Is your boyfriend gay?

There are few things more devastating for a woman than finding out that her man is gay. Not only has she deal with the fact that she might be responsible for turning him off the fairer sex, but worse, he was probably the perfect man. He was loving, he was romantic. He was an emotional and sensitive soul who loved to talk about his feelings. He adored shopping and had an innate sense of style. He was perfectly groomed, liked all the TV shows you did and probably peed sitting down. Finding out that he batted for the other team probably destroyed her confidence in herself and probably in men also. Obviously, ladies, this must be avoided at all costs.

It is therefore very important to spot the warning signs early on and thus avoid the terrible anguish resulting from a late realisation. In some cultures (West of Ireland and probably Australian), simply owning an umbrella used to be reason enough for suspicions of a man's sexuality. However, the rise of the metrosexual and increased female influence has blurred the boundaries somewhat in today's world.

The Venn diagram above offers some possible pointers for the concerned girlfriend. Now, if any of the items listed above strikes a chord with you, there should be some cause for concern. There is no need to panic though unless there is a combination of items from 2 different areas (regions 1, 2, and 3 in the diagram). If your man exhibits characteristics from all 3 areas (region 4 above), you need to get your GAYDAR recalibrated!

It all started when I was a child....

If you grew up in the perfect family with the perfect parents who loved you unconditionally and encouraged you in everything that you did, chances are that you will be confident in your adult life. However, if you didn't grow up on Walton's mountain, you probably won't be quite as sure of yourself as you would like.

From a dating point of view, if, for example, you were a geek growing up, suffered from acne or were chubby, chances are that you will never have high self-confidence when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. As the graph above shows, the more severe your problems were, the less confident you will be as an adult.

Even if you lose the glasses and/or the weight and now have the complexion of a supermodel, the scars from your formative years will probably continue to haunt you throughout your life. Maybe counselling is the answer - if Tony Soprano can do it, then so can you! Alternatively, you could stew in your own morass - that's worked well so far, hasn't it?!

Men and women as friends

Yes, this post is about the old chestnut - can women and men really be friends? Well, yes they can, but only if they don't fancy each other! Otherwise, as Harry says in the official movie for this blog*, "the sex part always gets in the way"! This is illustrated in the graph above, which shows that the chances of being friends is inversely proportional to how much attraction is felt between the pair.

Now, in that film scene, Harry goes on to claim that a guy can't be friends with any woman, but I don't agree with that. In fact, as the "Platonic Kid" (one of the many nicknames bestowed upon me by my best mate!), I am living proof that you can indeed be friends with members of the fairer sex. However, problems can arise during the course of the friendship if one party starts looking at their counterpart in a different light. This can result in a great relationship if both parties are similarly disposed to the idea, but can end in embarrassing disaster if the feelings are not reciprocated.

All in all, despite that possible elephant trap, having friends of the opposite gender is great (unless, of course, you are a nice guy and it has been forced upon you!). How else can you possibly figure out what the current object of your affection is thinking or why they are doing what they are doing? Asking your buddy can often give you valuable insight into the mysterious mind of the opposite sex!


*"When Harry Met Sally"

Telephone usage

Another difference between the sexes is in telephone usage. As shown in the chart above, telephone calls among men friends tend to be a lot shorter than those between women. A guy will ring up his mate and have a conversation like:

Guy A: Hey Scooter, how's it going?
Guy B: Not bad, Fat Lad. What's up?
Guy A: A few of the lads are heading out to the local later. You interested?
Guy B: Sure. What time?
Guy A: About 9pm. See you then, Dipstick.
Guy B: OK, Knucklehead. Bye.

That's pretty representative of a telephone conversation between males - short and to the point. Phones are a tool for passing short messages, nothing more. Women, on the other hand see the phone as a Godsend. If they don't have anyone to communicate with physically, they can call up a friend and discuss at length the minutiae of everything! This can happen even if they have just been with that individual. I don't have the time or energy to describe a typical telephone conversation between women! Suffice it to say that the length of the transcript would approach that of "War and Peace"!

Approaching good looking women

The graph above shows that the better looking a woman is, the harder it is to score with her. Occasionally, you hear stories about beautiful women frightening so many men off that they are actually easier to score with, but I'd like the Mythbusters team to investigate that one! Most men will know from bitter experience what happens when they approach someone out of their league!

The problem is that the number of times a woman is hit on in a pub/club (or indeed on the Internet when a picture is supplied) is directly proportional to her looks, that is to say:

F(H) ∝ B

where

H = the frequency with which a woman gets hit on
B = how beautiful she is

So, while a plain Jane or a fat lass might be so delighted with some rare male attention that she laps up your patter (no matter how pathetic!), a good looking woman has heard it ALL before. So, unless you look like Brad Pitt's younger brother, you're going to have to change tack for success with a hottie.

Not that I can give advice on this matter, but I would imagine that an unorthodox approach would be more likely to bear fruit. Possible plans of attack include using humour to pretend that you are hot (when you are obviously not) or pretend that she is not hot (when she obviously is). Then again, going up and saying hello might work just as well (see above!). It's hard to know with that lot!

Bathroom contents

The chart above shows how many items the average person in each category has in his or her bathroom. Your average bloke has the bare essentials and that's about it. This will include soap, toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, shaving foam, deodorant, comb, aftershave, shampoo and possibly dental floss, hair gel and the like.

The metrosexual will add items like tweezers, moisturisers and grooming products to the bathroom mix. Gay men tend to look after themselves even better than metrosexuals, so I postulate that there is a plethora of additional products in their bathrooms!

All men, however, pale in comparison to women when it comes to stocking up the bathroom. They have a veritable alchemist's wonderland of potions, powders, creams and sprays for practically every part of the anatomy in there! In addition, there are various brushes, cloths, pumice stones, loofahs, cotton pads/buds, emery boards and other mechanical (and electrical if you're in the US) devices to shape/manage various body parts. It's a wonder they fit everything in there!

Male prowess over time

Hair isn't the only thing that disappears from a man as he gets older. Even worse, as the graph above shows, his libido starts to go AWOL as he ages. It's not all bad news however; as noted in the post on male sexual lifespan, this heinous inevitability can be alleviated somewhat by Viagra and the like. This chemical boost is not displayed in the graph for the sake of clarity.

The graph does show that while physically a man flags as he ages, his experience as a Romeo increases. It probably tapers off more after about 60, but you get the idea. So girls, no need to fret if you are shackled to an aging beast! Men are at their physical peak when they have the least know how, patience and control. Who designed us like that and why?! Older guys, while not having as much pep in their step, more than make up for it in other departments. They are usually more patient (mostly to disguise the flagging libido!) and much more likely to know where everything is and what they are at.

Looking at the graph, ladies, the optimum time for a man would appear to be when he is in his forties. This is roughly where the two lines intersect above (where the combined characteristics are maximised). At this point in life, you have him before his powers start to seriously wane and while he should have a wealth of experience to draw upon. It is only a coincidence that I am approaching that age bracket!

Hair today, gone tomorrow

If there's one thing that men find hard to cope with, it's turning into a slaphead. As the graph above shows, his anxiety increases as coverage on top decreases. Let's face it, unless you've a noggin like Jean-Luc Picard*, baldness is not going to suit you. Worse again, it can be perceived as a lack of virility or youthfulness. Since every guy's coverage decreases to some extent as he gets older, this anxiety affects every guy sooner or later. If it's not the classic male pattern baldness (monk's ring and rapid receding of forehead, destined to eventually meet!), it's the gradual heightening of the forehead and slow thinning of the mane.

While you can have some sympathy for guys losing their thatch early in life, if you make it to 50 before things get bad, you've had a pretty good innings! However bad it is for guys though, hair loss for the small minority of women that suffer from it must be insufferable. At least guys have many "cue ball comrades" and it is socially acceptable for them to be follicularly challenged.

Unfortunately, the snake oil on the Internet, the expensive drug regimens and the arse hair transplants don't really work that well, so you may as well just save your cash and accept it, I'm afraid. If you're a man, for God's sake don't:

• have a wispy, isolated island on your forehead. Shave it off.
• use a comb over. That fools no one and just makes you look silly/sad.
• wear a rug. Even if you spend a lot of money, they do not look good (Elton John anyone?!). You may as well plonk a bush on your head.
• wear a hat constantly regardless of temperature, location or occasion (e.g. The Edge!).
  

Instead, you should wear your shiny dome with pride. You can console yourself that your lack of cranial insulation really is due to an excess of testosterone!

*Captain of the Starship Enterprise in Star Trek: The Next Generation, played by Patrick Stewart.

Bottomless pits - women's handbags

A major advantage for women is the amount of stuff that they can cart around with them. We don't mind so much as we have the advantage of not having to give birth! As the chart above shows, men carry about 6 items with them but women must have at least 100! While men are limited to what they can stuff into their pockets, women seem to have everything bar the kitchen sink packed into their handbags! The average man would have the following on him:

• Keys
• Wallet
• Phone
• Comb
• Snot rag
• Miscellaneous item - e.g. chewing gum, glasses etc.
  

All these items would usually be stuffed down the trouser pockets. If Mae West was alive today, she would probably say "Is that a mobile phone in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"! At night or during colder weather, a man can wear a jacket which at least doubles his load capacity. Women, on the other hand, carry the following in their handbags:

• Keys
• Purse
• Phone(s)
• Hair brush(es)
  
• Make up kit - lipstick, moisturiser, foundation, mascara, eye shadow etc
• Mirror
• Tissues
• Emergency preening kit - lip gloss, nail clippers, emery board, hair dye sachet, body/hand lotion etc.
• Spare tights (pantyhose)
  
• Emergency medical kit - flu remedy, headache tablets, diuretics, laxatives, lip balm, cold sore medication etc.
• Spare "woman stuff"
• Breath freshener - chewing gum, mints, mouthwash or breath spray
• Cigarettes, if applicable
• Snack
• Bottled water (or something stronger, if applicable!)
• Correspondence - letters, bills etc.
• Stationary
• Numerous pens/pencils
• Address book
• Cheque book
• Reading glasses/sunglasses
• Perfume
• Various certificates - driving licence, medical cards, identity cards etc.
• MP3 player
  

This is obviously not an exhaustive list, but it is indicative of the contents of the average woman's handbag! With a load like that to lug around, you'd think going to the gym wouldn't be necessary!

Control freak - female

So, we've seen what the men like to control, but what about the ladies? Well, the chart above shows the main items that they like dominion over. I've discussed each of these in previous posts, but this one brings them all together nicely.

Women own the vast majority of the shoes in any household, so shoe care products will obviously be their jurisdiction! They also like to control the inclination of the toilet seat for some reason, with the down position being very, very important to them. What woman doesn't like giving the family credit card a good bashing? Since she does most of the shopping, the little plastic wonder card will usually be under her control.

Being a talkative bunch by nature, women enjoy controlling the interrogations, sorry, conversations with their partners. Questions will be posed, information will be elicited and meaningful dialogue expected. Given the fact that they preen so much, females also tend to hog the mirrors/bathrooms in any house. God help you if you have a lot of girls - you better have a strong bladder!

The number one thing that a woman likes to exert influence over is her poor, long suffering partner! Most women will boss their man around, given half a chance. Funnily enough, I have found that the bossier they are, the more they hate being called "Boss"! Once she has shaped you physically, the mental molding will begin in earnest. Be strong, my friend. This must be nipped in the bud at all costs to preserve your self-respect and her respect for you.

Control freak - male

In order to express his manliness in the modern world, there are certain things that the male of the species feels he must take charge of. As shown in the chart above, these tasks include base male tasks such as the provision of food (barbecue), shelter (DIY) and transport (car). While men like to take over all the items in the chart above, they are ranked roughly in frequency of use*.

What man would let his woman control the barbie when his friends are over? About the same number who don't reckon they could put up those shelves or put on that extension as well as any builder! Any digital cameras, PCs, audio systems, mobile phones, DVD players etc. around the house? You can be almost guaranteed that it's the guy who tinkers with them with the most. After all, unlike women, men never stop playing with toys; they just get more expensive as he grows older!

Almost every modern man in a long term relationship uses his garage (US) or garden shed as a last bastion of masculinity in an increasingly feminine world. In this refuge from the pressures of everyday life, the man can happily potter about, drink beer (or smoke) on the QT, work on his current DIY project or dream of days gone by!

No man wants to feel emasculated by having his woman drive him around. Hell, he probably doesn't like her driving the car even when he's not in it. After all, it's probably the most expensive gadget they own! Of paramount importance to a man however, is "TV remote control control"! Unless he wants to be consigned to a life of soap operas and interior design shows, he must assert himself by establishing control of the remote early on in the relationship! Should he lose this pivotal battle, it's probably only a matter of time before he's peeing sitting down!


*Except for the barbie mad Australians, of course!

Love is blind

We've all seen (or even done it!) at some stage. Your friend (or worse, a family member) has met a complete user, but has fallen so head over heels in love that s/he can't see the obvious. As the graph above shows, the more rose tinted the love goggles, the more common sense goes out the window! In extreme cases, Jack the Ripper would be seen by the lovestruck as a "cut above the rest" and Hannibal Lecter a man with a healthy appetite!

This scenario has been the staple of soap operas for years but unfortunately it also happens in real life. As a concerned friend, this leaves you in quite a pickle. You don't want to seem unsupportive or risk the almost inevitable "why can't you be happy for me for once?"/"you're just jealous that I've met someone"/"no one I meet is ever good enough" retorts. However, a true friend knows what to do. When the blinkers eventually come off (and they will), your intentions will be belatedly appreciated.

Ex-tremely annoying!

If there's one thing you shouldn't do in a relationship, it's harp on about your ex-partner. This is particularly true if you tend to bang on about how brilliant s/he was. However, even mentioning him/her in a negative light shows your current squeeze that you are still thinking about your ex-beloved. As the graph above shows, the more the ex-lover is mentioned, the less likely your relationship will work out. After all, you'd hardly want to go out with someone who was in love with someone else, now would you?

No man wants to hear any of the following about his predecessor:

1. How rich he was
2. What a nice car he had
3. What a great career he had
4. How well built/strong he was
5. How he could have been a porn star (huge no-no!)
   
6. How full his head of hair was
7. How tall he was
   
8. How romantic he was
9. How good he was in bed
10. How thoughtful he was
11. What great holidays he brought you on
12. What great presents he bought you
13. How he treated you like a princess
14. How you used to talk together for hours on end
15. How he always let you have the TV remote control
    

And no woman would be pleased to hear any of the following about her predecessor:

1. How nubile she was
   
2. What big boobs she had
3. How pert her ass looked in anything she wore (huge no-no!)
4. How she always let you do that to her in bed
5. How rich her daddy was
6. How good she looked first thing in the morning
7. That she didn't need to wear makeup
8. How young (looking) she was
9. How beautiful she was
10. What a great figure she had
11. How well dressed she always was
12. How great she looked in a bikini
13. How much your mother adored her
14. How much she used to eat without ever gaining weight
15. How she waited on you hand and foot
    

So, to maximise the chances of success in your current relationship, it's best to keep it zipped about your previous amour. There is one exception to this rule - you want to engineer a sympathy inducing dumping. In this case, feel free to sprinkle your conversations with copious glowing references to your ex-. If that doesn't induce relationship ending arguments, it's hard to see what will!