so bad after all!

*Men have it slightly easier as it's more socially acceptable to go for a younger woman. However, the rise of the cougar has redressed this inequality somewhat!

Text Maniacs

2009-12-21T22:06:00.022Z

A couple of recent (and not altogether pleasant!) encounters with members of the opposite sex inspired the above graph, which shows the relationship between the number of text messages a person sends and how crazy s/he is!

At one end of the scale, you have the person who steadfastly refuses to send any texts at all, which is somewhat irrational in itself. However, it pales in comparison with the other extreme, where the incessant texter lurks. This behaviour is marked by the following characteristics:

A non-stop stream of texts, many of an inane and/or incomprehensible nature.
If a reply to any of their short electronic missives is not sent within 2 minutes, a torrent of texts is unleashed along the lines of "r u ok?" or "wats wrong, hun?". Note to psycho texters: NOTHING IS WRONG - LEAVE ME ALONE FOR GOD'S SAKE, I'M TRYING TO RELAX/WATCH TV/HAVE A LIFE!!!
Once you realise you're corresponding with a nutbar and try to withdraw, cue the "psycho cycle of texts". Even after making it clear that you want no further contact, this cycle starts with old chestnuts like "r u ok?" or "how r u?", moves on to the abusive, e.g. "F@@k u, u b@@tard/B@tch" and followed by the begging/pathetic, e.g. "wat av I done?", "can we meet plz?" or perhaps some unintelligible gobbledygook. After a respite of say, 15 minutes (or an hour or two, if you're lucky!), your unhinged text buddy simply restarts the cycle, somehow expecting you to have forgotten the mental behaviour already exhibited (multiple times!).

The moral of the story? Be very careful to whom you give your mobile phone number! Note that even a joke condition like "Promise not to text me more than 200 times a day?" does not work! The best way to deal with this unsettling situation is to ignore the texts in the hope that the message finally sinks in. Do NOT engage the deluded at any cost as this only gives them licence to continue the harassment. In the likely event of ignoring them failing, getting their number blocked or reporting them to the police are unfortunately your only options.

To prevent this situation from arising, it would be a very good idea to buy a disposable mobile phone (or SIM card) and use it to communicate with new amours. This is particularly good advice for those using Internet dating, where spotting psychos in time is much more difficult. That way, in the worst case scenario, you can simply dump the phone and not inconvenience yourself or the more normal people you’re in contact with!

SAD (Singleton's Affective Disorder)

2009-02-12T09:04:00.010Z

The above diagram is a simplified representation of the average singleton's year*. Personal calamities aside, those bereft of love can trundle along on a fairly even keel for most of the year. However, there are two periods when even the most ardent of loners feel a pang of self pity.

The first of these unfortunate annual periods is centred around midnight on New Year's Eve. This really gets the new year off to a crappy start for those with no one to pucker up to in the first few minutes of it. In fact, the slump starts for most people in the run up to Christmas when there is no one special to celebrate the festive season with.

You've hardly got over that thorny period when you're plunged back into singles depression a few short weeks later. The largely manufactured Valentine's Day, corny and over hyped as it may be, still has many singletons forlornly watching the letter box, desperately hoping that someone somewhere actually fancies them. The crushing disappointment from a lack of cards, flowers, romantic candlelit dinners etc. can really grate until you become sufficiently cynical sometime in your thirties.

The good news is that from February 15th on, it's a mercifully relatively clear run for ten months until the SAD kicks in again the following December!

*In the Western world. Many around the world follow the Chinese New Year and/or do not celebrate Christmas.

Only he who dares, wins

2009-01-15T20:22:00.004Z

As stated in a much earlier post, a man needs to be brave, to be proactive in his dating career. Well, assuming he wants a successful one, that is! For all their talk about equality, the majority of women still prefer a decisive man who takes the lead in such matters. After all, what woman really wants a wuss? So, to be a hit with the ladies, a guy really has to make a lot of early running.

However, as the graph above shows, in general the opposite is true for women who make "obvious" moves on men. While I would personally love it (if it ever bloody well happened to me!), many men feel emasculated when confronted with this gift horse and proceed to eyeball it in the oral cavity! This is akin to earning more than him, driving him around or being smarter or taller than him. These are all roles that men are conditioned from childhood to believe that they must fulfil in a relationship. Therefore, making an obvious move can backfire for a woman if the target is even the slightest bit insecure.

Usually, women get around this dilemma by using hints of varying degrees of subtlety to get the man to think that he in fact is making the decisive move!

Internet dating - avoiding a pig in a poke

2008-12-04T08:29:00.009Z

As mentioned in the original post on Internet dating, chatting away to a potential date on the web can result in extreme disappointment. After prolonged bouts of exciting flirting, hours of playful banter and many deep and meaningful conversations, the real life meeting eventually occurs. This can burst the romantic bubble as you didn't get what you were expecting, s/he wasn't as advertised or the real life sparks simply didn't fly.

As the graph above shows, the probability of disappointment is dependent on how familiar you were with how the person really looks before you met. This is particular true for men, the more visual of the species. If you have relied solely on the tapping of the keyboard for the virtual romance, the first real date is Russian Roulette, my friend! Marginally better is the old picture, which may have been taken many dinners ago.

Even a recent picture can be misleading, especially in the age of photo editing. Therefore, if possible you're best advised to see your cyber-date on web cam before committing to a real life romantic encounter. If you manage to see the object of your virtual affection in his/her birthday suit on cam and you're still disappointed on meeting, you've only yourself to blame!

Films (movies) men and women like

2008-10-10T20:12:00.008+01:00

The kind of films liked by men are markedly different to those liked by women. As the picture above illustrates, guys tend to like Arnold Schwarzenegger type movies with blood and guts, explosions, guns, gadgets and the like. On the other hand, women tend towards romance flicks and Jane Austen type costume dramas (whatever they are about!).

This leads to all sorts of problems when going to the cinema on a date or deciding on a DVD to watch. He wants the action blockbuster, while she wants the flowery love story. Many a man has had to sit through an agonising 2 hours of pure pap just to further his chances with his damsel!

Internet dating - enthuasism

2008-09-16T09:35:00.010+01:00

OK, you're disillusioned with (or too busy for) traditional dating, so what do you do? Nowadays, you hit the Internet. Once you get over the fact that you're not a saddo for using it, you take to it with gusto. All these potential partners available from the comfort of your own home is amazing in the beginning. After a few weeks, you're flying and arranging dates left, right and centre.

However, it doesn't take long to realise that Internet dating is even worse than traditional pub/club dating. You never thought there could be so many perverts/married people/psychopaths/pathological liars concentrated in the one place. At least in the pub, they are in the minority! Then there's the complete lack of chemistry with the decent folk you meet online.

Therefore, you tend to get sick of Internet dating relatively quickly. It usually takes the order of several months as opposed to years for traditional dating.

Traditional dating - enthuasism

2008-09-16T08:44:00.008+01:00

When you're let loose on the world in your late teens, you start off somewhat overawed and unsure with the pub/club scene. After a few months, you get into the swing of things and it all seems so exciting. You're fleeing the nest, spreading your wings and enjoying your new found independence. Nights out with the lads/girls are the highlight of your week and hopefully there's even fairly steady action.

Unfortunately, these halcyon days don't last forever. If you don't meet your dream partner within a few years, your friends certainly will. All of a sudden, there's no one to go with, and even if you did, the never ending trawl through the drunk, vacuous and the self absorbed for the special someone starts to lose its lustre. Thus, nights out start to get more desperate and depressing and you start looking for an alternative way to meet people. Unfortunately, nowadays, that means the Internet.

Move in mysterious ways

2008-08-27T09:33:00.008+01:00

If there is one thing I've noticed during my long and unsuccessful career as a womaniser, it's that being an open book is very bad for business! Women seem to like a bit of intrigue, a splash of mystery, a smidgen of uncertainty. The does he/doesn't he, is he/isn't he element seems to psychologically keep them on the toes and add an aura of desirability around you. To be fair, it can also drive a man nuts when the woman he is pursuing is clouded in suspense.

It's vital to keep something in the locker until the object of your affection has developed some feelings for you. Becoming boring and predictable only works after that point!! As the graph above shows, the tighter you keep your cards to your chest and the more enigmatic you are, the more success you will have with the opposite sex. This may well help explain why James Bond is such a big hit with the ladies!

When to meet your Internet amour

2008-07-29T19:54:00.007+01:00

Following on from a much earlier post on Internet dating, the above graph shows the optimum time for meeting someone off the Internet. While there is no hard and fast rule and it depends on the frequency and intensity of contact, it is generally a bad idea to meet someone too quickly. Women need to be extra careful in this regard from a security perspective, given the high number of weirdoes online. Equally importantly for men, it's best to time the time to establish via photographic evidence that she's a possible, due to the large number of mingers* on-line!!!

For reasons already outlined in the referenced post above, leaving it too long is also bad, as your expectations tend to lose the run of themselves! In extreme cases, a man may leave it so long that he even enters the dreaded friend zone. This is quite an achievement with a woman he hasn't even met!

So, when to take the plunge? It's generally the man that makes the move (although not as much as in "real life") and it's important to time it well. Too soon and you could give off the impression that you're a player or over anxious, which is never good with the opposite sex. Too long and they might think you're not interested. As shown in the graph above, the best time to "pounce" lies in the week to month range, depending on frequency of contact. The point to remember is don't force it. Wait until you get a sense of his/her personality (yes, guys, it does matter!) and it feels right to broach the subject of hooking up for a real date. If the opportunity doesn't arise in the first few weeks, try to subtlety guide the correspondence in that direction. If s/he doesn't bite, it might be best to move on as there are plenty of cyber-fish on the Internet!

*A minger is UK slang for someone not particularly blessed in the looks department!

Take care to be careless

2008-06-21T10:38:00.006+01:00

Closely relating to the relaxation post, the graph above shows that the more you care about the other party, the less dating success you will have. This is particularly true for guys, but I believe it works both ways. There's something about a challenge that seems to get people's juices flowing.

When the pursuer or pursued seems to be keen this is often perceived as being a bit of a turn off. I suppose every good hunter enjoys the thrill of the chase before landing his or her prey! The prey also seems to enjoy outfoxing the hunter, throwing down multiple obstacles as challenges before deciding to be allowed to be caught or not.

While it's obviously very difficult to do with someone you are very attracted to, the best strategy with a potential new suitor/romantic target is to turn the nonchalance up to 11 and proceed from there!

Retail Apathy

2008-03-23T12:24:00.003Z

I've gone on about shopping quite a bit already (e.g. here and here), but my recent experience of trailing behind a woman in a shopping mecca causes me to revisit this topic (again!).

I (mercifully) hadn't done this for quite some time, but the natural male response wasn't long kicking in again. As the graph above shows, the (straight, average) man's tolerance for shopping is very low, in the order of minutes. On the other hand, the (average) woman's tolerance for spending/browsing/trying on stuff approaches the age of the universe!!!

After about 20 minutes the average man has just about had enough. He has found his target items, tried them on (if absolutely necessary!) and purchased them. If he is alone, great - he can leave. However, if the poor guy is accompanied by his beloved, the nightmare is only beginning! He can kill a few more minutes eyeing up the females in the shops or browsing in the lingerie section, but even this gets tedious pretty quickly. After about 40 minutes, he really, really wants to leave. Unfortunately, he must persevere and hope that saying everything looks great on her will expedite the process!

After an hour, he starts getting narky and drops "subtle" hints about calling it a day. Undeterred, she soldiers on as his protestations fall on deaf ears. At the 2 hour mark, he suffers retail meltdown and world war 3 breaks out on the shop floor!! The moral of the story? Obviously, never go shopping with your woman unless you want to engineer a break up fight with her!!

Blowing in the wind

2008-02-08T15:51:00.000Z

Following on from much earlier posts about male hygiene decreasing when living with a partner and in a marriage, the above diagram shows the typical male's farting behaviour from the earliest stages of a relationship.

In the very early days of a new romance, he is on his best behaviour and farting in the woman's company is completely out of the question. As time passes, he may risk easing one out in a noisy, busy and/or outdoor location. Occasionally he will be caught out, but if he is judicious, he can always blame someone/something else for the unseemly waft.

Unfortunately for the woman, the man will eventually arrive at a point in the relationship where he feels he can fart with abandon. This point is marked by "C" on the graph above and marks his entry into the relationship comfort zone. Although tricky to negotiate, this point can not come quick enough as far as a man is concerned. The rear floodgates open and soon he ramps up to maximum performance which, unlike other functions, he can impressively maintain for many decades!

Favourite places - women

2008-01-14T20:02:00.000Z

Unsurprisingly, on the whole, women tend to like different places to men. The graph above shows the places where women like to hang out. The constituent factors associated with these locations are also displayed. A lot of gals splash out on expensive gym membership to get that bod into shape, sometimes with a buddy for motivational reasons. In a lot of cases, any old gym won't do - it has to be exclusive in some way, either in terms of clientele or gender (or both). After all, have be seen in the right place as well as get buns of steel!

The beach is also favoured by ladies, although for slightly different reasons. Where else can she so effectively show off that toned physique while getting it bronzed? She can grab a couple of loungers with friends and spend the day pretending to be upset at all the male ogling, in between frolicking in the ocean and playing beach volleyball in her g-string!

Next favourite place is the beauty salon, where she can be peeled, wrapped, exfoliated, manicured, pedicured, colonically irrigated and waxed to an inch of her life (and they are only the ones I've heard about!). Following that is the specialist centre for the coiff - the hairdressers. Some women go on a weekly basis, despite the fact that they are hideously overcharged for the privilege. Still, anything to look good, eh?

Of course, the winner had to be the shops - where most women would spent their all their waking hours if possible. Ideally visited with a friend (so that they can assure each other that they look absolutely fabulous in everything), these money pits act like the flame to a moth. Where else is she going to find that killer outfit to go with her new lipstick or add to her collection of 300 pairs of shoes?!

And guys, don't think that all this preening is for your benefit, because it isn't. It's for the ultra-competitive world of bitchy females!

Favourite places - men

2008-01-14T16:13:00.000Z

This chart shows some of a man's favourite places and the components that make it so enjoyable for him. It does differ from the woman's list somewhat! First up is the restaurant where a man can eat his his favourite meal ('other' on chart above) while ogling at the waitresses. Best enjoyed with a couple of mates and washed down with beer. Next up is the sports arena where he can support his favourite team ('other' on chart above). Not many chicks to ogle at, but he can usually drink beer with his mates either before or during the game. Americans have an advantage here because they have cheerleaders!

The first of the big 3 is the trusty bar, where a man can hang out with his mates, drink beer and ogle at chicks. You can even watch sports on the big TVs ('other' on chart above). Does it get any better than this? Yes it does, because you have the strip club where he can do all of the above (except watch sports on TV), but the women are (almost) naked!

Besting even the strip club is the humble beach. Much the same as above, but the beer is much cheaper, there's no cover charge and a man can get a tan! You can even go for a swim or play games ('other' in chart above) between ogle sessions. Downsides are melanomas and the chicks aren't as slutty, although this does depend on the beach!

Internet descriptions - male

2008-01-06T13:06:00.002Z

Compared to women, men on the Internet can lie about just about everything. Nothing is sacred - their height, weight, age, looks, hair situation, marital status, complexion, build, financial status, occupation and just about any other trait you can think of. Everything is fluid and can be adapted to woo a particular Internet prey.

As the diagram above shows, it really is caveat emptor* for ladies on-line! Of course there are genuine and/or attractive blokes in cyberspace, but it's hard to find them, outnumbered as they are by the cowboys, chancers, perverts and married guys looking for "fun"!

Some people on the net are lucky that they aren't arrested for fraud! I don't know if the short, bald, fat, old guy thinks the woman won't notice when they finally meet that he isn't young, tall, dark and handsome as claimed. I guess there are insecurities there and the forlorn hope is that she might overlook the "little" lie and see the real man within.

Corny as it sounds, I think that honest really is the best policy on-line. What kind of relationship starts off with a lie? One that's trying to get someone into bed, perhaps! If it's a longer term arrangement that you're after, it's best to use a recent picture and a realistic self appraisal and let the chips fall where they may. After all, you do ultimately want a person to like you for the real you, not an idealised, fictitious version of you.

*Buyer beware!

Internet descriptions - female

2008-01-04T15:11:00.002Z

Further to the post on Internet dating, unfortunately one really must take profiles on Internet dating sites, chat rooms, social networking sites, instant messaging systems and the like with a large pinch of salt. For men, this means adding about a stone (14 pounds or 6.4kgs) to a woman's claimed weight and usually downgrading their claimed appearance by about one notch. This leads to a lot of disappointment when meeting women off the Internet. Men tend to be shallow, visual creatures, after all.

This is displayed in the mapping diagram above. On the left hand side, the body mappings are shown. Let's face it - a lot of women tell porkies about their weight. Sure, there are gym buffed and honest ladies in cyberspace, but a lot of women seem to be misleading about their actual body type.

The right hand side of the diagram above shows the appearance mappings. Again, this tends to be exaggerated somewhat on profiles, so it's best to be sceptical. Again, occasionally you do see bona fide hot chicks on profiles, but by and large you'd have to question why they need to use the Internet at all. The answer, you'll find in most cases, is to lure you to their web site where they are waiting for you (or more specifically, your credit card!).

If they are over about 35, you might as well add about 5 years on to their purported ages for good measure! I've seen some very suspect "35" year old female profiles in my time, I can tell you! Or maybe I'm just ageing extremely well!

Whether it's self-delusion or deliberate obfuscation, it's never nice to be sold a bum steer! But however bad women may be on the honesty front, they pale in comparison to their male counterparts!

Out of sight, out of mind

2008-01-03T11:00:00.004Z

Following on from the post on long distance romances, another well known problem with parted couples is the wandering eye. Granted, this is a more of an issue with the male of the species. Indeed, some guys probably jump into Internet chat rooms looking for "fun" when their other half nips down to the shop!

The graph above shows this phenomenon for both males and females. As the distance between the couple increases, the likelihood of one (or both!) of the partners "playing away from home" follows suit. A lot of men separated from their women by a large distance would be at least tempted to avail of an available opportunity. Before you gals get on your high horse, you are not entirely without sin in this regard either. Just watch the film "Up in the Air"* for proof of this!

This is why you should never agree to your partner going on a sun holiday with the girls/lads!

*George Clooney stars in it and it's a good movie, so it shouldn't be too onerous to watch it!

Underwear evolution - women

2007-12-12T11:45:00.001Z

Unlike their male counterparts, the amount of material used in female underwear has been steadily decreasing over the last number of centuries. Indeed, so much so that, short of going commando, this trend unfortunately can not keep continuing and must level off. Thus, we are left with an exponential decrease, as shown in the graph above. For direct comparisons with men, bras are not included in this treatise, despite the growing number of men who need them!

Back in the middle ages, a potential suitor would need a machete to hack through the layers of chemises, smocks, petticoats and the like that a woman used as underwear. This cornucopia of genital attire possible doubled as a chastity belt of sorts! By the early 1900s, this mercifully had been whittled down to mere bloomers. The trend continued through to bikini style briefs and the g-string - surely the acme of female underwear design!!!

I have noticed that the string nature of modern women's underwear would appear to the untrained male eye to be giving them constant wedgies! While this would seem to be most uncomfortable to a man, the absence of "undercarriage" does have to be factored in! Unfortunately, most of this empirical evidence has been gathered from VPL (visible panty lines) and not, err, investigations in the field!

Underwear evolution - men

2007-12-12T10:57:00.002Z

The variation in the amount of material used in male underwear (also known as jocks, kacks, smalls etc.) down through the centuries to the present day turns out to be sinusoidal in nature. This is shown in the graph above, where the most popular type of male undergarment from medieval times onwards is displayed.

Back in the Middle Ages, men wore convoluted kacks called a braie. This usually came with a codpiece, which was a zipper of sorts for, err, easy access! Fast forward to the 1800s and you had long johns, a full body suit, again with flaps (front and back this time!) for convenience. In the 20th century, underwear shrank at a rate of knots with boxers first becoming popular in the 1930s. Briefs started at much the same time but became popular later on, thankfully marking the minimum amount of fabric used in popular male kacks (Peter Stringfellow et al take note: g-strings should not be worn by men!).

Funnily enough, boxers and their derivatives have become very popular again in the past number of years, causing the final upturn in the graph above. This is probably due to their reputation for being roomier and being easier to access, although at the expense of support for the two veg! It may be a periodic sinusoid so perhaps we'll have to dust off those codpieces soon!

Who said this blog wasn't educational?!

Mind mapping - male

2007-11-05T15:09:00.002Z

I know us guys aren't perfect, but at least we're far more straightforward in this respect than our female counterparts. We generally keep things simple by saying what we mean! This is illustrated in the diagram above.

Thus, refreshingly, "yes" means "yes" when asked a question by a woman that involves some sort of sexual activity. And the answer will usually be "yes", as we are only big bags of testosterone after all. Occasionally, if you're strong willed and want to tease or in the lucky situation of being in a short inter-orgasmic period, you might play for time with a "maybe" answer. If the answer is "no", call the doctor because something serious must be wrong with him!

Mind Mapping - Female

2007-11-05T14:33:00.001Z

Yes, chaps, it's the dreaded "does that no really mean no?" quandary. You've asked your beloved a delicate question, but unfortunately you're none the wiser after her answer. As the chart above shows, her answer could mean just about anything! It is still good manners to ask though, regardless of the confusion that will ensue.

If she said "no" to, say, your polite request of nookie, does this mean "not even when hell freezes over" or "not now, but ask me again in 5 minutes and we'll see"? If she replied "maybe", does this mean she's buying time to safeguard her virtue and with a little more spadework you'll be in there? Or, is it to let you down easier in the not too distance future? Even "yes" answers aren't safe, especially if you've been silly enough to ask a negative question. Sometimes, there's a statute of limitations on "yes" answers you make the mistake of thinking that one little "yes" is a carte blanche thereafter. So guys, best not to assume anything! I think the great man himself, Meatloaf, warbled it best in his song Where the rubber meets the road - "Yes means no means yes means no".

This uncertainty is one of the main reasons men use persistence when chasing women. Every man has had a woman flip on him at some stage, with a "no" magically transforming in to a "yes" and many pleasurable shenanigans ensuing. This is why when a guy comes up against a real "no", the women is often perplexed by his continued dedication to the case. Well, you only have yourselves to blame, I'm afraid!

The probability of finding available women

2007-10-04T19:09:00.004+01:00

The ladies have had their Reilly equation*. Now it's the guys' turn! The above graphic shows the Reilly equation for calculating the number of women that are available to you, the single (or cheating!) man. It takes important factors such as the population density of where you live, your personal characteristics and your stamina for playing the field into consideration.

Typical approximate values for the terms in the equation are:

R*=3,350,000,000 - half the world's population.
fa=0.0000149 - assuming you live in a city of 100,000 people, half of whom are female.
fo=0.20 - discount the too young, the too old, the happily married etc.
M= 0.6 - normalised to between 0.1 (no pot to piss in) and 1.0 (millionaire and above). 0.6 equates to doing all right for yourself.
C= 0.5 - normalised to between 0.1 (shrinking violet) and 0.9 (you da man). 0.5 equates to a happy medium between shy and cocky.
A=0.5 - normalised to between 0.1 (Quasimodo) and 0.9 (Adonis). 0.5 equates to not frightening anyone with your visage.
P=0.5 - normalised to between 0.1 (accountant) and 0.8 (life and soul of the party). 0.5 equates to a person who doesn't train spot as a hobby.
L=0.4 - normalised to between 0.0 (agoraphobic) and 0.8 (party animal). 0.4 equates to a person who socialises normally.

Solving for N, the number of available women to this average Joe, gives about 300. An even worse return than for the ladies from a large enough city. However, you too can improve your odds. Try moving to Tokyo or Mexico City, reading a joke book, having plastic surgery, selling your TV and/or robbing a bank!

**As before, based on the Drake equation used to estimate the number of detectable extraterrestrial civilizations in our Milky Way galaxy!

The probability of finding available men

2007-10-03T19:27:00.006+01:00

The above graphic shows the Reilly equation** for calculating the number of men that are available to you, the single (or cheating!) woman. It takes important factors such as the population density of where you live, your personal characteristics and your stamina for playing the field into consideration.

Typical approximate values for the terms in the equation are:

R*=3,350,000,000 - half the world's population.
fa=0.0000149 - assuming you live in a city of 100,000 people, half of whom are male.
fo=0.40 - discount the too young, the too old, the odd faithful man etc.
fb= 1 - normalised to between 0.0 (all dead) and 1.0 (all alive).
S= 0.6 - normalised to between 0.1 (fried eggs) and 0.9 (Lolo Ferrari). 0.6 equates to what our American brethren call a nice rack.
B=0.5 - normalised to between 0.2 (Ginger Rogers) and 0.8 (Marilyn Monroe).
H=0.5 - normalised to between 0.1 (babe, the pig) and 0.8 (hot babe). 0.5 equates to an attractive gal.
D=0.6 - normalised to between 0.2 (nun) and 0.9 (slut). 0.6 equates to a person tasteful, but alluring.
L=0.4 - normalised to between 0.0 (agoraphobic) and 0.8 (party animal). 0.4 equates to a person who socialises normally.

Solving for N, the number of available men to this average Jane, gives about 720. Not a great return from a largish city. Time to improve your man pool by moving to Tokyo or Mexico City, having plastic surgery, dyeing your hair, selling the TV and/or showing more cleavage!

Note: Negligible factors for men when they are out on the prowl, such as personality, are excluded from the equation.

**Based on the Drake equation used to estimate the number of detectable extraterrestrial civilizations in our Milky Way galaxy!

Ready, steady, wait

2007-09-24T09:42:00.000+01:00

Of all the things that annoy men about women, getting ready for a night out must be up there just behind sudden headaches! And God help you, brother, if it's a swanky do that you are going to! And God help you even more if you're a stickler for punctuality! It doesn't seem to matter what time they start preparations at, because they never are ready on time. This means that you will be invariably be late for whatever you're going to. In addition, she'll probably hijack the rear view mirror for further adjustments en route.

The graph above shows the preparation times for an engagement with a 9pm kick off. The woman will start taking over the bathroom at about 6pm, bathing, preening and applying various lotions and creams. Then her entire wardrobe will have to be searched for the perfect combination of clothes and accessories. You are obliged to say that she looks wonderful in everything and avoid suggesting one particular outfit for fear that it implies another doesn't look good on her (or worse, implies that her arse look big in it)!

While the first few hours of this is going on you are watching TV while dispensing the aforementioned affirmations and under constant nagging to get ready yourself. Eventually, about 8.15, you get your ass in gear and after a quick shower, shave, tussle of the hair and 30 second rummage in the wardrobe, you're ready to go in about 15-30 minutes. This time maybe shortened if you had shaved/showered earlier in the day or lengthened if you have a "you're not wearing THAT, are you?" comment from herself!

What guys think they are good at

2007-08-07T14:23:00.001+01:00

There are certain things that guys think that they do well. The most important of these things are displayed in the chart above. There is some correlation with the things men like to control, but this is to be expected. After all, why would you want to take the reins at some endeavour if you thought you were no good at it?

A lot of blokes think they can fix anything around the house, be it electrical, mechanical, electronic or structural. Usually they end up making things much worse and when an expert is finally called in, he has to be paid to undo their 'fixes' also! Give a guy a large fork and a barbecue and suddenly he thinks he's Gordon Ramsey, even if he usually turns out to be an ambassador for botulism!

I have never met a guy who thinks he can't play poker well. Even if he is complete pants and is easier to read than the alphabet, it's always Lady Luck's fault when he fails at the table! Consequently, we all think we could make a living as a professional poker player. Mind you, travelling the world playing cards, winning huge wads of cash, sleeping in late and impressing the ladies with our sharp play - what's not to like? Hell, I might give it a shot myself!

As alluded to in a previous post, men always think they can find their way anywhere. All they need is their trusty map and they can find anywhere. Even if the map is years out of date and/or partially missing. Like when fixing stuff, instead of seeking help early, they use their "special abilities" and usually end up getting even more hopelessly lost! Behind the wheel of a car, every guy is Michael Schumacher, without the chin and the cash! When we look at a Formula 1 race, we think that we could do that, if we were as poxy as those guys who got the chance! Every man thinks he drives smoothly, gracefully and safely, no matter how maniacal he may be in the cockpit!

However, of all the things that men think they do well, pleasing the ladies must be number one! Between the sheets, we're all Casanovas who can induce ecstasy in our partner at will. We know what buttons to press and when. We are a potent combination of porn star and Dr. Kinsey! The reality is somewhat different, as you ladies will attest. Mind you, you're only helping to perpetuate this particular myth every time you do a "Sally"!!!!

Is your girlfriend a lesbian?

2007-08-02T12:46:00.001+01:00

Have you ever noticed your girlfriend checking out another chick? Cool, eh? Well, maybe not if she exhibits too many of the characteristics listed in the diagram above. As in the previous companion post, it's time to start getting worried/excited if there are multiple bells ringing for you now! You may dream of that kinky threesome, but even if that unlikely scenario came to pass, you can expect to be frozen out of the equation. If the two women had any tendencies in that direction, who do you think they would focus on - you or the other woman?

The dynamic between straight men and gay women is very different from that between straight women and gay men. Men do not hang out with butch lesbians for a start. They would be afraid that they'd be challenged to an arm wrestle....and lose. Besides, there's ultimately nothing in it for the man as she is not "butter side up"*! In addition, a lot of butch lesbians hate men, which to be honest, doesn't bother us guys a whole lot!

Another difference is that while a lot of women think that what gay guys get up to is, err, not pleasant, the concept of lesbianism is very exciting for most guys! Hence male porn is full of hot chicks getting it on together (I hear!), while female porn (if there is such a thing) probably has guys in aprons doing the housework while listening intently to your problems!

* a euphemism for straight, from the cult comedy Red Dwarf!

Is your boyfriend gay?

2007-07-30T12:29:00.004+01:00

There are few things more devastating for a woman than finding out that her man is gay. Not only has she deal with the fact that she might be responsible for turning him off the fairer sex, but worse, he was probably the perfect man. He was loving, he was romantic. He was an emotional and sensitive soul who loved to talk about his feelings. He adored shopping and had an innate sense of style. He was perfectly groomed, liked all the TV shows you did and probably peed sitting down. Finding out that he batted for the other team probably destroyed her confidence in herself and probably in men also. Obviously, ladies, this must be avoided at all costs.

It is therefore very important to spot the warning signs early on and thus avoid the terrible anguish resulting from a late realisation. In some cultures (West of Ireland and probably Australian), simply owning an umbrella used to be reason enough for suspicions of a man's sexuality. However, the rise of the metrosexual and increased female influence has blurred the boundaries somewhat in today's world.

The Venn diagram above offers some possible pointers for the concerned girlfriend. Now, if any of the items listed above strikes a chord with you, there should be some cause for concern. There is no need to panic though unless there is a combination of items from 2 different areas (regions 1, 2, and 3 in the diagram). If your man exhibits characteristics from all 3 areas (region 4 above), you need to get your GAYDAR recalibrated!

It all started when I was a child....

2007-07-24T09:50:00.001+01:00

If you grew up in the perfect family with the perfect parents who loved you unconditionally and encouraged you in everything that you did, chances are that you will be confident in your adult life. However, if you didn't grow up on Walton's mountain, you probably won't be quite as sure of yourself as you would like.

From a dating point of view, if, for example, you were a geek growing up, suffered from acne or were chubby, chances are that you will never have high self-confidence when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. As the graph above shows, the more severe your problems were, the less confident you will be as an adult.

Even if you lose the glasses and/or the weight and now have the complexion of a supermodel, the scars from your formative years will probably continue to haunt you throughout your life. Maybe counselling is the answer - if Tony Soprano can do it, then so can you! Alternatively, you could stew in your own morass - that's worked well so far, hasn't it?!

Men and women as friends

2007-07-21T11:35:00.001+01:00

Yes, this post is about the old chestnut - can women and men really be friends? Well, yes they can, but only if they don't fancy each other! Otherwise, as Harry says in the official movie for this blog*, "the sex part always gets in the way"! This is illustrated in the graph above, which shows that the chances of being friends is inversely proportional to how much attraction is felt between the pair.

Now, in that film scene, Harry goes on to claim that a guy can't be friends with any woman, but I don't agree with that. In fact, as the "Platonic Kid" (one of the many nicknames bestowed upon me by my best mate!), I am living proof that you can indeed be friends with members of the fairer sex. However, problems can arise during the course of the friendship if one party starts looking at their counterpart in a different light. This can result in a great relationship if both parties are similarly disposed to the idea, but can end in embarrassing disaster if the feelings are not reciprocated.

All in all, despite that possible elephant trap, having friends of the opposite gender is great (unless, of course, you are a nice guy and it has been forced upon you!). How else can you possibly figure out what the current object of your affection is thinking or why they are doing what they are doing? Asking your buddy can often give you valuable insight into the mysterious mind of the opposite sex!

*"When Harry Met Sally"

Telephone usage

2007-07-19T10:02:00.001+01:00

Another difference between the sexes is in telephone usage. As shown in the chart above, telephone calls among men friends tend to be a lot shorter than those between women. A guy will ring up his mate and have a conversation like:

Guy A: Hey Scooter, how's it going?
Guy B: Not bad, Fat Lad. What's up?
Guy A: A few of the lads are heading out to the local later. You interested?
Guy B: Sure. What time?
Guy A: About 9pm. See you then, Dipstick.
Guy B: OK, Knucklehead. Bye.

That's pretty representative of a telephone conversation between males - short and to the point. Phones are a tool for passing short messages, nothing more. Women, on the other hand see the phone as a Godsend. If they don't have anyone to communicate with physically, they can call up a friend and discuss at length the minutiae of everything! This can happen even if they have just been with that individual. I don't have the time or energy to describe a typical telephone conversation between women! Suffice it to say that the length of the transcript would approach that of "War and Peace"!

Approaching good looking women

2007-07-17T09:18:00.000+01:00

The graph above shows that the better looking a woman is, the harder it is to score with her. Occasionally, you hear stories about beautiful women frightening so many men off that they are actually easier to score with, but I'd like the Mythbusters team to investigate that one! Most men will know from bitter experience what happens when they approach someone out of their league!

The problem is that the number of times a woman is hit on in a pub/club (or indeed on the Internet when a picture is supplied) is directly proportional to her looks, that is to say:

F(H) ∝ B

where

H = the frequency with which a woman gets hit on
B = how beautiful she is

So, while a plain Jane or a fat lass might be so delighted with some rare male attention that she laps up your patter (no matter how pathetic!), a good looking woman has heard it ALL before. So, unless you look like Brad Pitt's younger brother, you're going to have to change tack for success with a hottie.

Not that I can give advice on this matter, but I would imagine that an unorthodox approach would be more likely to bear fruit. Possible plans of attack include using humour to pretend that you are hot (when you are obviously not) or pretend that she is not hot (when she obviously is). Then again, going up and saying hello might work just as well (see above!). It's hard to know with that lot!

Bathroom contents

2007-07-15T12:10:00.000+01:00

The chart above shows how many items the average person in each category has in his or her bathroom. Your average bloke has the bare essentials and that's about it. This will include soap, toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, shaving foam, deodorant, comb, aftershave, shampoo and possibly dental floss, hair gel and the like.

The metrosexual will add items like tweezers, moisturisers and grooming products to the bathroom mix. Gay men tend to look after themselves even better than metrosexuals, so I postulate that there is a plethora of additional products in their bathrooms!

All men, however, pale in comparison to women when it comes to stocking up the bathroom. They have a veritable alchemist's wonderland of potions, powders, creams and sprays for practically every part of the anatomy in there! In addition, there are various brushes, cloths, pumice stones, loofahs, cotton pads/buds, emery boards and other mechanical (and electrical if you're in the US) devices to shape/manage various body parts. It's a wonder they fit everything in there!

Male prowess over time

2007-07-13T09:34:00.001+01:00

Hair isn't the only thing that disappears from a man as he gets older. Even worse, as the graph above shows, his libido starts to go AWOL as he ages. It's not all bad news however; as noted in the post on male sexual lifespan, this heinous inevitability can be alleviated somewhat by Viagra and the like. This chemical boost is not displayed in the graph for the sake of clarity.

The graph does show that while physically a man flags as he ages, his experience as a Romeo increases. It probably tapers off more after about 60, but you get the idea. So girls, no need to fret if you are shackled to an aging beast! Men are at their physical peak when they have the least know how, patience and control. Who designed us like that and why?! Older guys, while not having as much pep in their step, more than make up for it in other departments. They are usually more patient (mostly to disguise the flagging libido!) and much more likely to know where everything is and what they are at.

Looking at the graph, ladies, the optimum time for a man would appear to be when he is in his forties. This is roughly where the two lines intersect above (where the combined characteristics are maximised). At this point in life, you have him before his powers start to seriously wane and while he should have a wealth of experience to draw upon. It is only a coincidence that I am approaching that age bracket!

Hair today, gone tomorrow

2007-07-11T10:39:00.003+01:00

If there's one thing that men find hard to cope with, it's turning into a slaphead. As the graph above shows, his anxiety increases as coverage on top decreases. Let's face it, unless you've a noggin like Jean-Luc Picard*, baldness is not going to suit you. Worse again, it can be perceived as a lack of virility or youthfulness. Since every guy's coverage decreases to some extent as he gets older, this anxiety affects every guy sooner or later. If it's not the classic male pattern baldness (monk's ring and rapid receding of forehead, destined to eventually meet!), it's the gradual heightening of the forehead and slow thinning of the mane.

While you can have some sympathy for guys losing their thatch early in life, if you make it to 50 before things get bad, you've had a pretty good innings! However bad it is for guys though, hair loss for the small minority of women that suffer from it must be insufferable. At least guys have many "cue ball comrades" and it is socially acceptable for them to be follicularly challenged.

Unfortunately, the snake oil on the Internet, the expensive drug regimens and the arse hair transplants don't really work that well, so you may as well just save your cash and accept it, I'm afraid. If you're a man, for God's sake don't:

have a wispy, isolated island on your forehead. Shave it off.
use a comb over. That fools no one and just makes you look silly/sad.
wear a rug. Even if you spend a lot of money, they do not look good (Elton John anyone?!). You may as well plonk a bush on your head.
wear a hat constantly regardless of temperature, location or occasion (e.g. The Edge!).

Instead, you should wear your shiny dome with pride. You can console yourself that your lack of cranial insulation really is due to an excess of testosterone!

*Captain of the Starship Enterprise in Star Trek: The Next Generation, played by Patrick Stewart.

Bottomless pits - women's handbags

2007-07-09T09:22:00.001+01:00

A major advantage for women is the amount of stuff that they can cart around with them. We don't mind so much as we have the advantage of not having to give birth! As the chart above shows, men carry about 6 items with them but women must have at least 100! While men are limited to what they can stuff into their pockets, women seem to have everything bar the kitchen sink packed into their handbags! The average man would have the following on him:

Keys
Wallet
Phone
Comb
Snot rag
Miscellaneous item - e.g. chewing gum, glasses etc.

All these items would usually be stuffed down the trouser pockets. If Mae West was alive today, she would probably say "Is that a mobile phone in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"! At night or during colder weather, a man can wear a jacket which at least doubles his load capacity. Women, on the other hand, carry the following in their handbags:

Keys
Purse
Phone(s)
Hair brush(es)
Make up kit - lipstick, moisturiser, foundation, mascara, eye shadow etc
Mirror
Tissues
Emergency preening kit - lip gloss, nail clippers, emery board, hair dye sachet, body/hand lotion etc.
Spare tights (pantyhose)
Emergency medical kit - flu remedy, headache tablets, diuretics, laxatives, lip balm, cold sore medication etc.
Spare "woman stuff"
Breath freshener - chewing gum, mints, mouthwash or breath spray
Cigarettes, if applicable
Snack
Bottled water (or something stronger, if applicable!)
Correspondence - letters, bills etc.
Stationary
Numerous pens/pencils
Address book
Cheque book
Reading glasses/sunglasses
Perfume
Various certificates - driving licence, medical cards, identity cards etc.
MP3 player

This is obviously not an exhaustive list, but it is indicative of the contents of the average woman's handbag! With a load like that to lug around, you'd think going to the gym wouldn't be necessary!

Control freak - female

2007-07-07T10:35:00.000+01:00

So, we've seen what the men like to control, but what about the ladies? Well, the chart above shows the main items that they like dominion over. I've discussed each of these in previous posts, but this one brings them all together nicely.

Women own the vast majority of the shoes in any household, so shoe care products will obviously be their jurisdiction! They also like to control the inclination of the toilet seat for some reason, with the down position being very, very important to them. What woman doesn't like giving the family credit card a good bashing? Since she does most of the shopping, the little plastic wonder card will usually be under her control.

Being a talkative bunch by nature, women enjoy controlling the interrogations, sorry, conversations with their partners. Questions will be posed, information will be elicited and meaningful dialogue expected. Given the fact that they preen so much, females also tend to hog the mirrors/bathrooms in any house. God help you if you have a lot of girls - you better have a strong bladder!

The number one thing that a woman likes to exert influence over is her poor, long suffering partner! Most women will boss their man around, given half a chance. Funnily enough, I have found that the bossier they are, the more they hate being called "Boss"! Once she has shaped you physically, the mental molding will begin in earnest. Be strong, my friend. This must be nipped in the bud at all costs to preserve your self-respect and her respect for you.

Control freak - male

2007-07-05T00:08:00.000+01:00

In order to express his manliness in the modern world, there are certain things that the male of the species feels he must take charge of. As shown in the chart above, these tasks include base male tasks such as the provision of food (barbecue), shelter (DIY) and transport (car). While men like to take over all the items in the chart above, they are ranked roughly in frequency of use*.

What man would let his woman control the barbie when his friends are over? About the same number who don't reckon they could put up those shelves or put on that extension as well as any builder! Any digital cameras, PCs, audio systems, mobile phones, DVD players etc. around the house? You can be almost guaranteed that it's the guy who tinkers with them with the most. After all, unlike women, men never stop playing with toys; they just get more expensive as he grows older!

Almost every modern man in a long term relationship uses his garage (US) or garden shed as a last bastion of masculinity in an increasingly feminine world. In this refuge from the pressures of everyday life, the man can happily potter about, drink beer (or smoke) on the QT, work on his current DIY project or dream of days gone by!

No man wants to feel emasculated by having his woman drive him around. Hell, he probably doesn't like her driving the car even when he's not in it. After all, it's probably the most expensive gadget they own! Of paramount importance to a man however, is "TV remote control control"! Unless he wants to be consigned to a life of soap operas and interior design shows, he must assert himself by establishing control of the remote early on in the relationship! Should he lose this pivotal battle, it's probably only a matter of time before he's peeing sitting down!

*Except for the barbie mad Australians, of course!

Love is blind

2007-07-03T15:20:00.000+01:00

We've all seen (or even done it!) at some stage. Your friend (or worse, a family member) has met a complete user, but has fallen so head over heels in love that s/he can't see the obvious. As the graph above shows, the more rose tinted the love goggles, the more common sense goes out the window! In extreme cases, Jack the Ripper would be seen by the lovestruck as a "cut above the rest" and Hannibal Lecter a man with a healthy appetite!

This scenario has been the staple of soap operas for years but unfortunately it also happens in real life. As a concerned friend, this leaves you in quite a pickle. You don't want to seem unsupportive or risk the almost inevitable "why can't you be happy for me for once?"/"you're just jealous that I've met someone"/"no one I meet is ever good enough" retorts. However, a true friend knows what to do. When the blinkers eventually come off (and they will), your intentions will be belatedly appreciated.

Ex-tremely annoying!

2007-07-01T10:09:00.000+01:00

If there's one thing you shouldn't do in a relationship, it's harp on about your ex-partner. This is particularly true if you tend to bang on about how brilliant s/he was. However, even mentioning him/her in a negative light shows your current squeeze that you are still thinking about your ex-beloved. As the graph above shows, the more the ex-lover is mentioned, the less likely your relationship will work out. After all, you'd hardly want to go out with someone who was in love with someone else, now would you?

No man wants to hear any of the following about his predecessor:

How rich he was
What a nice car he had
What a great career he had
How well built/strong he was
How he could have been a porn star (huge no-no!)
How full his head of hair was
How tall he was
How romantic he was
How good he was in bed
How thoughtful he was
What great holidays he brought you on
What great presents he bought you
How he treated you like a princess
How you used to talk together for hours on end
How he always let you have the TV remote control

And no woman would be pleased to hear any of the following about her predecessor:

How nubile she was
What big boobs she had
How pert her ass looked in anything she wore (huge no-no!)
How she always let you do that to her in bed
How rich her daddy was
How good she looked first thing in the morning
That she didn't need to wear makeup
How young (looking) she was
How beautiful she was
What a great figure she had
How well dressed she always was
How great she looked in a bikini
How much your mother adored her
How much she used to eat without ever gaining weight
How she waited on you hand and foot

So, to maximise the chances of success in your current relationship, it's best to keep it zipped about your previous amour. There is one exception to this rule - you want to engineer a sympathy inducing dumping. In this case, feel free to sprinkle your conversations with copious glowing references to your ex-. If that doesn't induce relationship ending arguments, it's hard to see what will!

Go ugly early

2007-06-29T16:19:00.000+01:00

The "go ugly early" strategy is another approach used by unscrupulous men in a nightclub. Some men realise that they are not going to score with a hot chick, so they might as well go for more aesthetically challenged woman in the first place. This has a number of advantages:

It is not as obvious as the "10 to 2" method of starting at the top and working your way down. This can torpedo your chances with many women who feel that you are only talking to them because you couldn't do any better (which is true!). By hitting on them early however, they are more likely to think that you actually like them, so your chances of success will be higher.
It allows you to select what could be described as the best of a bad lot. If you wait for 1.50am, you'll have to make do with what's left over at that stage. By making approaches earlier, you have your pick of the chicks at this level.
You have time to lower her inhibitions by getting her drunk. This will increase your chances of scoring with her later on.
When you hit on such a woman early, you're not as drunk as you would be at 1.50am. This will increase your chances of scoring with her at the end of the night, even though at that point, you will probably have had to get as drunk as possible!
When the end of the night does come, she will look as good to you through your beer goggles as some of the good looking chicks who would have turned you down earlier.

This unsavoury approach is also used by guys who haven't had any action for a while and are desperate for a shag. Again, I hang my head in shame at my fellow man! I am merely a humble chronicler, not a practitioner or advocate of such activities!

In vino veritas

2007-06-27T10:08:00.000+01:00

On the other end of the truth spectrum, you have a saying that's so old, it's in Latin. In vino veritas* (or the similar "A drunk man speaks his mind") doesn't really apply to the club scene where the guy is focused on trying to score and the woman is focused on not giving personal information away. This lends itself more to lying than telling the truth! However, drinking is much more dangerous when you're out with friends, especially if you've been harbouring a crush for one of them for some time!

As the graph above shows, as you get tanked up, the likelihood of you saying something foolish/embarrassing increases. As with Dutch courage, your inhibitions are lowered with alcohol and suddenly blurting out your true feelings to someone suddenly doesn't seem like such a bad idea! Although the chances are that you'll make a complete idiot of yourself, you never know, those feelings might be reciprocated. At the very worst, you've got them off your chest. This is a good thing, even if you have to avoid that person for months afterwards!

Thank God I don't drink! Having said that, I have still managed to make a complete fool of myself in my time!! Ah well, nothing ventured, nothing gained, eh?!

* literally "there is truth in wine"

Lies, damn lies and nightclubs

2007-06-25T09:50:00.000+01:00

As the graph above shows, people tend to get economical with the truth once they have had their toes dipped in the shark infested waters of dating for a while. They might have started out all bright eyed and bushy tailed, but once the harsh reality of dating sets in, veracity starts to go out the window. This is particularly true in the den of iniquity that is the nightclub! Women soon get sick of wasting their energy on drunk guys chancing their arm or players trying to add to their collection of notches. Ordinary decent guys get tired of getting nowhere with chicks unless they have a certain social standing or drive a certain car.

So what do they do? Well, guys suddenly become BMW driving doctors or pilots (or occasionally firemen, cops, lifeguards, matadors etc. depending on the circumstances!) and women concoct lies to amuse and protect themselves from the spoofers. Before you know it, you're in a vicious circle and everyone is drowning in a sea of bullshit!

I have a personal policy of treating everything I hear in a pub or nightclub as crap until proven otherwise! I was out once with my wing commander when we met 2 ladies purporting to be sisters. One claimed to be called Marie and the other Ann-Marie! Having smelt a rat, I said that either their mother had no imagination or they were full of it! Which do you think was the case?!

The downside of being fussy

2007-06-24T10:54:00.002+01:00

The chart above shows that the fussier you are, the longer you have to wait for a suitable partner to come along. The numbers under the bars represent your level of fussiness, e.g. 100 means you like 1 in every 100 people that you meet while 1 is the other extreme - you like everybody you meet! This model makes the following assumptions:

People tend to like people roughly as fussy as themselves. For example, a woman who has been more secure than Fort Knox is not likely to give up her honour to someone who'd obviously get up on a cracked plate!
You go out approximately twice a week (100 times per year).
You meet 3 people on an average night out.

Even with this generous allowance for meeting people, someone who is extremely fussy (likes only 1 out of 100 people that s/he meets) can expect to go just over 33 years* between meeting suitable partners! That's over 3300 nights out using the model above, which is a lot, even for Paris Hilton! At the other extreme, someone who likes everybody can obviously expect to meet someone they like every night they go out. These extremes are so large that I've had to use a log scale above to fit them on the same graph. This is also why, for example, 33 years doesn't look much worse than 8 years at a glance.

So, it is not hard to see the main problem with being fussy and why practitioners are more likely to end up as lonely, cantankerous old fogeys! Wouldn't you end up that way if you waited so long for that someone (really) special that never came?!!

*From the assumptions, (100x100)/100/3. If you like 1 in a 100 people and so does your prospective partner, you can expect (on average) to meet 10,000 people before you click with someone. The model assumes that you meet 300 people per year.

Why men use Internet dating

2007-06-21T11:21:00.001+01:00

Men have somewhat different reasons than women (as usual) for using the Internet to get dates. A man's social circle also decreases, but at least he can always go out on a solo mission, something no sane woman would ever do! One of the biggest reasons for a man to use the Internet is that it's another great way to meet women. After all, there's no sense in putting all your eggs in one basket, is there?! As noted in the previous post, the net can be a very time and cost effective dating paradigm. A man can hit on multiple women simultaneously from the comfort of his armchair. He can have a constant pipeline of women he has just hit on, women he is talking to, women he is manoeuvring into meeting and women he has actually met! This kind of conveyor belt is much harder to maintain in "real life", especially in a small town!

As mentioned in the original post on Internet dating, the net offers big advantages for the weak of heart and the twisted of spirit! In the pub/club environment, it is the man that usually makes the moves. However, should he lack confidence and fear rejection more than life itself, these moves will never be made. The Internet is a Godsend for such men. The disassociation available behind the keyboard frees the man to unleash his inner stud! Of course, his old problems will re-surface when he actually meets someone, but hey, at least he's now meeting a few women. This will boost his confidence and improve his performance as he perseveres. Unfortunately, the anonymity available on the Internet can also free a man's inner perv, allowing him to be as vulgar and crass as he desires. Finally, there's the odd saddo (pun intended!) knocking about who can use the Internet to disguise that fact until he has got a foot in the door!

Why women use Internet dating

2007-06-21T09:51:00.001+01:00

In the early days, using the Internet to find love had a stigma attached to it. You were obviously a saddo if you had to resort to such desperate tactics. Indeed, I was in the Internet closet* myself for the first few years, but now I'm out and I'm proud! Of course, it has its share of saddos, but who hasn't seen them hanging around alone in the dark corners of a nightclub?! As in the nightclub, thankfully they are also in the minority online. Men, however, can still be wary of women using the Internet. After all, if she was anyway good looking at all, she'd be getting more than enough attention in real life, wouldn't she? The unplumbed depths of the male mind, eh?!

It's all very well saying a woman doesn't need to use the Internet, but what happens if she hasn't met her Mr. Right by her mid to late twenties? As described in the oldest swinger in town post, her pool of available friends starts shrinking rapidly, making it harder to socialise in the real world. Nowadays, women are forging great careers for themselves which unfortunately also tends to decrease the time and energy available for traditional socialising. These women are online 16 hours a day, so why not use the Internet for "lurve"?!

Another reason women use Internet dating is for a change from the same old same old. They've gotten sick of meeting drunken asswipes when out, so they decide to give this Internet thing a whirl. From a woman's point of view, it couldn't be worse than the pub/club scene and besides, everybody is doing it these days! Using the Internet can also save you time and money. Going out to a pub/club involves spending a wad of cash on drinks, cover charges, taxis etc. on the off chance that you might bump into a suitable person who happened to come to the same place. On the Internet, for free or a modest monthly fee, you can find, befriend and even physically meet like-minded people, no matter how odd your proclivities are!

Are you finding it difficult to meet men in the pub/club because of a fat arse, bad skin or big belly? If so, why not use Photoshop to give you that body you always knew you should have? After all, if it's alright for J-Lo et al to get airbrushed......! You never know, when you do finally meet that Internet hunk in real life, he mightn't even notice!!!

*Before you say it, this is the only closet I've ever been in!

Making moves online

2007-06-21T09:45:00.000+01:00

After the last few posts, you have probably copped that the secret to success in any facet of online dating is to be funny and/or original. So, it should come as no surprise then that the same applies when a man throws shapes on a woman online. As in most of these Internet posts, the following advice is mostly for the men folk. Women can say anything at all to instigate a conversation and be practically guaranteed at least one reply! After all, what man is going to look a gift horse in the mouth?!

The graph above shows the chances of success when private messaging a woman in an online chat room. The perv approach will usually just get you ignored (but like any direct approach, if you try it enough times…!). A more medium level opening gambit is something like "Hi there" or the ubiquitous (i.e. totally unoriginal) "A/S/L". This stands for "Age/Sex/Location" and I usually reply 3x/yes please/here (depending on year!) if so prompted! This sort of unimaginative approach often gets a reply, simply because it beats the pervy approach taken by so many other guys! However, women generally get hit on left, right and centre in a chat room so your effort isn't exactly going to stand out now, is it?

A much better approach is to make a witty comment based on her name or something in her profile. This is more likely to get her smiling and thus more likely to respond. Some possible examples are:

MaidMarion: Do I get brownie points for looking good in tights?!
May_Contain_Nuts: I hope that doesn't mean you were once a man?!
Goldielocks:You're not going to try and sneak into my bed, are you? Follow up with "damn!" when she assures you that she isn't.
HalfPint1972: Have you considered going metric? How does"284ml1972" grab ya?!
Serendipity: Loved the film (Serendipity)! I'm going into [insert local book shop name] to write my phone no. on the jacket of a book. If you find it, I'm definitely the man for you!!!!!
Peacock_Hen: Hey, I've always wanted to meet a nice bird!

Alternatively, you can hook them with an unusual question to start a conversation:

Hornybird: Try "Is it on your nose or the top of your head?!" Follow up with "the horn", when she goes "eh?".
Ice_Cream01: You must really hate the summer! Follow up with "because you're in real danger of melting!" when she asks why!
Startmeup: What type of ignition system do you use?

Similar logic can be applied to responding to dating site profiles. As noted in the original post on Internet dating, this is somewhat easier than chat room approaches as it is usually not in real time! It is very important to read the person's profile carefully, looking for a hook to use in an introductory message. Some women assume that you have contacted them as part of a wide trawl. Let's face it, they are probably right! Therefore, it is important to tailor every message to the target individual as cut and paste mails will largely go ignored! Sometimes, it maybe their name, sometimes a similar hobby or favourite band/singer, but make sure you have something before you mail them.

You can't really lose using an approach like this. If they have a good sense of humour (as they always claim!), they will reply and you're off and running. If they don't answer, you don't waste any time on a dry shite!!!

Getting people to contact you online

2007-06-19T09:44:00.001+01:00

It's one thing getting lots of hits on your online chat room/dating site profile. It's quite another to get people interested enough to want to instigate contact. Like picking a good online name, this post mostly pertains to men. All women really have to do is put up a profile and, if it's a dating site, make sure it doesn't sink too far down the search results. This is because, just like "real life", men usually hit on anything that types on the Internet! Women, on the other hand, are much more discerning, yet they are far more likely to make a move online than in a pub/club. You can facilitate this by writing a good profile. Just like wearing an unusual item of clothing in a pub/club, a profile with an easy "hook" will give an easy opening for a woman to initiate contact. And the more women that contact you.....!!

Now that you're all ears, first of all this is what you should not do. There are usually far more men online than women, so competition is fierce and you must try to stand out from the herd. Do not leave your profile blank under any circumstances. This tells the reader you could not be arsed, so why should they? Do not put in that you live with your mother or that you enjoy train spotting. A straight version of your life story detailing your rise to senior accountant is not likely to enchant anyone either! Forget also all that malarkey that you think women want to hear. They see it on 90% of all male profiles that they read - you're friendly, fun loving, strong with a sensitive side yada, yada, yada! They will click the "Next" link quicker than Ben Johnson after a "vitamin" injection!

So, what should you do? First and foremost, you have to pick a good online name. After that, put some thought into coming up with something similarly original and/or humorous for the profile itself. If you can intrigue a woman or make her chuckle, you've done a great job! My most successful profile in attracting female attention involved replacing the words of a well known "girlie" song with amusing alternative lyrics suitable for a man (i.e. me!). This was a big hit with the ladies (cue trumpet!) and I even managed to exchange messages for quite some time using only appropriate song lyrics with one like minded gal!

You should aim for something similar. Nothing boosts your chances of success at online dating more than a unique, funny profile. It will stay online as long as you want it to, trapping potential targets in it's web of cunningness and compelling them to drop you a line!!

Choosing a good online name

2007-06-18T10:29:00.001+01:00

Obviously, you want to attract unsolicited attention when you enter a chat room or sign up to online dating service. Therefore, picking a good moniker for your online romancing is critical. While men will generally click on a large number of female profiles in the hope of establishing angles to instigate conversations, women tend to be far most selective. That's why name choice is more important for a man and this post mostly pertains to them. The first thing anyone will see and judge you by is your handle. Only if they like it, will they bother clicking on your profile. Looking up someone is time consuming, so people often make that decision by name alone.

As the graph above shows, attracting attention is different for the sexes. Men, being the testosterone fuelled, shallow sex machines that they are, are attracted to suggestive names while women are generally repulsed by them. Women who pick names like "Horny_Bird" or "DirtyChick" can expect to be inundated with messages from guys. However, men with names like "UpnWilling" or "BigBoy_2007" can expect to be relatively unloved by the ladies! This type of guy will be too busy hitting on the aforementioned women to notice/care though!

So what is a good type of name for a guy to attract attention? There are several popular choices which have varying levels of success:

The nondescript/obscure name: e.g. "JCD" or "John_2007". This type of name doesn't tell anything useful and women will be inclined to gloss over you.
The informative name: e.g. "The_Big_Lebowski" or "John_London21". Gives an insight into your personality by the type of music/film/books etc. that you like or gives your basic information. Can lead to women with the same interest/location messaging you. Of course, you could be excluding all others!
The intriguing name: e.g. "Mystery_man" or "TooGoodToBeTrue". Women do like an element of mystique! They are also curious by nature, so a bold claim will require further investigation!
The clever/humorous name: e.g. "Mr_Darcy" (only chicks read Jane Austin!) or "DoesMyAssLookBig". Who doesn't like a sense of humour or appreciate a good pun/reference?! This type of name can garner a lot of attention from the ladies.

So, think carefully when you choose an online name. Depending on the online service, you may be stuck with that moniker for a long time and it may be too time consuming or expensive to change it. So, why not pick a good name at the outset and maximise your chances of success?!

Maintaining Interest in your Internet profile

2007-06-17T10:14:00.001+01:00

So, what is the cause of your apparent growing unpopularity on a dating site? It's quite simple really. Most dating sites rank profiles by certain easily measurable parameters. Usually, it's the last time you logged into the site or the last time you updated your profile that determines where you will appear in search results. In addition, some sites offer different grades of membership with the more expensive grades getting displayed more prominently. If a large number of higher grade members seem to have signed up, you should consider following suit and upgrading your account.

In order to maintain interest in your profile and give Prince Charming (if you're a woman!) a better chance of finding you, you must find out which metric is used by your dating site and exploit it. Maybe you have a policy of getting email addresses early on thereby largely bypassing logging in to the site. Bad move. As is leaving your profile static for too long. Even if all you do is add a space, this can shoot you near the top of the pile again on some sites. It's probably best to freshen up your profile regularly anyway. As the graph above shows, the more often you log in/update your profile, the more hits you will get. I never said it was rocket science!!

If the above doesn't work, the best thing you can do is add a photo. That's a photo of your FACE, guys! A large number of people only search for profiles with pictures, so do the maths (or math, if you are American!). It also cuts down on the number of timewasters that you encounter! After all, if they have seen your face and still haven't run for the hills, you should be in with a better shout! I know, I know; someone you know might see you and think you're sad and desperate. Fine, die alone then!!!!! Besides, it's the 21st century now and Internet dating is mainstream, baby!

Interest in your Internet profile over time

2007-06-17T09:56:00.000+01:00

OK, you have gone to the trouble of signing up to an online dating site and crafted a wonderful profile highlighting your quirky sense of humour and your love of romantic walks on the beach. Now, you sit back and wait for the admirers to roll up. The first week or so, life is marvellous as you're inundated with mail from gushing suitors. Then, just as soon as your confidence has started to build up again (from whatever drove you online in the first place!), the torrent slowly and inexorably turns into a trickle. This classic exponential decay is shown in the graph above.

You can't understand it. Your profile is still as impressive as ever, but no one seems interested anymore. It's not as if you've ploughed through all the potential dates in your locale (is it?!). You begin to wonder if one of your ex-amours has found your profile and has been badmouthing you online or that your BO* is detectable through the ether! However, the real reason usually is that you have allowed your profile to slip off the radar.

*Body Odour

The toilet seat

2007-06-16T15:45:00.001+01:00

Now, if there is one thing I just can't understand about women, it is why so many of them get the hump when the man leaves the toilet seat up! If a man goes into a toilet and the seat is down, he won't fly into an incandescent rage. Instead, he'll just put the seat up without a second thought and go about his business (or, alternatively, he won't bother lifting up before, err, opening fire!).

Most women, though, tend to lose the canopy over the heinous crime of the vertical toilet seat! As the chart above shows, I reckon it bothers about 4 out of every 5 women. In contrast, I've yet to meet a guy who is bothered by the initial status of the lavatory seat!

A friend of mine has discussed with me the feasibility of designing a toilet lid that automatically lowered itself either after a set period of time or after it detected that the person had left (via motion sensors). Yes, it was in the pub and I fear the Japanese have beaten him to it, but that's the sort of considerate bloke that he is!

I, on the other hand, love to leave the seat up in as many bathrooms as I can find when visiting a house with all female occupants. Even if I don't want to pee-pee! I find it most amusing (cue evil laugh!)!!

Flattery will get you everywhere

2007-06-16T12:31:00.002+01:00

A lot of men try to lure women into the sack by the liberal use of compliments. However, one thing I've noticed with women over the years is that, for the most part, they are not great at accepting them. Granted, it doesn't help that I'm usually laughing while delivering them! My perceived insincerity aside, you would imagine that they would still like to get a compliment. Sometimes, though, I think that they would prefer an insult!

Having said that, I still think there is some truth in the well known saying, "flattery will get you everywhere". Just try and keep a "George W. Bush"* off your face while issuing them! As shown on the graph above, you more you ply on with that trowel, the better your chances are. This is especially true if you work in a holiday resort abroad. It's amazing the cheesy lines a foreigner can come out with that a holidaying woman will lap up. If we said the same things to them back here, we'd be laughed out of the place!

*A smirk! Why is he always smirking, anyway?!

Hanging by the telephone

2007-06-15T15:24:00.000+01:00

I've talked at length about the nice guy and his dating dilemmas, but what about his female equivalent? Yes, the "nice girl" has her problems too and the biggest of them seems to be with the humble telephone. Or more accurately, with the guys that are supposed to ring it!

Yes, understanding why that wonderful specimen that you met last weekend hasn't rang like he promised can be difficult. The main reason is, of course, that he never planned to ring you! Getting a phone number is a handy way of exiting a conversation easily and moving on. If he doesn't find anyone else that weekend, he may find your phone number crumpled in a ball in a pocket somewhere and give you a call. Now, if he was pretty out of it, when he finds your number he might not remember who you were! He is unlikely to ring you and admit that! Of course, if he was drunk, there's a great chance that he lost that scrap of paper anyway, which would make it difficult to ring, even if he could remember you!

In the cold light of day, he might not be able to summon up the courage to ring. This is because he will be unsure of the reception he is likely to get from you. It doesn't matter how well things went on the night; when everybody is sober, it's a whole different ballgame! For example, following probably the most romantic moment of my life thus far, I met a severe cold front when I rang just a couple of days later (when I said I would, of course!)! This does not help a man's confidence when ringing other women in the future!!

It is mostly men who get numbers and women who give them, so the agonising task of waiting by the phone is mostly endured by women. In olden times (pre-mobile phone, if you can imagine/remember that!), this was torturous. Staying indoors with the hall door ajar, not daring even to take a dump, nevermind a bath, just in case you missed that precious call! At least now you can bring your phone with you wherever you go.

You still can't will it to ring, no matter how hard you try, though!

Total recall of arguments - women

2007-06-13T08:19:00.001+01:00

One of the most worrying things about going out with a woman is her total recall when it comes to arguments. As the graph above shows, men generally forget arguments very quickly, while women tend to stew over them for bloody ages.

Often a woman will leave her partner for a few days, expecting him to think very carefully about what he did wrong and how he can prevent it from happening again. However, it's usually in one ear and out the other as the man forgets all about that horrendous toilet seat incident (or whatever). Meanwhile, the woman is dissecting the exchange syllable by syllable, examining every nuance and fretting over the future of the relationship. Upon reuniting, the woman is flabbergasted that the man can't even recall the contretemps, never mind contemplate the "serious" ramifications of it!

Even worse is the ability of women to store arguments up much like a storage heater stores up heat for future release. Misdemeanours committed by men (and long forgotten by same!) in the inter-argument period will be stored up and unleashed by the woman during the next disagreement!

Observant geeks will have noted that I've snuck in another nuclear weapons reference in the graph above to describe the point in time when the argument erupted!!

Women, men and shoes

2007-06-10T12:06:00.004+01:00

Another fundamental difference between the sexes is the number of shoes owned by each. While the average man owns relatively few pairs, infinity was invented to represent concepts as vast as the number of shoes owned by a typical woman. OK, that might be a slight exaggeration, but as the chart above shoes, they own a hell of a lot more than us guys do!

The average bloke might have a pair of black shoes, a pair of brown ones, a pair of dressy shoes, sneakers and possibly a pair of sandals. Women, on the other hand, have that many pairs for just going to the toilet! For women, shoes can be broadly classified using the following taxonomy:

Calceatus planus: flat shoe
Calceatus stilettocus: high heeled shoe
Calceatus platformicus: platform shoes
Calceatus wedgicus: wedged heeled shoe
Calceatus stylus: pencil heeled shoe
Calceatus pumpicus: pumps
Calceatus slingbackicus: slingback shoes
Booticus celsius maximus: high boots
Booticus celsius mediocris: medium boots
Booticus celsius minimus: ankle boots
Booticus equinus: riding boots
Booticus veni-meum-sexum: CFM boots
Booticus wellius designerium: designer wellies
Calceatus woodicus: clogs
Sandalium: sandals
Calceatus slippericus: slippers
Calceatus flipflopius: flip-flops
Calceatus sliponicus: slip-ons
Calceatus mulus: mule shoes
Calceatus judicius: court shoes
Calceatus athleticus: sneakers
Calceatus laboris: work shoes
Calceatus occasionius specialis: dress shoes
Calceatus entertainium: going out shoes
Calceatus littoris: beach shoes
Calceatus pocahontas: moccasins
Calceatus loaferius: loafers
Calceatus sluticus: extremely high heeled shoes, worn mainly by porn stars
Calceatus comfortus: comfortable shoes, worn mainly by lesbians

I realise that this list is nowhere near exhaustive, but it should serve as a useful starting point for future developers of the system. I would explain the existing classifications better, if only I knew what some of them were and what the hell the differences were between them! Unfortunately, only women are privy to this information, who have at least 20% of their brains devoted to shoes. Within each classification, characteristics such as colour, fitting, mood, weather and function play an important part. Finally, women usually like to have at least 3 footwear options for every possible scenario.

Suddenly, Imelda Marcos doesn't seem so extravagant after all!

Faint heart never won fair maiden

2007-06-10T09:35:00.003+01:00

In addition to confidence, bravery is a vital tool in any wannabe womaniser's armoury. While it may not compare to singlehandedly facing up to enemy tanks while armed with little more than a cigarette lighter, approaching women is definitely a togs tester! If you haven't got the stones for it yourself, you better align yourself with a wing commander with big enough ones for the both of you!

Going up to a stranger and putting yourself on the line is tougher than many women realise. If they did, then maybe some of them wouldn't act like total bitches when it happened. OK, maybe the guy is loaded when he makes his awkward approach, but if it wasn't so difficult to do, he wouldn't have needed the Dutch courage in the first place.

What a guy is essentially saying when he approaches a woman is "I want to shag you (and the sooner the better!)". The man knows it, the woman knows it and the man knows that the woman knows it! This does not make it any easier to execute. However, execute it you must, unless you fancy a life of celibate contemplation. No? I didn't think so! As Del Boy* used to say, "He who dares, wins"!

*aka Derek Trotter from the classic British sit-com - Only Fools and Horses.

Go for the jugular

2007-06-09T08:42:00.001+01:00

In contrast to the last post, there is another school of thought on the timing of making moves on women. This approach promulgates that to be successful, you have to seize the day. This Carpe Diem approach is usually used by the confident and those successful with women. Outside of America, that generally means the asswipe/player/bounder/cad! Americans, on the other hand, are a confident bunch by nature, so this approach is much more pervasive there.

This approach has a couple of major advantages. If successful, you can cut to the chase pretty quickly, thereby really racking up the notches on the belt/bedpost. If unsuccessful, it means that you quickly identify the abhorred 'time waster' and quickly move on to a more receptive target. On the downside, you may come over as pushy and ruin your chances with some great women.

The ideal approach for nabbing a long term girlfriend is probably somewhere between the two extremes. In most cases, appropriate opportunities will present themselves if you have a little patience. Then, all you have to do is grasp the nettle!

Softly, softly, catchee monkey!

2007-06-09T07:54:00.000+01:00

There is a school of thought out there that to snare the target of your affection, you should use the softly, softly approach. This is primarily used by nice guys as a means of justifying their constant procrastination and is a ramification of their lack of cojones!

While it may be best for a guy not to prematurely inosculate with a woman (after all, "wise men say only fools rush in"!), if you dally too much you run the risk of entering the "friend zone". It is probably easier to escape from beyond the event horizon of a black hole than from this forlorn place! Another possible problem is that while you're beating around the bush (metaphorically), some other hero could usurp you to, err, the real McCoy!!

Marry in haste, repent at leisure

2007-06-07T19:33:00.000+01:00

The graph above shows the foolishness of marrying someone you don't really know. I'm sure he was really charming and charismatic in the five minutes that you knew him before saying 'yes'. Well, you have the rest of your life (or at least until the messy divorce!) to get to know the real him behind the facade. Just pray that he is not violent, a control freak or an emotional bully. Hell, he could even be gay for all you know! It's not just the ladies who can land a pig in a poke either. Maybe you will find that it was indeed your cash/passport she was after. And what seemed to be devotion in your brief courtship might transform into obsessive neediness pretty quickly.

Of course there are successful unions formed on the spur of the moment. However, let's face it, the chances of having a successful long term relationship with someone you know only a few days/weeks or even months are pretty slim. They don't say "marry in haste, repent at leisure" for nothing after all! You should at least wait until your prospective mate has fallen out of "best behaviour" mode!

Why men are afraid of commitment

2007-06-07T09:57:00.000+01:00

Who said men were afraid of com.., commit..., commitm...., commitment?! There, I've said it! Of all the things about men that annoy women, his reluctance to pledge his live, his soul, his heart and his wallet to her for eternity (or longer) rankles the most!

Of course, the obvious reasons are the loss of freedom and space. Gone will be the days of doing what you want, when you want and how you want. Unless you want the cold war to re-ignite, all decisions will now have to be vetted through HQ before embarked upon! Remember that room you had earmarked for pool/snooker/fuzzball/darts? Forget it, my son - it's now a guest bedroom with lovely pink drapes and flowery linen!

Men are constantly on the lookout for chicks. It's part of that genetic drive we have, I'm afraid. The thought of having a 'ball and chain' when there is so much variety out there is obviously a concern. Us guys are not (totally) emotionless either - some may have been burnt before and reluctant to knock down the protective psychological wall.

As already admitted, men tend to be more immature these days. The thought of having to give up the carefree lifestyle of video games, drinking with the lads etc. and grow up is quite daunting for some men. The grown up world of responsibility - mortgages, people carrier loans, screaming children etc. doesn't sound quite as much fun somehow!

Pressure to commit increases with time

2007-06-07T09:55:00.000+01:00

There are crunch times in every relationship when deciding whether or not to take it to the next level. However, women tend to hurry this along a tad quicker than the average bloke would like! This is understandable from a biological point of view, but that doesn't make it any nicer for guys, who are generally happy to fester in the current arrangement! After all, if it ain't broke, don't fix it!

The graph above shows that the longer a man is in a relationship, the more the pressure for him to commit intensifies. In the early days of the romance before the couple have become really comfortable with each other, the man will be on a long leash. Make the most of these happy days, gentlemen, because they will not last! The woman will not risk turned the screw too early in the relationship, in case the man does a runner. However, once she has her claws into you, prepare for the gradual and inexorable drawing in of the leash. It's a slippery slope, my friend and before you know it, you'll be tethered to her and unable even to fart without her permission!

Double standard

2007-06-05T13:17:00.001+01:00

The mother of all double standards as far as women are concerned must be the promiscuity one. If a man sleeps around, he gets kudos from his mates for being a 'Jack the Lad'. After all, he's only doing what they would like to be able to do! At worst, he might be labelled a cad or bounder by the women folk (or a player in America).

However, if a woman does likewise, she is branded a slut, a harlot, a floozy, a whore, a hoe, a slapper, a tramp, a slag, a tart or a trollop (you get the idea) by her peers. Of course, guys think that the harlot is great for a one night stand! However, they like to think that their girlfriend/wife is purer than the driven snow.

This double standard is shown in the graph above. A guy's reputation is generally enhanced as the notches appear on the bedpost while a woman's suffers by the same token. Personally, I try to abide by my mother's exhortation, "stay away from the floozies"! Not that I've had much choice in the matter anyway!!!

Sex and dancing

2007-06-04T19:01:00.001+01:00

The diagram above is a representation of the saying that dancing is sex standing up. Watch any couple doing a Latin dance if you have any doubts about the veracity of this statement! So, when you are out in a night club you'd be best advised to pay attention to how the objects of your affection/lust shake their booties on the dance floor. You won't be alone - ever notice the number of men that circle the dance floor gawking at the gyrating girls? Dirty voyeurs, the lot of them! A seat looking down on the dance floor is probably the best spot in the club. Even if you are there on a solo mission, there are many hours of entertainment to be had. Watching an attractive woman moving her hot (and preferably scantily clad) body in rhythm to the music, whose mind wouldn't start speculating........?! Plus, how many girls have wondered about Patrick Swayze after watching Dirty Dancing for the umpteenth time?!

On the dance floor, it's very easy to spot the gamey, the useless, the self-centred and even the premature ejaculator! Apparently, someone who dances staccato (e.g. like a robot) is a prime candidate for the latter! You have been warned, ladies! You might think that the Tony Mineros would be the best in the sack, but you'd be wrong. Someone who hogs the limelight on the dance floor is likely to be an egomaniac. Consequently, he (it will most likely be a he!) will not be too concerned about how you're doing in bed. Of more interest to him will be him, him and him!

Is someone that likes dancing alone a chronic masturbator? This theory would seem to indicate as much! It's never nice to see a guy dancing solo on the dance floor, even if it is a pathetic effort to muscle in on a group of ladies dancing around their handbags!

Why women enter relationships

2007-06-04T18:52:00.001+01:00

You don't have to be Einstein to work out why women want a serious, long term relationship. In contrast to men, women are programmed to form a nest and raise a family. If men and women weren't programmed this way and sex wasn't so enjoyable (I hear!), then we Homo Sapiens wouldn't last too long! Of course, nowadays with all the jabs you can get, finding a man isn't strictly necessary for having a baby! However, skipping the most enjoyable part, the first few minutes of old fashioned conception, is such a shame!

Sure, not every woman wants kids - just the overwhelming majority. Some women feel safer with a more powerful male taking care of her. Others, like men, enter relationships for the companionship, the nookie or because of social pressure. The latter tends to be more pronounced for women as their prime child bearing years are her twenties and thirties. Men can still produce the goods well into their 80s, although why they'd want to at that age is another question! If the woman hasn't made inroads into finding a man by the time she hits 30, the pressure can be quite intense, especially from her family. This can lead to unions made for the wrong reason (or indeed arranged unions). Not the best basis for a relationship going forward.

Why men enter relationships

2007-06-04T18:50:00.001+01:00

Why do we men enter serious, long term relationships if we are so reputedly afraid of commitment? Well, for a start, it would be nice to have someone to your washing, cooking and cleaning etc! This is the mothering aspect mentioned in the ideal woman post. Companionship is a motivation for some guys. No one wants to grow old alone after all and it would be much more pleasant if you had someone to order around (only joking, ladies! Besides, it is much more likely to be the other way around these days!).

Kids are another factor. Although a lot of guys might not be too pushed about the idea and only have them because the woman wants them or it's the thing to do, there are a sizable number of blokes who have a strong desire to produce some progeny. A small minority of guys might settle down in the first place, because it's the thing to do. Society, after all, tends to discriminate against the singleton in a lot of situations. This is obviously not a good reason to enter into a relationship and is the type of union most likely to fail somewhere down the pipe.

However, the biggest reason why men enter relationships is "sex on tap". As discussed many times on this blog, men are programmed to go forth and procreate. Most of our energies are focused on it and most of our anxiety comes from not getting it! Therefore, why not get into a situation where you can have it regularly with someone you like? Of course, relationship dynamics change all the time. When the tap is turned off, that's when the big problems start for a guy!

Take it to the next level!

2007-06-04T18:44:00.001+01:00

A relationship typically is comprised of various distinct stages or levels. These levels, shown in the diagram above, are:

The point of zero energy/effort (along the time axis) is when you are footloose and fancy free.
The first level proper is reached when you first lock eyes across a crowded room, time slows down, your world stands still, your heart beats faster etc. etc.
The nerve wracking first date - Someone made the first move and set up that romantic first date. It will be the most perfect of dates, talked about for the rest of your lives. Perhaps even written about for generations! No pressure!
The crucial 2nd date - keep it going now. You've both decided that there could be something here. Plain sailing from here, surely?!
Don't call me Shirley and now it's on to date number three. According to US TV shows, this is when you should seal the deal these days! You may want to draw it out a bit (as discussed here) to maximum your chances though, ladies.
If you've met over three times, you're going out. Now the hard work really begins.
All going well, you fall in love. Bless!
Next up is talking about making a future together.
Congrats - you've made that future happen. All together now, "Here comes the bride....".

If a couple put sufficient energy into their relationship at their current level, they will jump naturally to the next level. Sometimes couples will consciously decide to "take it to the next level" as this emphasises their growing devotion to each other. Many relationships stagnate at a particular level, usually because of commitment issues with the man! In a successful relationship however, the couple eventually reach the top level. At this point, both have invested a lot of time and energy in getting there.

Unfortunately, it can all go horribly wrong at any stage in a relationship. Just because you reach the top level for example, doesn't mean that you are home and hosed. If a relationship breaks up, all the stored energy is released, usually in an explosive mix of anger, acrimony and bitterness, all tinged with sadness. This is a direct result of the 2nd law of thermodynamics - energy is never created or destroyed, only changed from one form to another!

This is shown in the diagram above only for a break-up while at the top level (for reasons of clarity). The line D represents a divorce or irrevocable separation, where the parties are returned to singledom, accompanied by the aforementioned emotional fallout. In this case, the energy release will be potentially huge as it is proportional to the length of time they have been together.

Sh*t or get off the pot!

2007-06-04T17:12:00.000+01:00

There comes a crunch time in any relationship. This is commonly known as the "shit or get off the pot" moment. It's do or die for the relationship; do you move on to the next level, or does your romance go the way of the dodo?

The graph above shows a relationship up until just after this critical juncture. The area marked H is the honeymoon period, as described in the personality vs looks post. This period is characterised by a rapid rise in relationship viability as you successfully navigate the crucial first few dates. Eventually you become an item and settle into a steady state, marked by B above. At the beginning of this stage, both parties are not sure of the long term chances, but are willing to go with the flow for a while. The length of this 'while' will be shorter, the older the protagonists are (especially the woman!). Sooner or later however, an important decision will have to be made. Do you see the relationship going the whole hog (yeigh!) or are you just wasting your partner's time in the long run (neigh!)?

If it's the former, then the good times can continue rolling. If it's the latter, you have to do the decent thing and let the relationship die a quick and painless (as possible) death. If you are terminating the love affair, you better have the "it's not you, it's me" line (or variant of same) on standby, as your decision may baffle an oblivious partner.

Bom chicka wah wah!

2007-06-04T01:03:00.001+01:00

This chart shows the approximate levels of attraction when you meet new people in a pub/club. That's a polite way of saying it's a measure of how much you want to get into their pants! These levels cover the entire spectrum from not interested in the slightest to love at first sight. Normalised with the most desirable being 100%, the levels are:

Get me out of here, quick!: How bad can be possibly be? This bad. This person presses all the wrong buttons. S/he is not your type at all and you can't think of a single thing to talk about. Picture your dream partner, now think the opposite. Nasty.
Is that the time?: Only slightly better. Not your cup of tea really, so no point wasting valuable scoring time. You make your excuses early and get the hell out of Dodge!
Come back later: One for the back burner. This person is OK, but you think you can do better. Make a mental note to return at 10 to 2, if necessary.
Oh, baby!: Now we're talking. Some sparks fly as the chemistry starts to kick in. You hope that that some biology will follow shortly after.
Get 'em off ya: Whatever that je ne sais quoi is, you've just found it! You want to rip those clothes off this fine thing and get jiggy. However, it's probably best if you wait until you get back to your place (or his/her place) for that!
Where have you been all my life?: You fall head over heels in love at first sight! Your reason for living crystallises in your mind, the stars align in the sky and the world is suddenly a beautiful place!

Neither extreme happens too often. After all, how many times can you meet 'the one', for example?! Most people you meet are at some point in between. If you're lucky you'll get some regular fizz among the flotsam. Make hay when you do!

Hirsuteness increases with age

2007-06-03T13:45:00.001+01:00

The above graph is surely bad news for men like Robin Williams and women everywhere. Unfortunately, it is a fact that our bodies get hairier as we get older. We come in to the world with skin as smooth as a, err, baby's arse, but some of us leave it looking like Tarzan's adoptive father!

For us men, the release of massive amounts of hormones at puberty really kicks the process into gear. You might shave once a week at the beginning, rising to daily or even more frequently as the formative years pass. You'd hope it would stop there, but hair growth tends to continue into middle age. It wouldn't be so bad if it was our manly chest or muscular limbs that got more matted, but no, what do we get instead? Nostril and ear hair, mainly! Even while we're losing it upstairs, it starts sprouting out of the most unlikely locations and there's damn all we can do about it!

For women, as they age, it becomes a battle with the tweezers that would make even King Canute's struggle seem pretty manageable in comparison! Arms and legs get furrier and even worse, it starts appearing on the face. Take a look at a middle aged woman on a bus and chances are she has a better tache/smig then most school boys could manage. Admittedly, that competition isn't particularly fierce, but any unwanted hair is traumatic for a woman. Cue even more female preening - shaving, plucking and/or the application of creams, chemicals, wax, lasers or electric current!

Looks vs personality - ideal

2007-06-03T12:39:00.001+01:00

Back to the personality vs looks issue again! This graph shows the 4 possible extremes and where the ideal person for most people is most likely to fall. Of course, everyone is different and some may think that an extreme is perfect for them. There is, after all, no accounting for taste! The four extremes are:

A: Great looking with no personality. Well discussed here already. Probably bad in bed and most likely to be a narcissist. Best left to the trophy wife seekers and one night stand brigade. Besides, you'd always worry someone else was hitting on him/her!
B: Great looking with a fabulous personality. The perfect man/woman. Lives in Shangri-La, counts Santa Claus as a close friend and keeps the abominable snowman as a pet!
C: Ugly both on both the inside and outside. If there's one thing worse than a good looking person who fancies him/herself, it's an ugly person who does likewise! No redeeming features whatsoever.
D: Great personality, but unfortunately given a few too many wallops with the ugly stick. You would love to fancy this person, but you can't, no matter how hard you try. Check for siblings though!

As I've already said at length, personality is more important in the long run for a successful relationship. At the same time however, you have to be attracted to the person. However, this does not mean that they have to be a model. Often, you find that a person who is about average in looks alone can often become very attractive to you by virtue of a great personality.

Therefore, I reckon that the ideal person is someone with slightly better than average looks and a good personality. The good news is that since you're pretty near the median on both counts, there are loads of such people around. The bad news is that there are equal numbers of people with slightly below average looks and a fairly crappy personality (and so on) also!

Morals decrease with time since last action

2007-06-03T11:29:00.000+01:00

While I'm on the topic of things decreases with time since your last conquest, here's another one - morals. Unfortunately, I have been on the receiving end of this and it isn't nice (you know who you are and what you did!)! Admittedly, this pertains to males more than females, men being the selfish, inconsiderate, unprincipled pigs that they are! The graph above also implies that, like fussiness,

M ∝ 1/D

where:

M=Morals
D=desperation

This also makes sense. The more desperate you are, the more likely it is that your morals will go out the window. In the early days since your last conquest, you would never consider any untoward action. However, all's fair in love and war. Throw in a bit of a drought and your best mate's sister/girlfriend/wife/mother is probably not safe, given half a chance!!

Fussiness decreases with time since last action

2007-06-02T15:50:00.001+01:00

In addition to age, your level of fussiness also decreases with the time since your last relationship/tryst. This is shown in the graph above, which shows the approximate levels of fussiness a woman slides down through as the memories of the last bit of romance/action recede. Men go through similar levels, although the slope of the line is probably much steeper! This graph implies that fussiness is inversely proportional to desperation, that is to say:

F ∝ 1/D

where:

∝=proportional to
F=fussiness
D=desperation

This stands to reason. The more desperate you are, the less fussy you are and vice versa. For this reason, you should not be in a night club at 10 to 2 with beer goggles on if it has been a considerable period of time since your last conquest. If you are susceptible to this, it may be advisable to carry a small hacksaw for the next morning on your person!

Fussiness decreases with age

2007-06-02T15:45:00.001+01:00

Following on from the previous post on levels of discernment, the graph above shows that fussiness does not stay constant with age. When you're in your late teens and early twenties, you can afford to be idealistic when trying to find 'the one' or even 'the one for the night'. After all, you're young and time is on your side. You meet a nice person, but s/he isn't quite the full package. The hair colour might be wrong or you didn't like his/her shoes perhaps. No problem - another candidate is just around the corner.

However, as you get older you can't afford to be quite as selective as you once were. Your peers begin disappearing and prospective dreamboats become rather thin on the ground (and fat around the middle!). At this point, the fretting can begin in earnest. Pretty soon, desperation starts to seep in and all those essential criteria you had go out the window. If you're approaching the big 4-0 mark and you're still alone, you'll take almost anyone as long as s/he has a pulse and doesn't kill animals for fun!

Levels of discernment

2007-06-02T15:04:00.000+01:00

The chart above shows the approximate levels of fussiness when it comes to selecting a partner. These levels, normalised to the fussiest being 100%, are:

Cracked plate: Person would get up on same. This saying usually pertains to the male of the species, but you get the idea.
If it moves: Only slightly fussier than above as it rules out necrophiliacs and other obscure fetishists!
It's 10 to 2: Time is almost up at the club - hurry up and nab something, anything!
Average: Just like it says on the tin - the median between the extremes.
Not seen with just anyone: These people have some class. They have certain criteria that must be fulfilled.
Only the very best, darling: if you meet someone as fussy as this, you better be rich, have a flawless family tree, unbeatable prospects and be able to withstand a background check by a private investigator. And that's just to get a first date!

I would imagine that the best type of person to meet is someone that is the "not seen with just anyone" side of average. Any more discerning and their demands on a prospect mate become unrealistic. Any less fussy and God knows where they've been!

Oink, miaow!

2007-06-02T14:40:00.000+01:00

Following on in some degree from what women think about, this rather contrived diagram shows the animals each gender most resembles. In the case of women, it is the vain cat, which also spends a large percentage of its time preening itself. Obviously, women are not as lazy or useless as domestic cats, but they certainly can match them for cunningness and for their manipulation skills!

Men, on the other hand, are commonly referred to as pigs. Whether it be for some cruel remark to your sister when you're young or for some inexcusable behaviour with a lady when you're older, the porcine reference can get trotted (get it?!) out quite a lot. Throw in the fact that a lot of us blokes can live in an unholy mess, not clearing away dishes and/or rubbish for weeks at a time and it is somewhat difficult to claim that this comparison is unfair. Unless, that is, you are arguing for the pig!

I wonder if it's a co-incidence that the most popular slang word for a woman's nether region is feline related while several porcine related slang words exist for the male appendage?!

What men think about

2007-06-02T10:53:00.000+01:00

This is somewhat easier for me to speculate on, me being one of the brethren and all! In contrast to women, men think about sex an awful lot. They say men think about it every 6 seconds or so. This may be an exaggeration as I've often gone a whole 10 seconds without an impure thought! Somewhat more seriously, sex, though, I don't think it's as, sex, often as that, but, what's definitely true is, sex, men think about it a hell of, sex, a lot more than women!! As mentioned previously, men have a strong compulsion to mate and a lot of their behaviour can be understood from that perspective.

Another thing that men think about a lot and women can't seem to grasp is 'nothing in particular'. Yes, that's right - we can happily sit watching the TV with the thought process disengaged for hours on end. Well, we could if we didn't keep getting the "what are you thinking now, dear?" type questions! If we answer honestly (i.e. nothing), paranoid suspicions are immediately aroused in the woman as this is an alien concept to her. You are probably best advised to make up a little white lie. I recommend something along the lines of "I was just thinking of where I could bring you to celebrate our anniversary, darling"!!!

Men, by and large, are happy to go with the flow and see what life throws at them. Most are not really into planning for the future, until they get a partner that is! What is of more immediate concern is when can they slip out with the lads to the pub again. Much thought can go into elaborate excuses to make this happen and how to disguise it afterwards!!!

What women think about

2007-06-02T10:12:00.004+01:00

Now, far be it for me to speculate on what the hell women are thinking about! I can only make a rough stab at it from my observations down through the years. I'm probably completely wrong, but this is how it appears from this end!

First and foremost, women always seem to be making plans for the future. Now that would be perfectly fine, if only you (the man) were not a part of it. But once you start going out with a woman, the "where do you see this relationship going?" type questions start surfacing like a u-boat, ready to torpedo your cosy arrangement of sex on demand!! You wonder why, like us, they can't just cool the jets and go with the flow. Instead, the mortgage plans are hatched, your children's names are chosen and their future schools and professions are decided before you can say "I thought we were only having a bit of fun"! It's probably due to the tick-tock of her biological clock, which increases in volume as she goes through her 20s and 30s.

The next biggest things that seem to occupy the female mind are the interrelated fields of herself and shopping. Women seem to spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about what colour lipstick makes their lips like Angelina, what foundation is best for her complexion, what colours and styles are in this season, what makes her arse look small, what kind of stripes and colours make her tummy look small and her boobs look big, what shoes go with what outfit, what hairstyle makes her face look thin, what hair colour suits her and so on.

As noted in an early post, she also dedicates some grey cells to 'androforming' - the shaping of her man to her specifications. If she doesn't have a man, she can plan what she can do when she eventually snares one!
I don't think a woman thinks about sex all that often during the course of an average day. These types of thoughts generally occur at appropriate times, like at bed time or after a romantic date. This contrasts significantly with how men think about it!

Sexual lifespan - female

2007-06-01T19:13:00.000+01:00

Women are more complicated (now, there's a surprise!). They are reputed to peak sexually in their mid 30s, when they (unlike men at their peak) should at least know what they are doing. Women should also be able the advantage of this peak, without having to resort to defiling 18 year old boys! The chances are that, at this age, the woman will have a lucky spouse/partner to help her through this difficult time. And who said men were selfish! The poor guy may even have to seek some pharmaceutical assistance in order to keep up with his women!

After the peak, the inevitable decline is in two stages. This is shown in the graph above with M marking the transition point. Stage 1 is a gradual decline until the menopause, which usually happens when a woman is in her 50s. After the 'change of life', the woman's sex drive will naturally suffer, now that her biological imperative has been removed by Mother Nature.

It's not all bad news though. Just like guys, there are magic pills available. Viagra has been known to work for women also and there are female alternatives. HRT can also improve matters apparently, but it is debatable whether it directly improves libido. The things that I have learned during the course of this blog!

Sexual lifespan - male

2007-06-01T18:36:00.000+01:00

Men are reputed to reach their sexual peak at 18. What a waste this is for most men! Your period of maximum sexual potency is marked by the least action and the least control. You're lucky if you can find your ass with both hands at that age, never mind someone else's!! After 18, as the graph above shows, it's a long (hopefully) steady decline into eventual impotency. When you're at your peak, you're like an unstable nuclear bomb - ready to explode at any instant. As you get older, you're more of a nuclear reactor - you learn to control things better, at the expense of some yield!

Viagra, however, has turned the nuclear reactor into Chernobyl! It can return relatively young guys to the good old days and keep them there until even the most voracious nymphomaniac is satisfied. Where once it was time for the older men to start thinking about hanging up the stirrups at about 60, guys can stay in the saddle now into their 80s with that magic blue pill! Octogenarians have no reason to fret any more. Now you can be a dirty old man for much longer. Hooray!! Or, alternatively, you too can live in pyjamas and be surrounded by adoring blonde bimbos. Just don't forget the getting rich part too or you might find it a little tough to live that dream!

Am I the first person to use nuclear physics metaphors to describe this? Who said that physics degree was a waste of time?!!

You're some langer!

2007-06-01T08:17:00.001+01:00

Another difference between men and women (and indicator of the differing levels of maturity) is the amount of names used to describe the nether regions. As the chart above shows, women don't really seem to use them (unless girl talk is full of it!), and if they do, they tend to stick to the one term for each area!

Men, on the other hand, must have hundreds of names for the male appendage alone. Off the top of my head, I can easily think of 20 for the "male brain" which is about average for a guy (how many can you come up with?)! Every culture and language comes up with their own slang for sexual body parts, with any phallic shaped object being an obvious choice for a man's pride and joy. Interested readers can check out a fairly comprehensive list here (Check out the /more page for lots of English slang words!). Ditto for women's fiddly bits (upstairs and downstairs). You can't say that I don't do my research!!

Most of these terms can be liberally applied to your buddies during 'friendly' banter, shouted at the TV/radio/football field as terms of 'endearment' or used with a stranger to start a fight!

Shall I buy my hat?!

2007-05-30T22:40:00.000+01:00

As if it wasn't bad enough watching your friends dropping off like flies, you also start getting 'helpful' reminders of your plight as you advance in years. The graph above shows that the number of 'subtle' digs about getting hitched that you receive is proportional to the number of older female relatives that you have. This is mainly aunts, but can also be aunt-in-laws, grandmothers and other assorted more distant relations. This is the main disadvantage to having 15 aunts (yes, 15!), I find!! To make matters worse, the friends of your parents and neighbours of a certain vintage can also row in with a "hat" enquiry!

The enquiries start when you are in your mid 20s and continue for about a decade, at which point they give up and move on to a younger cousin. The really sad thing is that it's actually worse when they stop asking. At that stage, even they realise that no one is going to be foolish enough to take you on!!! And don't think that you've escaped when finally you meet that special someone - then they move on to when your first/second/third etc. child will be arriving!

Oldest swinger in town

2007-05-30T21:52:00.002+01:00

Life is great when you're in your early to mid twenties. You have lots of single friends to go out with or bump into when you're already in the pub/club. Well, you better make the most of it, because unfortunately, it doesn't last! As the graph above shows, your number of single friends decreases as you get older. OK, you could make new, increasingly younger ones, but people tend to stick mainly with their peer group from school/home/college.

As you reach your mid to late twenties, they start dropping off the scene as they meet their Miss/Mr Right. Suddenly they want to spend the night in with their beloved or perhaps they have to spend the weekends travelling to be with their amour. Next thing you know, the wedding invitations start arriving in the post. These are great days because your dearest friends are committing themselves to a life of blissful happiness with their dream wo/man. Plus, there are invariably friends/relatives of the bride/groom that you haven't met/scored with yet!

Once you get to your mid thirties however, most of the weddings are behind you and your social circle has diminished considerably. You have only a small squad of single comrades left, where one there was a platoon! You'd like to go out as often as before, but it's hard to track down one sparring partner, never mind a posse. It only takes one or two solo missions to realise the futility off that approach. Where once you used to bump into friends at every turn, now all you see are silly young ones. My friend, you are now one of the oldest swingers in town! At the time that you probably most need to meet someone, it becomes harder and harder. Thank God for the Internet - it almost makes up for the lack of arranged marriages (in the West) these days!

Not as many single people go to the raft of Christenings that you now attend. You even begin dreading the occasional wedding that comes up as you're now the odd one at the table of couples. The world suddenly feels very couple oriented and you're probably being discriminated against by your married friends. Groups of couples go off on holidays, but you don't quite fit in now, do you? You wonder why your married mates envy your single life, but those faraway fields are always greener, aren't they?!

Dress to attract attention

2007-05-30T17:28:00.000+01:00

Another way for a man to tip the odds (slightly) in his favour when out in a night club is to wear an appropriately coloured shirt/top. Dark colours meld into the background in a dark club and suggest you want to skulk around and lack confidence. Brighter colours, on the other hand, suggest that you are confident because you don't mind standing out from the crowd.

Being the brightest colour, white might seem to be the obvious choice for the best colour to wear. However, with the ultra violet lights prevalent in many clubs, you tend to fluoresce with a blue hue! In addition, white is associated with purity, which most people aren't necessarily after in a night club!! Other bright colours, such as canary yellow or lime green are bright and will get you attention, but not for the right reasons! This is shown in my second colour chart above. To prove that I am not biased against red (see post on hair colour), it has jumped to top of the class! Red is associated with action, courage, confidence, and vitality - just the sort of traits you want to project in the heat of battle.

I happened across this fact by accident with what became known as my "shifting* shirt". My trusty red polo shirt was commented on many times by the ladies and definitely increased my chances from practically non-existent to negligible! Another way you can dress to increase attention from women is to wear something unusual or a top with something unusual/humorous written on it. This will give many women an easy opportunity to strike up a conversation with you.

*Approximately equal to "scoring" in Irish slang.

Confidence Trick

2007-05-30T08:14:00.000+01:00

Nice guys usually suffer from a lack of confidence, as discussed in the post on pub/club dating. This results in many a frustrating night out on the town, where the nice guy usually hasn't the cojones to make a move, seal the deal, pull the trigger (you get the picture!).

Without doubt, the most important (and noticeable) attribute of any successful womaniser is self-confidence. Women can sense confidence (or lack of same) in a man like a dog can sense fear. The graph above shows how a man's success rate with the ladies is proportional to his self-confidence. You're as well off staying at home and using the Internet to meet chicks if you are lacking in this department. Unfortunately, confidence if something that you can't really fake - it seeps out from your every pore and forms an aura that women are very sensitive to. If you go out projecting the wrong vibes, you may as well hold up a sign saying "loser" or have it tattooed on your forehead. There is more chance of Brangelina's natural kid being ugly than you scoring in a pub/club!

So, if you want to avoid the dreaded "let's be friends" line, some urgent remedial action is needed. You could try the "I am the man" trick - repeat it to yourself 500-1000 times a day while looking in the mirror (cheap option). Alternatively, you could seek help from a hypnotist/therapist /guru (expensive option) or sign up for one of those dating/makeover shows on TV! In any event, it is vital that you start to believe in yourself before others will.

Action Stations - Peak time in a club

2007-05-29T21:52:00.001+01:00

The graph above shows male hunting activity in a night club where the music stops at 2am. While most men are on the lookout once they enter the club, there is initially no panic. Drinks can be enjoyed, friends can be entertained and chicks can be ogled at. As the night progresses, women are approached, either solo or in wing commander/wing man formation.

Guys usually start with the best looking targets and work their way down, as the rejections pile up and the beer goggles take effect. When the clock strikes the dreaded "10 to 2", it's shoulder to the wheel to find a woman, any woman. There are only 10 minutes before the music stops and the hall begins to clear, so standards go out the window in order to procure some action. Many a man has woken up the following morning regretting this frenzy of desperate shape throwing. The drunken lunging usually continues until practically the last woman has left the joint!

Flashing the flesh

2007-05-28T17:18:00.004+01:00

A few interesting facts arise from visual vs verbal gender dichotomy. It probably explains why in order to get the opposite sex's pulse racing, men have to sweet talk or whisper sweet nothings, while women just have to flash a bit of flesh!

Women are well aware of this and, as the graph above shows, know that the fewer clothes they wear, the more attention they get from men. There is a type of woman that shows far less flesh than even a nun. However, I left them off the graph as I didn't want to live like Salman Rushdie (although his wife is very attractive!). There is also a type of woman that shows more flesh than a stripper. Naturists are not sexually motivated however and they are generally heavier than strippers!! In addition, the promise or hint of something is often more attractive than having it flop about in front of you. I discovered this on holidays once when, worryingly, topless female Swedish sunbathers lost their allure surprisingly quickly!

It is really disingenuous when women complain about men leering at them when they go out in a greyhound skirt and/or their boobs hanging out. Well ladies, if you don't want it looked at, don't put it on display! As I recently heard a guy say in a comedy film (can't remember which one!) to a woman in a low cut dress who caught him leering, "Yeah, you wore a dress like that because you wanted men to stare at your feet"!

Men don’t usually flash the flesh, thank goodness. Possible exceptions to this are the buffed up and the inked up. However, generally the more clothes a man wears, the better! After all, no one likes to see a gut hanging out over a pair of speedos, especially if there is a hairy back to go with it! So, unless you’re as smooth as a baby’s arse and have a physique like Arnie in his prime, it’s best to maximise your chances with the ladies by covering up as much as possible!

See no evil, hear no evil

2007-05-27T09:35:00.004+01:00

There is a school of thought that men are visual beasts while women are verbally oriented. There has been a raft of books written on the subject in recent times, quoting men's superiority at reading maps etc. and women's superiority at communicating. I must point out that there is also a school of thought that disregards this theory as hokum. But militant feminists/lesbians aside, I think that it's true in general. Now, of course there are women who have good spatial skills and men with good verbal skills, but as the graph above shows, they are in the minority. Men and women do not think the same; our brains are wired differently. I don't think anyone can argue with that. Then how could the sexes be equally good at everything if their brains are different? It is not a statement of superiority, simply an obvious statement of fact - men are better at some things while women are better at others.

I have already touched on the verbal discrepancy between the genders with the post on relative talking rates. From an evolutionary point of view, men had to go out and hunt, be aware of danger and find their way back to the cave. This would encourage good spatial skills to develop over time and to favour those men that had them. Women, on the other hand, had to bring up the sprogs and gossip with the other cavewives. These tasks would encourage communications skills!

In modern life, these skills manifest themselves in various ways. Men ask for directions only as a very last resort. It's a bit like getting overtaken in your car - some men think it makes them less of a man! Women's evolutionary advantage lends itself to nagging the man to stop the bloody car and just ask someone!! Men tend to be better at activities that require hand to eye co-ordination, like sports and driving. Women tend to excel at endeavours that require empathy, diplomacy or shopping!

Men are more liable to be stimulated by visual images while romantic or erotic stories are more likely to do it for women. After all, it is mostly men who buy porn magazines, and it's not for the articles! On the other hand, Mills & Boon sell millions of books a year (all with basically the same plot as far as I can tell!) and I don't think a single copy is bought by a straight man (except possibly as a present for his mother!).

When this principle is applied to dating, it's well known that men like to ogle and tend to judge women on their appearance. Indeed, most men have a favourite female body part that they like to focus their ogling on. Women instinctively know this and therefore dress to attract male attention. On the other hand, women being more verbally oriented, tend to judge men more by their personalities. While this is obviously a better strategy for picking a long term partner, the male approach has its merits for shorter term entanglements!

Desperado!

2007-05-26T16:22:00.001+01:00

As mentioned in the previous post on relaxation, the desperation of a single guy increases with the time since his last action. This is probably also true of men in relationships where the ardour has cooled. This is because a man's genetic drive is to go forth and fornicate. If he doesn't, he starts to fret.

As shown on the graph above, the first few weeks are no problem. After a couple of months, the batteries have been fully recharged. If there is still no sign of anything in the pipeline at this point, the anxiety starts to kick in. As the drought continues, the level of desperation increases until after a year or so, you wonder if you'll ever reach the Promised Land again! Severe draughts of 5 years or more and you're worried that you've forgotten how to it or that everything is still in working order!

Breathe!

2007-05-26T15:50:00.000+01:00

The graph above shows that a guy's chances of success with the ladies increase with relaxation level. Trying to chat up a chick is very much like a job interview. The only difference is that in the latter you're trying to talk yourself into a job, while in the former you're trying to talk yourself into her pants! And just like an interview for a job that you really really want, the more you like the woman that you're talking to, the bigger the idiot you're likely to make of yourself. This is obviously because you are more anxious and nervous. You tense up, watching your Ps and Qs and afraid to say anything that might blow your chances. If you could only convince yourself that you didn't fancy the girl, you could relax and be your charming witty self! Ironically, if you could do this, your chances would be much better. Trying to measure your words can reduce you to a boring mute or a disjointed, jabbering mess! As the song says, "be yourself, mistakes and all".

Also, it is well known that it is far easier to attract female attention when you already have a woman. Why is this? I think it is because a man who is spoken for is inherently more relaxed than his single counterpart. A single guy begins to reek more and more of desperation as the time since his last shag increases. Consequently, he will be more anxious than he would be if he was in a happy and committed relationship (and thus getting regular action!). This is not good when trying to attract a new mate as it reduces your carousing efficiency. It might be advisable for the single man to become a Zen Master, especially if he is in a bit of a drought!

Cybersex

2007-05-26T14:49:00.001+01:00

I touched on this subject before in the post on Internet dating. The graph above shows the approximate number of men and women that would indulge in some sort of online sexual frolics, given half the chance. This is commonly referred to online as "cybersex", or "cyber" for short. It may be a conservative estimate, but I reckon that 90% of men in online chat rooms are either very upfront about it or would partake if given the green light by the fairer sex. It doesn't make much difference if the man is married, engaged, otherwise spoken for or single. This behaviour seems to be more prevalent with younger men, probably due to excess testosterone. Perhaps the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak with the older guys! The corresponding figure for women is quite low and again mostly confined to younger women, or as mentioned previously, men pretending to be women!

Most men go to chat rooms to meet women for sexual activity, not to shoot the breeze with them or talk shite with other guys. Women, on the other hand, will happily chat anywhere, at anytime with anyone for any reason. This is a fundamental difference between the sexes, which I mentioned in the very first posts on this blog.

The anonymity of the web makes the more "direct" methods appealing for some idiots. After all, it is rather difficult to get a slap in the face over the Internet! Guys in chat rooms usually use several techniques to try and get some online action:

If the woman has a suggestive online name (e.g. Big_Boobs or Up4It_Now) and/or the guy is young, the crass sexual remark will often be the opening gambit.
If the woman doesn't have a suggestive moniker, establish where she lives. If meeting up physically is practical, try to engineer that as soon as possible to hopefully get some real action. If she lives far away, on to option 3.
Start amicably, while making gradually less and less subtle innuendo to see if the woman bites. If she does, proceed to talking dirty. If she doesn't, ditch the time waster and move on to someone else.
Invite her to use a more "private" or "better" chat (e.g. MSN Messenger) and offer to show her your cam. Of course, you meant your fiddly bits, not your face - how could she not know that? If she bites (not literally!), proceed to having "fun". If not, you're a pervert!
It's not all bad. Chat amicably, perhaps for months or even years, just for the friendship. Most guys would not see the point of this! Instead, most would eventually organise to meet (regardless of where she lives), fall in love and live happily ever after. Yeah, right!

I wonder which of these scenarios is the least likely?!

New site logo

2007-05-26T11:28:00.000+01:00

Cue drum roll! Introducing the new site logo, which will be visible on the right hand side of every page from now on! It's in two sizes above, one for those for whom size doesn't matter and one for whom it does!! Given the relative position and tapered sides of the images above, they ended up having a slight "Star Wars" effect! That was purely co-incidental! I've had to write this post for technical reasons, but it's nice to introduce the logo all the same.

I think it turned out alright! OK, so I'm no Leonardo, but it's not that bad and I think it reflects the content of this blog pretty well! It's amazing what you can do with clip art when you put your mind to it!

Belly top suitability

2007-05-25T16:13:00.000+01:00

Oh the joys of seeing a belly top adorning the torso of a flat stomached gal. Top it off with a nice tan and/or a belly button piercing and you have one of the finest sights in nature! In fact, if I was David Attenborough, I'd consider doing a series on it!

However, wearing one is fraught with danger as it's a thin line between alluring and disgusting. It's never nice to see a person wedged into an outfit that clearly does not suit their physique. This is especially true with the belly top where even the slightest excess around the midriff is ruthlessly exposed. You could say that ambition is being confused with capability or that there is an absence of close friends to take the offender aside. You have to be cruel to be kind sometimes and this is a prime example of where much embarrassment could be saved with a quiet word.

Surely one of the worst sights in bird watching (of the non-feathered variety) is the so called "muffin top", where the excess blubber spills out over the skirt/trousers like a muffin over its casing. The graph above shows how the chances of looking good in a belly top decreases with every excess pound that you carry.

Best left to the genetically blessed or the super fit, me thinks, just like bicycle shorts on a man! As I like to say "If you got it, flaunt it; if you don't, don't"!!

Peroxide Pays!

2007-05-25T09:50:00.000+01:00

The diagram above is the graphical representation of the adage that blondes have more fun! This is probably because, outside of Northern Europe, blondes are pretty rare. The vast majority of native Asians, Africans, Australians, North and South Americans have dark hair. This makes the blonde seem very exotic and therefore desirable. So, the blonde will get far more attention from the opposite gender and thus will tend to have more fun. Or then again, maybe it is just because they are easier to see in the dark of the pub/club/night!!

Funnily enough, this does not seem to work with being ginger. That tends to be seen as more of a novelty in foreign lands and a handicap nearer to home!!! Apparently, about 1% of the human race is afflicted with red hair, most of them descended from the Celts of Ireland and Scotland!

I have no empirical evidence for sorting the other hair colours in order of fun quotient. However, going by the logic above, it is reasonable to assume that, ginger aside, the lighter your hair colour, the more fun you're likely to have!

As most people's hair tends to darken as they age, does this mean that you have less fun as you grow older? This might correlate with the fact that you have the most fun when you're a carefree child, but then you have to grow up, get a job, mortgage etc. Then, when you start getting lighter again (by going grey), chances are that the house is mostly paid off, the kids have almost flown the coop, retirement beckons and the good times can roll again! Now there's a theory!

Ah sure, you'll have another one

2007-05-25T09:35:00.000+01:00

As mentioned in the Brewer's Droop and persistence posts, it is accepted by all that drink reduces one's inhibitions. This is true at any stage in a successful conquest; in the pub or nightclub when approaching someone initially, when speaking with someone you are trying to score with and in the sack where some extra experimentation might be entertained. It's not for nothing that the time honoured method of getting a woman in to bed is to ply her with drink!

The graph above shows how increasing amounts of alcohol consumed will result in the lowering of inhibitions. As in previous posts, this welcome relationship does not go on indefinitely as too much alcohol has a detrimental effect. It will reduce inhibitions to the point of coma, at which time you won't be in a position to say no (or anything else) to any suggestion.

Jobs women like for themselves

2007-05-24T13:11:00.001+01:00

Like their male counterparts, I presume women would prefer a job doing something they love. That could include being a buyer for a department store (á la Rachel in Friends), a fashion designer or shoe tester! The dream job for many young ladies growing up is probably modelling. The romantic notion of getting paid twenty grand for getting out of bed to model designer clothes all day is quite alluring. Alas, like most dreams, the reality is somewhat different. Assuming you're one of the tiny percentage of women with the necessary genetics, being a clothes horse means you can only dream about eating. Consequently, you can say goodbye to whatever boobs you might have had and say hello to smoker's lung, a deviated septum and the porcelain phone!

For a lot of women, sculpting their coiffure or decorating their nails are heavenly pursuits. So why not get a job where you can do that all day while also talking....a lot! Sounds like a win-win situation. It's probably more fun being on the receiving end of these treatments, but at least you're involved! Addicted to yoga/Pilates/Tai-Bo/aerobics etc? Then why not become an instructor and make a living from your passion?

A lot of women are drawn to noble professions in education and health care. For obvious evolutionary reasons, the female instincts are drawn more towards caring and nurturing than the male. Nursing has long been a traditional career for women and it is hard to conceive a more admirable job. In addition, the once male preserve of medical practice is now opened up to women (at least in the West, that is!). Indeed, the increasing performance gap between girls and boys at school means that medical schools have been taken over by women in some countries!

Just like guys, a lot of women would love a job in the arts or entertainment. Can you shriek like a banshee or do you have the voice of an angel? Either way, a pop career could beckon. A Hollywood leading lady gig would be nice, but you better make hay while you're young. These jobs start to dry up after about 30 and you have to be wary of that casting couch! These days, every second woman in Ireland seems to be writing chick-lit, so why not give that a blast? You might be successful, even if your father is not running the country!

Jobs men like for themselves

2007-05-24T13:10:00.001+01:00

Well, what sort of professions would guys like to do themselves? I guess the trick for anybody is to find a job that they love doing. An ideal job is one you'd do even if you weren't getting paid for it. For most guys, that means sport. How many men would love to score the winning goal in a cup final, burn up the best courses in the world as a professional golfer or travel the globe as a playboy racing driver? It certainly beats working for a living. Unfortunately, only a very small percentage of men are good enough at any sport to make it as a professional.

How does rock star grab you? The money, the fame, the adoring groupies would be nice. Can't sing a note or play an instrument? It doesn't stop some, but you can consider a career as a Hollywood leading man instead! Oh, for the chance of saying a line like "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."! More wooden than Keanu Reeves? Try writing or painting. Rich people pay silly money for paintings of squiggles and any old written drivel can sell millions these days (hopefully!). Hell, you can even be a professional video gamer these days. If only I was 10/20 years younger!

I guess most guys want to be a pilot when they are a kid. Some still do when they (sort of) grow up! Jet setting around the world wearing a chick magnet uniform has got to be the business. Or does it? Apparently, an airline pilot's job is quite boring these days with the computer doing almost everything and the pilot just supervising. Then there are the cosmic rays constantly bombarding you with radiation. Being a fighter pilot is still exciting though, especially if it comes with a cool motorbike and Kelly McGillis!! Getting shot down or wearing your stomach on the outside (from massive g-forces) might be possible downsides, however!

Ambitious budding megalomaniacs tend to go into business and/or politics where money and power can be accrued. This usually doesn't come without hard work however, unless daddy (or daddy-in-law) is the chief executive or a big political cheese!

It's not all about power, money and chicks though. There are guys who actually prefer personal fulfilment over Mammon. This admirable bunch includes religious personnel (except those doing it for the altar boys), educators (except those doing it for the holidays) and health care professionals (except those who do it for the prestige/money).

Jobs men like women to have

2007-05-24T13:09:00.001+01:00

Men are not immune to the uniform fetish either. One of the traditional favourite female occupations for a guy is the trusty nurse. Maybe it's the fact that they work in the caring profession and are thus more likely to fill the mothering requirement in their ideal woman. Or then again, it could be because of the helicopter joke. Either way, the trusty nurse is one of a man's favourite female occupations.

It is no coincidence that a lot of porno tends to feature nurses (so I'm told!) as it panders to a lot of male fantasies, men being by far and away the largest consumer of said material. I'm not sure if a man would like to actually date a porn star per se, but he would certainly like to meet someone with their "freedom of expression" in the scratcher*!

Another analogous to an entry (retail) in the list of male professions that women like, a woman who has access to cheap beer would be most treasured. This may be a rep for a beer company (ideally) or a bar maid who can slip you the odd free drink or 5 of a night out! Such women are highly prized and much sought after among the brethren.

Being superficial and all, men usually go for looks first in a woman, so modelling would be a popular ideal choice of profession. A lingerie or page 3 model would garner most respect from your peers, and less likely to be a chain smoking, cocaine snorting, mobile phone throwing, anorexic bag of bones like the catwalk variety model. The chances of an average Joe ever scoring with a model are pretty slim, but it can be done!

On a similar note, I don't think Brittany Spears (pre 2007 perhaps!), Shakira or Angelina would be short of takers if they put a lonely heart ad in the paper! The trouble for stars is that it is very hard to relate to normal folk and to determine who is a gold digger and who is genuine. Thus, the dating scene for celebs tends to be rather incestuous and difficult to break into for the aspiring gigolo! We can, but dream, although they are also likely to be quite different in reality from what we perceive

*slang term for bed

Jobs women like men to have

2007-05-24T13:06:00.001+01:00

This is the first of a series of posts where I'll investigate the jobs men and women would like for themselves and find attractive in the opposite sex. First off, the male professions that rock women's boats.

Well, everyone knows about women and the uniform effect, especially women who have seen Richard Gere in An Officer and a Gentleman. I'm not sure if a security guard or Burger King uniform will cut it, but military personnel, firemen and police officers exude an aura of heroic manliness. However, the overly macho dispositions, peripatetic lifestyles and inherent danger do not make these types of professions conducive to long term relationships. But for a fling, it's "Hello, sailor"!

Another job with a heroic element and a uniform of sorts (white coat), is the perennially popular (with the ladies) medical doctor. A PhD in weeds or the reproductive system of a gnat won't impress the ladies quite as much, unfortunately. If you can stomach the medic's crazy hours in the early years and his condescending, obnoxious and egotistical personality, then you'll really be on a winner down the pipe. When he is a millionaire consultant, as his wife you will command such respect down in the golf club.

Speaking of sports, a lot of ladies like sports stars, and why not? Nowadays they are usually built like the proverbial brick outhouse and make colossal money. While the aforementioned junior doctors work non-stop for days on end saving lives, soccer stars get twice their yearly salary every week for a few hours of kicking a ball of air around a field. It's a crazy world.

Another profession where the men tend to be buffed of body is in the entertainment business. In addition, you generally don't get ugly rock stars or actors. If you can tame the beast, banish the groupies and like getting your picture taken, then the glittering lifestyle of the rich and famous could be for you. It is not without its drawbacks however. The public and private personas are usually very different, with the outwardly confident star a self-centred neurotic behind the scenes. You may also have to convert to a wacky cult.

What woman wouldn't want a guy who worked in retail (and in shoes, in particular)? The endless shopping that could be done with that precious discount! Since a woman seems to buy a new pair of shoes every other day, a significant amount of her income could be redirected into handbags, cosmetics etc. if she dated a shoe shop owner/manager/worker!

As mentioned in an earlier post, power and money attract women, so men involved in politics and business will also have a female fan base. As my (then) 94 year old grandmother wisely put it when commenting on how a fairly ugly and rich politician managed to get a mistress - "money makes you good looking"! Well said, granny!

Nice wheels

2007-05-23T19:17:00.000+01:00

While I'm on the subject of men and their cars, here is another correlation that I've heard about on occasion. Apparently, some women judge how a man might look after them by the condition that he keeps his car in. The thinking here is probably that it is a measure of how he looks after things dear to him. This is bad news for guys who use their car as a mobile tip or to grow spuds in the footwells! Indeed, it's not great either for guys who are a touch anal about keeping the motor in pristine condition (guilty!). This may indicate a hard to please perfectionist or, worse, a psychotic control freak. However, I like to this of it as having respect for yourself and others!

This correlation, shown in the graph above, has ramifications for single male non-drinkers and designated drinkers everywhere. These individuals occasionally get to offer one or more women a lift from the pub to the nightclub or (if he's lucky) from the pub/club to her/their place of residence. Indeed, the latter is the one trump card that the sober guy has when he's out attempting to carouse. This is especially true in climates where it rains a lot, e.g. SE Asia in the rainy season or the West of Ireland all year round!). In wet conditions, looking for taxis is very unpleasant and they are harder to come by. Che-ching - shake those car keys!!!

So get those vacuum cleaners out, guys - it's time to dig up those spuds. You wouldn't want a manky automobile to scupper your chances at the eleventh hour, now would you?! Just don't overdo it - I will try to get my rulebook for what's not allowed (e.g. no eating, drinking, puking, smoking or farting) in my vehicle down to one volume!