Middle age spread

This graph shows the general rule for both sexes that you get heavier as you get older. Slower metabolisms and increasingly sedentary lifestyles as you age inevitably take their toll. Most people don't have the genes or the discipline to defeat this unfortunate accumulation of excess padding. This phenomenon is reflected in the joke:

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry her!

To be fair, most men develop a paunch as they get older and they don't have the excuse of carrying a child! This is known medically as an intestinus guinness, or in common parlance, a beer gut!

Personality vs Looks

Yet another post on ye olde personality vs looks debate! This graph shows the relative importance of both as a relationship develops. This assumes a couple have met in a traditional manner e.g. in a pub/club. Any correspondence before meeting (e.g. the Internet) would obviously place more emphasis on personality at the initial meeting.

When a couple meet, the relationship ignites because of a strong mutual chemistry. Both parties are physically attracted to each other and quickly enter the "honeymoon phase". This phase is characterised by extensive rutting due to strong hormonal urges and the excitement of a new partner. However, as familiarity develops between the couple, the passion begins to wane and mental compatibility becomes more important in the longer term.

Of course, if you're into one night stands, personality is never particularly important past the need to click on the night. Also, going out with the most beautiful/handsome person you have ever met is not going to work if you are not on the same wavelength.

The curse of Dorian Gray!

Following on from earlier posts (particularly the one on personality vs looks), this graph shows the folly of marrying someone for their looks. The trophy wife/husband might look great for a decade or two, but as sure as God made apples, the looks will fade. Then, all you'll be left with is the personality, or lack of same. Sure, the inevitable can be delayed with cosmetic surgery, but too much of that and you end up as a grotesque caricature of your former self.

Personality, on the other hand, stays more or less constant through life. Barring any severe emotional trauma, if you marry a vivacious, positive, considerate person, that's what s/he will be until the day s/he dies.

I know which road I'd go down every time!

Dutch courage

Even though it is the 21st century, it is still predominately men that make the speculative moves on women in a pub or nightclub. In any event, this kamikaze activity involves a high amount of courage/recklessness, a dollop of self confidence and/or a smidgen of arrogance. The rare ability to take rejection like water of a duck's back is also invaluable. As noted in the post on pub/club dating, practitioners of this brown trouser inducing activity often need Dutch courage.

Many people have never gone to a nightclub sober. Without the aid of a self-consciousness disinhibitor (e.g. alcohol), many men suffer from "gynaeparalysis". This debilitating condition describes an overwhelming fear of approaching women that renders a guy unable to move in the direction of the target female. Severe cases involve uncontrollable drooling, but mercifully, this is quite rare. Despite restricting movement in the direction of the women, this unusual condition also increases the speed at which the sufferer can move in the opposite direction. There are unconfirmed rumours that the object of Justin Gatland's affection was standing behind his starting blocks when he set the world record for the 100m!

Luckily for lovelorn Lotharios, a cure is readily available in the nightclub (albeit at an inflated price). The elixir of confidence known as alcohol acts as a temporary magic bullet for this condition. However, it must be taken with care. Too little and it doesn't work very effectively, too much and you begin slurring your speech and slobbering over your victim, thereby blowing your chances. The important thing is to get into "the zone" (marked on the graph above) before approaching anybody and limit your intake thereafter to prevent yourself from leaving it. You know that you are in this zone when you feel a pleasant buzz and you suddenly think that you are THE MAN! All your nagging insecurities and self-doubt disappear and the world is your oyster.

Stay in the zone and there will be no stopping you!

Spanking the simian

This is the graphical version of the "95% of guys masturbate; the other 5% are liars" joke! Call it what you will (and there must be hundreds of phrases for it in English related to poultry, mammals, monsters, religious ranks, dance moves and musical instruments among others!), it must be the most popular/regular pastime for

• The single male
• The male whose partner is unavailable for more than 5 minutes
• The plain insatiable!

Eunuchs aside, I'm sure there are a few male beings existing on a higher plane who don't partake in this enjoyable endeavour (e.g. the pope, dalai lama etc), but their number are insignificant among the 3 billion odd males on the planet. And boy, are they missing out!!!

It just goes to show that the old wives' tale is a lot of nonsense, otherwise all us blokes would be like Stevie Wonder (except without the unbelievable musical talent!).

Apologies for the gender bias, but I'm not aware of any similar joke statistics for the ladies! I don't think the girls are quite as enthusiastic in this department as us testosterone overloaded males, but I am open to correction. They reckon they don't fart either, so maybe they are just more discreet!

Where to meet people

Well, if the Internet is full of pervs, desperadoes and psychos and the nightclub is full of arrogant posers, where are you supposed to meet a decent old skin? Well after much thought, I'm come up with this very subjective chart! It shows the possibility of possibility of meeting someone nice in a range of different scenarios:

• P/C: ye olde pub/club.
• Net: Internet, the new frontier.
• Work: Err, at your place of work.
• F of F: Friend of a friend. The auld reliable!
• HG: Hobby group. Some club that you are an active member of.
• Shop: Well everyone says the supermarket is a great place to meet people!
• WD: Walking the dog. Hell, even a leash will do (see Eddie Murphy in Boomerang!).
• WB: Walking a baby (mainly for guys).If this doesn't have the broody chicks eating out of the palm of your hand, nothing will! Just don't steal the baby - borrow a friend's/relation's.

It's not exactly rocket science, is it?! You stand the best chance of meeting someone decent in a scenario in which you spend a lot of time together and have a common interest (be it hill walking or bitching about the boss). This obviously significantly reduces your chances of meeting a gobshite or someone you don't have anything to talk about with! If you do still manage to hook up with a gobshite in any of these scenarios, then you only have yourself to blame!

One of the only good things about your friends being snapped up one by one as the years pass (besides them living happily ever after, of course) is that their partner usually has a number of singleton friends. If s/he likes the cut of your jib, then introductions (subtle or otherwise) are guaranteed. I rate the shop slightly above the pub/club as women in particular are likely to much less on the defensive there and also not likely to be surrounded by a posse of friends!

I'm open to more suggestions on this matter!

Traditional Pub/Club Dating

While Internet dating can be like buying a pig in a poke, no such problem exists in the much shallower arena that is the pub/club. Here looks are paramount and personality a bonus. Who cares if she hasn't got two words to say for herself, if she's pretty and has great boobs! And I'm sure that handsome devil hasn't delivered those well polished lines before either. In this environment, no one flourishes except the shallow, the vain, the arrogant and possibly the mildly drunk. If you fit this description, you know where you should head to meet people.

How many "nice" guys have left the club empty handed, ruing their luck while the obvious asswipe saunters by with yet another woman in tow? How many women head home wondering why they can't meet a nice guy out for a change? Well it's pretty simple really; the nice guy is the wallflower who has been eyeing you up all night from across the room, trying to work up the courage to make a move. Ultimately, he will chicken out, usually with some lame excuse to mask his fear of rejection. If he consumes enough alcohol, Dutch courage may finally propel him across the room (albeit in a zigzag fashion), but by then he will usually be too incoherent to mount any sort of a successful campaign. Besides drunk guys, the other main bunch of guys that would typically approach a woman is the arrogant, full of themselves type. These guys love themselves and think you should too. These are the type of guys most likely to cheat on you if you are foolish enough to entertain them in the longer term.

In the pub/club, you could be the nicest guy that ever lived, but if you're not making any moves, you're going to be unsuccessful 99% of the time. Occasionally, a woman may hit on you or even you will fall into a situation conducive for romance, despite yourself. Generally speaking though, the club is not really for you. You could be the nicest gal that ever lived too, but unless you're dressed like a hooker or look like a model, you're not going to get much attention from sober individuals. And no woman is going to get much attention from decent, sober guys in a club environment!

From a dating point of view, I think it's best to leave the clubs to the arrogant and/or drunk guys and the vain and/or boring Barbie dolls. They probably deserve each other anyway!

Internet Dating

The internet is the opposite of traditional pub/club dating. On the internet, you like the personality and hope you will be attracted to the person physically. In the pub/club, you chat up someone who you find attractive and hope they have a personality*.

On the Internet, personality is king. Assuming that you have managed to enter a discourse with someone via a chat room or dating site, you have to prove yourself as some combination of charming, debonair, witty, sensitive, caring and considerate (if male) or horny (if female!). This list of attributes is not easy for a guy to fake on a long term basis. In the beginning, communication was via email and you had time to deviously craft and sculpt your replies. Nowadays, with the proliferation of instant messaging programs (e.g. MSN Messenger, Yahoo Messenger, AOL etc.), you don't have the luxury of time. This means that to be funny, your mind has to work quicker than Robin Williams on speed. It also means that if you lie or have several people on the go at once, you're more likely to be caught out!

In the early days of romancing the web, there were no digital cameras, only scanners. These were not widely available, so usually all you had to go on was the personality coming through the emails. Even nowadays, photos aren't always helpful as invariably the pictures displayed are the "best case scenario", i.e. before going off the diet, after airbrushing in Photoshop or exhibit cunning use of light, angle and shade etc. Web cams do solve this problem so it is best to find someone who has one (note: women should be very careful here!).

Over a period of time you can really get to like the personality of your Internet buddy. In your early days online, you sub-consciously begin to project your idea of the perfect man/woman (physically) on this brilliant personality that shines through the ether (assuming no cam or clear pictures). Then you eventually meet and there's nothing, nada, zilch, nowt, zip between you. Those days/weeks/months/years of loving/funny/exciting correspondence disappear instantly in a puff of intense disappointment. The realisation of a complete lack of chemistry/fireworks/je ne sais quoi with someone you thought you clicked with is a swift and brutal return to planet Earth. Of course it doesn't help if the guy a woman had been chatting with claimed to be tall dark and handsome and turned out to be short, fat and bald!

As someone who has spent a least a decade (with only very modest success!) trying to meet people using the Internet, I recommend a strategy of cutting to the chase quicker before the above process kicks in. Get a picture (or better still, view their cam), no matter how grainy, as quickly as possible. If they are not to your liking, try to make a courteous, phased exit and move on without wasting everybody's time. If they pass the picture/cam test, try to organise meeting up at the earliest appropriate time.

The Internet has the advantage of being anonymous and allowing shy people to make moves on others without fear of rejection. It also opens up your dating opportunities beyond the local boozer and chipper to the whole wide world. You have a thing for tattooed Patagonian midgets with one leg? The Internet is your only man!

The Internet has the disadvantage of being anonymous and allowing perverts of all persuasions to openly tout for action. Women and kids are particularly at risk. I believe most opening gambits to women in chat rooms involve some sort of crass sexual remark. Do men think this is going to work with real women? Funnily enough, the "women" it is most likely to work with are those saddo blokes masquerading as women online!


*Note: some guys don't particularly care if a woman has a good personality or not, as long as they get some action. These, err, gentlemen are best avoided.

Beer goggles

The graph above highlights another well known dating phenomenon - the potentially catastrophic beer goggles. For any Mormons or Muslims reading this, beer goggles refer to an insidious side-effect of alcohol: people seem to get more attractive as you become more and more inebriated. How many men have woken up the next morning wishing that they could saw their arm off in order to make a quick and painless getaway? How many women have woken up wishing the guy did in fact gnaw his own limb off?

In theory (as shown in the graph above), any person will become beautiful given enough of your favourite tipple. Luckily, nature has some safeguards against this heinous effect; medical science prevents a normal sized person from drinking enough alcohol to tackle the most "aesthetically challenged"!

Female performance in bed

Following on from the previous post, it is also well known among men out on the pull that their better looking conquests have a much greater tendency to lie there like a sack of spuds (potatoes!), while some of their, err, beer influenced decisions have turned out to be little dynamos in the sack. Again, I think this boils down to the good looking girl's perception that just being beautiful is enough. She thinks that she can get a man anytime she wants so she doesn't have to make much of an effort. The plainer girl thinks that to get an encore, she has to produce the goods between the sheets. There's a lesson in here somewhere, guys!

In addition, since a lot of action tends to happen with the lights out, looks may not be much of a factor (except psychologically!) once you step in to the ring (so to speak!). However, it is far easier to imagine that you are there in the dark with Angelina Jolie-Pitt than to imagine that the bag of spuds is not dead!

Having never slept with a man or having enough statistics on same, I am not aware of any correlation between male performance and looks. Should anyone wish to enlighten me on this topic, please leave a post!

It's what is on the inside that counts....

It is well known anecdotally that good looking guys are generally arrogant and self-centred, while beautiful women are largely a vain and conceited group of individuals. You would have to ask yourself why would people who have been blessed from nature in the looks department would want to go and spoil it by having a rotten personality?

Having thought long and hard about this (well, for about 5 minutes!), I think it boils down to nurture. If you grow up constantly been told by people around you that you are ugly, useless, stupid or worthless, then I think it is a pretty safe bet that you will develop some pretty serious self-esteem issues. These issues shape a person's psyche and are very difficult to shake off in later life, even if you have developed into a Nobel Prize winning swan. Similarly, if you grow up constantly being told that you are handsome/beautiful and always having attention from the opposite sex, it is inevitable that deep down you will start believing it and taking it for granted.

Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with self-confidence and a healthy self-image. However, the line between this and arrogance and/or conceit is very fine, and alas, too often crossed. While "ordinary looking" people realise that they need a dazzling personality to make up for the lack of a square jaw or perfect symmetry, good looking people tend to think that being beautiful is enough. At best, they feel that they don't have to make an effort (see next post for a natural extension of this!) or at worse, that they are superior to us normal plebs.

Making an impression

It's an unfortunate fact that the more you fancy the person that you are talking to, the bigger the fool that you are likely to make of yourself. An interesting physiological reaction takes place that may result in one or more of the following:

• Sweaty palms
• Sweaty head (worse, as it is harder to disguise!)
• Blanking of the mind
• Loss of cohesive conversational skills
• Disappearance of your sense of humour
• Appearance of stammering or other body tics
• Loss of bowel control (in extreme cases only)

There is no known cure for this condition. However, it can be controlled with beta blockers, alcohol* or advanced mental techniques. If you pretend that you don't like the person (i.e. reduce the desirability factor), you can correspondingly reduce the idiot factor (see graph above).

The corollary to this rule is experienced when you meet someone you don't fancy in the slightest. You can get on like a house on fire as you are relaxed and can be yourself. However, this can lead to the problem of unwanted attention. It's a jungle out there for the singleton!

*There is a fine balance here. Too much alcohol results in much the same symptoms!

Female satisfaction - member size

Despite male insecurity over the size of his second brain (see previous post), it isn't really an issue for most women. As long as they have something half decent to work with, most women are happy enough. So guys, it would appear that, by and large, your fears are unfounded. After all, it's not what you have, but how you use it that counts!

That is, unless you are hung like a mouse or a mule. In these cases of an extra small or extra large member, the woman is likely to be rather dissatisfied. However, there is a small percentage of women who like extra large ones and no doubt a minuscule percentage that have a fetish for small ones!

Male satisfaction - member size

That's right - unless he has a milk bottle down there, a guy always thinks that he could do with an extra inch or two. The only possible exceptions that I can think of are celibates (makes no difference!) and guys with "porn star" dimensions!

Guys who perceive themselves to be under-endowed can be particularly touchy about their, err, shortcoming. These guys can be easily identified in the locker room. In the first instance, they will do anything to avoid stripping there. If this bullet can't be dodged, they will change as if they were on a beach (i.e. wrap a towel around them) and head to the shower cubicle securely wrapped up. In extreme cases, I have seen guys taking a shower in shorts! Such guys are advised not to watch porn films.

Usually, a guy wouldn't mind being more gifted in the trouser department. However, included in the unhappy 95% is that minuscule percentage with extra long members! This quorum of super-endowed individuals would actually prefer a smaller member. I know, I know, guys - this concept is difficult to understand! However, it's no good frightening off most prospective mates either!

Men are like a gas oven

f=foreplay, s=sex

This graph illustrates the masculine half of the adage about the sexes and ovens! Like a gas oven, the man is ready for action almost instantaneously. Alas, like the butterfly, this beautiful state does not last long (represented by f+s above). Some foreplay is appreciated and enjoyable but not always necessary, as the sex can start toute suite! The total amount of time spent in this most joyous of states can be usually counted in minutes, although with training (tantric sex, anybody?!) and/or medication, this can be greatly extended.

Once the deed is done, the arousal levels plummet and the man will feel a strong urge to go to sleep. However, this state of blissful respite can usually only be reached after the obligatory cuddling phase for what seems like an eternity!

Women are like an electric oven

f=foreplay

This graph illustrates the feminine half of the adage about the sexes and ovens! Women take a long, long, long time to "heat up", so generally extensive foreplay (marked by f above) is required before you can think about getting down to the serious action (unable to display on the graph above due to scale issues!).

This is analogous to an electric oven which takes half the day to warm up. At least with the oven you don't have to twiddle the knobs (so to speak!) for a seemingly indeterminate amount of time!

Persistence - A man's greatest weapon

There is no doubt that a man's greatest weapon when wooing a woman is persistence  This magical quality can work at any level of the relationship, but it is especially important at the very beginning.

The graph above shows the chances of scoring with a woman that a guy meets on a typical night out**. After initial contact (assuming he makes the first move), the woman will be somewhat wary and chances of success are generally quite low. If the man proves himself/fools her sufficiently and manages to wrangle an invitation to join/meet the woman in a night club, his chances are significantly improved.

If he persists in the club, even if she disappears for long stretches e.g. dancing with her friends, then he has a great chance come the end of the night. Often it will be harder for the woman at this stage to escape the man's evil clutches without succumbing in some manner. In addition, she is more likely to have a significant amount of alcohol on board at this point, lowering any inhibitions she might have.

If the group makes the next traditional pit stop on the night out (the fast food outlet) and the persistent man is still in tow, he stands an excellent chance of scoring. It is vital that he stays the distance in this phase however. At the end of the chip shop sojourn, the woman will subconsciously be thinking that he has seen her under the glaring lights, all sweaty and with running make up etc. and he still likes her. The man might be best advised to have the beer goggles on at this juncture.

Finally, if he still hasn't scored at this stage, then his final chance is to inveigle himself into the taxi home (even if he lives in the completely opposite direction). If he's allowed to do so, he's bound to be in there as almost all uninterested women would not allow that scenario to develop!

Persistence pays - hanging in there until the bitter end does pay off! Patience is a virtue after all!

**A typical night out where I'm from!

Male hygiene - marrying

Following on from the previous post, may the force be with you ladies, if you decide to marry your man!

He will be deep in the comfort zone with you, so as far as he's concerned, anything goes. The deal has been done - you can hardly file for divorce over excessive farting or dirty kacks! Therefore, the slope of this graph is more severe after the tipping point!

You have been warned!

Male hygiene - cohabiting

It is well known that a man is on his best behaviour during the early days of a romance. He dutifully turns up on time, makes no references to porno, doesn't burp/belch/fart and actually makes an effort to keep clean.

Make the most of these halcyon days, ladies, because unfortunately, they will not last. As you and he get comfortable with each other, there will be a slow but inexorable regression to his normal behaviour. Showers/shaves will be missed, socks/jocks worn for longer than medically recommended and the aftershave will be put back in the box for special occasions!

If your relationship progresses to the living together phase, prepare for a sharper deterioration in hygiene than hitherto experienced. He will be well into the comfort zone with you, so he can relax significantly. He can't relax completely though, as there is no binding contract as yet!

God help you if you get married.......

Anyone home, McFly?!

The brain is a mysterious organ! If an ordinary Joe like me comes out with a cheesy line, I get nowhere. But if a handsome devil comes out with exactly the same spiel, it's lapped up by the woman. Why is this? I'm no shrink, but deep down the woman wants to believe that this fine specimen of hunkiness really means what he says. He does like me and someday will want to have beautiful, intelligent babies with me and live happily ever after!

It's similar the other way around, although for very different reasons. When a good looking woman starts talking, men begin thinking with a different part of their anatomy! The better looking the lady, the less logic that is involved in his decision making. A man will agree with almost anything if there is a chance of some action!

As the graph above shows, the better looking the talker, the more likely his/her hokum will be believed. This is why the best players (con artists, womanisers etc) tend to be attractive!

Female satisfaction with her partner

When a woman meets a perspective mate, he is only a pale shadow of the man he could be! He is only 60-70% complete at best and she sees him as putty in her hands, ready to be sculpted into her Mr. Right. The first part of this “androforming process” is the haircut (point a above) - it will be styled/gelled/shaved/parted to her exact specification.

Next (point b above), his wardrobe will be completely overhauled. She may begin the process by bringing an outfit home saying "I just happened to be in a man's clothes shop and thought you'd look good in this......". Then she may bring him shopping and force him to suffer the indignity of being ordered to try on numerous outfits in shop after shop after shop. In all likelihood, he will double the total amount of time he has spent clothes shopping in that day alone.

Once the trivialities have been taken care of, obviously his way of life must be addressed (points c and d above). Nights out with the lads will be strongly discouraged and non-approved hobbies must go. More appropriate home making activities will be introduced in their place.

Gradually over a period of time, the man will eventually become the man she always knew he could be. She can reflect on a job well done. He can't reflect unless she says he can!!

Male satisfaction with his partner

When a man starts going out with a woman, it's usually because she already is the real deal in the personality and looks departments as far as he's concerned. The only outstanding issue is if she will indulge in his sexual predilection(s), no matter how mild or wild it/they may be. If so, then she's perfect!

The problem, of course, is broaching the subject with your new squeeze. This difficulty is proportional to the perversity of the said predilection(s) and may push point a, the point where a successful broaching takes place, out in time.

How do you stop a woman.....

......giving you oral sex? Marry her! Oh yes, the old ones are the best! Let's face it - there is hardly a man alive that doesn't like receiving this. The problem is that a lot of women don't particularly care for it. If some women partake in this endeavour at all, it is just to humour their beaus until there are rings on fingers. As the chart above shows, they can then stop using mouthwash! Of course, stopping will also lead to frustration on his part, so be careful ladies - it may be a, err, bitter pill to swallow, but it could be the lesser of two evils!