SAD (Singleton's Affective Disorder)

The above diagram is a simplified representation of the average singleton's year*. Personal calamities aside, those bereft of love can trundle along on a fairly even keel for most of the year. However, there are two periods when even the most ardent of loners feel a pang of self pity.

The first of these unfortunate annual periods is centred around midnight on New Year's Eve. This really gets the new year off to a crappy start for those with no one to pucker up to in the first few minutes of it. In fact, the slump starts for most people in the run up to Christmas when there is no one special to celebrate the festive season with.

You've hardly got over that thorny period when you're plunged back into singles depression a few short weeks later. The largely manufactured Valentine's Day, corny and over hyped as it may be, still has many singletons forlornly watching the letter box, desperately hoping that someone somewhere actually fancies them. The crushing disappointment from a lack of cards, flowers, romantic candlelit dinners etc. can really grate until you become sufficiently cynical sometime in your thirties.

The good news is that from February 15th on, it's a mercifully relatively clear run for ten months until the SAD kicks in again the following December!


*In the Western world. Many around the world follow the Chinese New Year and/or do not celebrate Christmas.

Underwear evolution - women

Unlike their male counterparts, the amount of material used in female underwear has been steadily decreasing over the last number of centuries. Indeed, so much so that, short of going commando, this trend unfortunately can not keep continuing and must level off. Thus, we are left with an exponential decrease, as shown in the graph above. For direct comparisons with men, bras are not included in this treatise, despite the growing number of men who need them!

Back in the middle ages, a potential suitor would need a machete to hack through the layers of chemises, smocks, petticoats and the like that a woman used as underwear. This cornucopia of genital attire possible doubled as a chastity belt of sorts! By the early 1900s, this mercifully had been whittled down to mere bloomers. The trend continued through to bikini style briefs and the g-string - surely the acme of female underwear design!!!

I have noticed that the string nature of modern women's underwear would appear to the untrained male eye to be giving them constant wedgies! While this would seem to be most uncomfortable to a man, the absence of "undercarriage" does have to be factored in! Unfortunately, most of this empirical evidence has been gathered from VPL (visible panty lines) and not, err, investigations in the field!

Underwear evolution - men

The variation in the amount of material used in male underwear (also known as jocks, kacks, smalls etc.) down through the centuries to the present day turns out to be sinusoidal in nature. This is shown in the graph above, where the most popular type of male undergarment from medieval times onwards is displayed.

Back in the Middle Ages, men wore convoluted kacks called a braie. This usually came with a codpiece, which was a zipper of sorts for, err, easy access! Fast forward to the 1800s and you had long johns, a full body suit, again with flaps (front and back this time!) for convenience. In the 20th century, underwear shrank at a rate of knots with boxers first becoming popular in the 1930s. Briefs started at much the same time but became popular later on, thankfully marking the minimum amount of fabric used in popular male kacks (Peter Stringfellow et al take note: g-strings should not be worn by men!).

Funnily enough, boxers and their derivatives have become very popular again in the past number of years, causing the final upturn in the graph above. This is probably due to their reputation for being roomier and being easier to access, although at the expense of support for the two veg! It may be a periodic sinusoid so perhaps we'll have to dust off those codpieces soon!

Who said this blog wasn't educational?!

What guys think they are good at

There are certain things that guys think that they do well. The most important of these things are displayed in the chart above. There is some correlation with the things men like to control, but this is to be expected. After all, why would you want to take the reins at some endeavour if you thought you were no good at it?

A lot of blokes think they can fix anything around the house, be it electrical, mechanical, electronic or structural. Usually they end up making things much worse and when an expert is finally called in, he has to be paid to undo their 'fixes' also! Give a guy a large fork and a barbecue and suddenly he thinks he's Gordon Ramsey, even if he usually turns out to be an ambassador for botulism!

I have never met a guy who thinks he can't play poker well. Even if he is complete pants and is easier to read than the alphabet, it's always Lady Luck's fault when he fails at the table! Consequently, we all think we could make a living as a professional poker player. Mind you, travelling the world playing cards, winning huge wads of cash, sleeping in late and impressing the ladies with our sharp play - what's not to like? Hell, I might give it a shot myself!

As alluded to in a previous post, men always think they can find their way anywhere. All they need is their trusty map and they can find anywhere. Even if the map is years out of date and/or partially missing. Like when fixing stuff, instead of seeking help early, they use their "special abilities" and usually end up getting even more hopelessly lost! Behind the wheel of a car, every guy is Michael Schumacher, without the chin and the cash! When we look at a Formula 1 race, we think that we could do that, if we were as poxy as those guys who got the chance! Every man thinks he drives smoothly, gracefully and safely, no matter how maniacal he may be in the cockpit!

However, of all the things that men think they do well, pleasing the ladies must be number one! Between the sheets, we're all Casanovas who can induce ecstasy in our partner at will. We know what buttons to press and when. We are a potent combination of porn star and Dr. Kinsey! The reality is somewhat different, as you ladies will attest. Mind you, you're only helping to perpetuate this particular myth every time you do a "Sally"!!!!

Is your girlfriend a lesbian?

Have you ever noticed your girlfriend checking out another chick? Cool, eh? Well, maybe not if she exhibits too many of the characteristics listed in the diagram above. As in the previous companion post, it's time to start getting worried/excited if there are multiple bells ringing for you now! You may dream of that kinky threesome, but even if that unlikely scenario came to pass, you can expect to be frozen out of the equation. If the two women had any tendencies in that direction, who do you think they would focus on - you or the other woman?

The dynamic between straight men and gay women is very different from that between straight women and gay men. Men do not hang out with butch lesbians for a start. They would be afraid that they'd be challenged to an arm wrestle....and lose. Besides, there's ultimately nothing in it for the man as she is not "butter side up"*! In addition, a lot of butch lesbians hate men, which to be honest, doesn't bother us guys a whole lot!

Another difference is that while a lot of women think that what gay guys get up to is, err, not pleasant, the concept of lesbianism is very exciting for most guys! Hence male porn is full of hot chicks getting it on together (I hear!), while female porn (if there is such a thing) probably has guys in aprons doing the housework while listening intently to your problems!


* a euphemism for straight, from the cult comedy Red Dwarf!

Is your boyfriend gay?

There are few things more devastating for a woman than finding out that her man is gay. Not only has she deal with the fact that she might be responsible for turning him off the fairer sex, but worse, he was probably the perfect man. He was loving, he was romantic. He was an emotional and sensitive soul who loved to talk about his feelings. He adored shopping and had an innate sense of style. He was perfectly groomed, liked all the TV shows you did and probably peed sitting down. Finding out that he batted for the other team probably destroyed her confidence in herself and probably in men also. Obviously, ladies, this must be avoided at all costs.

It is therefore very important to spot the warning signs early on and thus avoid the terrible anguish resulting from a late realisation. In some cultures (West of Ireland and probably Australian), simply owning an umbrella used to be reason enough for suspicions of a man's sexuality. However, the rise of the metrosexual and increased female influence has blurred the boundaries somewhat in today's world.

The Venn diagram above offers some possible pointers for the concerned girlfriend. Now, if any of the items listed above strikes a chord with you, there should be some cause for concern. There is no need to panic though unless there is a combination of items from 2 different areas (regions 1, 2, and 3 in the diagram). If your man exhibits characteristics from all 3 areas (region 4 above), you need to get your GAYDAR recalibrated!

Men and women as friends

Yes, this post is about the old chestnut - can women and men really be friends? Well, yes they can, but only if they don't fancy each other! Otherwise, as Harry says in the official movie for this blog*, "the sex part always gets in the way"! This is illustrated in the graph above, which shows that the chances of being friends is inversely proportional to how much attraction is felt between the pair.

Now, in that film scene, Harry goes on to claim that a guy can't be friends with any woman, but I don't agree with that. In fact, as the "Platonic Kid" (one of the many nicknames bestowed upon me by my best mate!), I am living proof that you can indeed be friends with members of the fairer sex. However, problems can arise during the course of the friendship if one party starts looking at their counterpart in a different light. This can result in a great relationship if both parties are similarly disposed to the idea, but can end in embarrassing disaster if the feelings are not reciprocated.

All in all, despite that possible elephant trap, having friends of the opposite gender is great (unless, of course, you are a nice guy and it has been forced upon you!). How else can you possibly figure out what the current object of your affection is thinking or why they are doing what they are doing? Asking your buddy can often give you valuable insight into the mysterious mind of the opposite sex!


*"When Harry Met Sally"

Male prowess over time

Hair isn't the only thing that disappears from a man as he gets older. Even worse, as the graph above shows, his libido starts to go AWOL as he ages. It's not all bad news however; as noted in the post on male sexual lifespan, this heinous inevitability can be alleviated somewhat by Viagra and the like. This chemical boost is not displayed in the graph for the sake of clarity.

The graph does show that while physically a man flags as he ages, his experience as a Romeo increases. It probably tapers off more after about 60, but you get the idea. So girls, no need to fret if you are shackled to an aging beast! Men are at their physical peak when they have the least know how, patience and control. Who designed us like that and why?! Older guys, while not having as much pep in their step, more than make up for it in other departments. They are usually more patient (mostly to disguise the flagging libido!) and much more likely to know where everything is and what they are at.

Looking at the graph, ladies, the optimum time for a man would appear to be when he is in his forties. This is roughly where the two lines intersect above (where the combined characteristics are maximised). At this point in life, you have him before his powers start to seriously wane and while he should have a wealth of experience to draw upon. It is only a coincidence that I am approaching that age bracket!

Hair today, gone tomorrow

If there's one thing that men find hard to cope with, it's turning into a slaphead. As the graph above shows, his anxiety increases as coverage on top decreases. Let's face it, unless you've a noggin like Jean-Luc Picard*, baldness is not going to suit you. Worse again, it can be perceived as a lack of virility or youthfulness. Since every guy's coverage decreases to some extent as he gets older, this anxiety affects every guy sooner or later. If it's not the classic male pattern baldness (monk's ring and rapid receding of forehead, destined to eventually meet!), it's the gradual heightening of the forehead and slow thinning of the mane.

While you can have some sympathy for guys losing their thatch early in life, if you make it to 50 before things get bad, you've had a pretty good innings! However bad it is for guys though, hair loss for the small minority of women that suffer from it must be insufferable. At least guys have many "cue ball comrades" and it is socially acceptable for them to be follicularly challenged.

Unfortunately, the snake oil on the Internet, the expensive drug regimens and the arse hair transplants don't really work that well, so you may as well just save your cash and accept it, I'm afraid. If you're a man, for God's sake don't:

• have a wispy, isolated island on your forehead. Shave it off.
• use a comb over. That fools no one and just makes you look silly/sad.
• wear a rug. Even if you spend a lot of money, they do not look good (Elton John anyone?!). You may as well plonk a bush on your head.
• wear a hat constantly regardless of temperature, location or occasion (e.g. The Edge!).
  

Instead, you should wear your shiny dome with pride. You can console yourself that your lack of cranial insulation really is due to an excess of testosterone!

*Captain of the Starship Enterprise in Star Trek: The Next Generation, played by Patrick Stewart.

Love is blind

We've all seen (or even done it!) at some stage. Your friend (or worse, a family member) has met a complete user, but has fallen so head over heels in love that s/he can't see the obvious. As the graph above shows, the more rose tinted the love goggles, the more common sense goes out the window! In extreme cases, Jack the Ripper would be seen by the lovestruck as a "cut above the rest" and Hannibal Lecter a man with a healthy appetite!

This scenario has been the staple of soap operas for years but unfortunately it also happens in real life. As a concerned friend, this leaves you in quite a pickle. You don't want to seem unsupportive or risk the almost inevitable "why can't you be happy for me for once?"/"you're just jealous that I've met someone"/"no one I meet is ever good enough" retorts. However, a true friend knows what to do. When the blinkers eventually come off (and they will), your intentions will be belatedly appreciated.

In vino veritas

On the other end of the truth spectrum, you have a saying that's so old, it's in Latin. In vino veritas* (or the similar "A drunk man speaks his mind") doesn't really apply to the club scene where the guy is focused on trying to score and the woman is focused on not giving personal information away. This lends itself more to lying than telling the truth! However, drinking is much more dangerous when you're out with friends, especially if you've been harbouring a crush for one of them for some time!

As the graph above shows, as you get tanked up, the likelihood of you saying something foolish/embarrassing increases. As with Dutch courage, your inhibitions are lowered with alcohol and suddenly blurting out your true feelings to someone suddenly doesn't seem like such a bad idea! Although the chances are that you'll make a complete idiot of yourself, you never know, those feelings might be reciprocated. At the very worst, you've got them off your chest. This is a good thing, even if you have to avoid that person for months afterwards!

Thank God I don't drink! Having said that, I have still managed to make a complete fool of myself in my time!! Ah well, nothing ventured, nothing gained, eh?!


* literally "there is truth in wine"

Faint heart never won fair maiden

In addition to confidence, bravery is a vital tool in any wannabe womaniser's armoury. While it may not compare to singlehandedly facing up to enemy tanks while armed with little more than a cigarette lighter, approaching women is definitely a togs tester! If you haven't got the stones for it yourself, you better align yourself with a wing commander with big enough ones for the both of you!

Going up to a stranger and putting yourself on the line is tougher than many women realise. If they did, then maybe some of them wouldn't act like total bitches when it happened. OK, maybe the guy is loaded when he makes his awkward approach, but if it wasn't so difficult to do, he wouldn't have needed the Dutch courage in the first place.

What a guy is essentially saying when he approaches a woman is "I want to shag you (and the sooner the better!)". The man knows it, the woman knows it and the man knows that the woman knows it! This does not make it any easier to execute. However, execute it you must, unless you fancy a life of celibate contemplation. No? I didn't think so! As Del Boy* used to say, "He who dares, wins"!


*aka Derek Trotter from the classic British sit-com - Only Fools and Horses.

Go for the jugular

In contrast to the last post, there is another school of thought on the timing of making moves on women. This approach promulgates that to be successful, you have to seize the day. This Carpe Diem approach is usually used by the confident and those successful with women. Outside of America, that generally means the asswipe/player/bounder/cad! Americans, on the other hand, are a confident bunch by nature, so this approach is much more pervasive there.

This approach has a couple of major advantages. If successful, you can cut to the chase pretty quickly, thereby really racking up the notches on the belt/bedpost. If unsuccessful, it means that you quickly identify the abhorred 'time waster' and quickly move on to a more receptive target. On the downside, you may come over as pushy and ruin your chances with some great women.

The ideal approach for nabbing a long term girlfriend is probably somewhere between the two extremes. In most cases, appropriate opportunities will present themselves if you have a little patience. Then, all you have to do is grasp the nettle!

Softly, softly, catchee monkey!

There is a school of thought out there that to snare the target of your affection, you should use the softly, softly approach. This is primarily used by nice guys as a means of justifying their constant procrastination and is a ramification of their lack of cojones!

While it may be best for a guy not to prematurely inosculate with a woman (after all, "wise men say only fools rush in"!), if you dally too much you run the risk of entering the "friend zone". It is probably easier to escape from beyond the event horizon of a black hole than from this forlorn place! Another possible problem is that while you're beating around the bush (metaphorically), some other hero could usurp you to, err, the real McCoy!!

Marry in haste, repent at leisure

The graph above shows the foolishness of marrying someone you don't really know. I'm sure he was really charming and charismatic in the five minutes that you knew him before saying 'yes'. Well, you have the rest of your life (or at least until the messy divorce!) to get to know the real him behind the facade. Just pray that he is not violent, a control freak or an emotional bully. Hell, he could even be gay for all you know! It's not just the ladies who can land a pig in a poke either. Maybe you will find that it was indeed your cash/passport she was after. And what seemed to be devotion in your brief courtship might transform into obsessive neediness pretty quickly.

Of course there are successful unions formed on the spur of the moment. However, let's face it, the chances of having a successful long term relationship with someone you know only a few days/weeks or even months are pretty slim. They don't say "marry in haste, repent at leisure" for nothing after all! You should at least wait until your prospective mate has fallen out of "best behaviour" mode!

Hirsuteness increases with age

The above graph is surely bad news for men like Robin Williams and women everywhere. Unfortunately, it is a fact that our bodies get hairier as we get older. We come in to the world with skin as smooth as a, err, baby's arse, but some of us leave it looking like Tarzan's adoptive father!

For us men, the release of massive amounts of hormones at puberty really kicks the process into gear. You might shave once a week at the beginning, rising to daily or even more frequently as the formative years pass. You'd hope it would stop there, but hair growth tends to continue into middle age. It wouldn't be so bad if it was our manly chest or muscular limbs that got more matted, but no, what do we get instead? Nostril and ear hair, mainly! Even while we're losing it upstairs, it starts sprouting out of the most unlikely locations and there's damn all we can do about it!

For women, as they age, it becomes a battle with the tweezers that would make even King Canute's struggle seem pretty manageable in comparison! Arms and legs get furrier and even worse, it starts appearing on the face. Take a look at a middle aged woman on a bus and chances are she has a better tache/smig then most school boys could manage. Admittedly, that competition isn't particularly fierce, but any unwanted hair is traumatic for a woman. Cue even more female preening - shaving, plucking and/or the application of creams, chemicals, wax, lasers or electric current!

Shall I buy my hat?!

As if it wasn't bad enough watching your friends dropping off like flies, you also start getting 'helpful' reminders of your plight as you advance in years. The graph above shows that the number of 'subtle' digs about getting hitched that you receive is proportional to the number of older female relatives that you have. This is mainly aunts, but can also be aunt-in-laws, grandmothers and other assorted more distant relations. This is the main disadvantage to having 15 aunts (yes, 15!), I find!! To make matters worse, the friends of your parents and neighbours of a certain vintage can also row in with a "hat" enquiry!

The enquiries start when you are in your mid 20s and continue for about a decade, at which point they give up and move on to a younger cousin. The really sad thing is that it's actually worse when they stop asking. At that stage, even they realise that no one is going to be foolish enough to take you on!!! And don't think that you've escaped when finally you meet that special someone - then they move on to when your first/second/third etc. child will be arriving!

Oldest swinger in town

Life is great when you're in your early to mid twenties. You have lots of single friends to go out with or bump into when you're already in the pub/club. Well, you better make the most of it, because unfortunately, it doesn't last! As the graph above shows, your number of single friends decreases as you get older. OK, you could make new, increasingly younger ones, but people tend to stick mainly with their peer group from school/home/college.

As you reach your mid to late twenties, they start dropping off the scene as they meet their Miss/Mr Right. Suddenly they want to spend the night in with their beloved or perhaps they have to spend the weekends travelling to be with their amour. Next thing you know, the wedding invitations start arriving in the post. These are great days because your dearest friends are committing themselves to a life of blissful happiness with their dream wo/man. Plus, there are invariably friends/relatives of the bride/groom that you haven't met/scored with yet!

Once you get to your mid thirties however, most of the weddings are behind you and your social circle has diminished considerably. You have only a small squad of single comrades left, where one there was a platoon! You'd like to go out as often as before, but it's hard to track down one sparring partner, never mind a posse. It only takes one or two solo missions to realise the futility off that approach. Where once you used to bump into friends at every turn, now all you see are silly young ones. My friend, you are now one of the oldest swingers in town! At the time that you probably most need to meet someone, it becomes harder and harder. Thank God for the Internet - it almost makes up for the lack of arranged marriages (in the West) these days!

Not as many single people go to the raft of Christenings that you now attend. You even begin dreading the occasional wedding that comes up as you're now the odd one at the table of couples. The world suddenly feels very couple oriented and you're probably being discriminated against by your married friends. Groups of couples go off on holidays, but you don't quite fit in now, do you? You wonder why your married mates envy your single life, but those faraway fields are always greener, aren't they?!

New site logo

Cue drum roll! Introducing the new site logo, which will be visible on the right hand side of every page from now on! It's in two sizes above, one for those for whom size doesn't matter and one for whom it does!! Given the relative position and tapered sides of the images above, they ended up having a slight "Star Wars" effect! That was purely co-incidental! I've had to write this post for technical reasons, but it's nice to introduce the logo all the same.

I think it turned out alright! OK, so I'm no Leonardo, but it's not that bad and I think it reflects the content of this blog pretty well! It's amazing what you can do with clip art when you put your mind to it!

Belly top suitability

Oh the joys of seeing a belly top adorning the torso of a flat stomached gal. Top it off with a nice tan and/or a belly button piercing and you have one of the finest sights in nature! In fact, if I was David Attenborough, I'd consider doing a series on it!

However, wearing one is fraught with danger as it's a thin line between alluring and disgusting. It's never nice to see a person wedged into an outfit that clearly does not suit their physique. This is especially true with the belly top where even the slightest excess around the midriff is ruthlessly exposed. You could say that ambition is being confused with capability or that there is an absence of close friends to take the offender aside. You have to be cruel to be kind sometimes and this is a prime example of where much embarrassment could be saved with a quiet word.

Surely one of the worst sights in bird watching (of the non-feathered variety) is the so called "muffin top", where the excess blubber spills out over the skirt/trousers like a muffin over its casing. The graph above shows how the chances of looking good in a belly top decreases with every excess pound that you carry.

Best left to the genetically blessed or the super fit, me thinks, just like bicycle shorts on a man! As I like to say "If you got it, flaunt it; if you don't, don't"!!