Sunday 10 June 2007

Women, men and shoes

Pseudoscience of love - women own more shoes than menAnother fundamental difference between the sexes is the number of shoes owned by each. While the average man owns relatively few pairs, infinity was invented to represent concepts as vast as the number of shoes owned by a typical woman. OK, that might be a slight exaggeration, but as the chart above shoes, they own a hell of a lot more than us guys do!

The average bloke might have a pair of black shoes, a pair of brown ones, a pair of dressy shoes, sneakers and possibly a pair of sandals. Women, on the other hand, have that many pairs for just going to the toilet! For women, shoes can be broadly classified using the following taxonomy:

  • Calceatus planus: flat shoe
  • Calceatus stilettocus: high heeled shoe
  • Calceatus platformicus: platform shoes
  • Calceatus wedgicus: wedged heeled shoe
  • Calceatus stylus: pencil heeled shoe
  • Calceatus pumpicus: pumps
  • Calceatus slingbackicus: slingback shoes
  • Booticus celsius maximus: high boots
  • Booticus celsius mediocris: medium boots
  • Booticus celsius minimus: ankle boots
  • Booticus equinus: riding boots
  • Booticus veni-meum-sexum: CFM boots
  • Booticus wellius designerium: designer wellies
  • Calceatus woodicus: clogs
  • Sandalium: sandals
  • Calceatus slippericus: slippers
  • Calceatus flipflopius: flip-flops
  • Calceatus sliponicus: slip-ons
  • Calceatus mulus: mule shoes
  • Calceatus judicius: court shoes
  • Calceatus athleticus: sneakers
  • Calceatus laboris: work shoes
  • Calceatus occasionius specialis: dress shoes
  • Calceatus entertainium: going out shoes
  • Calceatus littoris: beach shoes
  • Calceatus pocahontas: moccasins
  • Calceatus loaferius: loafers
  • Calceatus sluticus: extremely high heeled shoes, worn mainly by porn stars
  • Calceatus comfortus: comfortable shoes, worn mainly by lesbians

I realise that this list is nowhere near exhaustive, but it should serve as a useful starting point for future developers of the system. I would explain the existing classifications better, if only I knew what some of them were and what the hell the differences were between them! Unfortunately, only women are privy to this information, who have at least 20% of their brains devoted to shoes. Within each classification, characteristics such as colour, fitting, mood, weather and function play an important part. Finally, women usually like to have at least 3 footwear options for every possible scenario.

Suddenly, Imelda Marcos doesn't seem so extravagant after all!

2 comments:

Aidan said...

Apologies to any Latin scholars! One word I found for "shoe" in an online dictionary was "calceatus". Most of the other words are made up ones (surprise, surprise!), but there are a few real Latin words in there e.g. sandalium and stylus.

"CFM" (Come F**k Me) proved the hardest to translate and is indubitably incorrect!

Aidan said...

Thanks to my mother for coming up with at least 10 shoe types that I had never even heard of or distinguish from other types!

Imelda Marcos, the former first lady of The Philippines, was famous for her extravagant lifestyle and especially for her massive shoe collection.