Female performance in bed

Following on from the previous post, it is also well known among men out on the pull that their better looking conquests have a much greater tendency to lie there like a sack of spuds (potatoes!), while some of their, err, beer influenced decisions have turned out to be little dynamos in the sack. Again, I think this boils down to the good looking girl's perception that just being beautiful is enough. She thinks that she can get a man anytime she wants so she doesn't have to make much of an effort. The plainer girl thinks that to get an encore, she has to produce the goods between the sheets. There's a lesson in here somewhere, guys!

In addition, since a lot of action tends to happen with the lights out, looks may not be much of a factor (except psychologically!) once you step in to the ring (so to speak!). However, it is far easier to imagine that you are there in the dark with Angelina Jolie-Pitt than to imagine that the bag of spuds is not dead!

Having never slept with a man or having enough statistics on same, I am not aware of any correlation between male performance and looks. Should anyone wish to enlighten me on this topic, please leave a post!

It's what is on the inside that counts....

It is well known anecdotally that good looking guys are generally arrogant and self-centred, while beautiful women are largely a vain and conceited group of individuals. You would have to ask yourself why would people who have been blessed from nature in the looks department would want to go and spoil it by having a rotten personality?

Having thought long and hard about this (well, for about 5 minutes!), I think it boils down to nurture. If you grow up constantly been told by people around you that you are ugly, useless, stupid or worthless, then I think it is a pretty safe bet that you will develop some pretty serious self-esteem issues. These issues shape a person's psyche and are very difficult to shake off in later life, even if you have developed into a Nobel Prize winning swan. Similarly, if you grow up constantly being told that you are handsome/beautiful and always having attention from the opposite sex, it is inevitable that deep down you will start believing it and taking it for granted.

Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with self-confidence and a healthy self-image. However, the line between this and arrogance and/or conceit is very fine, and alas, too often crossed. While "ordinary looking" people realise that they need a dazzling personality to make up for the lack of a square jaw or perfect symmetry, good looking people tend to think that being beautiful is enough. At best, they feel that they don't have to make an effort (see next post for a natural extension of this!) or at worse, that they are superior to us normal plebs.

Making an impression

It's an unfortunate fact that the more you fancy the person that you are talking to, the bigger the fool that you are likely to make of yourself. An interesting physiological reaction takes place that may result in one or more of the following:

• Sweaty palms
• Sweaty head (worse, as it is harder to disguise!)
• Blanking of the mind
• Loss of cohesive conversational skills
• Disappearance of your sense of humour
• Appearance of stammering or other body tics
• Loss of bowel control (in extreme cases only)

There is no known cure for this condition. However, it can be controlled with beta blockers, alcohol* or advanced mental techniques. If you pretend that you don't like the person (i.e. reduce the desirability factor), you can correspondingly reduce the idiot factor (see graph above).

The corollary to this rule is experienced when you meet someone you don't fancy in the slightest. You can get on like a house on fire as you are relaxed and can be yourself. However, this can lead to the problem of unwanted attention. It's a jungle out there for the singleton!

*There is a fine balance here. Too much alcohol results in much the same symptoms!

Female satisfaction - member size

Despite male insecurity over the size of his second brain (see previous post), it isn't really an issue for most women. As long as they have something half decent to work with, most women are happy enough. So guys, it would appear that, by and large, your fears are unfounded. After all, it's not what you have, but how you use it that counts!

That is, unless you are hung like a mouse or a mule. In these cases of an extra small or extra large member, the woman is likely to be rather dissatisfied. However, there is a small percentage of women who like extra large ones and no doubt a minuscule percentage that have a fetish for small ones!

Male satisfaction - member size

That's right - unless he has a milk bottle down there, a guy always thinks that he could do with an extra inch or two. The only possible exceptions that I can think of are celibates (makes no difference!) and guys with "porn star" dimensions!

Guys who perceive themselves to be under-endowed can be particularly touchy about their, err, shortcoming. These guys can be easily identified in the locker room. In the first instance, they will do anything to avoid stripping there. If this bullet can't be dodged, they will change as if they were on a beach (i.e. wrap a towel around them) and head to the shower cubicle securely wrapped up. In extreme cases, I have seen guys taking a shower in shorts! Such guys are advised not to watch porn films.

Usually, a guy wouldn't mind being more gifted in the trouser department. However, included in the unhappy 95% is that minuscule percentage with extra long members! This quorum of super-endowed individuals would actually prefer a smaller member. I know, I know, guys - this concept is difficult to understand! However, it's no good frightening off most prospective mates either!

Men are like a gas oven

f=foreplay, s=sex

This graph illustrates the masculine half of the adage about the sexes and ovens! Like a gas oven, the man is ready for action almost instantaneously. Alas, like the butterfly, this beautiful state does not last long (represented by f+s above). Some foreplay is appreciated and enjoyable but not always necessary, as the sex can start toute suite! The total amount of time spent in this most joyous of states can be usually counted in minutes, although with training (tantric sex, anybody?!) and/or medication, this can be greatly extended.

Once the deed is done, the arousal levels plummet and the man will feel a strong urge to go to sleep. However, this state of blissful respite can usually only be reached after the obligatory cuddling phase for what seems like an eternity!

Women are like an electric oven

f=foreplay

This graph illustrates the feminine half of the adage about the sexes and ovens! Women take a long, long, long time to "heat up", so generally extensive foreplay (marked by f above) is required before you can think about getting down to the serious action (unable to display on the graph above due to scale issues!).

This is analogous to an electric oven which takes half the day to warm up. At least with the oven you don't have to twiddle the knobs (so to speak!) for a seemingly indeterminate amount of time!