Internet dating - avoiding a pig in a poke

As mentioned in the original post on Internet dating, chatting away to a potential date on the web can result in extreme disappointment. After prolonged bouts of exciting flirting, hours of playful banter and many deep and meaningful conversations, the real life meeting eventually occurs. This can burst the romantic bubble as you didn't get what you were expecting, s/he wasn't as advertised or the real life sparks simply didn't fly.

As the graph above shows, the probability of disappointment is dependent on how familiar you were with how the person really looks before you met. This is particular true for men, the more visual of the species. If you have relied solely on the tapping of the keyboard for the virtual romance, the first real date is Russian Roulette, my friend! Marginally better is the old picture, which may have been taken many dinners ago.

Even a recent picture can be misleading, especially in the age of photo editing. Therefore, if possible you're best advised to see your cyber-date on web cam before committing to a real life romantic encounter. If you manage to see the object of your virtual affection in his/her birthday suit on cam and you're still disappointed on meeting, you've only yourself to blame!

Films (movies) men and women like

The kind of films liked by men are markedly different to those liked by women. As the picture above illustrates, guys tend to like Arnold Schwarzenegger type movies with blood and guts, explosions, guns, gadgets and the like. On the other hand, women tend towards romance flicks and Jane Austen type costume dramas (whatever they are about!).

This leads to all sorts of problems when going to the cinema on a date or deciding on a DVD to watch. He wants the action blockbuster, while she wants the flowery love story. Many a man has had to sit through an agonising 2 hours of pure pap just to further his chances with his damsel!

Internet dating - enthuasism

OK, you're disillusioned with (or too busy for) traditional dating, so what do you do? Nowadays, you hit the Internet. Once you get over the fact that you're not a saddo for using it, you take to it with gusto. All these potential partners available from the comfort of your own home is amazing in the beginning. After a few weeks, you're flying and arranging dates left, right and centre.

However, it doesn't take long to realise that Internet dating is even worse than traditional pub/club dating. You never thought there could be so many perverts/married people/psychopaths/pathological liars concentrated in the one place. At least in the pub, they are in the minority! Then there's the complete lack of chemistry with the decent folk you meet online.

Therefore, you tend to get sick of Internet dating relatively quickly. It usually takes the order of several months as opposed to years for traditional dating.

Traditional dating - enthuasism

When you're let loose on the world in your late teens, you start off somewhat overawed and unsure with the pub/club scene. After a few months, you get into the swing of things and it all seems so exciting. You're fleeing the nest, spreading your wings and enjoying your new found independence. Nights out with the lads/girls are the highlight of your week and hopefully there's even fairly steady action.

Unfortunately, these halcyon days don't last forever. If you don't meet your dream partner within a few years, your friends certainly will. All of a sudden, there's no one to go with, and even if you did, the never ending trawl through the drunk, vacuous and the self absorbed for the special someone starts to lose its lustre. Thus, nights out start to get more desperate and depressing and you start looking for an alternative way to meet people. Unfortunately, nowadays, that means the Internet.

Move in mysterious ways

If there is one thing I've noticed during my long and unsuccessful career as a womaniser, it's that being an open book is very bad for business! Women seem to like a bit of intrigue, a splash of mystery, a smidgen of uncertainty. The does he/doesn't he, is he/isn't he element seems to psychologically keep them on the toes and add an aura of desirability around you. To be fair, it can also drive a man nuts when the woman he is pursuing is clouded in suspense.

It's vital to keep something in the locker until the object of your affection has developed some feelings for you. Becoming boring and predictable only works after that point!! As the graph above shows, the tighter you keep your cards to your chest and the more enigmatic you are, the more success you will have with the opposite sex. This may well help explain why James Bond is such a big hit with the ladies!

When to meet your Internet amour

Following on from a much earlier post on Internet dating, the above graph shows the optimum time for meeting someone off the Internet. While there is no hard and fast rule and it depends on the frequency and intensity of contact, it is generally a bad idea to meet someone too quickly. Women need to be extra careful in this regard from a security perspective, given the high number of weirdoes online. Equally importantly for men, it's best to time the time to establish via photographic evidence that she's a possible, due to the large number of mingers* on-line!!!

For reasons already outlined in the referenced post above, leaving it too long is also bad, as your expectations tend to lose the run of themselves! In extreme cases, a man may leave it so long that he even enters the dreaded friend zone. This is quite an achievement with a woman he hasn't even met!

So, when to take the plunge? It's generally the man that makes the move (although not as much as in "real life") and it's important to time it well. Too soon and you could give off the impression that you're a player or over anxious, which is never good with the opposite sex. Too long and they might think you're not interested. As shown in the graph above, the best time to "pounce" lies in the week to month range, depending on frequency of contact. The point to remember is don't force it. Wait until you get a sense of his/her personality (yes, guys, it does matter!) and it feels right to broach the subject of hooking up for a real date. If the opportunity doesn't arise in the first few weeks, try to subtlety guide the correspondence in that direction. If s/he doesn't bite, it might be best to move on as there are plenty of cyber-fish on the Internet!

*A minger is UK slang for someone not particularly blessed in the looks department!

Take care to be careless

Closely relating to the relaxation post, the graph above shows that the more you care about the other party, the less dating success you will have. This is particularly true for guys, but I believe it works both ways. There's something about a challenge that seems to get people's juices flowing.

When the pursuer or pursued seems to be keen this is often perceived as being a bit of a turn off. I suppose every good hunter enjoys the thrill of the chase before landing his or her prey! The prey also seems to enjoy outfoxing the hunter, throwing down multiple obstacles as challenges before deciding to be allowed to be caught or not.

While it's obviously very difficult to do with someone you are very attracted to, the best strategy with a potential new suitor/romantic target is to turn the nonchalance up to 11 and proceed from there!

Retail Apathy

I've gone on about shopping quite a bit already (e.g. here and here), but my recent experience of trailing behind a woman in a shopping mecca causes me to revisit this topic (again!).

I (mercifully) hadn't done this for quite some time, but the natural male response wasn't long kicking in again. As the graph above shows, the (straight, average) man's tolerance for shopping is very low, in the order of minutes. On the other hand, the (average) woman's tolerance for spending/browsing/trying on stuff approaches the age of the universe!!!

After about 20 minutes the average man has just about had enough. He has found his target items, tried them on (if absolutely necessary!) and purchased them. If he is alone, great - he can leave. However, if the poor guy is accompanied by his beloved, the nightmare is only beginning! He can kill a few more minutes eyeing up the females in the shops or browsing in the lingerie section, but even this gets tedious pretty quickly. After about 40 minutes, he really, really wants to leave. Unfortunately, he must persevere and hope that saying everything looks great on her will expedite the process!

After an hour, he starts getting narky and drops "subtle" hints about calling it a day. Undeterred, she soldiers on as his protestations fall on deaf ears. At the 2 hour mark, he suffers retail meltdown and world war 3 breaks out on the shop floor!! The moral of the story? Obviously, never go shopping with your woman unless you want to engineer a break up fight with her!!

Blowing in the wind

Following on from much earlier posts about male hygiene decreasing when living with a partner and in a marriage, the above diagram shows the typical male's farting behaviour from the earliest stages of a relationship.

In the very early days of a new romance, he is on his best behaviour and farting in the woman's company is completely out of the question. As time passes, he may risk easing one out in a noisy, busy and/or outdoor location. Occasionally he will be caught out, but if he is judicious, he can always blame someone/something else for the unseemly waft.

Unfortunately for the woman, the man will eventually arrive at a point in the relationship where he feels he can fart with abandon. This point is marked by "C" on the graph above and marks his entry into the relationship comfort zone. Although tricky to negotiate, this point can not come quick enough as far as a man is concerned. The rear floodgates open and soon he ramps up to maximum performance which, unlike other functions, he can impressively maintain for many decades!

Favourite places - women

Unsurprisingly, on the whole, women tend to like different places to men. The graph above shows the places where women like to hang out. The constituent factors associated with these locations are also displayed. A lot of gals splash out on expensive gym membership to get that bod into shape, sometimes with a buddy for motivational reasons. In a lot of cases, any old gym won't do - it has to be exclusive in some way, either in terms of clientele or gender (or both). After all, have be seen in the right place as well as get buns of steel!

The beach is also favoured by ladies, although for slightly different reasons. Where else can she so effectively show off that toned physique while getting it bronzed? She can grab a couple of loungers with friends and spend the day pretending to be upset at all the male ogling, in between frolicking in the ocean and playing beach volleyball in her g-string!

Next favourite place is the beauty salon, where she can be peeled, wrapped, exfoliated, manicured, pedicured, colonically irrigated and waxed to an inch of her life (and they are only the ones I've heard about!). Following that is the specialist centre for the coiff - the hairdressers. Some women go on a weekly basis, despite the fact that they are hideously overcharged for the privilege. Still, anything to look good, eh?

Of course, the winner had to be the shops - where most women would spent their all their waking hours if possible. Ideally visited with a friend (so that they can assure each other that they look absolutely fabulous in everything), these money pits act like the flame to a moth. Where else is she going to find that killer outfit to go with her new lipstick or add to her collection of 300 pairs of shoes?!

And guys, don't think that all this preening is for your benefit, because it isn't. It's for the ultra-competitive world of bitchy females!

Favourite places - men

This chart shows some of a man's favourite places and the components that make it so enjoyable for him. It does differ from the woman's list somewhat! First up is the restaurant where a man can eat his his favourite meal ('other' on chart above) while ogling at the waitresses. Best enjoyed with a couple of mates and washed down with beer. Next up is the sports arena where he can support his favourite team ('other' on chart above). Not many chicks to ogle at, but he can usually drink beer with his mates either before or during the game. Americans have an advantage here because they have cheerleaders!

The first of the big 3 is the trusty bar, where a man can hang out with his mates, drink beer and ogle at chicks. You can even watch sports on the big TVs ('other' on chart above). Does it get any better than this? Yes it does, because you have the strip club where he can do all of the above (except watch sports on TV), but the women are (almost) naked!

Besting even the strip club is the humble beach. Much the same as above, but the beer is much cheaper, there's no cover charge and a man can get a tan! You can even go for a swim or play games ('other' in chart above) between ogle sessions. Downsides are melanomas and the chicks aren't as slutty, although this does depend on the beach!

Internet descriptions - male

Compared to women, men on the Internet can lie about just about everything. Nothing is sacred - their height, weight, age, looks, hair situation, marital status, complexion, build, financial status, occupation and just about any other trait you can think of. Everything is fluid and can be adapted to woo a particular Internet prey.

As the diagram above shows, it really is caveat emptor* for ladies on-line! Of course there are genuine and/or attractive blokes in cyberspace, but it's hard to find them, outnumbered as they are by the cowboys, chancers, perverts and married guys looking for "fun"!

Some people on the net are lucky that they aren't arrested for fraud! I don't know if the short, bald, fat, old guy thinks the woman won't notice when they finally meet that he isn't young, tall, dark and handsome as claimed. I guess there are insecurities there and the forlorn hope is that she might overlook the "little" lie and see the real man within.

Corny as it sounds, I think that honest really is the best policy on-line. What kind of relationship starts off with a lie? One that's trying to get someone into bed, perhaps! If it's a longer term arrangement that you're after, it's best to use a recent picture and a realistic self appraisal and let the chips fall where they may. After all, you do ultimately want a person to like you for the real you, not an idealised, fictitious version of you.

*Buyer beware!

Internet descriptions - female

Further to the post on Internet dating, unfortunately one really must take profiles on Internet dating sites, chat rooms, social networking sites, instant messaging systems and the like with a large pinch of salt. For men, this means adding about a stone (14 pounds or 6.4kgs) to a woman's claimed weight and usually downgrading their claimed appearance by about one notch. This leads to a lot of disappointment when meeting women off the Internet. Men tend to be shallow, visual creatures, after all.

This is displayed in the mapping diagram above. On the left hand side, the body mappings are shown. Let's face it - a lot of women tell porkies about their weight. Sure, there are gym buffed and honest ladies in cyberspace, but a lot of women seem to be misleading about their actual body type.

The right hand side of the diagram above shows the appearance mappings. Again, this tends to be exaggerated somewhat on profiles, so it's best to be sceptical. Again, occasionally you do see bona fide hot chicks on profiles, but by and large you'd have to question why they need to use the Internet at all. The answer, you'll find in most cases, is to lure you to their web site where they are waiting for you (or more specifically, your credit card!).

If they are over about 35, you might as well add about 5 years on to their purported ages for good measure! I've seen some very suspect "35" year old female profiles in my time, I can tell you! Or maybe I'm just ageing extremely well!

Whether it's self-delusion or deliberate obfuscation, it's never nice to be sold a bum steer! But however bad women may be on the honesty front, they pale in comparison to their male counterparts!

Out of sight, out of mind

Following on from the post on long distance romances, another well known problem with parted couples is the wandering eye. Granted, this is a more of an issue with the male of the species. Indeed, some guys probably jump into Internet chat rooms looking for "fun" when their other half nips down to the shop!

The graph above shows this phenomenon for both males and females. As the distance between the couple increases, the likelihood of one (or both!) of the partners "playing away from home" follows suit. A lot of men separated from their women by a large distance would be at least tempted to avail of an available opportunity. Before you gals get on your high horse, you are not entirely without sin in this regard either. Just watch the film "Up in the Air"* for proof of this!

This is why you should never agree to your partner going on a sun holiday with the girls/lads!


*George Clooney stars in it and it's a good movie, so it shouldn't be too onerous to watch it!