The probability of finding available women

The ladies have had their Reilly equation*. Now it's the guys' turn! The above graphic shows the Reilly equation for calculating the number of women that are available to you, the single (or cheating!) man. It takes important factors such as the population density of where you live, your personal characteristics and your stamina for playing the field into consideration.

Typical approximate values for the terms in the equation are:

R*=3,350,000,000 - half the world's population.
fa=0.0000149 - assuming you live in a city of 100,000 people, half of whom are female.
fo=0.20 - discount the too young, the too old, the happily married etc.
M= 0.6 - normalised to between 0.1 (no pot to piss in) and 1.0 (millionaire and above). 0.6 equates to doing all right for yourself.
C= 0.5 - normalised to between 0.1 (shrinking violet) and 0.9 (you da man). 0.5 equates to a happy medium between shy and cocky.
A=0.5 - normalised to between 0.1 (Quasimodo) and 0.9 (Adonis). 0.5 equates to not frightening anyone with your visage.
P=0.5 - normalised to between 0.1 (accountant) and 0.8 (life and soul of the party). 0.5 equates to a person who doesn't train spot as a hobby.
L=0.4 - normalised to between 0.0 (agoraphobic) and 0.8 (party animal). 0.4 equates to a person who socialises normally.

Solving for N, the number of available women to this average Joe, gives about 300. An even worse return than for the ladies from a large enough city. However, you too can improve your odds. Try moving to Tokyo or Mexico City, reading a joke book, having plastic surgery, selling your TV and/or robbing a bank!


**As before, based on the Drake equation used to estimate the number of detectable extraterrestrial civilizations in our Milky Way galaxy!

The probability of finding available men

The above graphic shows the Reilly equation** for calculating the number of men that are available to you, the single (or cheating!) woman. It takes important factors such as the population density of where you live, your personal characteristics and your stamina for playing the field into consideration.

Typical approximate values for the terms in the equation are:

R*=3,350,000,000 - half the world's population.
fa=0.0000149 - assuming you live in a city of 100,000 people, half of whom are male.
fo=0.40 - discount the too young, the too old, the odd faithful man etc.
fb= 1 - normalised to between 0.0 (all dead) and 1.0 (all alive).
S= 0.6 - normalised to between 0.1 (fried eggs) and 0.9 (Lolo Ferrari). 0.6 equates to what our American brethren call a nice rack.
B=0.5 - normalised to between 0.2 (Ginger Rogers) and 0.8 (Marilyn Monroe).
H=0.5 - normalised to between 0.1 (babe, the pig) and 0.8 (hot babe). 0.5 equates to an attractive gal.
D=0.6 - normalised to between 0.2 (nun) and 0.9 (slut). 0.6 equates to a person tasteful, but alluring.
L=0.4 - normalised to between 0.0 (agoraphobic) and 0.8 (party animal). 0.4 equates to a person who socialises normally.

Solving for N, the number of available men to this average Jane, gives about 720. Not a great return from a largish city. Time to improve your man pool by moving to Tokyo or Mexico City, having plastic surgery, dyeing your hair, selling the TV and/or showing more cleavage!

Note: Negligible factors for men when they are out on the prowl, such as personality, are excluded from the equation.

**Based on the Drake equation used to estimate the number of detectable extraterrestrial civilizations in our Milky Way galaxy!

Ready, steady, wait

Of all the things that annoy men about women, getting ready for a night out must be up there just behind sudden headaches! And God help you, brother, if it's a swanky do that you are going to! And God help you even more if you're a stickler for punctuality! It doesn't seem to matter what time they start preparations at, because they never are ready on time. This means that you will be invariably be late for whatever you're going to. In addition, she'll probably hijack the rear view mirror for further adjustments en route.

The graph above shows the preparation times for an engagement with a 9pm kick off. The woman will start taking over the bathroom at about 6pm, bathing, preening and applying various lotions and creams. Then her entire wardrobe will have to be searched for the perfect combination of clothes and accessories. You are obliged to say that she looks wonderful in everything and avoid suggesting one particular outfit for fear that it implies another doesn't look good on her (or worse, implies that her arse look big in it)!

While the first few hours of this is going on you are watching TV while dispensing the aforementioned affirmations and under constant nagging to get ready yourself. Eventually, about 8.15, you get your ass in gear and after a quick shower, shave, tussle of the hair and 30 second rummage in the wardrobe, you're ready to go in about 15-30 minutes. This time maybe shortened if you had shaved/showered earlier in the day or lengthened if you have a "you're not wearing THAT, are you?" comment from herself!

What guys think they are good at

There are certain things that guys think that they do well. The most important of these things are displayed in the chart above. There is some correlation with the things men like to control, but this is to be expected. After all, why would you want to take the reins at some endeavour if you thought you were no good at it?

A lot of blokes think they can fix anything around the house, be it electrical, mechanical, electronic or structural. Usually they end up making things much worse and when an expert is finally called in, he has to be paid to undo their 'fixes' also! Give a guy a large fork and a barbecue and suddenly he thinks he's Gordon Ramsey, even if he usually turns out to be an ambassador for botulism!

I have never met a guy who thinks he can't play poker well. Even if he is complete pants and is easier to read than the alphabet, it's always Lady Luck's fault when he fails at the table! Consequently, we all think we could make a living as a professional poker player. Mind you, travelling the world playing cards, winning huge wads of cash, sleeping in late and impressing the ladies with our sharp play - what's not to like? Hell, I might give it a shot myself!

As alluded to in a previous post, men always think they can find their way anywhere. All they need is their trusty map and they can find anywhere. Even if the map is years out of date and/or partially missing. Like when fixing stuff, instead of seeking help early, they use their "special abilities" and usually end up getting even more hopelessly lost! Behind the wheel of a car, every guy is Michael Schumacher, without the chin and the cash! When we look at a Formula 1 race, we think that we could do that, if we were as poxy as those guys who got the chance! Every man thinks he drives smoothly, gracefully and safely, no matter how maniacal he may be in the cockpit!

However, of all the things that men think they do well, pleasing the ladies must be number one! Between the sheets, we're all Casanovas who can induce ecstasy in our partner at will. We know what buttons to press and when. We are a potent combination of porn star and Dr. Kinsey! The reality is somewhat different, as you ladies will attest. Mind you, you're only helping to perpetuate this particular myth every time you do a "Sally"!!!!

Is your girlfriend a lesbian?

Have you ever noticed your girlfriend checking out another chick? Cool, eh? Well, maybe not if she exhibits too many of the characteristics listed in the diagram above. As in the previous companion post, it's time to start getting worried/excited if there are multiple bells ringing for you now! You may dream of that kinky threesome, but even if that unlikely scenario came to pass, you can expect to be frozen out of the equation. If the two women had any tendencies in that direction, who do you think they would focus on - you or the other woman?

The dynamic between straight men and gay women is very different from that between straight women and gay men. Men do not hang out with butch lesbians for a start. They would be afraid that they'd be challenged to an arm wrestle....and lose. Besides, there's ultimately nothing in it for the man as she is not "butter side up"*! In addition, a lot of butch lesbians hate men, which to be honest, doesn't bother us guys a whole lot!

Another difference is that while a lot of women think that what gay guys get up to is, err, not pleasant, the concept of lesbianism is very exciting for most guys! Hence male porn is full of hot chicks getting it on together (I hear!), while female porn (if there is such a thing) probably has guys in aprons doing the housework while listening intently to your problems!


* a euphemism for straight, from the cult comedy Red Dwarf!

Is your boyfriend gay?

There are few things more devastating for a woman than finding out that her man is gay. Not only has she deal with the fact that she might be responsible for turning him off the fairer sex, but worse, he was probably the perfect man. He was loving, he was romantic. He was an emotional and sensitive soul who loved to talk about his feelings. He adored shopping and had an innate sense of style. He was perfectly groomed, liked all the TV shows you did and probably peed sitting down. Finding out that he batted for the other team probably destroyed her confidence in herself and probably in men also. Obviously, ladies, this must be avoided at all costs.

It is therefore very important to spot the warning signs early on and thus avoid the terrible anguish resulting from a late realisation. In some cultures (West of Ireland and probably Australian), simply owning an umbrella used to be reason enough for suspicions of a man's sexuality. However, the rise of the metrosexual and increased female influence has blurred the boundaries somewhat in today's world.

The Venn diagram above offers some possible pointers for the concerned girlfriend. Now, if any of the items listed above strikes a chord with you, there should be some cause for concern. There is no need to panic though unless there is a combination of items from 2 different areas (regions 1, 2, and 3 in the diagram). If your man exhibits characteristics from all 3 areas (region 4 above), you need to get your GAYDAR recalibrated!

It all started when I was a child....

If you grew up in the perfect family with the perfect parents who loved you unconditionally and encouraged you in everything that you did, chances are that you will be confident in your adult life. However, if you didn't grow up on Walton's mountain, you probably won't be quite as sure of yourself as you would like.

From a dating point of view, if, for example, you were a geek growing up, suffered from acne or were chubby, chances are that you will never have high self-confidence when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. As the graph above shows, the more severe your problems were, the less confident you will be as an adult.

Even if you lose the glasses and/or the weight and now have the complexion of a supermodel, the scars from your formative years will probably continue to haunt you throughout your life. Maybe counselling is the answer - if Tony Soprano can do it, then so can you! Alternatively, you could stew in your own morass - that's worked well so far, hasn't it?!