Guys who can figure women out

I know what you guys are thinking - where the hell did he get that 2.5% from? Who are these gurus and how can I emulate them? Just bear with me for a moment. They say 10% of the population is gay and in the case of gay men, we can assume that half (5% of men) of those are the feminine type and the other half are the butch type (what is the male equivalent of a butch lesbian anyway?!). Out of the feminine 5% of men, I postulate that half of those can figure out just what the hell is going on inside a woman's head! The ironic thing for the ladies is that the only men that have a hope of understanding them are the very ones who will never fancy them. Hence the maxim "the best ones are always gay". It's ironic for men too, because to have a hope of understanding women, you have to err, share their interests! It's a cruel, cruel world!

For the 90% of heterosexual men, unfortunately the bewilderment, perplexity, puzzlement and confusion must go on. We have to try and figure out just what is going on inside that gal's head at that point in time. While men are pretty much constant in their outlook, women are time variant depending on hormonal activity! As Reilly's first law on women states:

"You can't apply logic to illogical beings"

or

"You can't apply rational to irrational beings"

Even Einstein himself was not immune to this phenomenon. He might have been at home developing complex equations that accurately model/explain things like Brownian motion, the photoelectric effect and the universe, but he was still clueless when it came to the chicks! He made the mistake of marrying an intelligent woman for his first wife and his first cousin for his second. Q.E.D.!!

Women who can figure men out

It's difficult to put a number on this, but I estimate it to be quite high. I could be biased because I am a man after all, but observations in the field have led me to arrive at this breakdown. Only the most naive of women or those with little interaction with the male of the species don't really understand what makes a guy tick. Some may know it deep down but refuse to believe it. It still amazes me when a woman says she can't figure guys out! I'll let you who don't already know into a little secret - men don't always think with their brain! It really is that simple.

Men are also hormonally governed, but in a completely different way. We are almost compelled to go forth and multiply on a regular basis (i.e. as often as possible). Our behaviour reflects this, so we are almost always on the lookout for possible action with a new mate or some sort of action with an existing mate (or both in some cases!). This is the basis for our actions at any stage in a relationship, be it at the very beginning or when the romance is in full flow.

When a woman has her "Eureka!" moment and realises how men work, the world is her oyster. Often, beautiful people are the first to twig it as they learn from an early age what a guy will do (anything!) to try and win her favour. Guys will always want action, but it usually the woman who stipulates if, when, where and how it will happen. This power over a man's most basic instinct is why I say that women rule the world, men only think they do.

After all, they don't say that "behind any great man is a great woman" for nothing!

How a nice guy can increase his chances

Following on from the posts on nice guys and pub/club dating, what's a nice guy to do if he wants some success out chasing women in the more traditional environments? Nice guys like going out to pubs, night clubs, bowling alleys etc too. It's just that occasionally they would like a bit of success. Like the bad golfer who hits only one good shot a round, it would be enough encouragement to persevere!

As I see it, there are 4 options:

1. Use Dutch courage to get into "the zone".
2. Develop gonads of steel. Having a neck like Lester Piggott's nether regions is definitely an advantage. If you drink, you can use option 1 to develop the requisite brass neck. If sober, this is not easy to achieve without extensive hypnosis/NLP/therapy!
3. Dress effectively to attract attention from the fairer sex.
4. Use a 'wing commander'.

Obviously, combining all four options should maximise the chances of success. The graph above shows the effect of each individual option on the nice guy’s chances of success. Left to himself, the sober nice guy has little chance. However, getting into the zone or developing the brass neck increases his chances significantly.

However, for the non-drinking (or drinking) man with an inherent fear or rejection, the wing commander is his best hope. If you can't approach women yourself, then it is vital that you have a friend/colleague/ acquaintance that can. This guy is known as the ‘wing commander’ and as the name suggests, he is the brave, selfless warrior that leads the squadron of ‘wing men’ into ‘battle’. You just point him towards a group of women and let him do his thing. If you don’t have a friend that fits the bill, hell, I'd even consider paying a guy to do it! It is only fair that the wing commander gets first choice from the target group, but as a wing man you can swoop in on his shoulder once he has done the hard work of breaking the ice. Any member of the group apart from the target of the wing commander is fair game. This allows a wingman to blossom where normally he would wilt. Of course, he can still crash and burn, but at least he got off the tarmac! The day my wing commander met his dream woman was a dark day indeed....for me! Some guys are just so selfish!!!

This group activity also has the pleasant side effect of strengthening the bond of friendship in the squadron. Such missions provides many sessions of happy reminiscing for years to come, often when some members have long since parked their jets on the runway, to stretch the metaphor to breaking point!

You're such a nice guy....

...want to be my new friend/brother? Hands up who's heard this 100 times or more. If you have, you're a nice guy and generally you get nowhere with women! Sure, you get on well with women you meet, but somehow they always befriend you, meanwhile dating a selection of asswipes. They even have the temerity to cry on your shoulder about these guys. This usually involves the line "oh why, sob, can't I meet a nice guy?" while you silently scream "I'm here, I'm here"! The ultimate bummer, eh guys?

The graph above is the graphical representation of the old maxim that nice guys get nowhere with women. It's an exponential decrease, so your chances really plummet the nicer you are. If the scenario outlined in the paragraph above describes you, then you're in section c of the graph and it's terminal, I'm afraid. You always get into the "friend zone" and rarely manage to get into the erogenous zones!!!! Barring some sort of psychological transformation, you will be forever doomed to roam the planet until you eventually find that one woman with a modicum of sense!

The asswipes/bad boys inhabit section a of the graph, marked by a very high success rate with women. Guys like this probably have to beat women off with a stick. Any time they go out, they can effortlessly procure a woman. Despite all they say about wanting to meet a nice guy, nice guys are, err, too nice (read "boring"). You could easily replace "success" on the vertical axis above with "excitement" and have the same curve. Let's face it, bad boys are far more exciting than nice guys. Women like to be kept on their toes, kept guessing: "will he? Won't he? Does he? Doesn't he?" and so on. Probably the worst thing a wannabe Don Juan can be is reliable and predictable, both inherent characteristics of the nice guy!

From a woman's perspective, you'd probably want to stick with guys who fit into section b of the graph above. This type of guy is the best balance between the arrogant bad boy on the one hand and the wussy nice guy on the other!

Guys happy with their lot

Faraway fields are always greener. A curious phenomenon that I have noticed is that if you ask guys (in their thirties or forties in particular), the majority of the married ones are envious of their single friends and the majority of the single guys are envious of the married counterparts! Sure, there are examples of blissfully happy singletons and husbands, but the vast majority of men hanker for something that they perceive the other type has.

Apparently what the single man seeks (a loving partner to cherish, family etc.) is what the married man would like to jettison (nagging wife, mother-in-law, dirty nappies, responsibilities etc.). Unfortunately for the married man, the nirvana of bachelordom that he seeks (freedom to roar, roger, gorge and puke) is what the single man longs to leave behind (loneliness of an empty life).

That leaves quite a conundrum. Answers on a postcard, please! If you're a woman, also include what you think of your married/single counterparts. Finally, if you're a single woman, include your phone number/email address !!!!!!!

Middle age spread

This graph shows the general rule for both sexes that you get heavier as you get older. Slower metabolisms and increasingly sedentary lifestyles as you age inevitably take their toll. Most people don't have the genes or the discipline to defeat this unfortunate accumulation of excess padding. This phenomenon is reflected in the joke:

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry her!

To be fair, most men develop a paunch as they get older and they don't have the excuse of carrying a child! This is known medically as an intestinus guinness, or in common parlance, a beer gut!

Personality vs Looks

Yet another post on ye olde personality vs looks debate! This graph shows the relative importance of both as a relationship develops. This assumes a couple have met in a traditional manner e.g. in a pub/club. Any correspondence before meeting (e.g. the Internet) would obviously place more emphasis on personality at the initial meeting.

When a couple meet, the relationship ignites because of a strong mutual chemistry. Both parties are physically attracted to each other and quickly enter the "honeymoon phase". This phase is characterised by extensive rutting due to strong hormonal urges and the excitement of a new partner. However, as familiarity develops between the couple, the passion begins to wane and mental compatibility becomes more important in the longer term.

Of course, if you're into one night stands, personality is never particularly important past the need to click on the night. Also, going out with the most beautiful/handsome person you have ever met is not going to work if you are not on the same wavelength.