The 7 Stages of Searching for Mr/Ms Right

Finding that special someone is harder for some people than others. The chart above shows the seven stages of searching for a life partner. While there are people who get married at 16 and others who tie the knot at 99, most people fall into a general pattern. For simplicity, I assume the search starts at 18 and continues until you find someone or you keel over! The seven stages are:

1. Nonchalance: This stage lasts from the age of 18 to the age of about 25. You're young and carefree and just want to have a good time with your friends. The last thing on your mind is settling down; the world is your oyster after all!
2. Optimism: At or about the age of 25, most people begin to keep an eye out for a potential partner. While the partying may not stop, the motives for going out gradually changes. You're young and vibrant - it can only be a matter of time before you meet someone, can't it?
3. Concern: As your single friends start to drop off like flies and you're still searching, the worrying starts. It starts as a slight nagging doubt, but as you approach 28-30 (women) or 30-33 (men), let the panic begin. Many of your friends' partners have tried setting you up, but there's still plenty of time and opportunity, right?
4. Desperation: If you're still single by 33-35 (women) or 35-38 (men), you're hit by a double whammy. Not alone are there fewer single people your age to choose from, you find it harder to meet the remaining ones. This leads to desperation creeping in as your biological clock starts ticking in earnest. Your supply of willing wingmen has dwindled to practically nothing, so unless you hit the Internet, it's harder to meet someone*.The pressure to find someone (almost anyone, as some of your family might think!) is intense as the spectre of enforced bachelorhood/spinsterhood looms large! This turns into a vicious cycle as the more desperate you become, the less appealing you are, which increases your desperation......
5. Resignation: As your milestone 40th birthday approaches and you're still on the lookout, you begin to resign yourself to the fact that eternal happiness is about to pass you by! You may even rationalise that you are happy focusing on your career or that you were destined for a higher purpose, neither of which keep you warm at night! However, the sad truth is that it's looking very likely that you're one of the unlucky few destined never to meet that special someone.
6. Acceptance: Shortly after the above stage, it's time to accept your cruel fate. It appears you are destined to roam the earth alone. If you're a woman, it's time to buy that cat if you haven't already done so!
7. Apathy: You've reached your early to mid 40s and realised that this true love malarkey was a pile of pants. You don't even bother to look any more, seldom going out as you're now the oldest swinger in town. You've even abandoned the minefield of Internet dating, even if it did allow you to meet ostensibly suitable people from the comfort of your own home. If it was true what they say about it happening when you least expect it, then no one would be single after the age of about 45!

Obviously, once you start looking, the earlier you find someone in the process the better. However, judging by the amount of married friends that seem to envy your freedom, losing out on true love might not be so bad after all!


*Men have it slightly easier as it's more socially acceptable to go for a younger woman. However, the rise of the cougar has redressed this inequality somewhat!

Text Maniacs

A couple of recent (and not altogether pleasant!) encounters with members of the opposite sex inspired the above graph, which shows the relationship between the number of text messages a person sends and how crazy s/he is!

At one end of the scale, you have the person who steadfastly refuses to send any texts at all, which is somewhat irrational in itself. However, it pales in comparison with the other extreme, where the incessant texter lurks. This behaviour is marked by the following characteristics:

• A non-stop stream of texts, many of an inane and/or incomprehensible nature.
• If a reply to any of their short electronic missives is not sent within 2 minutes, a torrent of texts is unleashed along the lines of "r u ok?" or "wats wrong, hun?". Note to psycho texters: NOTHING IS WRONG - LEAVE ME ALONE FOR GOD'S SAKE, I'M TRYING TO RELAX/WATCH TV/HAVE A LIFE!!!
• Once you realise you're corresponding with a nutbar and try to withdraw, cue the "psycho cycle of texts". Even after making it clear that you want no further contact, this cycle starts with old chestnuts like "r u ok?" or "how r u?", moves on to the abusive, e.g. "F@@k u, u b@@tard/B@tch" and followed by the begging/pathetic, e.g. "wat av I done?", "can we meet plz?" or perhaps some unintelligible gobbledygook. After a respite of say, 15 minutes (or an hour or two, if you're lucky!), your unhinged text buddy simply restarts the cycle, somehow expecting you to have forgotten the mental behaviour already exhibited (multiple times!).
  

The moral of the story? Be very careful to whom you give your mobile phone number! Note that even a joke condition like "Promise not to text me more than 200 times a day?" does not work! The best way to deal with this unsettling situation is to ignore the texts in the hope that the message finally sinks in. Do NOT engage the deluded at any cost as this only gives them licence to continue the harassment. In the likely event of ignoring them failing, getting their number blocked or reporting them to the police are unfortunately your only options.

To prevent this situation from arising, it would be a very good idea to buy a disposable mobile phone (or SIM card) and use it to communicate with new amours. This is particularly good advice for those using Internet dating, where spotting psychos in time is much more difficult. That way, in the worst case scenario, you can simply dump the phone and not inconvenience yourself or the more normal people you’re in contact with!

SAD (Singleton's Affective Disorder)

The above diagram is a simplified representation of the average singleton's year*. Personal calamities aside, those bereft of love can trundle along on a fairly even keel for most of the year. However, there are two periods when even the most ardent of loners feel a pang of self pity.

The first of these unfortunate annual periods is centred around midnight on New Year's Eve. This really gets the new year off to a crappy start for those with no one to pucker up to in the first few minutes of it. In fact, the slump starts for most people in the run up to Christmas when there is no one special to celebrate the festive season with.

You've hardly got over that thorny period when you're plunged back into singles depression a few short weeks later. The largely manufactured Valentine's Day, corny and over hyped as it may be, still has many singletons forlornly watching the letter box, desperately hoping that someone somewhere actually fancies them. The crushing disappointment from a lack of cards, flowers, romantic candlelit dinners etc. can really grate until you become sufficiently cynical sometime in your thirties.

The good news is that from February 15th on, it's a mercifully relatively clear run for ten months until the SAD kicks in again the following December!


*In the Western world. Many around the world follow the Chinese New Year and/or do not celebrate Christmas.

Only he who dares, wins

As stated in a much earlier post, a man needs to be brave, to be proactive in his dating career. Well, assuming he wants a successful one, that is! For all their talk about equality, the majority of women still prefer a decisive man who takes the lead in such matters. After all, what woman really wants a wuss? So, to be a hit with the ladies, a guy really has to make a lot of early running.

However, as the graph above shows, in general the opposite is true for women who make "obvious" moves on men. While I would personally love it (if it ever bloody well happened to me!), many men feel emasculated when confronted with this gift horse and proceed to eyeball it in the oral cavity! This is akin to earning more than him, driving him around or being smarter or taller than him. These are all roles that men are conditioned from childhood to believe that they must fulfil in a relationship. Therefore, making an obvious move can backfire for a woman if the target is even the slightest bit insecure.

Usually, women get around this dilemma by using hints of varying degrees of subtlety to get the man to think that he in fact is making the decisive move!

Internet dating - avoiding a pig in a poke

As mentioned in the original post on Internet dating, chatting away to a potential date on the web can result in extreme disappointment. After prolonged bouts of exciting flirting, hours of playful banter and many deep and meaningful conversations, the real life meeting eventually occurs. This can burst the romantic bubble as you didn't get what you were expecting, s/he wasn't as advertised or the real life sparks simply didn't fly.

As the graph above shows, the probability of disappointment is dependent on how familiar you were with how the person really looks before you met. This is particular true for men, the more visual of the species. If you have relied solely on the tapping of the keyboard for the virtual romance, the first real date is Russian Roulette, my friend! Marginally better is the old picture, which may have been taken many dinners ago.

Even a recent picture can be misleading, especially in the age of photo editing. Therefore, if possible you're best advised to see your cyber-date on web cam before committing to a real life romantic encounter. If you manage to see the object of your virtual affection in his/her birthday suit on cam and you're still disappointed on meeting, you've only yourself to blame!

Films (movies) men and women like

The kind of films liked by men are markedly different to those liked by women. As the picture above illustrates, guys tend to like Arnold Schwarzenegger type movies with blood and guts, explosions, guns, gadgets and the like. On the other hand, women tend towards romance flicks and Jane Austen type costume dramas (whatever they are about!).

This leads to all sorts of problems when going to the cinema on a date or deciding on a DVD to watch. He wants the action blockbuster, while she wants the flowery love story. Many a man has had to sit through an agonising 2 hours of pure pap just to further his chances with his damsel!

Internet dating - enthuasism

OK, you're disillusioned with (or too busy for) traditional dating, so what do you do? Nowadays, you hit the Internet. Once you get over the fact that you're not a saddo for using it, you take to it with gusto. All these potential partners available from the comfort of your own home is amazing in the beginning. After a few weeks, you're flying and arranging dates left, right and centre.

However, it doesn't take long to realise that Internet dating is even worse than traditional pub/club dating. You never thought there could be so many perverts/married people/psychopaths/pathological liars concentrated in the one place. At least in the pub, they are in the minority! Then there's the complete lack of chemistry with the decent folk you meet online.

Therefore, you tend to get sick of Internet dating relatively quickly. It usually takes the order of several months as opposed to years for traditional dating.