Mind mapping - male

I know us guys aren't perfect, but at least we're far more straightforward in this respect than our female counterparts. We generally keep things simple by saying what we mean! This is illustrated in the diagram above.

Thus, refreshingly, "yes" means "yes" when asked a question by a woman that involves some sort of sexual activity. And the answer will usually be "yes", as we are only big bags of testosterone after all. Occasionally, if you're strong willed and want to tease or in the lucky situation of being in a short inter-orgasmic period, you might play for time with a "maybe" answer. If the answer is "no", call the doctor because something serious must be wrong with him!

Mind Mapping - Female

Yes, chaps, it's the dreaded "does that no really mean no?" quandary. You've asked your beloved a delicate question, but unfortunately you're none the wiser after her answer. As the chart above shows, her answer could mean just about anything! It is still good manners to ask though, regardless of the confusion that will ensue.

If she said "no" to, say, your polite request of nookie, does this mean "not even when hell freezes over" or "not now, but ask me again in 5 minutes and we'll see"? If she replied "maybe", does this mean she's buying time to safeguard her virtue and with a little more spadework you'll be in there? Or, is it to let you down easier in the not too distance future? Even "yes" answers aren't safe, especially if you've been silly enough to ask a negative question. Sometimes, there's a statute of limitations on "yes" answers you make the mistake of thinking that one little "yes" is a carte blanche thereafter. So guys, best not to assume anything! I think the great man himself, Meatloaf, warbled it best in his song Where the rubber meets the road - "Yes means no means yes means no".

This uncertainty is one of the main reasons men use persistence when chasing women. Every man has had a woman flip on him at some stage, with a "no" magically transforming in to a "yes" and many pleasurable shenanigans ensuing. This is why when a guy comes up against a real "no", the women is often perplexed by his continued dedication to the case. Well, you only have yourselves to blame, I'm afraid!

The probability of finding available women

The ladies have had their Reilly equation*. Now it's the guys' turn! The above graphic shows the Reilly equation for calculating the number of women that are available to you, the single (or cheating!) man. It takes important factors such as the population density of where you live, your personal characteristics and your stamina for playing the field into consideration.

Typical approximate values for the terms in the equation are:

R*=3,350,000,000 - half the world's population.
fa=0.0000149 - assuming you live in a city of 100,000 people, half of whom are female.
fo=0.20 - discount the too young, the too old, the happily married etc.
M= 0.6 - normalised to between 0.1 (no pot to piss in) and 1.0 (millionaire and above). 0.6 equates to doing all right for yourself.
C= 0.5 - normalised to between 0.1 (shrinking violet) and 0.9 (you da man). 0.5 equates to a happy medium between shy and cocky.
A=0.5 - normalised to between 0.1 (Quasimodo) and 0.9 (Adonis). 0.5 equates to not frightening anyone with your visage.
P=0.5 - normalised to between 0.1 (accountant) and 0.8 (life and soul of the party). 0.5 equates to a person who doesn't train spot as a hobby.
L=0.4 - normalised to between 0.0 (agoraphobic) and 0.8 (party animal). 0.4 equates to a person who socialises normally.

Solving for N, the number of available women to this average Joe, gives about 300. An even worse return than for the ladies from a large enough city. However, you too can improve your odds. Try moving to Tokyo or Mexico City, reading a joke book, having plastic surgery, selling your TV and/or robbing a bank!


**As before, based on the Drake equation used to estimate the number of detectable extraterrestrial civilizations in our Milky Way galaxy!

The probability of finding available men

The above graphic shows the Reilly equation** for calculating the number of men that are available to you, the single (or cheating!) woman. It takes important factors such as the population density of where you live, your personal characteristics and your stamina for playing the field into consideration.

Typical approximate values for the terms in the equation are:

R*=3,350,000,000 - half the world's population.
fa=0.0000149 - assuming you live in a city of 100,000 people, half of whom are male.
fo=0.40 - discount the too young, the too old, the odd faithful man etc.
fb= 1 - normalised to between 0.0 (all dead) and 1.0 (all alive).
S= 0.6 - normalised to between 0.1 (fried eggs) and 0.9 (Lolo Ferrari). 0.6 equates to what our American brethren call a nice rack.
B=0.5 - normalised to between 0.2 (Ginger Rogers) and 0.8 (Marilyn Monroe).
H=0.5 - normalised to between 0.1 (babe, the pig) and 0.8 (hot babe). 0.5 equates to an attractive gal.
D=0.6 - normalised to between 0.2 (nun) and 0.9 (slut). 0.6 equates to a person tasteful, but alluring.
L=0.4 - normalised to between 0.0 (agoraphobic) and 0.8 (party animal). 0.4 equates to a person who socialises normally.

Solving for N, the number of available men to this average Jane, gives about 720. Not a great return from a largish city. Time to improve your man pool by moving to Tokyo or Mexico City, having plastic surgery, dyeing your hair, selling the TV and/or showing more cleavage!

Note: Negligible factors for men when they are out on the prowl, such as personality, are excluded from the equation.

**Based on the Drake equation used to estimate the number of detectable extraterrestrial civilizations in our Milky Way galaxy!

Ready, steady, wait

Of all the things that annoy men about women, getting ready for a night out must be up there just behind sudden headaches! And God help you, brother, if it's a swanky do that you are going to! And God help you even more if you're a stickler for punctuality! It doesn't seem to matter what time they start preparations at, because they never are ready on time. This means that you will be invariably be late for whatever you're going to. In addition, she'll probably hijack the rear view mirror for further adjustments en route.

The graph above shows the preparation times for an engagement with a 9pm kick off. The woman will start taking over the bathroom at about 6pm, bathing, preening and applying various lotions and creams. Then her entire wardrobe will have to be searched for the perfect combination of clothes and accessories. You are obliged to say that she looks wonderful in everything and avoid suggesting one particular outfit for fear that it implies another doesn't look good on her (or worse, implies that her arse look big in it)!

While the first few hours of this is going on you are watching TV while dispensing the aforementioned affirmations and under constant nagging to get ready yourself. Eventually, about 8.15, you get your ass in gear and after a quick shower, shave, tussle of the hair and 30 second rummage in the wardrobe, you're ready to go in about 15-30 minutes. This time maybe shortened if you had shaved/showered earlier in the day or lengthened if you have a "you're not wearing THAT, are you?" comment from herself!

What guys think they are good at

There are certain things that guys think that they do well. The most important of these things are displayed in the chart above. There is some correlation with the things men like to control, but this is to be expected. After all, why would you want to take the reins at some endeavour if you thought you were no good at it?

A lot of blokes think they can fix anything around the house, be it electrical, mechanical, electronic or structural. Usually they end up making things much worse and when an expert is finally called in, he has to be paid to undo their 'fixes' also! Give a guy a large fork and a barbecue and suddenly he thinks he's Gordon Ramsey, even if he usually turns out to be an ambassador for botulism!

I have never met a guy who thinks he can't play poker well. Even if he is complete pants and is easier to read than the alphabet, it's always Lady Luck's fault when he fails at the table! Consequently, we all think we could make a living as a professional poker player. Mind you, travelling the world playing cards, winning huge wads of cash, sleeping in late and impressing the ladies with our sharp play - what's not to like? Hell, I might give it a shot myself!

As alluded to in a previous post, men always think they can find their way anywhere. All they need is their trusty map and they can find anywhere. Even if the map is years out of date and/or partially missing. Like when fixing stuff, instead of seeking help early, they use their "special abilities" and usually end up getting even more hopelessly lost! Behind the wheel of a car, every guy is Michael Schumacher, without the chin and the cash! When we look at a Formula 1 race, we think that we could do that, if we were as poxy as those guys who got the chance! Every man thinks he drives smoothly, gracefully and safely, no matter how maniacal he may be in the cockpit!

However, of all the things that men think they do well, pleasing the ladies must be number one! Between the sheets, we're all Casanovas who can induce ecstasy in our partner at will. We know what buttons to press and when. We are a potent combination of porn star and Dr. Kinsey! The reality is somewhat different, as you ladies will attest. Mind you, you're only helping to perpetuate this particular myth every time you do a "Sally"!!!!

Is your girlfriend a lesbian?

Have you ever noticed your girlfriend checking out another chick? Cool, eh? Well, maybe not if she exhibits too many of the characteristics listed in the diagram above. As in the previous companion post, it's time to start getting worried/excited if there are multiple bells ringing for you now! You may dream of that kinky threesome, but even if that unlikely scenario came to pass, you can expect to be frozen out of the equation. If the two women had any tendencies in that direction, who do you think they would focus on - you or the other woman?

The dynamic between straight men and gay women is very different from that between straight women and gay men. Men do not hang out with butch lesbians for a start. They would be afraid that they'd be challenged to an arm wrestle....and lose. Besides, there's ultimately nothing in it for the man as she is not "butter side up"*! In addition, a lot of butch lesbians hate men, which to be honest, doesn't bother us guys a whole lot!

Another difference is that while a lot of women think that what gay guys get up to is, err, not pleasant, the concept of lesbianism is very exciting for most guys! Hence male porn is full of hot chicks getting it on together (I hear!), while female porn (if there is such a thing) probably has guys in aprons doing the housework while listening intently to your problems!


* a euphemism for straight, from the cult comedy Red Dwarf!