What guys think they are good at

There are certain things that guys think that they do well. The most important of these things are displayed in the chart above. There is some correlation with the things men like to control, but this is to be expected. After all, why would you want to take the reins at some endeavour if you thought you were no good at it?

A lot of blokes think they can fix anything around the house, be it electrical, mechanical, electronic or structural. Usually they end up making things much worse and when an expert is finally called in, he has to be paid to undo their 'fixes' also! Give a guy a large fork and a barbecue and suddenly he thinks he's Gordon Ramsey, even if he usually turns out to be an ambassador for botulism!

I have never met a guy who thinks he can't play poker well. Even if he is complete pants and is easier to read than the alphabet, it's always Lady Luck's fault when he fails at the table! Consequently, we all think we could make a living as a professional poker player. Mind you, travelling the world playing cards, winning huge wads of cash, sleeping in late and impressing the ladies with our sharp play - what's not to like? Hell, I might give it a shot myself!

As alluded to in a previous post, men always think they can find their way anywhere. All they need is their trusty map and they can find anywhere. Even if the map is years out of date and/or partially missing. Like when fixing stuff, instead of seeking help early, they use their "special abilities" and usually end up getting even more hopelessly lost! Behind the wheel of a car, every guy is Michael Schumacher, without the chin and the cash! When we look at a Formula 1 race, we think that we could do that, if we were as poxy as those guys who got the chance! Every man thinks he drives smoothly, gracefully and safely, no matter how maniacal he may be in the cockpit!

However, of all the things that men think they do well, pleasing the ladies must be number one! Between the sheets, we're all Casanovas who can induce ecstasy in our partner at will. We know what buttons to press and when. We are a potent combination of porn star and Dr. Kinsey! The reality is somewhat different, as you ladies will attest. Mind you, you're only helping to perpetuate this particular myth every time you do a "Sally"!!!!

Is your girlfriend a lesbian?

Have you ever noticed your girlfriend checking out another chick? Cool, eh? Well, maybe not if she exhibits too many of the characteristics listed in the diagram above. As in the previous companion post, it's time to start getting worried/excited if there are multiple bells ringing for you now! You may dream of that kinky threesome, but even if that unlikely scenario came to pass, you can expect to be frozen out of the equation. If the two women had any tendencies in that direction, who do you think they would focus on - you or the other woman?

The dynamic between straight men and gay women is very different from that between straight women and gay men. Men do not hang out with butch lesbians for a start. They would be afraid that they'd be challenged to an arm wrestle....and lose. Besides, there's ultimately nothing in it for the man as she is not "butter side up"*! In addition, a lot of butch lesbians hate men, which to be honest, doesn't bother us guys a whole lot!

Another difference is that while a lot of women think that what gay guys get up to is, err, not pleasant, the concept of lesbianism is very exciting for most guys! Hence male porn is full of hot chicks getting it on together (I hear!), while female porn (if there is such a thing) probably has guys in aprons doing the housework while listening intently to your problems!


* a euphemism for straight, from the cult comedy Red Dwarf!

Is your boyfriend gay?

There are few things more devastating for a woman than finding out that her man is gay. Not only has she deal with the fact that she might be responsible for turning him off the fairer sex, but worse, he was probably the perfect man. He was loving, he was romantic. He was an emotional and sensitive soul who loved to talk about his feelings. He adored shopping and had an innate sense of style. He was perfectly groomed, liked all the TV shows you did and probably peed sitting down. Finding out that he batted for the other team probably destroyed her confidence in herself and probably in men also. Obviously, ladies, this must be avoided at all costs.

It is therefore very important to spot the warning signs early on and thus avoid the terrible anguish resulting from a late realisation. In some cultures (West of Ireland and probably Australian), simply owning an umbrella used to be reason enough for suspicions of a man's sexuality. However, the rise of the metrosexual and increased female influence has blurred the boundaries somewhat in today's world.

The Venn diagram above offers some possible pointers for the concerned girlfriend. Now, if any of the items listed above strikes a chord with you, there should be some cause for concern. There is no need to panic though unless there is a combination of items from 2 different areas (regions 1, 2, and 3 in the diagram). If your man exhibits characteristics from all 3 areas (region 4 above), you need to get your GAYDAR recalibrated!

It all started when I was a child....

If you grew up in the perfect family with the perfect parents who loved you unconditionally and encouraged you in everything that you did, chances are that you will be confident in your adult life. However, if you didn't grow up on Walton's mountain, you probably won't be quite as sure of yourself as you would like.

From a dating point of view, if, for example, you were a geek growing up, suffered from acne or were chubby, chances are that you will never have high self-confidence when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. As the graph above shows, the more severe your problems were, the less confident you will be as an adult.

Even if you lose the glasses and/or the weight and now have the complexion of a supermodel, the scars from your formative years will probably continue to haunt you throughout your life. Maybe counselling is the answer - if Tony Soprano can do it, then so can you! Alternatively, you could stew in your own morass - that's worked well so far, hasn't it?!

Men and women as friends

Yes, this post is about the old chestnut - can women and men really be friends? Well, yes they can, but only if they don't fancy each other! Otherwise, as Harry says in the official movie for this blog*, "the sex part always gets in the way"! This is illustrated in the graph above, which shows that the chances of being friends is inversely proportional to how much attraction is felt between the pair.

Now, in that film scene, Harry goes on to claim that a guy can't be friends with any woman, but I don't agree with that. In fact, as the "Platonic Kid" (one of the many nicknames bestowed upon me by my best mate!), I am living proof that you can indeed be friends with members of the fairer sex. However, problems can arise during the course of the friendship if one party starts looking at their counterpart in a different light. This can result in a great relationship if both parties are similarly disposed to the idea, but can end in embarrassing disaster if the feelings are not reciprocated.

All in all, despite that possible elephant trap, having friends of the opposite gender is great (unless, of course, you are a nice guy and it has been forced upon you!). How else can you possibly figure out what the current object of your affection is thinking or why they are doing what they are doing? Asking your buddy can often give you valuable insight into the mysterious mind of the opposite sex!


*"When Harry Met Sally"

Telephone usage

Another difference between the sexes is in telephone usage. As shown in the chart above, telephone calls among men friends tend to be a lot shorter than those between women. A guy will ring up his mate and have a conversation like:

Guy A: Hey Scooter, how's it going?
Guy B: Not bad, Fat Lad. What's up?
Guy A: A few of the lads are heading out to the local later. You interested?
Guy B: Sure. What time?
Guy A: About 9pm. See you then, Dipstick.
Guy B: OK, Knucklehead. Bye.

That's pretty representative of a telephone conversation between males - short and to the point. Phones are a tool for passing short messages, nothing more. Women, on the other hand see the phone as a Godsend. If they don't have anyone to communicate with physically, they can call up a friend and discuss at length the minutiae of everything! This can happen even if they have just been with that individual. I don't have the time or energy to describe a typical telephone conversation between women! Suffice it to say that the length of the transcript would approach that of "War and Peace"!

Approaching good looking women

The graph above shows that the better looking a woman is, the harder it is to score with her. Occasionally, you hear stories about beautiful women frightening so many men off that they are actually easier to score with, but I'd like the Mythbusters team to investigate that one! Most men will know from bitter experience what happens when they approach someone out of their league!

The problem is that the number of times a woman is hit on in a pub/club (or indeed on the Internet when a picture is supplied) is directly proportional to her looks, that is to say:

F(H) ∝ B

where

H = the frequency with which a woman gets hit on
B = how beautiful she is

So, while a plain Jane or a fat lass might be so delighted with some rare male attention that she laps up your patter (no matter how pathetic!), a good looking woman has heard it ALL before. So, unless you look like Brad Pitt's younger brother, you're going to have to change tack for success with a hottie.

Not that I can give advice on this matter, but I would imagine that an unorthodox approach would be more likely to bear fruit. Possible plans of attack include using humour to pretend that you are hot (when you are obviously not) or pretend that she is not hot (when she obviously is). Then again, going up and saying hello might work just as well (see above!). It's hard to know with that lot!