Films (movies) men and women like

The kind of films liked by men are markedly different to those liked by women. As the picture above illustrates, guys tend to like Arnold Schwarzenegger type movies with blood and guts, explosions, guns, gadgets and the like. On the other hand, women tend towards romance flicks and Jane Austen type costume dramas (whatever they are about!).

This leads to all sorts of problems when going to the cinema on a date or deciding on a DVD to watch. He wants the action blockbuster, while she wants the flowery love story. Many a man has had to sit through an agonising 2 hours of pure pap just to further his chances with his damsel!

Favourite places - women

Unsurprisingly, on the whole, women tend to like different places to men. The graph above shows the places where women like to hang out. The constituent factors associated with these locations are also displayed. A lot of gals splash out on expensive gym membership to get that bod into shape, sometimes with a buddy for motivational reasons. In a lot of cases, any old gym won't do - it has to be exclusive in some way, either in terms of clientele or gender (or both). After all, have be seen in the right place as well as get buns of steel!

The beach is also favoured by ladies, although for slightly different reasons. Where else can she so effectively show off that toned physique while getting it bronzed? She can grab a couple of loungers with friends and spend the day pretending to be upset at all the male ogling, in between frolicking in the ocean and playing beach volleyball in her g-string!

Next favourite place is the beauty salon, where she can be peeled, wrapped, exfoliated, manicured, pedicured, colonically irrigated and waxed to an inch of her life (and they are only the ones I've heard about!). Following that is the specialist centre for the coiff - the hairdressers. Some women go on a weekly basis, despite the fact that they are hideously overcharged for the privilege. Still, anything to look good, eh?

Of course, the winner had to be the shops - where most women would spent their all their waking hours if possible. Ideally visited with a friend (so that they can assure each other that they look absolutely fabulous in everything), these money pits act like the flame to a moth. Where else is she going to find that killer outfit to go with her new lipstick or add to her collection of 300 pairs of shoes?!

And guys, don't think that all this preening is for your benefit, because it isn't. It's for the ultra-competitive world of bitchy females!

Favourite places - men

This chart shows some of a man's favourite places and the components that make it so enjoyable for him. It does differ from the woman's list somewhat! First up is the restaurant where a man can eat his his favourite meal ('other' on chart above) while ogling at the waitresses. Best enjoyed with a couple of mates and washed down with beer. Next up is the sports arena where he can support his favourite team ('other' on chart above). Not many chicks to ogle at, but he can usually drink beer with his mates either before or during the game. Americans have an advantage here because they have cheerleaders!

The first of the big 3 is the trusty bar, where a man can hang out with his mates, drink beer and ogle at chicks. You can even watch sports on the big TVs ('other' on chart above). Does it get any better than this? Yes it does, because you have the strip club where he can do all of the above (except watch sports on TV), but the women are (almost) naked!

Besting even the strip club is the humble beach. Much the same as above, but the beer is much cheaper, there's no cover charge and a man can get a tan! You can even go for a swim or play games ('other' in chart above) between ogle sessions. Downsides are melanomas and the chicks aren't as slutty, although this does depend on the beach!

Mind mapping - male

I know us guys aren't perfect, but at least we're far more straightforward in this respect than our female counterparts. We generally keep things simple by saying what we mean! This is illustrated in the diagram above.

Thus, refreshingly, "yes" means "yes" when asked a question by a woman that involves some sort of sexual activity. And the answer will usually be "yes", as we are only big bags of testosterone after all. Occasionally, if you're strong willed and want to tease or in the lucky situation of being in a short inter-orgasmic period, you might play for time with a "maybe" answer. If the answer is "no", call the doctor because something serious must be wrong with him!

Mind Mapping - Female

Yes, chaps, it's the dreaded "does that no really mean no?" quandary. You've asked your beloved a delicate question, but unfortunately you're none the wiser after her answer. As the chart above shows, her answer could mean just about anything! It is still good manners to ask though, regardless of the confusion that will ensue.

If she said "no" to, say, your polite request of nookie, does this mean "not even when hell freezes over" or "not now, but ask me again in 5 minutes and we'll see"? If she replied "maybe", does this mean she's buying time to safeguard her virtue and with a little more spadework you'll be in there? Or, is it to let you down easier in the not too distance future? Even "yes" answers aren't safe, especially if you've been silly enough to ask a negative question. Sometimes, there's a statute of limitations on "yes" answers you make the mistake of thinking that one little "yes" is a carte blanche thereafter. So guys, best not to assume anything! I think the great man himself, Meatloaf, warbled it best in his song Where the rubber meets the road - "Yes means no means yes means no".

This uncertainty is one of the main reasons men use persistence when chasing women. Every man has had a woman flip on him at some stage, with a "no" magically transforming in to a "yes" and many pleasurable shenanigans ensuing. This is why when a guy comes up against a real "no", the women is often perplexed by his continued dedication to the case. Well, you only have yourselves to blame, I'm afraid!

Telephone usage

Another difference between the sexes is in telephone usage. As shown in the chart above, telephone calls among men friends tend to be a lot shorter than those between women. A guy will ring up his mate and have a conversation like:

Guy A: Hey Scooter, how's it going?
Guy B: Not bad, Fat Lad. What's up?
Guy A: A few of the lads are heading out to the local later. You interested?
Guy B: Sure. What time?
Guy A: About 9pm. See you then, Dipstick.
Guy B: OK, Knucklehead. Bye.

That's pretty representative of a telephone conversation between males - short and to the point. Phones are a tool for passing short messages, nothing more. Women, on the other hand see the phone as a Godsend. If they don't have anyone to communicate with physically, they can call up a friend and discuss at length the minutiae of everything! This can happen even if they have just been with that individual. I don't have the time or energy to describe a typical telephone conversation between women! Suffice it to say that the length of the transcript would approach that of "War and Peace"!

Bathroom contents

The chart above shows how many items the average person in each category has in his or her bathroom. Your average bloke has the bare essentials and that's about it. This will include soap, toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, shaving foam, deodorant, comb, aftershave, shampoo and possibly dental floss, hair gel and the like.

The metrosexual will add items like tweezers, moisturisers and grooming products to the bathroom mix. Gay men tend to look after themselves even better than metrosexuals, so I postulate that there is a plethora of additional products in their bathrooms!

All men, however, pale in comparison to women when it comes to stocking up the bathroom. They have a veritable alchemist's wonderland of potions, powders, creams and sprays for practically every part of the anatomy in there! In addition, there are various brushes, cloths, pumice stones, loofahs, cotton pads/buds, emery boards and other mechanical (and electrical if you're in the US) devices to shape/manage various body parts. It's a wonder they fit everything in there!

Bottomless pits - women's handbags

A major advantage for women is the amount of stuff that they can cart around with them. We don't mind so much as we have the advantage of not having to give birth! As the chart above shows, men carry about 6 items with them but women must have at least 100! While men are limited to what they can stuff into their pockets, women seem to have everything bar the kitchen sink packed into their handbags! The average man would have the following on him:

• Keys
• Wallet
• Phone
• Comb
• Snot rag
• Miscellaneous item - e.g. chewing gum, glasses etc.
  

All these items would usually be stuffed down the trouser pockets. If Mae West was alive today, she would probably say "Is that a mobile phone in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"! At night or during colder weather, a man can wear a jacket which at least doubles his load capacity. Women, on the other hand, carry the following in their handbags:

• Keys
• Purse
• Phone(s)
• Hair brush(es)
  
• Make up kit - lipstick, moisturiser, foundation, mascara, eye shadow etc
• Mirror
• Tissues
• Emergency preening kit - lip gloss, nail clippers, emery board, hair dye sachet, body/hand lotion etc.
• Spare tights (pantyhose)
  
• Emergency medical kit - flu remedy, headache tablets, diuretics, laxatives, lip balm, cold sore medication etc.
• Spare "woman stuff"
• Breath freshener - chewing gum, mints, mouthwash or breath spray
• Cigarettes, if applicable
• Snack
• Bottled water (or something stronger, if applicable!)
• Correspondence - letters, bills etc.
• Stationary
• Numerous pens/pencils
• Address book
• Cheque book
• Reading glasses/sunglasses
• Perfume
• Various certificates - driving licence, medical cards, identity cards etc.
• MP3 player
  

This is obviously not an exhaustive list, but it is indicative of the contents of the average woman's handbag! With a load like that to lug around, you'd think going to the gym wouldn't be necessary!

Control freak - female

So, we've seen what the men like to control, but what about the ladies? Well, the chart above shows the main items that they like dominion over. I've discussed each of these in previous posts, but this one brings them all together nicely.

Women own the vast majority of the shoes in any household, so shoe care products will obviously be their jurisdiction! They also like to control the inclination of the toilet seat for some reason, with the down position being very, very important to them. What woman doesn't like giving the family credit card a good bashing? Since she does most of the shopping, the little plastic wonder card will usually be under her control.

Being a talkative bunch by nature, women enjoy controlling the interrogations, sorry, conversations with their partners. Questions will be posed, information will be elicited and meaningful dialogue expected. Given the fact that they preen so much, females also tend to hog the mirrors/bathrooms in any house. God help you if you have a lot of girls - you better have a strong bladder!

The number one thing that a woman likes to exert influence over is her poor, long suffering partner! Most women will boss their man around, given half a chance. Funnily enough, I have found that the bossier they are, the more they hate being called "Boss"! Once she has shaped you physically, the mental molding will begin in earnest. Be strong, my friend. This must be nipped in the bud at all costs to preserve your self-respect and her respect for you.

Control freak - male

In order to express his manliness in the modern world, there are certain things that the male of the species feels he must take charge of. As shown in the chart above, these tasks include base male tasks such as the provision of food (barbecue), shelter (DIY) and transport (car). While men like to take over all the items in the chart above, they are ranked roughly in frequency of use*.

What man would let his woman control the barbie when his friends are over? About the same number who don't reckon they could put up those shelves or put on that extension as well as any builder! Any digital cameras, PCs, audio systems, mobile phones, DVD players etc. around the house? You can be almost guaranteed that it's the guy who tinkers with them with the most. After all, unlike women, men never stop playing with toys; they just get more expensive as he grows older!

Almost every modern man in a long term relationship uses his garage (US) or garden shed as a last bastion of masculinity in an increasingly feminine world. In this refuge from the pressures of everyday life, the man can happily potter about, drink beer (or smoke) on the QT, work on his current DIY project or dream of days gone by!

No man wants to feel emasculated by having his woman drive him around. Hell, he probably doesn't like her driving the car even when he's not in it. After all, it's probably the most expensive gadget they own! Of paramount importance to a man however, is "TV remote control control"! Unless he wants to be consigned to a life of soap operas and interior design shows, he must assert himself by establishing control of the remote early on in the relationship! Should he lose this pivotal battle, it's probably only a matter of time before he's peeing sitting down!


*Except for the barbie mad Australians, of course!

The toilet seat

Now, if there is one thing I just can't understand about women, it is why so many of them get the hump when the man leaves the toilet seat up! If a man goes into a toilet and the seat is down, he won't fly into an incandescent rage. Instead, he'll just put the seat up without a second thought and go about his business (or, alternatively, he won't bother lifting up before, err, opening fire!).

Most women, though, tend to lose the canopy over the heinous crime of the vertical toilet seat! As the chart above shows, I reckon it bothers about 4 out of every 5 women. In contrast, I've yet to meet a guy who is bothered by the initial status of the lavatory seat!

A friend of mine has discussed with me the feasibility of designing a toilet lid that automatically lowered itself either after a set period of time or after it detected that the person had left (via motion sensors). Yes, it was in the pub and I fear the Japanese have beaten him to it, but that's the sort of considerate bloke that he is!

I, on the other hand, love to leave the seat up in as many bathrooms as I can find when visiting a house with all female occupants. Even if I don't want to pee-pee! I find it most amusing (cue evil laugh!)!!

Women, men and shoes

Another fundamental difference between the sexes is the number of shoes owned by each. While the average man owns relatively few pairs, infinity was invented to represent concepts as vast as the number of shoes owned by a typical woman. OK, that might be a slight exaggeration, but as the chart above shoes, they own a hell of a lot more than us guys do!

The average bloke might have a pair of black shoes, a pair of brown ones, a pair of dressy shoes, sneakers and possibly a pair of sandals. Women, on the other hand, have that many pairs for just going to the toilet! For women, shoes can be broadly classified using the following taxonomy:

• Calceatus planus: flat shoe
• Calceatus stilettocus: high heeled shoe
• Calceatus platformicus: platform shoes
• Calceatus wedgicus: wedged heeled shoe
• Calceatus stylus: pencil heeled shoe
• Calceatus pumpicus: pumps
• Calceatus slingbackicus: slingback shoes
  
• Booticus celsius maximus: high boots
• Booticus celsius mediocris: medium boots
• Booticus celsius minimus: ankle boots
• Booticus equinus: riding boots
• Booticus veni-meum-sexum: CFM boots
• Booticus wellius designerium: designer wellies
  
• Calceatus woodicus: clogs
• Sandalium: sandals
• Calceatus slippericus: slippers
• Calceatus flipflopius: flip-flops
• Calceatus sliponicus: slip-ons
• Calceatus mulus: mule shoes
  
• Calceatus judicius: court shoes
• Calceatus athleticus: sneakers
• Calceatus laboris: work shoes
  
• Calceatus occasionius specialis: dress shoes
• Calceatus entertainium: going out shoes
• Calceatus littoris: beach shoes
• Calceatus pocahontas: moccasins
• Calceatus loaferius: loafers
• Calceatus sluticus: extremely high heeled shoes, worn mainly by porn stars
• Calceatus comfortus: comfortable shoes, worn mainly by lesbians
  

I realise that this list is nowhere near exhaustive, but it should serve as a useful starting point for future developers of the system. I would explain the existing classifications better, if only I knew what some of them were and what the hell the differences were between them! Unfortunately, only women are privy to this information, who have at least 20% of their brains devoted to shoes. Within each classification, characteristics such as colour, fitting, mood, weather and function play an important part. Finally, women usually like to have at least 3 footwear options for every possible scenario.

Suddenly, Imelda Marcos doesn't seem so extravagant after all!

Oink, miaow!

Following on in some degree from what women think about, this rather contrived diagram shows the animals each gender most resembles. In the case of women, it is the vain cat, which also spends a large percentage of its time preening itself. Obviously, women are not as lazy or useless as domestic cats, but they certainly can match them for cunningness and for their manipulation skills!

Men, on the other hand, are commonly referred to as pigs. Whether it be for some cruel remark to your sister when you're young or for some inexcusable behaviour with a lady when you're older, the porcine reference can get trotted (get it?!) out quite a lot. Throw in the fact that a lot of us blokes can live in an unholy mess, not clearing away dishes and/or rubbish for weeks at a time and it is somewhat difficult to claim that this comparison is unfair. Unless, that is, you are arguing for the pig!

I wonder if it's a co-incidence that the most popular slang word for a woman's nether region is feline related while several porcine related slang words exist for the male appendage?!

What men think about

This is somewhat easier for me to speculate on, me being one of the brethren and all! In contrast to women, men think about sex an awful lot. They say men think about it every 6 seconds or so. This may be an exaggeration as I've often gone a whole 10 seconds without an impure thought! Somewhat more seriously, sex, though, I don't think it's as, sex, often as that, but, what's definitely true is, sex, men think about it a hell of, sex, a lot more than women!! As mentioned previously, men have a strong compulsion to mate and a lot of their behaviour can be understood from that perspective.

Another thing that men think about a lot and women can't seem to grasp is 'nothing in particular'. Yes, that's right - we can happily sit watching the TV with the thought process disengaged for hours on end. Well, we could if we didn't keep getting the "what are you thinking now, dear?" type questions! If we answer honestly (i.e. nothing), paranoid suspicions are immediately aroused in the woman as this is an alien concept to her. You are probably best advised to make up a little white lie. I recommend something along the lines of "I was just thinking of where I could bring you to celebrate our anniversary, darling"!!!

Men, by and large, are happy to go with the flow and see what life throws at them. Most are not really into planning for the future, until they get a partner that is! What is of more immediate concern is when can they slip out with the lads to the pub again. Much thought can go into elaborate excuses to make this happen and how to disguise it afterwards!!!

What women think about

Now, far be it for me to speculate on what the hell women are thinking about! I can only make a rough stab at it from my observations down through the years. I'm probably completely wrong, but this is how it appears from this end!

First and foremost, women always seem to be making plans for the future. Now that would be perfectly fine, if only you (the man) were not a part of it. But once you start going out with a woman, the "where do you see this relationship going?" type questions start surfacing like a u-boat, ready to torpedo your cosy arrangement of sex on demand!! You wonder why, like us, they can't just cool the jets and go with the flow. Instead, the mortgage plans are hatched, your children's names are chosen and their future schools and professions are decided before you can say "I thought we were only having a bit of fun"! It's probably due to the tick-tock of her biological clock, which increases in volume as she goes through her 20s and 30s.

The next biggest things that seem to occupy the female mind are the interrelated fields of herself and shopping. Women seem to spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about what colour lipstick makes their lips like Angelina, what foundation is best for her complexion, what colours and styles are in this season, what makes her arse look small, what kind of stripes and colours make her tummy look small and her boobs look big, what shoes go with what outfit, what hairstyle makes her face look thin, what hair colour suits her and so on.

As noted in an early post, she also dedicates some grey cells to 'androforming' - the shaping of her man to her specifications. If she doesn't have a man, she can plan what she can do when she eventually snares one!
I don't think a woman thinks about sex all that often during the course of an average day. These types of thoughts generally occur at appropriate times, like at bed time or after a romantic date. This contrasts significantly with how men think about it!

Sexual lifespan - female

Women are more complicated (now, there's a surprise!). They are reputed to peak sexually in their mid 30s, when they (unlike men at their peak) should at least know what they are doing. Women should also be able the advantage of this peak, without having to resort to defiling 18 year old boys! The chances are that, at this age, the woman will have a lucky spouse/partner to help her through this difficult time. And who said men were selfish! The poor guy may even have to seek some pharmaceutical assistance in order to keep up with his women!

After the peak, the inevitable decline is in two stages. This is shown in the graph above with M marking the transition point. Stage 1 is a gradual decline until the menopause, which usually happens when a woman is in her 50s. After the 'change of life', the woman's sex drive will naturally suffer, now that her biological imperative has been removed by Mother Nature.

It's not all bad news though. Just like guys, there are magic pills available. Viagra has been known to work for women also and there are female alternatives. HRT can also improve matters apparently, but it is debatable whether it directly improves libido. The things that I have learned during the course of this blog!

Sexual lifespan - male

Men are reputed to reach their sexual peak at 18. What a waste this is for most men! Your period of maximum sexual potency is marked by the least action and the least control. You're lucky if you can find your ass with both hands at that age, never mind someone else's!! After 18, as the graph above shows, it's a long (hopefully) steady decline into eventual impotency. When you're at your peak, you're like an unstable nuclear bomb - ready to explode at any instant. As you get older, you're more of a nuclear reactor - you learn to control things better, at the expense of some yield!

Viagra, however, has turned the nuclear reactor into Chernobyl! It can return relatively young guys to the good old days and keep them there until even the most voracious nymphomaniac is satisfied. Where once it was time for the older men to start thinking about hanging up the stirrups at about 60, guys can stay in the saddle now into their 80s with that magic blue pill! Octogenarians have no reason to fret any more. Now you can be a dirty old man for much longer. Hooray!! Or, alternatively, you too can live in pyjamas and be surrounded by adoring blonde bimbos. Just don't forget the getting rich part too or you might find it a little tough to live that dream!

Am I the first person to use nuclear physics metaphors to describe this? Who said that physics degree was a waste of time?!!

You're some langer!

Another difference between men and women (and indicator of the differing levels of maturity) is the amount of names used to describe the nether regions. As the chart above shows, women don't really seem to use them (unless girl talk is full of it!), and if they do, they tend to stick to the one term for each area!

Men, on the other hand, must have hundreds of names for the male appendage alone. Off the top of my head, I can easily think of 20 for the "male brain" which is about average for a guy (how many can you come up with?)! Every culture and language comes up with their own slang for sexual body parts, with any phallic shaped object being an obvious choice for a man's pride and joy. Interested readers can check out a fairly comprehensive list here (Check out the /more page for lots of English slang words!). Ditto for women's fiddly bits (upstairs and downstairs). You can't say that I don't do my research!!

Most of these terms can be liberally applied to your buddies during 'friendly' banter, shouted at the TV/radio/football field as terms of 'endearment' or used with a stranger to start a fight!

Flashing the flesh

A few interesting facts arise from visual vs verbal gender dichotomy. It probably explains why in order to get the opposite sex's pulse racing, men have to sweet talk or whisper sweet nothings, while women just have to flash a bit of flesh!

Women are well aware of this and, as the graph above shows, know that the fewer clothes they wear, the more attention they get from men. There is a type of woman that shows far less flesh than even a nun. However, I left them off the graph as I didn't want to live like Salman Rushdie (although his wife is very attractive!). There is also a type of woman that shows more flesh than a stripper. Naturists are not sexually motivated however and they are generally heavier than strippers!! In addition, the promise or hint of something is often more attractive than having it flop about in front of you. I discovered this on holidays once when, worryingly, topless female Swedish sunbathers lost their allure surprisingly quickly!

It is really disingenuous when women complain about men leering at them when they go out in a greyhound skirt and/or their boobs hanging out. Well ladies, if you don't want it looked at, don't put it on display! As I recently heard a guy say in a comedy film (can't remember which one!) to a woman in a low cut dress who caught him leering, "Yeah, you wore a dress like that because you wanted men to stare at your feet"!

Men don’t usually flash the flesh, thank goodness. Possible exceptions to this are the buffed up and the inked up. However, generally the more clothes a man wears, the better! After all, no one likes to see a gut hanging out over a pair of speedos, especially if there is a hairy back to go with it! So, unless you’re as smooth as a baby’s arse and have a physique like Arnie in his prime, it’s best to maximise your chances with the ladies by covering up as much as possible!

See no evil, hear no evil

There is a school of thought that men are visual beasts while women are verbally oriented. There has been a raft of books written on the subject in recent times, quoting men's superiority at reading maps etc. and women's superiority at communicating. I must point out that there is also a school of thought that disregards this theory as hokum. But militant feminists/lesbians aside, I think that it's true in general. Now, of course there are women who have good spatial skills and men with good verbal skills, but as the graph above shows, they are in the minority. Men and women do not think the same; our brains are wired differently. I don't think anyone can argue with that. Then how could the sexes be equally good at everything if their brains are different? It is not a statement of superiority, simply an obvious statement of fact - men are better at some things while women are better at others.

I have already touched on the verbal discrepancy between the genders with the post on relative talking rates. From an evolutionary point of view, men had to go out and hunt, be aware of danger and find their way back to the cave. This would encourage good spatial skills to develop over time and to favour those men that had them. Women, on the other hand, had to bring up the sprogs and gossip with the other cavewives. These tasks would encourage communications skills!

In modern life, these skills manifest themselves in various ways. Men ask for directions only as a very last resort. It's a bit like getting overtaken in your car - some men think it makes them less of a man! Women's evolutionary advantage lends itself to nagging the man to stop the bloody car and just ask someone!! Men tend to be better at activities that require hand to eye co-ordination, like sports and driving. Women tend to excel at endeavours that require empathy, diplomacy or shopping!

Men are more liable to be stimulated by visual images while romantic or erotic stories are more likely to do it for women. After all, it is mostly men who buy porn magazines, and it's not for the articles! On the other hand, Mills & Boon sell millions of books a year (all with basically the same plot as far as I can tell!) and I don't think a single copy is bought by a straight man (except possibly as a present for his mother!).

When this principle is applied to dating, it's well known that men like to ogle and tend to judge women on their appearance. Indeed, most men have a favourite female body part that they like to focus their ogling on. Women instinctively know this and therefore dress to attract male attention. On the other hand, women being more verbally oriented, tend to judge men more by their personalities. While this is obviously a better strategy for picking a long term partner, the male approach has its merits for shorter term entanglements!