Underwear evolution - women

Unlike their male counterparts, the amount of material used in female underwear has been steadily decreasing over the last number of centuries. Indeed, so much so that, short of going commando, this trend unfortunately can not keep continuing and must level off. Thus, we are left with an exponential decrease, as shown in the graph above. For direct comparisons with men, bras are not included in this treatise, despite the growing number of men who need them!

Back in the middle ages, a potential suitor would need a machete to hack through the layers of chemises, smocks, petticoats and the like that a woman used as underwear. This cornucopia of genital attire possible doubled as a chastity belt of sorts! By the early 1900s, this mercifully had been whittled down to mere bloomers. The trend continued through to bikini style briefs and the g-string - surely the acme of female underwear design!!!

I have noticed that the string nature of modern women's underwear would appear to the untrained male eye to be giving them constant wedgies! While this would seem to be most uncomfortable to a man, the absence of "undercarriage" does have to be factored in! Unfortunately, most of this empirical evidence has been gathered from VPL (visible panty lines) and not, err, investigations in the field!

Underwear evolution - men

The variation in the amount of material used in male underwear (also known as jocks, kacks, smalls etc.) down through the centuries to the present day turns out to be sinusoidal in nature. This is shown in the graph above, where the most popular type of male undergarment from medieval times onwards is displayed.

Back in the Middle Ages, men wore convoluted kacks called a braie. This usually came with a codpiece, which was a zipper of sorts for, err, easy access! Fast forward to the 1800s and you had long johns, a full body suit, again with flaps (front and back this time!) for convenience. In the 20th century, underwear shrank at a rate of knots with boxers first becoming popular in the 1930s. Briefs started at much the same time but became popular later on, thankfully marking the minimum amount of fabric used in popular male kacks (Peter Stringfellow et al take note: g-strings should not be worn by men!).

Funnily enough, boxers and their derivatives have become very popular again in the past number of years, causing the final upturn in the graph above. This is probably due to their reputation for being roomier and being easier to access, although at the expense of support for the two veg! It may be a periodic sinusoid so perhaps we'll have to dust off those codpieces soon!

Who said this blog wasn't educational?!

Mind mapping - male

I know us guys aren't perfect, but at least we're far more straightforward in this respect than our female counterparts. We generally keep things simple by saying what we mean! This is illustrated in the diagram above.

Thus, refreshingly, "yes" means "yes" when asked a question by a woman that involves some sort of sexual activity. And the answer will usually be "yes", as we are only big bags of testosterone after all. Occasionally, if you're strong willed and want to tease or in the lucky situation of being in a short inter-orgasmic period, you might play for time with a "maybe" answer. If the answer is "no", call the doctor because something serious must be wrong with him!

Mind Mapping - Female

Yes, chaps, it's the dreaded "does that no really mean no?" quandary. You've asked your beloved a delicate question, but unfortunately you're none the wiser after her answer. As the chart above shows, her answer could mean just about anything! It is still good manners to ask though, regardless of the confusion that will ensue.

If she said "no" to, say, your polite request of nookie, does this mean "not even when hell freezes over" or "not now, but ask me again in 5 minutes and we'll see"? If she replied "maybe", does this mean she's buying time to safeguard her virtue and with a little more spadework you'll be in there? Or, is it to let you down easier in the not too distance future? Even "yes" answers aren't safe, especially if you've been silly enough to ask a negative question. Sometimes, there's a statute of limitations on "yes" answers you make the mistake of thinking that one little "yes" is a carte blanche thereafter. So guys, best not to assume anything! I think the great man himself, Meatloaf, warbled it best in his song Where the rubber meets the road - "Yes means no means yes means no".

This uncertainty is one of the main reasons men use persistence when chasing women. Every man has had a woman flip on him at some stage, with a "no" magically transforming in to a "yes" and many pleasurable shenanigans ensuing. This is why when a guy comes up against a real "no", the women is often perplexed by his continued dedication to the case. Well, you only have yourselves to blame, I'm afraid!

The probability of finding available women

The ladies have had their Reilly equation*. Now it's the guys' turn! The above graphic shows the Reilly equation for calculating the number of women that are available to you, the single (or cheating!) man. It takes important factors such as the population density of where you live, your personal characteristics and your stamina for playing the field into consideration.

Typical approximate values for the terms in the equation are:

R*=3,350,000,000 - half the world's population.
fa=0.0000149 - assuming you live in a city of 100,000 people, half of whom are female.
fo=0.20 - discount the too young, the too old, the happily married etc.
M= 0.6 - normalised to between 0.1 (no pot to piss in) and 1.0 (millionaire and above). 0.6 equates to doing all right for yourself.
C= 0.5 - normalised to between 0.1 (shrinking violet) and 0.9 (you da man). 0.5 equates to a happy medium between shy and cocky.
A=0.5 - normalised to between 0.1 (Quasimodo) and 0.9 (Adonis). 0.5 equates to not frightening anyone with your visage.
P=0.5 - normalised to between 0.1 (accountant) and 0.8 (life and soul of the party). 0.5 equates to a person who doesn't train spot as a hobby.
L=0.4 - normalised to between 0.0 (agoraphobic) and 0.8 (party animal). 0.4 equates to a person who socialises normally.

Solving for N, the number of available women to this average Joe, gives about 300. An even worse return than for the ladies from a large enough city. However, you too can improve your odds. Try moving to Tokyo or Mexico City, reading a joke book, having plastic surgery, selling your TV and/or robbing a bank!


**As before, based on the Drake equation used to estimate the number of detectable extraterrestrial civilizations in our Milky Way galaxy!

The probability of finding available men

The above graphic shows the Reilly equation** for calculating the number of men that are available to you, the single (or cheating!) woman. It takes important factors such as the population density of where you live, your personal characteristics and your stamina for playing the field into consideration.

Typical approximate values for the terms in the equation are:

R*=3,350,000,000 - half the world's population.
fa=0.0000149 - assuming you live in a city of 100,000 people, half of whom are male.
fo=0.40 - discount the too young, the too old, the odd faithful man etc.
fb= 1 - normalised to between 0.0 (all dead) and 1.0 (all alive).
S= 0.6 - normalised to between 0.1 (fried eggs) and 0.9 (Lolo Ferrari). 0.6 equates to what our American brethren call a nice rack.
B=0.5 - normalised to between 0.2 (Ginger Rogers) and 0.8 (Marilyn Monroe).
H=0.5 - normalised to between 0.1 (babe, the pig) and 0.8 (hot babe). 0.5 equates to an attractive gal.
D=0.6 - normalised to between 0.2 (nun) and 0.9 (slut). 0.6 equates to a person tasteful, but alluring.
L=0.4 - normalised to between 0.0 (agoraphobic) and 0.8 (party animal). 0.4 equates to a person who socialises normally.

Solving for N, the number of available men to this average Jane, gives about 720. Not a great return from a largish city. Time to improve your man pool by moving to Tokyo or Mexico City, having plastic surgery, dyeing your hair, selling the TV and/or showing more cleavage!

Note: Negligible factors for men when they are out on the prowl, such as personality, are excluded from the equation.

**Based on the Drake equation used to estimate the number of detectable extraterrestrial civilizations in our Milky Way galaxy!

Ready, steady, wait

Of all the things that annoy men about women, getting ready for a night out must be up there just behind sudden headaches! And God help you, brother, if it's a swanky do that you are going to! And God help you even more if you're a stickler for punctuality! It doesn't seem to matter what time they start preparations at, because they never are ready on time. This means that you will be invariably be late for whatever you're going to. In addition, she'll probably hijack the rear view mirror for further adjustments en route.

The graph above shows the preparation times for an engagement with a 9pm kick off. The woman will start taking over the bathroom at about 6pm, bathing, preening and applying various lotions and creams. Then her entire wardrobe will have to be searched for the perfect combination of clothes and accessories. You are obliged to say that she looks wonderful in everything and avoid suggesting one particular outfit for fear that it implies another doesn't look good on her (or worse, implies that her arse look big in it)!

While the first few hours of this is going on you are watching TV while dispensing the aforementioned affirmations and under constant nagging to get ready yourself. Eventually, about 8.15, you get your ass in gear and after a quick shower, shave, tussle of the hair and 30 second rummage in the wardrobe, you're ready to go in about 15-30 minutes. This time maybe shortened if you had shaved/showered earlier in the day or lengthened if you have a "you're not wearing THAT, are you?" comment from herself!

What guys think they are good at

There are certain things that guys think that they do well. The most important of these things are displayed in the chart above. There is some correlation with the things men like to control, but this is to be expected. After all, why would you want to take the reins at some endeavour if you thought you were no good at it?

A lot of blokes think they can fix anything around the house, be it electrical, mechanical, electronic or structural. Usually they end up making things much worse and when an expert is finally called in, he has to be paid to undo their 'fixes' also! Give a guy a large fork and a barbecue and suddenly he thinks he's Gordon Ramsey, even if he usually turns out to be an ambassador for botulism!

I have never met a guy who thinks he can't play poker well. Even if he is complete pants and is easier to read than the alphabet, it's always Lady Luck's fault when he fails at the table! Consequently, we all think we could make a living as a professional poker player. Mind you, travelling the world playing cards, winning huge wads of cash, sleeping in late and impressing the ladies with our sharp play - what's not to like? Hell, I might give it a shot myself!

As alluded to in a previous post, men always think they can find their way anywhere. All they need is their trusty map and they can find anywhere. Even if the map is years out of date and/or partially missing. Like when fixing stuff, instead of seeking help early, they use their "special abilities" and usually end up getting even more hopelessly lost! Behind the wheel of a car, every guy is Michael Schumacher, without the chin and the cash! When we look at a Formula 1 race, we think that we could do that, if we were as poxy as those guys who got the chance! Every man thinks he drives smoothly, gracefully and safely, no matter how maniacal he may be in the cockpit!

However, of all the things that men think they do well, pleasing the ladies must be number one! Between the sheets, we're all Casanovas who can induce ecstasy in our partner at will. We know what buttons to press and when. We are a potent combination of porn star and Dr. Kinsey! The reality is somewhat different, as you ladies will attest. Mind you, you're only helping to perpetuate this particular myth every time you do a "Sally"!!!!

Is your girlfriend a lesbian?

Have you ever noticed your girlfriend checking out another chick? Cool, eh? Well, maybe not if she exhibits too many of the characteristics listed in the diagram above. As in the previous companion post, it's time to start getting worried/excited if there are multiple bells ringing for you now! You may dream of that kinky threesome, but even if that unlikely scenario came to pass, you can expect to be frozen out of the equation. If the two women had any tendencies in that direction, who do you think they would focus on - you or the other woman?

The dynamic between straight men and gay women is very different from that between straight women and gay men. Men do not hang out with butch lesbians for a start. They would be afraid that they'd be challenged to an arm wrestle....and lose. Besides, there's ultimately nothing in it for the man as she is not "butter side up"*! In addition, a lot of butch lesbians hate men, which to be honest, doesn't bother us guys a whole lot!

Another difference is that while a lot of women think that what gay guys get up to is, err, not pleasant, the concept of lesbianism is very exciting for most guys! Hence male porn is full of hot chicks getting it on together (I hear!), while female porn (if there is such a thing) probably has guys in aprons doing the housework while listening intently to your problems!


* a euphemism for straight, from the cult comedy Red Dwarf!

Is your boyfriend gay?

There are few things more devastating for a woman than finding out that her man is gay. Not only has she deal with the fact that she might be responsible for turning him off the fairer sex, but worse, he was probably the perfect man. He was loving, he was romantic. He was an emotional and sensitive soul who loved to talk about his feelings. He adored shopping and had an innate sense of style. He was perfectly groomed, liked all the TV shows you did and probably peed sitting down. Finding out that he batted for the other team probably destroyed her confidence in herself and probably in men also. Obviously, ladies, this must be avoided at all costs.

It is therefore very important to spot the warning signs early on and thus avoid the terrible anguish resulting from a late realisation. In some cultures (West of Ireland and probably Australian), simply owning an umbrella used to be reason enough for suspicions of a man's sexuality. However, the rise of the metrosexual and increased female influence has blurred the boundaries somewhat in today's world.

The Venn diagram above offers some possible pointers for the concerned girlfriend. Now, if any of the items listed above strikes a chord with you, there should be some cause for concern. There is no need to panic though unless there is a combination of items from 2 different areas (regions 1, 2, and 3 in the diagram). If your man exhibits characteristics from all 3 areas (region 4 above), you need to get your GAYDAR recalibrated!

It all started when I was a child....

If you grew up in the perfect family with the perfect parents who loved you unconditionally and encouraged you in everything that you did, chances are that you will be confident in your adult life. However, if you didn't grow up on Walton's mountain, you probably won't be quite as sure of yourself as you would like.

From a dating point of view, if, for example, you were a geek growing up, suffered from acne or were chubby, chances are that you will never have high self-confidence when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. As the graph above shows, the more severe your problems were, the less confident you will be as an adult.

Even if you lose the glasses and/or the weight and now have the complexion of a supermodel, the scars from your formative years will probably continue to haunt you throughout your life. Maybe counselling is the answer - if Tony Soprano can do it, then so can you! Alternatively, you could stew in your own morass - that's worked well so far, hasn't it?!

Men and women as friends

Yes, this post is about the old chestnut - can women and men really be friends? Well, yes they can, but only if they don't fancy each other! Otherwise, as Harry says in the official movie for this blog*, "the sex part always gets in the way"! This is illustrated in the graph above, which shows that the chances of being friends is inversely proportional to how much attraction is felt between the pair.

Now, in that film scene, Harry goes on to claim that a guy can't be friends with any woman, but I don't agree with that. In fact, as the "Platonic Kid" (one of the many nicknames bestowed upon me by my best mate!), I am living proof that you can indeed be friends with members of the fairer sex. However, problems can arise during the course of the friendship if one party starts looking at their counterpart in a different light. This can result in a great relationship if both parties are similarly disposed to the idea, but can end in embarrassing disaster if the feelings are not reciprocated.

All in all, despite that possible elephant trap, having friends of the opposite gender is great (unless, of course, you are a nice guy and it has been forced upon you!). How else can you possibly figure out what the current object of your affection is thinking or why they are doing what they are doing? Asking your buddy can often give you valuable insight into the mysterious mind of the opposite sex!


*"When Harry Met Sally"

Telephone usage

Another difference between the sexes is in telephone usage. As shown in the chart above, telephone calls among men friends tend to be a lot shorter than those between women. A guy will ring up his mate and have a conversation like:

Guy A: Hey Scooter, how's it going?
Guy B: Not bad, Fat Lad. What's up?
Guy A: A few of the lads are heading out to the local later. You interested?
Guy B: Sure. What time?
Guy A: About 9pm. See you then, Dipstick.
Guy B: OK, Knucklehead. Bye.

That's pretty representative of a telephone conversation between males - short and to the point. Phones are a tool for passing short messages, nothing more. Women, on the other hand see the phone as a Godsend. If they don't have anyone to communicate with physically, they can call up a friend and discuss at length the minutiae of everything! This can happen even if they have just been with that individual. I don't have the time or energy to describe a typical telephone conversation between women! Suffice it to say that the length of the transcript would approach that of "War and Peace"!

Approaching good looking women

The graph above shows that the better looking a woman is, the harder it is to score with her. Occasionally, you hear stories about beautiful women frightening so many men off that they are actually easier to score with, but I'd like the Mythbusters team to investigate that one! Most men will know from bitter experience what happens when they approach someone out of their league!

The problem is that the number of times a woman is hit on in a pub/club (or indeed on the Internet when a picture is supplied) is directly proportional to her looks, that is to say:

F(H) ∝ B

where

H = the frequency with which a woman gets hit on
B = how beautiful she is

So, while a plain Jane or a fat lass might be so delighted with some rare male attention that she laps up your patter (no matter how pathetic!), a good looking woman has heard it ALL before. So, unless you look like Brad Pitt's younger brother, you're going to have to change tack for success with a hottie.

Not that I can give advice on this matter, but I would imagine that an unorthodox approach would be more likely to bear fruit. Possible plans of attack include using humour to pretend that you are hot (when you are obviously not) or pretend that she is not hot (when she obviously is). Then again, going up and saying hello might work just as well (see above!). It's hard to know with that lot!

Bathroom contents

The chart above shows how many items the average person in each category has in his or her bathroom. Your average bloke has the bare essentials and that's about it. This will include soap, toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, shaving foam, deodorant, comb, aftershave, shampoo and possibly dental floss, hair gel and the like.

The metrosexual will add items like tweezers, moisturisers and grooming products to the bathroom mix. Gay men tend to look after themselves even better than metrosexuals, so I postulate that there is a plethora of additional products in their bathrooms!

All men, however, pale in comparison to women when it comes to stocking up the bathroom. They have a veritable alchemist's wonderland of potions, powders, creams and sprays for practically every part of the anatomy in there! In addition, there are various brushes, cloths, pumice stones, loofahs, cotton pads/buds, emery boards and other mechanical (and electrical if you're in the US) devices to shape/manage various body parts. It's a wonder they fit everything in there!

Male prowess over time

Hair isn't the only thing that disappears from a man as he gets older. Even worse, as the graph above shows, his libido starts to go AWOL as he ages. It's not all bad news however; as noted in the post on male sexual lifespan, this heinous inevitability can be alleviated somewhat by Viagra and the like. This chemical boost is not displayed in the graph for the sake of clarity.

The graph does show that while physically a man flags as he ages, his experience as a Romeo increases. It probably tapers off more after about 60, but you get the idea. So girls, no need to fret if you are shackled to an aging beast! Men are at their physical peak when they have the least know how, patience and control. Who designed us like that and why?! Older guys, while not having as much pep in their step, more than make up for it in other departments. They are usually more patient (mostly to disguise the flagging libido!) and much more likely to know where everything is and what they are at.

Looking at the graph, ladies, the optimum time for a man would appear to be when he is in his forties. This is roughly where the two lines intersect above (where the combined characteristics are maximised). At this point in life, you have him before his powers start to seriously wane and while he should have a wealth of experience to draw upon. It is only a coincidence that I am approaching that age bracket!

Hair today, gone tomorrow

If there's one thing that men find hard to cope with, it's turning into a slaphead. As the graph above shows, his anxiety increases as coverage on top decreases. Let's face it, unless you've a noggin like Jean-Luc Picard*, baldness is not going to suit you. Worse again, it can be perceived as a lack of virility or youthfulness. Since every guy's coverage decreases to some extent as he gets older, this anxiety affects every guy sooner or later. If it's not the classic male pattern baldness (monk's ring and rapid receding of forehead, destined to eventually meet!), it's the gradual heightening of the forehead and slow thinning of the mane.

While you can have some sympathy for guys losing their thatch early in life, if you make it to 50 before things get bad, you've had a pretty good innings! However bad it is for guys though, hair loss for the small minority of women that suffer from it must be insufferable. At least guys have many "cue ball comrades" and it is socially acceptable for them to be follicularly challenged.

Unfortunately, the snake oil on the Internet, the expensive drug regimens and the arse hair transplants don't really work that well, so you may as well just save your cash and accept it, I'm afraid. If you're a man, for God's sake don't:

• have a wispy, isolated island on your forehead. Shave it off.
• use a comb over. That fools no one and just makes you look silly/sad.
• wear a rug. Even if you spend a lot of money, they do not look good (Elton John anyone?!). You may as well plonk a bush on your head.
• wear a hat constantly regardless of temperature, location or occasion (e.g. The Edge!).
  

Instead, you should wear your shiny dome with pride. You can console yourself that your lack of cranial insulation really is due to an excess of testosterone!

*Captain of the Starship Enterprise in Star Trek: The Next Generation, played by Patrick Stewart.

Bottomless pits - women's handbags

A major advantage for women is the amount of stuff that they can cart around with them. We don't mind so much as we have the advantage of not having to give birth! As the chart above shows, men carry about 6 items with them but women must have at least 100! While men are limited to what they can stuff into their pockets, women seem to have everything bar the kitchen sink packed into their handbags! The average man would have the following on him:

• Keys
• Wallet
• Phone
• Comb
• Snot rag
• Miscellaneous item - e.g. chewing gum, glasses etc.
  

All these items would usually be stuffed down the trouser pockets. If Mae West was alive today, she would probably say "Is that a mobile phone in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"! At night or during colder weather, a man can wear a jacket which at least doubles his load capacity. Women, on the other hand, carry the following in their handbags:

• Keys
• Purse
• Phone(s)
• Hair brush(es)
  
• Make up kit - lipstick, moisturiser, foundation, mascara, eye shadow etc
• Mirror
• Tissues
• Emergency preening kit - lip gloss, nail clippers, emery board, hair dye sachet, body/hand lotion etc.
• Spare tights (pantyhose)
  
• Emergency medical kit - flu remedy, headache tablets, diuretics, laxatives, lip balm, cold sore medication etc.
• Spare "woman stuff"
• Breath freshener - chewing gum, mints, mouthwash or breath spray
• Cigarettes, if applicable
• Snack
• Bottled water (or something stronger, if applicable!)
• Correspondence - letters, bills etc.
• Stationary
• Numerous pens/pencils
• Address book
• Cheque book
• Reading glasses/sunglasses
• Perfume
• Various certificates - driving licence, medical cards, identity cards etc.
• MP3 player
  

This is obviously not an exhaustive list, but it is indicative of the contents of the average woman's handbag! With a load like that to lug around, you'd think going to the gym wouldn't be necessary!

Control freak - female

So, we've seen what the men like to control, but what about the ladies? Well, the chart above shows the main items that they like dominion over. I've discussed each of these in previous posts, but this one brings them all together nicely.

Women own the vast majority of the shoes in any household, so shoe care products will obviously be their jurisdiction! They also like to control the inclination of the toilet seat for some reason, with the down position being very, very important to them. What woman doesn't like giving the family credit card a good bashing? Since she does most of the shopping, the little plastic wonder card will usually be under her control.

Being a talkative bunch by nature, women enjoy controlling the interrogations, sorry, conversations with their partners. Questions will be posed, information will be elicited and meaningful dialogue expected. Given the fact that they preen so much, females also tend to hog the mirrors/bathrooms in any house. God help you if you have a lot of girls - you better have a strong bladder!

The number one thing that a woman likes to exert influence over is her poor, long suffering partner! Most women will boss their man around, given half a chance. Funnily enough, I have found that the bossier they are, the more they hate being called "Boss"! Once she has shaped you physically, the mental molding will begin in earnest. Be strong, my friend. This must be nipped in the bud at all costs to preserve your self-respect and her respect for you.

Control freak - male

In order to express his manliness in the modern world, there are certain things that the male of the species feels he must take charge of. As shown in the chart above, these tasks include base male tasks such as the provision of food (barbecue), shelter (DIY) and transport (car). While men like to take over all the items in the chart above, they are ranked roughly in frequency of use*.

What man would let his woman control the barbie when his friends are over? About the same number who don't reckon they could put up those shelves or put on that extension as well as any builder! Any digital cameras, PCs, audio systems, mobile phones, DVD players etc. around the house? You can be almost guaranteed that it's the guy who tinkers with them with the most. After all, unlike women, men never stop playing with toys; they just get more expensive as he grows older!

Almost every modern man in a long term relationship uses his garage (US) or garden shed as a last bastion of masculinity in an increasingly feminine world. In this refuge from the pressures of everyday life, the man can happily potter about, drink beer (or smoke) on the QT, work on his current DIY project or dream of days gone by!

No man wants to feel emasculated by having his woman drive him around. Hell, he probably doesn't like her driving the car even when he's not in it. After all, it's probably the most expensive gadget they own! Of paramount importance to a man however, is "TV remote control control"! Unless he wants to be consigned to a life of soap operas and interior design shows, he must assert himself by establishing control of the remote early on in the relationship! Should he lose this pivotal battle, it's probably only a matter of time before he's peeing sitting down!


*Except for the barbie mad Australians, of course!

Love is blind

We've all seen (or even done it!) at some stage. Your friend (or worse, a family member) has met a complete user, but has fallen so head over heels in love that s/he can't see the obvious. As the graph above shows, the more rose tinted the love goggles, the more common sense goes out the window! In extreme cases, Jack the Ripper would be seen by the lovestruck as a "cut above the rest" and Hannibal Lecter a man with a healthy appetite!

This scenario has been the staple of soap operas for years but unfortunately it also happens in real life. As a concerned friend, this leaves you in quite a pickle. You don't want to seem unsupportive or risk the almost inevitable "why can't you be happy for me for once?"/"you're just jealous that I've met someone"/"no one I meet is ever good enough" retorts. However, a true friend knows what to do. When the blinkers eventually come off (and they will), your intentions will be belatedly appreciated.

Ex-tremely annoying!

If there's one thing you shouldn't do in a relationship, it's harp on about your ex-partner. This is particularly true if you tend to bang on about how brilliant s/he was. However, even mentioning him/her in a negative light shows your current squeeze that you are still thinking about your ex-beloved. As the graph above shows, the more the ex-lover is mentioned, the less likely your relationship will work out. After all, you'd hardly want to go out with someone who was in love with someone else, now would you?

No man wants to hear any of the following about his predecessor:

1. How rich he was
2. What a nice car he had
3. What a great career he had
4. How well built/strong he was
5. How he could have been a porn star (huge no-no!)
   
6. How full his head of hair was
7. How tall he was
   
8. How romantic he was
9. How good he was in bed
10. How thoughtful he was
11. What great holidays he brought you on
12. What great presents he bought you
13. How he treated you like a princess
14. How you used to talk together for hours on end
15. How he always let you have the TV remote control
    

And no woman would be pleased to hear any of the following about her predecessor:

1. How nubile she was
   
2. What big boobs she had
3. How pert her ass looked in anything she wore (huge no-no!)
4. How she always let you do that to her in bed
5. How rich her daddy was
6. How good she looked first thing in the morning
7. That she didn't need to wear makeup
8. How young (looking) she was
9. How beautiful she was
10. What a great figure she had
11. How well dressed she always was
12. How great she looked in a bikini
13. How much your mother adored her
14. How much she used to eat without ever gaining weight
15. How she waited on you hand and foot
    

So, to maximise the chances of success in your current relationship, it's best to keep it zipped about your previous amour. There is one exception to this rule - you want to engineer a sympathy inducing dumping. In this case, feel free to sprinkle your conversations with copious glowing references to your ex-. If that doesn't induce relationship ending arguments, it's hard to see what will!

Go ugly early

The "go ugly early" strategy is another approach used by unscrupulous men in a nightclub. Some men realise that they are not going to score with a hot chick, so they might as well go for more aesthetically challenged woman in the first place. This has a number of advantages:

1. It is not as obvious as the "10 to 2" method of starting at the top and working your way down. This can torpedo your chances with many women who feel that you are only talking to them because you couldn't do any better (which is true!). By hitting on them early however, they are more likely to think that you actually like them, so your chances of success will be higher.
2. It allows you to select what could be described as the best of a bad lot. If you wait for 1.50am, you'll have to make do with what's left over at that stage. By making approaches earlier, you have your pick of the chicks at this level.
3. You have time to lower her inhibitions by getting her drunk. This will increase your chances of scoring with her later on.
   
4. When you hit on such a woman early, you're not as drunk as you would be at 1.50am. This will increase your chances of scoring with her at the end of the night, even though at that point, you will probably have had to get as drunk as possible!
5. When the end of the night does come, she will look as good to you through your beer goggles as some of the good looking chicks who would have turned you down earlier.

This unsavoury approach is also used by guys who haven't had any action for a while and are desperate for a shag. Again, I hang my head in shame at my fellow man! I am merely a humble chronicler, not a practitioner or advocate of such activities!

In vino veritas

On the other end of the truth spectrum, you have a saying that's so old, it's in Latin. In vino veritas* (or the similar "A drunk man speaks his mind") doesn't really apply to the club scene where the guy is focused on trying to score and the woman is focused on not giving personal information away. This lends itself more to lying than telling the truth! However, drinking is much more dangerous when you're out with friends, especially if you've been harbouring a crush for one of them for some time!

As the graph above shows, as you get tanked up, the likelihood of you saying something foolish/embarrassing increases. As with Dutch courage, your inhibitions are lowered with alcohol and suddenly blurting out your true feelings to someone suddenly doesn't seem like such a bad idea! Although the chances are that you'll make a complete idiot of yourself, you never know, those feelings might be reciprocated. At the very worst, you've got them off your chest. This is a good thing, even if you have to avoid that person for months afterwards!

Thank God I don't drink! Having said that, I have still managed to make a complete fool of myself in my time!! Ah well, nothing ventured, nothing gained, eh?!


* literally "there is truth in wine"

Lies, damn lies and nightclubs

As the graph above shows, people tend to get economical with the truth once they have had their toes dipped in the shark infested waters of dating for a while. They might have started out all bright eyed and bushy tailed, but once the harsh reality of dating sets in, veracity starts to go out the window. This is particularly true in the den of iniquity that is the nightclub! Women soon get sick of wasting their energy on drunk guys chancing their arm or players trying to add to their collection of notches. Ordinary decent guys get tired of getting nowhere with chicks unless they have a certain social standing or drive a certain car.

So what do they do? Well, guys suddenly become BMW driving doctors or pilots (or occasionally firemen, cops, lifeguards, matadors etc. depending on the circumstances!) and women concoct lies to amuse and protect themselves from the spoofers. Before you know it, you're in a vicious circle and everyone is drowning in a sea of bullshit!

I have a personal policy of treating everything I hear in a pub or nightclub as crap until proven otherwise! I was out once with my wing commander when we met 2 ladies purporting to be sisters. One claimed to be called Marie and the other Ann-Marie! Having smelt a rat, I said that either their mother had no imagination or they were full of it! Which do you think was the case?!

The downside of being fussy

The chart above shows that the fussier you are, the longer you have to wait for a suitable partner to come along. The numbers under the bars represent your level of fussiness, e.g. 100 means you like 1 in every 100 people that you meet while 1 is the other extreme - you like everybody you meet! This model makes the following assumptions:

1. People tend to like people roughly as fussy as themselves. For example, a woman who has been more secure than Fort Knox is not likely to give up her honour to someone who'd obviously get up on a cracked plate!
2. You go out approximately twice a week (100 times per year).
3. You meet 3 people on an average night out.

Even with this generous allowance for meeting people, someone who is extremely fussy (likes only 1 out of 100 people that s/he meets) can expect to go just over 33 years* between meeting suitable partners! That's over 3300 nights out using the model above, which is a lot, even for Paris Hilton! At the other extreme, someone who likes everybody can obviously expect to meet someone they like every night they go out. These extremes are so large that I've had to use a log scale above to fit them on the same graph. This is also why, for example, 33 years doesn't look much worse than 8 years at a glance.

So, it is not hard to see the main problem with being fussy and why practitioners are more likely to end up as lonely, cantankerous old fogeys! Wouldn't you end up that way if you waited so long for that someone (really) special that never came?!!


*From the assumptions, (100x100)/100/3. If you like 1 in a 100 people and so does your prospective partner, you can expect (on average) to meet 10,000 people before you click with someone. The model assumes that you meet 300 people per year.

Why men use Internet dating

Men have somewhat different reasons than women (as usual) for using the Internet to get dates. A man's social circle also decreases, but at least he can always go out on a solo mission, something no sane woman would ever do! One of the biggest reasons for a man to use the Internet is that it's another great way to meet women. After all, there's no sense in putting all your eggs in one basket, is there?! As noted in the previous post, the net can be a very time and cost effective dating paradigm. A man can hit on multiple women simultaneously from the comfort of his armchair. He can have a constant pipeline of women he has just hit on, women he is talking to, women he is manoeuvring into meeting and women he has actually met! This kind of conveyor belt is much harder to maintain in "real life", especially in a small town!

As mentioned in the original post on Internet dating, the net offers big advantages for the weak of heart and the twisted of spirit! In the pub/club environment, it is the man that usually makes the moves. However, should he lack confidence and fear rejection more than life itself, these moves will never be made. The Internet is a Godsend for such men. The disassociation available behind the keyboard frees the man to unleash his inner stud! Of course, his old problems will re-surface when he actually meets someone, but hey, at least he's now meeting a few women. This will boost his confidence and improve his performance as he perseveres. Unfortunately, the anonymity available on the Internet can also free a man's inner perv, allowing him to be as vulgar and crass as he desires. Finally, there's the odd saddo (pun intended!) knocking about who can use the Internet to disguise that fact until he has got a foot in the door!

Why women use Internet dating

In the early days, using the Internet to find love had a stigma attached to it. You were obviously a saddo if you had to resort to such desperate tactics. Indeed, I was in the Internet closet* myself for the first few years, but now I'm out and I'm proud! Of course, it has its share of saddos, but who hasn't seen them hanging around alone in the dark corners of a nightclub?! As in the nightclub, thankfully they are also in the minority online. Men, however, can still be wary of women using the Internet. After all, if she was anyway good looking at all, she'd be getting more than enough attention in real life, wouldn't she? The unplumbed depths of the male mind, eh?!

It's all very well saying a woman doesn't need to use the Internet, but what happens if she hasn't met her Mr. Right by her mid to late twenties? As described in the oldest swinger in town post, her pool of available friends starts shrinking rapidly, making it harder to socialise in the real world. Nowadays, women are forging great careers for themselves which unfortunately also tends to decrease the time and energy available for traditional socialising. These women are online 16 hours a day, so why not use the Internet for "lurve"?!

Another reason women use Internet dating is for a change from the same old same old. They've gotten sick of meeting drunken asswipes when out, so they decide to give this Internet thing a whirl. From a woman's point of view, it couldn't be worse than the pub/club scene and besides, everybody is doing it these days! Using the Internet can also save you time and money. Going out to a pub/club involves spending a wad of cash on drinks, cover charges, taxis etc. on the off chance that you might bump into a suitable person who happened to come to the same place. On the Internet, for free or a modest monthly fee, you can find, befriend and even physically meet like-minded people, no matter how odd your proclivities are!

Are you finding it difficult to meet men in the pub/club because of a fat arse, bad skin or big belly? If so, why not use Photoshop to give you that body you always knew you should have? After all, if it's alright for J-Lo et al to get airbrushed......! You never know, when you do finally meet that Internet hunk in real life, he mightn't even notice!!!


*Before you say it, this is the only closet I've ever been in!

Making moves online

After the last few posts, you have probably copped that the secret to success in any facet of online dating is to be funny and/or original. So, it should come as no surprise then that the same applies when a man throws shapes on a woman online. As in most of these Internet posts, the following advice is mostly for the men folk. Women can say anything at all to instigate a conversation and be practically guaranteed at least one reply! After all, what man is going to look a gift horse in the mouth?!

The graph above shows the chances of success when private messaging a woman in an online chat room. The perv approach will usually just get you ignored (but like any direct approach, if you try it enough times…!). A more medium level opening gambit is something like "Hi there" or the ubiquitous (i.e. totally unoriginal) "A/S/L". This stands for "Age/Sex/Location" and I usually reply 3x/yes please/here (depending on year!) if so prompted! This sort of unimaginative approach often gets a reply, simply because it beats the pervy approach taken by so many other guys! However, women generally get hit on left, right and centre in a chat room so your effort isn't exactly going to stand out now, is it?

A much better approach is to make a witty comment based on her name or something in her profile. This is more likely to get her smiling and thus more likely to respond. Some possible examples are:

• MaidMarion: Do I get brownie points for looking good in tights?!
• May_Contain_Nuts: I hope that doesn't mean you were once a man?!
• Goldielocks:You're not going to try and sneak into my bed, are you? Follow up with "damn!" when she assures you that she isn't.
• HalfPint1972: Have you considered going metric? How does"284ml1972" grab ya?!
• Serendipity: Loved the film (Serendipity)! I'm going into [insert local book shop name] to write my phone no. on the jacket of a book. If you find it, I'm definitely the man for you!!!!!
• Peacock_Hen: Hey, I've always wanted to meet a nice bird!

Alternatively, you can hook them with an unusual question to start a conversation:

• Hornybird: Try "Is it on your nose or the top of your head?!" Follow up with "the horn", when she goes "eh?".
  
• Ice_Cream01: You must really hate the summer! Follow up with "because you're in real danger of melting!" when she asks why!
  
• Startmeup: What type of ignition system do you use?
  

Similar logic can be applied to responding to dating site profiles. As noted in the original post on Internet dating, this is somewhat easier than chat room approaches as it is usually not in real time! It is very important to read the person's profile carefully, looking for a hook to use in an introductory message. Some women assume that you have contacted them as part of a wide trawl. Let's face it, they are probably right! Therefore, it is important to tailor every message to the target individual as cut and paste mails will largely go ignored! Sometimes, it maybe their name, sometimes a similar hobby or favourite band/singer, but make sure you have something before you mail them.

You can't really lose using an approach like this. If they have a good sense of humour (as they always claim!), they will reply and you're off and running. If they don't answer, you don't waste any time on a dry shite!!!

Getting people to contact you online

It's one thing getting lots of hits on your online chat room/dating site profile. It's quite another to get people interested enough to want to instigate contact. Like picking a good online name, this post mostly pertains to men. All women really have to do is put up a profile and, if it's a dating site, make sure it doesn't sink too far down the search results. This is because, just like "real life", men usually hit on anything that types on the Internet! Women, on the other hand, are much more discerning, yet they are far more likely to make a move online than in a pub/club. You can facilitate this by writing a good profile. Just like wearing an unusual item of clothing in a pub/club, a profile with an easy "hook" will give an easy opening for a woman to initiate contact. And the more women that contact you.....!!

Now that you're all ears, first of all this is what you should not do. There are usually far more men online than women, so competition is fierce and you must try to stand out from the herd. Do not leave your profile blank under any circumstances. This tells the reader you could not be arsed, so why should they? Do not put in that you live with your mother or that you enjoy train spotting. A straight version of your life story detailing your rise to senior accountant is not likely to enchant anyone either! Forget also all that malarkey that you think women want to hear. They see it on 90% of all male profiles that they read - you're friendly, fun loving, strong with a sensitive side yada, yada, yada! They will click the "Next" link quicker than Ben Johnson after a "vitamin" injection!

So, what should you do? First and foremost, you have to pick a good online name. After that, put some thought into coming up with something similarly original and/or humorous for the profile itself. If you can intrigue a woman or make her chuckle, you've done a great job! My most successful profile in attracting female attention involved replacing the words of a well known "girlie" song with amusing alternative lyrics suitable for a man (i.e. me!). This was a big hit with the ladies (cue trumpet!) and I even managed to exchange messages for quite some time using only appropriate song lyrics with one like minded gal!

You should aim for something similar. Nothing boosts your chances of success at online dating more than a unique, funny profile. It will stay online as long as you want it to, trapping potential targets in it's web of cunningness and compelling them to drop you a line!!

Choosing a good online name

Obviously, you want to attract unsolicited attention when you enter a chat room or sign up to online dating service. Therefore, picking a good moniker for your online romancing is critical. While men will generally click on a large number of female profiles in the hope of establishing angles to instigate conversations, women tend to be far most selective. That's why name choice is more important for a man and this post mostly pertains to them. The first thing anyone will see and judge you by is your handle. Only if they like it, will they bother clicking on your profile. Looking up someone is time consuming, so people often make that decision by name alone.

As the graph above shows, attracting attention is different for the sexes. Men, being the testosterone fuelled, shallow sex machines that they are, are attracted to suggestive names while women are generally repulsed by them. Women who pick names like "Horny_Bird" or "DirtyChick" can expect to be inundated with messages from guys. However, men with names like "UpnWilling" or "BigBoy_2007" can expect to be relatively unloved by the ladies! This type of guy will be too busy hitting on the aforementioned women to notice/care though!

So what is a good type of name for a guy to attract attention? There are several popular choices which have varying levels of success:

• The nondescript/obscure name: e.g. "JCD" or "John_2007". This type of name doesn't tell anything useful and women will be inclined to gloss over you.
• The informative name: e.g. "The_Big_Lebowski" or "John_London21". Gives an insight into your personality by the type of music/film/books etc. that you like or gives your basic information. Can lead to women with the same interest/location messaging you. Of course, you could be excluding all others!
• The intriguing name: e.g. "Mystery_man" or "TooGoodToBeTrue". Women do like an element of mystique! They are also curious by nature, so a bold claim will require further investigation!
• The clever/humorous name: e.g. "Mr_Darcy" (only chicks read Jane Austin!) or "DoesMyAssLookBig". Who doesn't like a sense of humour or appreciate a good pun/reference?! This type of name can garner a lot of attention from the ladies.
  

So, think carefully when you choose an online name. Depending on the online service, you may be stuck with that moniker for a long time and it may be too time consuming or expensive to change it. So, why not pick a good name at the outset and maximise your chances of success?!

Maintaining Interest in your Internet profile

So, what is the cause of your apparent growing unpopularity on a dating site? It's quite simple really. Most dating sites rank profiles by certain easily measurable parameters. Usually, it's the last time you logged into the site or the last time you updated your profile that determines where you will appear in search results. In addition, some sites offer different grades of membership with the more expensive grades getting displayed more prominently. If a large number of higher grade members seem to have signed up, you should consider following suit and upgrading your account.

In order to maintain interest in your profile and give Prince Charming (if you're a woman!) a better chance of finding you, you must find out which metric is used by your dating site and exploit it. Maybe you have a policy of getting email addresses early on thereby largely bypassing logging in to the site. Bad move. As is leaving your profile static for too long. Even if all you do is add a space, this can shoot you near the top of the pile again on some sites. It's probably best to freshen up your profile regularly anyway. As the graph above shows, the more often you log in/update your profile, the more hits you will get. I never said it was rocket science!!

If the above doesn't work, the best thing you can do is add a photo. That's a photo of your FACE, guys! A large number of people only search for profiles with pictures, so do the maths (or math, if you are American!). It also cuts down on the number of timewasters that you encounter! After all, if they have seen your face and still haven't run for the hills, you should be in with a better shout! I know, I know; someone you know might see you and think you're sad and desperate. Fine, die alone then!!!!! Besides, it's the 21st century now and Internet dating is mainstream, baby!