Every Nice Guy Has His Day....Eventually!

Some time ago, I wrote about the trials and tribulations of nice guys in the dating game and how they can increase their chances of success. Since then, I've gotten a little older (and hopefully wiser!) and I've noticed an interesting trend in the dynamic between the nice guy and the target(s) of his affection.

As a nice guy in your twenties, you're basically hosed; the women you meet hold all the cards and they know they do. Most of them figure they don't have to date you because someone better/more exciting/hunkier is just around the corner. Let's face it, they are probably right, but it still sucks, as our American brethren say. As noted before, to add insult to injury, they often want to keep you as a friend and perhaps even cry on your shoulder about the obvious asswipes they are dating. Yes, just what you wanted!

However if you manage to evade capture until your thirties (and beyond!), you will begin to notice a very welcome, if belated, change. While you were the desperate one in your twenties, frantically searching for someone who would take you, as you get older you will find yourself having an increasing say in the destiny of any relationship you enter into. This is shown in the graph above, which shows the balance of power shifting from about the early thirties on.

Any woman of a similar vintage to yourself still single in her thirties simply can not afford to be as picky as she once was. Her chances of meeting anyone will have severely decreased as couples pair off, leaving her with less friends to socialise with and less suitable men to meet when she does go out. While the Internet has improved things in this regard, it won't stop the gradual panic (that she has missed her chance, that there are no good men left and that she will die a lonely spinster with just her cat(s) for company) from setting in. This is brilliant for you, the ageing and terminally nice guy. You can finally come into your own and experience what it feels like to call the shots in a relationship!

Granted, your choice of baggage-free contemporaries isn't as wide as it was either, but being a man, at least women five or ten years younger are now on the radar (without fear of being arrested!). This in turn forces women your own age to look increasingly upwards for possible partners, which makes you an even better catch for them! Talk about a confluence of positive factors! A nice guy at this stage is manna from heaven for a woman, who is looking for solid, settling down material, not the bad boy party animal she may have preferred in her younger days. Better late than never, I suppose!

However, you have to be careful, because when a woman of a certain vintage lands what she perceives as one of the last of the good guys, she can get clingy very easily, something you may not have much previous experience of. Also, no matter how tempting, you should not abuse this new found power by trying to exact revenge for all your past rejections. Nor should you settle because of social or family pressure. Just because you finally  meet a woman who gives you the time of day, doesn't mean you have to settle down with her! No sooner have one set of problems disappeared than another appear in their place!

The 7 Stages of Searching for Mr/Ms Right

Finding that special someone is harder for some people than others. The chart above shows the seven stages of searching for a life partner. While there are people who get married at 16 and others who tie the knot at 99, most people fall into a general pattern. For simplicity, I assume the search starts at 18 and continues until you find someone or you keel over! The seven stages are:

1. Nonchalance: This stage lasts from the age of 18 to the age of about 25. You're young and carefree and just want to have a good time with your friends. The last thing on your mind is settling down; the world is your oyster after all!
2. Optimism: At or about the age of 25, most people begin to keep an eye out for a potential partner. While the partying may not stop, the motives for going out gradually changes. You're young and vibrant - it can only be a matter of time before you meet someone, can't it?
3. Concern: As your single friends start to drop off like flies and you're still searching, the worrying starts. It starts as a slight nagging doubt, but as you approach 28-30 (women) or 30-33 (men), let the panic begin. Many of your friends' partners have tried setting you up, but there's still plenty of time and opportunity, right?
4. Desperation: If you're still single by 33-35 (women) or 35-38 (men), you're hit by a double whammy. Not alone are there fewer single people your age to choose from, you find it harder to meet the remaining ones. This leads to desperation creeping in as your biological clock starts ticking in earnest. Your supply of willing wingmen has dwindled to practically nothing, so unless you hit the Internet, it's harder to meet someone*.The pressure to find someone (almost anyone, as some of your family might think!) is intense as the spectre of enforced bachelorhood/spinsterhood looms large! This turns into a vicious cycle as the more desperate you become, the less appealing you are, which increases your desperation......
5. Resignation: As your milestone 40th birthday approaches and you're still on the lookout, you begin to resign yourself to the fact that eternal happiness is about to pass you by! You may even rationalise that you are happy focusing on your career or that you were destined for a higher purpose, neither of which keep you warm at night! However, the sad truth is that it's looking very likely that you're one of the unlucky few destined never to meet that special someone.
6. Acceptance: Shortly after the above stage, it's time to accept your cruel fate. It appears you are destined to roam the earth alone. If you're a woman, it's time to buy that cat if you haven't already done so!
7. Apathy: You've reached your early to mid 40s and realised that this true love malarkey was a pile of pants. You don't even bother to look any more, seldom going out as you're now the oldest swinger in town. You've even abandoned the minefield of Internet dating, even if it did allow you to meet ostensibly suitable people from the comfort of your own home. If it was true what they say about it happening when you least expect it, then no one would be single after the age of about 45!

Obviously, once you start looking, the earlier you find someone in the process the better. However, judging by the amount of married friends that seem to envy your freedom, losing out on true love might not be so bad after all!


*Men have it slightly easier as it's more socially acceptable to go for a younger woman. However, the rise of the cougar has redressed this inequality somewhat!

Text Maniacs

A couple of recent (and not altogether pleasant!) encounters with members of the opposite sex inspired the above graph, which shows the relationship between the number of text messages a person sends and how crazy s/he is!

At one end of the scale, you have the person who steadfastly refuses to send any texts at all, which is somewhat irrational in itself. However, it pales in comparison with the other extreme, where the incessant texter lurks. This behaviour is marked by the following characteristics:

• A non-stop stream of texts, many of an inane and/or incomprehensible nature.
• If a reply to any of their short electronic missives is not sent within 2 minutes, a torrent of texts is unleashed along the lines of "r u ok?" or "wats wrong, hun?". Note to psycho texters: NOTHING IS WRONG - LEAVE ME ALONE FOR GOD'S SAKE, I'M TRYING TO RELAX/WATCH TV/HAVE A LIFE!!!
• Once you realise you're corresponding with a nutbar and try to withdraw, cue the "psycho cycle of texts". Even after making it clear that you want no further contact, this cycle starts with old chestnuts like "r u ok?" or "how r u?", moves on to the abusive, e.g. "F@@k u, u b@@tard/B@tch" and followed by the begging/pathetic, e.g. "wat av I done?", "can we meet plz?" or perhaps some unintelligible gobbledygook. After a respite of say, 15 minutes (or an hour or two, if you're lucky!), your unhinged text buddy simply restarts the cycle, somehow expecting you to have forgotten the mental behaviour already exhibited (multiple times!).
  

The moral of the story? Be very careful to whom you give your mobile phone number! Note that even a joke condition like "Promise not to text me more than 200 times a day?" does not work! The best way to deal with this unsettling situation is to ignore the texts in the hope that the message finally sinks in. Do NOT engage the deluded at any cost as this only gives them licence to continue the harassment. In the likely event of ignoring them failing, getting their number blocked or reporting them to the police are unfortunately your only options.

To prevent this situation from arising, it would be a very good idea to buy a disposable mobile phone (or SIM card) and use it to communicate with new amours. This is particularly good advice for those using Internet dating, where spotting psychos in time is much more difficult. That way, in the worst case scenario, you can simply dump the phone and not inconvenience yourself or the more normal people you’re in contact with!

SAD (Singleton's Affective Disorder)

The above diagram is a simplified representation of the average singleton's year*. Personal calamities aside, those bereft of love can trundle along on a fairly even keel for most of the year. However, there are two periods when even the most ardent of loners feel a pang of self pity.

The first of these unfortunate annual periods is centred around midnight on New Year's Eve. This really gets the new year off to a crappy start for those with no one to pucker up to in the first few minutes of it. In fact, the slump starts for most people in the run up to Christmas when there is no one special to celebrate the festive season with.

You've hardly got over that thorny period when you're plunged back into singles depression a few short weeks later. The largely manufactured Valentine's Day, corny and over hyped as it may be, still has many singletons forlornly watching the letter box, desperately hoping that someone somewhere actually fancies them. The crushing disappointment from a lack of cards, flowers, romantic candlelit dinners etc. can really grate until you become sufficiently cynical sometime in your thirties.

The good news is that from February 15th on, it's a mercifully relatively clear run for ten months until the SAD kicks in again the following December!


*In the Western world. Many around the world follow the Chinese New Year and/or do not celebrate Christmas.

Only he who dares, wins

As stated in a much earlier post, a man needs to be brave, to be proactive in his dating career. Well, assuming he wants a successful one, that is! For all their talk about equality, the majority of women still prefer a decisive man who takes the lead in such matters. After all, what woman really wants a wuss? So, to be a hit with the ladies, a guy really has to make a lot of early running.

However, as the graph above shows, in general the opposite is true for women who make "obvious" moves on men. While I would personally love it (if it ever bloody well happened to me!), many men feel emasculated when confronted with this gift horse and proceed to eyeball it in the oral cavity! This is akin to earning more than him, driving him around or being smarter or taller than him. These are all roles that men are conditioned from childhood to believe that they must fulfil in a relationship. Therefore, making an obvious move can backfire for a woman if the target is even the slightest bit insecure.

Usually, women get around this dilemma by using hints of varying degrees of subtlety to get the man to think that he in fact is making the decisive move!

Internet dating - avoiding a pig in a poke

As mentioned in the original post on Internet dating, chatting away to a potential date on the web can result in extreme disappointment. After prolonged bouts of exciting flirting, hours of playful banter and many deep and meaningful conversations, the real life meeting eventually occurs. This can burst the romantic bubble as you didn't get what you were expecting, s/he wasn't as advertised or the real life sparks simply didn't fly.

As the graph above shows, the probability of disappointment is dependent on how familiar you were with how the person really looks before you met. This is particular true for men, the more visual of the species. If you have relied solely on the tapping of the keyboard for the virtual romance, the first real date is Russian Roulette, my friend! Marginally better is the old picture, which may have been taken many dinners ago.

Even a recent picture can be misleading, especially in the age of photo editing. Therefore, if possible you're best advised to see your cyber-date on web cam before committing to a real life romantic encounter. If you manage to see the object of your virtual affection in his/her birthday suit on cam and you're still disappointed on meeting, you've only yourself to blame!

Films (movies) men and women like

The kind of films liked by men are markedly different to those liked by women. As the picture above illustrates, guys tend to like Arnold Schwarzenegger type movies with blood and guts, explosions, guns, gadgets and the like. On the other hand, women tend towards romance flicks and Jane Austen type costume dramas (whatever they are about!).

This leads to all sorts of problems when going to the cinema on a date or deciding on a DVD to watch. He wants the action blockbuster, while she wants the flowery love story. Many a man has had to sit through an agonising 2 hours of pure pap just to further his chances with his damsel!

Internet dating - enthuasism

OK, you're disillusioned with (or too busy for) traditional dating, so what do you do? Nowadays, you hit the Internet. Once you get over the fact that you're not a saddo for using it, you take to it with gusto. All these potential partners available from the comfort of your own home is amazing in the beginning. After a few weeks, you're flying and arranging dates left, right and centre.

However, it doesn't take long to realise that Internet dating is even worse than traditional pub/club dating. You never thought there could be so many perverts/married people/psychopaths/pathological liars concentrated in the one place. At least in the pub, they are in the minority! Then there's the complete lack of chemistry with the decent folk you meet online.

Therefore, you tend to get sick of Internet dating relatively quickly. It usually takes the order of several months as opposed to years for traditional dating.

Traditional dating - enthuasism

When you're let loose on the world in your late teens, you start off somewhat overawed and unsure with the pub/club scene. After a few months, you get into the swing of things and it all seems so exciting. You're fleeing the nest, spreading your wings and enjoying your new found independence. Nights out with the lads/girls are the highlight of your week and hopefully there's even fairly steady action.

Unfortunately, these halcyon days don't last forever. If you don't meet your dream partner within a few years, your friends certainly will. All of a sudden, there's no one to go with, and even if you did, the never ending trawl through the drunk, vacuous and the self absorbed for the special someone starts to lose its lustre. Thus, nights out start to get more desperate and depressing and you start looking for an alternative way to meet people. Unfortunately, nowadays, that means the Internet.

Move in mysterious ways

If there is one thing I've noticed during my long and unsuccessful career as a womaniser, it's that being an open book is very bad for business! Women seem to like a bit of intrigue, a splash of mystery, a smidgen of uncertainty. The does he/doesn't he, is he/isn't he element seems to psychologically keep them on the toes and add an aura of desirability around you. To be fair, it can also drive a man nuts when the woman he is pursuing is clouded in suspense.

It's vital to keep something in the locker until the object of your affection has developed some feelings for you. Becoming boring and predictable only works after that point!! As the graph above shows, the tighter you keep your cards to your chest and the more enigmatic you are, the more success you will have with the opposite sex. This may well help explain why James Bond is such a big hit with the ladies!

When to meet your Internet amour

Following on from a much earlier post on Internet dating, the above graph shows the optimum time for meeting someone off the Internet. While there is no hard and fast rule and it depends on the frequency and intensity of contact, it is generally a bad idea to meet someone too quickly. Women need to be extra careful in this regard from a security perspective, given the high number of weirdoes online. Equally importantly for men, it's best to time the time to establish via photographic evidence that she's a possible, due to the large number of mingers* on-line!!!

For reasons already outlined in the referenced post above, leaving it too long is also bad, as your expectations tend to lose the run of themselves! In extreme cases, a man may leave it so long that he even enters the dreaded friend zone. This is quite an achievement with a woman he hasn't even met!

So, when to take the plunge? It's generally the man that makes the move (although not as much as in "real life") and it's important to time it well. Too soon and you could give off the impression that you're a player or over anxious, which is never good with the opposite sex. Too long and they might think you're not interested. As shown in the graph above, the best time to "pounce" lies in the week to month range, depending on frequency of contact. The point to remember is don't force it. Wait until you get a sense of his/her personality (yes, guys, it does matter!) and it feels right to broach the subject of hooking up for a real date. If the opportunity doesn't arise in the first few weeks, try to subtlety guide the correspondence in that direction. If s/he doesn't bite, it might be best to move on as there are plenty of cyber-fish on the Internet!

*A minger is UK slang for someone not particularly blessed in the looks department!

Take care to be careless

Closely relating to the relaxation post, the graph above shows that the more you care about the other party, the less dating success you will have. This is particularly true for guys, but I believe it works both ways. There's something about a challenge that seems to get people's juices flowing.

When the pursuer or pursued seems to be keen this is often perceived as being a bit of a turn off. I suppose every good hunter enjoys the thrill of the chase before landing his or her prey! The prey also seems to enjoy outfoxing the hunter, throwing down multiple obstacles as challenges before deciding to be allowed to be caught or not.

While it's obviously very difficult to do with someone you are very attracted to, the best strategy with a potential new suitor/romantic target is to turn the nonchalance up to 11 and proceed from there!

Retail Apathy

I've gone on about shopping quite a bit already (e.g. here and here), but my recent experience of trailing behind a woman in a shopping mecca causes me to revisit this topic (again!).

I (mercifully) hadn't done this for quite some time, but the natural male response wasn't long kicking in again. As the graph above shows, the (straight, average) man's tolerance for shopping is very low, in the order of minutes. On the other hand, the (average) woman's tolerance for spending/browsing/trying on stuff approaches the age of the universe!!!

After about 20 minutes the average man has just about had enough. He has found his target items, tried them on (if absolutely necessary!) and purchased them. If he is alone, great - he can leave. However, if the poor guy is accompanied by his beloved, the nightmare is only beginning! He can kill a few more minutes eyeing up the females in the shops or browsing in the lingerie section, but even this gets tedious pretty quickly. After about 40 minutes, he really, really wants to leave. Unfortunately, he must persevere and hope that saying everything looks great on her will expedite the process!

After an hour, he starts getting narky and drops "subtle" hints about calling it a day. Undeterred, she soldiers on as his protestations fall on deaf ears. At the 2 hour mark, he suffers retail meltdown and world war 3 breaks out on the shop floor!! The moral of the story? Obviously, never go shopping with your woman unless you want to engineer a break up fight with her!!

Blowing in the wind

Following on from much earlier posts about male hygiene decreasing when living with a partner and in a marriage, the above diagram shows the typical male's farting behaviour from the earliest stages of a relationship.

In the very early days of a new romance, he is on his best behaviour and farting in the woman's company is completely out of the question. As time passes, he may risk easing one out in a noisy, busy and/or outdoor location. Occasionally he will be caught out, but if he is judicious, he can always blame someone/something else for the unseemly waft.

Unfortunately for the woman, the man will eventually arrive at a point in the relationship where he feels he can fart with abandon. This point is marked by "C" on the graph above and marks his entry into the relationship comfort zone. Although tricky to negotiate, this point can not come quick enough as far as a man is concerned. The rear floodgates open and soon he ramps up to maximum performance which, unlike other functions, he can impressively maintain for many decades!

Favourite places - women

Unsurprisingly, on the whole, women tend to like different places to men. The graph above shows the places where women like to hang out. The constituent factors associated with these locations are also displayed. A lot of gals splash out on expensive gym membership to get that bod into shape, sometimes with a buddy for motivational reasons. In a lot of cases, any old gym won't do - it has to be exclusive in some way, either in terms of clientele or gender (or both). After all, have be seen in the right place as well as get buns of steel!

The beach is also favoured by ladies, although for slightly different reasons. Where else can she so effectively show off that toned physique while getting it bronzed? She can grab a couple of loungers with friends and spend the day pretending to be upset at all the male ogling, in between frolicking in the ocean and playing beach volleyball in her g-string!

Next favourite place is the beauty salon, where she can be peeled, wrapped, exfoliated, manicured, pedicured, colonically irrigated and waxed to an inch of her life (and they are only the ones I've heard about!). Following that is the specialist centre for the coiff - the hairdressers. Some women go on a weekly basis, despite the fact that they are hideously overcharged for the privilege. Still, anything to look good, eh?

Of course, the winner had to be the shops - where most women would spent their all their waking hours if possible. Ideally visited with a friend (so that they can assure each other that they look absolutely fabulous in everything), these money pits act like the flame to a moth. Where else is she going to find that killer outfit to go with her new lipstick or add to her collection of 300 pairs of shoes?!

And guys, don't think that all this preening is for your benefit, because it isn't. It's for the ultra-competitive world of bitchy females!

Favourite places - men

This chart shows some of a man's favourite places and the components that make it so enjoyable for him. It does differ from the woman's list somewhat! First up is the restaurant where a man can eat his his favourite meal ('other' on chart above) while ogling at the waitresses. Best enjoyed with a couple of mates and washed down with beer. Next up is the sports arena where he can support his favourite team ('other' on chart above). Not many chicks to ogle at, but he can usually drink beer with his mates either before or during the game. Americans have an advantage here because they have cheerleaders!

The first of the big 3 is the trusty bar, where a man can hang out with his mates, drink beer and ogle at chicks. You can even watch sports on the big TVs ('other' on chart above). Does it get any better than this? Yes it does, because you have the strip club where he can do all of the above (except watch sports on TV), but the women are (almost) naked!

Besting even the strip club is the humble beach. Much the same as above, but the beer is much cheaper, there's no cover charge and a man can get a tan! You can even go for a swim or play games ('other' in chart above) between ogle sessions. Downsides are melanomas and the chicks aren't as slutty, although this does depend on the beach!

Internet descriptions - male

Compared to women, men on the Internet can lie about just about everything. Nothing is sacred - their height, weight, age, looks, hair situation, marital status, complexion, build, financial status, occupation and just about any other trait you can think of. Everything is fluid and can be adapted to woo a particular Internet prey.

As the diagram above shows, it really is caveat emptor* for ladies on-line! Of course there are genuine and/or attractive blokes in cyberspace, but it's hard to find them, outnumbered as they are by the cowboys, chancers, perverts and married guys looking for "fun"!

Some people on the net are lucky that they aren't arrested for fraud! I don't know if the short, bald, fat, old guy thinks the woman won't notice when they finally meet that he isn't young, tall, dark and handsome as claimed. I guess there are insecurities there and the forlorn hope is that she might overlook the "little" lie and see the real man within.

Corny as it sounds, I think that honest really is the best policy on-line. What kind of relationship starts off with a lie? One that's trying to get someone into bed, perhaps! If it's a longer term arrangement that you're after, it's best to use a recent picture and a realistic self appraisal and let the chips fall where they may. After all, you do ultimately want a person to like you for the real you, not an idealised, fictitious version of you.

*Buyer beware!

Internet descriptions - female

Further to the post on Internet dating, unfortunately one really must take profiles on Internet dating sites, chat rooms, social networking sites, instant messaging systems and the like with a large pinch of salt. For men, this means adding about a stone (14 pounds or 6.4kgs) to a woman's claimed weight and usually downgrading their claimed appearance by about one notch. This leads to a lot of disappointment when meeting women off the Internet. Men tend to be shallow, visual creatures, after all.

This is displayed in the mapping diagram above. On the left hand side, the body mappings are shown. Let's face it - a lot of women tell porkies about their weight. Sure, there are gym buffed and honest ladies in cyberspace, but a lot of women seem to be misleading about their actual body type.

The right hand side of the diagram above shows the appearance mappings. Again, this tends to be exaggerated somewhat on profiles, so it's best to be sceptical. Again, occasionally you do see bona fide hot chicks on profiles, but by and large you'd have to question why they need to use the Internet at all. The answer, you'll find in most cases, is to lure you to their web site where they are waiting for you (or more specifically, your credit card!).

If they are over about 35, you might as well add about 5 years on to their purported ages for good measure! I've seen some very suspect "35" year old female profiles in my time, I can tell you! Or maybe I'm just ageing extremely well!

Whether it's self-delusion or deliberate obfuscation, it's never nice to be sold a bum steer! But however bad women may be on the honesty front, they pale in comparison to their male counterparts!

Out of sight, out of mind

Following on from the post on long distance romances, another well known problem with parted couples is the wandering eye. Granted, this is a more of an issue with the male of the species. Indeed, some guys probably jump into Internet chat rooms looking for "fun" when their other half nips down to the shop!

The graph above shows this phenomenon for both males and females. As the distance between the couple increases, the likelihood of one (or both!) of the partners "playing away from home" follows suit. A lot of men separated from their women by a large distance would be at least tempted to avail of an available opportunity. Before you gals get on your high horse, you are not entirely without sin in this regard either. Just watch the film "Up in the Air"* for proof of this!

This is why you should never agree to your partner going on a sun holiday with the girls/lads!


*George Clooney stars in it and it's a good movie, so it shouldn't be too onerous to watch it!

Underwear evolution - women

Unlike their male counterparts, the amount of material used in female underwear has been steadily decreasing over the last number of centuries. Indeed, so much so that, short of going commando, this trend unfortunately can not keep continuing and must level off. Thus, we are left with an exponential decrease, as shown in the graph above. For direct comparisons with men, bras are not included in this treatise, despite the growing number of men who need them!

Back in the middle ages, a potential suitor would need a machete to hack through the layers of chemises, smocks, petticoats and the like that a woman used as underwear. This cornucopia of genital attire possible doubled as a chastity belt of sorts! By the early 1900s, this mercifully had been whittled down to mere bloomers. The trend continued through to bikini style briefs and the g-string - surely the acme of female underwear design!!!

I have noticed that the string nature of modern women's underwear would appear to the untrained male eye to be giving them constant wedgies! While this would seem to be most uncomfortable to a man, the absence of "undercarriage" does have to be factored in! Unfortunately, most of this empirical evidence has been gathered from VPL (visible panty lines) and not, err, investigations in the field!