Go ugly early

The "go ugly early" strategy is another approach used by unscrupulous men in a nightclub. Some men realise that they are not going to score with a hot chick, so they might as well go for more aesthetically challenged woman in the first place. This has a number of advantages:

1. It is not as obvious as the "10 to 2" method of starting at the top and working your way down. This can torpedo your chances with many women who feel that you are only talking to them because you couldn't do any better (which is true!). By hitting on them early however, they are more likely to think that you actually like them, so your chances of success will be higher.
2. It allows you to select what could be described as the best of a bad lot. If you wait for 1.50am, you'll have to make do with what's left over at that stage. By making approaches earlier, you have your pick of the chicks at this level.
3. You have time to lower her inhibitions by getting her drunk. This will increase your chances of scoring with her later on.
   
4. When you hit on such a woman early, you're not as drunk as you would be at 1.50am. This will increase your chances of scoring with her at the end of the night, even though at that point, you will probably have had to get as drunk as possible!
5. When the end of the night does come, she will look as good to you through your beer goggles as some of the good looking chicks who would have turned you down earlier.

This unsavoury approach is also used by guys who haven't had any action for a while and are desperate for a shag. Again, I hang my head in shame at my fellow man! I am merely a humble chronicler, not a practitioner or advocate of such activities!

In vino veritas

On the other end of the truth spectrum, you have a saying that's so old, it's in Latin. In vino veritas* (or the similar "A drunk man speaks his mind") doesn't really apply to the club scene where the guy is focused on trying to score and the woman is focused on not giving personal information away. This lends itself more to lying than telling the truth! However, drinking is much more dangerous when you're out with friends, especially if you've been harbouring a crush for one of them for some time!

As the graph above shows, as you get tanked up, the likelihood of you saying something foolish/embarrassing increases. As with Dutch courage, your inhibitions are lowered with alcohol and suddenly blurting out your true feelings to someone suddenly doesn't seem like such a bad idea! Although the chances are that you'll make a complete idiot of yourself, you never know, those feelings might be reciprocated. At the very worst, you've got them off your chest. This is a good thing, even if you have to avoid that person for months afterwards!

Thank God I don't drink! Having said that, I have still managed to make a complete fool of myself in my time!! Ah well, nothing ventured, nothing gained, eh?!


* literally "there is truth in wine"

Lies, damn lies and nightclubs

As the graph above shows, people tend to get economical with the truth once they have had their toes dipped in the shark infested waters of dating for a while. They might have started out all bright eyed and bushy tailed, but once the harsh reality of dating sets in, veracity starts to go out the window. This is particularly true in the den of iniquity that is the nightclub! Women soon get sick of wasting their energy on drunk guys chancing their arm or players trying to add to their collection of notches. Ordinary decent guys get tired of getting nowhere with chicks unless they have a certain social standing or drive a certain car.

So what do they do? Well, guys suddenly become BMW driving doctors or pilots (or occasionally firemen, cops, lifeguards, matadors etc. depending on the circumstances!) and women concoct lies to amuse and protect themselves from the spoofers. Before you know it, you're in a vicious circle and everyone is drowning in a sea of bullshit!

I have a personal policy of treating everything I hear in a pub or nightclub as crap until proven otherwise! I was out once with my wing commander when we met 2 ladies purporting to be sisters. One claimed to be called Marie and the other Ann-Marie! Having smelt a rat, I said that either their mother had no imagination or they were full of it! Which do you think was the case?!

The downside of being fussy

The chart above shows that the fussier you are, the longer you have to wait for a suitable partner to come along. The numbers under the bars represent your level of fussiness, e.g. 100 means you like 1 in every 100 people that you meet while 1 is the other extreme - you like everybody you meet! This model makes the following assumptions:

1. People tend to like people roughly as fussy as themselves. For example, a woman who has been more secure than Fort Knox is not likely to give up her honour to someone who'd obviously get up on a cracked plate!
2. You go out approximately twice a week (100 times per year).
3. You meet 3 people on an average night out.

Even with this generous allowance for meeting people, someone who is extremely fussy (likes only 1 out of 100 people that s/he meets) can expect to go just over 33 years* between meeting suitable partners! That's over 3300 nights out using the model above, which is a lot, even for Paris Hilton! At the other extreme, someone who likes everybody can obviously expect to meet someone they like every night they go out. These extremes are so large that I've had to use a log scale above to fit them on the same graph. This is also why, for example, 33 years doesn't look much worse than 8 years at a glance.

So, it is not hard to see the main problem with being fussy and why practitioners are more likely to end up as lonely, cantankerous old fogeys! Wouldn't you end up that way if you waited so long for that someone (really) special that never came?!!


*From the assumptions, (100x100)/100/3. If you like 1 in a 100 people and so does your prospective partner, you can expect (on average) to meet 10,000 people before you click with someone. The model assumes that you meet 300 people per year.

Why men use Internet dating

Men have somewhat different reasons than women (as usual) for using the Internet to get dates. A man's social circle also decreases, but at least he can always go out on a solo mission, something no sane woman would ever do! One of the biggest reasons for a man to use the Internet is that it's another great way to meet women. After all, there's no sense in putting all your eggs in one basket, is there?! As noted in the previous post, the net can be a very time and cost effective dating paradigm. A man can hit on multiple women simultaneously from the comfort of his armchair. He can have a constant pipeline of women he has just hit on, women he is talking to, women he is manoeuvring into meeting and women he has actually met! This kind of conveyor belt is much harder to maintain in "real life", especially in a small town!

As mentioned in the original post on Internet dating, the net offers big advantages for the weak of heart and the twisted of spirit! In the pub/club environment, it is the man that usually makes the moves. However, should he lack confidence and fear rejection more than life itself, these moves will never be made. The Internet is a Godsend for such men. The disassociation available behind the keyboard frees the man to unleash his inner stud! Of course, his old problems will re-surface when he actually meets someone, but hey, at least he's now meeting a few women. This will boost his confidence and improve his performance as he perseveres. Unfortunately, the anonymity available on the Internet can also free a man's inner perv, allowing him to be as vulgar and crass as he desires. Finally, there's the odd saddo (pun intended!) knocking about who can use the Internet to disguise that fact until he has got a foot in the door!

Why women use Internet dating

In the early days, using the Internet to find love had a stigma attached to it. You were obviously a saddo if you had to resort to such desperate tactics. Indeed, I was in the Internet closet* myself for the first few years, but now I'm out and I'm proud! Of course, it has its share of saddos, but who hasn't seen them hanging around alone in the dark corners of a nightclub?! As in the nightclub, thankfully they are also in the minority online. Men, however, can still be wary of women using the Internet. After all, if she was anyway good looking at all, she'd be getting more than enough attention in real life, wouldn't she? The unplumbed depths of the male mind, eh?!

It's all very well saying a woman doesn't need to use the Internet, but what happens if she hasn't met her Mr. Right by her mid to late twenties? As described in the oldest swinger in town post, her pool of available friends starts shrinking rapidly, making it harder to socialise in the real world. Nowadays, women are forging great careers for themselves which unfortunately also tends to decrease the time and energy available for traditional socialising. These women are online 16 hours a day, so why not use the Internet for "lurve"?!

Another reason women use Internet dating is for a change from the same old same old. They've gotten sick of meeting drunken asswipes when out, so they decide to give this Internet thing a whirl. From a woman's point of view, it couldn't be worse than the pub/club scene and besides, everybody is doing it these days! Using the Internet can also save you time and money. Going out to a pub/club involves spending a wad of cash on drinks, cover charges, taxis etc. on the off chance that you might bump into a suitable person who happened to come to the same place. On the Internet, for free or a modest monthly fee, you can find, befriend and even physically meet like-minded people, no matter how odd your proclivities are!

Are you finding it difficult to meet men in the pub/club because of a fat arse, bad skin or big belly? If so, why not use Photoshop to give you that body you always knew you should have? After all, if it's alright for J-Lo et al to get airbrushed......! You never know, when you do finally meet that Internet hunk in real life, he mightn't even notice!!!


*Before you say it, this is the only closet I've ever been in!

Making moves online

After the last few posts, you have probably copped that the secret to success in any facet of online dating is to be funny and/or original. So, it should come as no surprise then that the same applies when a man throws shapes on a woman online. As in most of these Internet posts, the following advice is mostly for the men folk. Women can say anything at all to instigate a conversation and be practically guaranteed at least one reply! After all, what man is going to look a gift horse in the mouth?!

The graph above shows the chances of success when private messaging a woman in an online chat room. The perv approach will usually just get you ignored (but like any direct approach, if you try it enough times…!). A more medium level opening gambit is something like "Hi there" or the ubiquitous (i.e. totally unoriginal) "A/S/L". This stands for "Age/Sex/Location" and I usually reply 3x/yes please/here (depending on year!) if so prompted! This sort of unimaginative approach often gets a reply, simply because it beats the pervy approach taken by so many other guys! However, women generally get hit on left, right and centre in a chat room so your effort isn't exactly going to stand out now, is it?

A much better approach is to make a witty comment based on her name or something in her profile. This is more likely to get her smiling and thus more likely to respond. Some possible examples are:

• MaidMarion: Do I get brownie points for looking good in tights?!
• May_Contain_Nuts: I hope that doesn't mean you were once a man?!
• Goldielocks:You're not going to try and sneak into my bed, are you? Follow up with "damn!" when she assures you that she isn't.
• HalfPint1972: Have you considered going metric? How does"284ml1972" grab ya?!
• Serendipity: Loved the film (Serendipity)! I'm going into [insert local book shop name] to write my phone no. on the jacket of a book. If you find it, I'm definitely the man for you!!!!!
• Peacock_Hen: Hey, I've always wanted to meet a nice bird!

Alternatively, you can hook them with an unusual question to start a conversation:

• Hornybird: Try "Is it on your nose or the top of your head?!" Follow up with "the horn", when she goes "eh?".
  
• Ice_Cream01: You must really hate the summer! Follow up with "because you're in real danger of melting!" when she asks why!
  
• Startmeup: What type of ignition system do you use?
  

Similar logic can be applied to responding to dating site profiles. As noted in the original post on Internet dating, this is somewhat easier than chat room approaches as it is usually not in real time! It is very important to read the person's profile carefully, looking for a hook to use in an introductory message. Some women assume that you have contacted them as part of a wide trawl. Let's face it, they are probably right! Therefore, it is important to tailor every message to the target individual as cut and paste mails will largely go ignored! Sometimes, it maybe their name, sometimes a similar hobby or favourite band/singer, but make sure you have something before you mail them.

You can't really lose using an approach like this. If they have a good sense of humour (as they always claim!), they will reply and you're off and running. If they don't answer, you don't waste any time on a dry shite!!!

Getting people to contact you online

It's one thing getting lots of hits on your online chat room/dating site profile. It's quite another to get people interested enough to want to instigate contact. Like picking a good online name, this post mostly pertains to men. All women really have to do is put up a profile and, if it's a dating site, make sure it doesn't sink too far down the search results. This is because, just like "real life", men usually hit on anything that types on the Internet! Women, on the other hand, are much more discerning, yet they are far more likely to make a move online than in a pub/club. You can facilitate this by writing a good profile. Just like wearing an unusual item of clothing in a pub/club, a profile with an easy "hook" will give an easy opening for a woman to initiate contact. And the more women that contact you.....!!

Now that you're all ears, first of all this is what you should not do. There are usually far more men online than women, so competition is fierce and you must try to stand out from the herd. Do not leave your profile blank under any circumstances. This tells the reader you could not be arsed, so why should they? Do not put in that you live with your mother or that you enjoy train spotting. A straight version of your life story detailing your rise to senior accountant is not likely to enchant anyone either! Forget also all that malarkey that you think women want to hear. They see it on 90% of all male profiles that they read - you're friendly, fun loving, strong with a sensitive side yada, yada, yada! They will click the "Next" link quicker than Ben Johnson after a "vitamin" injection!

So, what should you do? First and foremost, you have to pick a good online name. After that, put some thought into coming up with something similarly original and/or humorous for the profile itself. If you can intrigue a woman or make her chuckle, you've done a great job! My most successful profile in attracting female attention involved replacing the words of a well known "girlie" song with amusing alternative lyrics suitable for a man (i.e. me!). This was a big hit with the ladies (cue trumpet!) and I even managed to exchange messages for quite some time using only appropriate song lyrics with one like minded gal!

You should aim for something similar. Nothing boosts your chances of success at online dating more than a unique, funny profile. It will stay online as long as you want it to, trapping potential targets in it's web of cunningness and compelling them to drop you a line!!

Choosing a good online name

Obviously, you want to attract unsolicited attention when you enter a chat room or sign up to online dating service. Therefore, picking a good moniker for your online romancing is critical. While men will generally click on a large number of female profiles in the hope of establishing angles to instigate conversations, women tend to be far most selective. That's why name choice is more important for a man and this post mostly pertains to them. The first thing anyone will see and judge you by is your handle. Only if they like it, will they bother clicking on your profile. Looking up someone is time consuming, so people often make that decision by name alone.

As the graph above shows, attracting attention is different for the sexes. Men, being the testosterone fuelled, shallow sex machines that they are, are attracted to suggestive names while women are generally repulsed by them. Women who pick names like "Horny_Bird" or "DirtyChick" can expect to be inundated with messages from guys. However, men with names like "UpnWilling" or "BigBoy_2007" can expect to be relatively unloved by the ladies! This type of guy will be too busy hitting on the aforementioned women to notice/care though!

So what is a good type of name for a guy to attract attention? There are several popular choices which have varying levels of success:

• The nondescript/obscure name: e.g. "JCD" or "John_2007". This type of name doesn't tell anything useful and women will be inclined to gloss over you.
• The informative name: e.g. "The_Big_Lebowski" or "John_London21". Gives an insight into your personality by the type of music/film/books etc. that you like or gives your basic information. Can lead to women with the same interest/location messaging you. Of course, you could be excluding all others!
• The intriguing name: e.g. "Mystery_man" or "TooGoodToBeTrue". Women do like an element of mystique! They are also curious by nature, so a bold claim will require further investigation!
• The clever/humorous name: e.g. "Mr_Darcy" (only chicks read Jane Austin!) or "DoesMyAssLookBig". Who doesn't like a sense of humour or appreciate a good pun/reference?! This type of name can garner a lot of attention from the ladies.
  

So, think carefully when you choose an online name. Depending on the online service, you may be stuck with that moniker for a long time and it may be too time consuming or expensive to change it. So, why not pick a good name at the outset and maximise your chances of success?!

Maintaining Interest in your Internet profile

So, what is the cause of your apparent growing unpopularity on a dating site? It's quite simple really. Most dating sites rank profiles by certain easily measurable parameters. Usually, it's the last time you logged into the site or the last time you updated your profile that determines where you will appear in search results. In addition, some sites offer different grades of membership with the more expensive grades getting displayed more prominently. If a large number of higher grade members seem to have signed up, you should consider following suit and upgrading your account.

In order to maintain interest in your profile and give Prince Charming (if you're a woman!) a better chance of finding you, you must find out which metric is used by your dating site and exploit it. Maybe you have a policy of getting email addresses early on thereby largely bypassing logging in to the site. Bad move. As is leaving your profile static for too long. Even if all you do is add a space, this can shoot you near the top of the pile again on some sites. It's probably best to freshen up your profile regularly anyway. As the graph above shows, the more often you log in/update your profile, the more hits you will get. I never said it was rocket science!!

If the above doesn't work, the best thing you can do is add a photo. That's a photo of your FACE, guys! A large number of people only search for profiles with pictures, so do the maths (or math, if you are American!). It also cuts down on the number of timewasters that you encounter! After all, if they have seen your face and still haven't run for the hills, you should be in with a better shout! I know, I know; someone you know might see you and think you're sad and desperate. Fine, die alone then!!!!! Besides, it's the 21st century now and Internet dating is mainstream, baby!

Interest in your Internet profile over time

OK, you have gone to the trouble of signing up to an online dating site and crafted a wonderful profile highlighting your quirky sense of humour and your love of romantic walks on the beach. Now, you sit back and wait for the admirers to roll up. The first week or so, life is marvellous as you're inundated with mail from gushing suitors. Then, just as soon as your confidence has started to build up again (from whatever drove you online in the first place!), the torrent slowly and inexorably turns into a trickle. This classic exponential decay is shown in the graph above.

You can't understand it. Your profile is still as impressive as ever, but no one seems interested anymore. It's not as if you've ploughed through all the potential dates in your locale (is it?!). You begin to wonder if one of your ex-amours has found your profile and has been badmouthing you online or that your BO* is detectable through the ether! However, the real reason usually is that you have allowed your profile to slip off the radar.

*Body Odour

The toilet seat

Now, if there is one thing I just can't understand about women, it is why so many of them get the hump when the man leaves the toilet seat up! If a man goes into a toilet and the seat is down, he won't fly into an incandescent rage. Instead, he'll just put the seat up without a second thought and go about his business (or, alternatively, he won't bother lifting up before, err, opening fire!).

Most women, though, tend to lose the canopy over the heinous crime of the vertical toilet seat! As the chart above shows, I reckon it bothers about 4 out of every 5 women. In contrast, I've yet to meet a guy who is bothered by the initial status of the lavatory seat!

A friend of mine has discussed with me the feasibility of designing a toilet lid that automatically lowered itself either after a set period of time or after it detected that the person had left (via motion sensors). Yes, it was in the pub and I fear the Japanese have beaten him to it, but that's the sort of considerate bloke that he is!

I, on the other hand, love to leave the seat up in as many bathrooms as I can find when visiting a house with all female occupants. Even if I don't want to pee-pee! I find it most amusing (cue evil laugh!)!!

Flattery will get you everywhere

A lot of men try to lure women into the sack by the liberal use of compliments. However, one thing I've noticed with women over the years is that, for the most part, they are not great at accepting them. Granted, it doesn't help that I'm usually laughing while delivering them! My perceived insincerity aside, you would imagine that they would still like to get a compliment. Sometimes, though, I think that they would prefer an insult!

Having said that, I still think there is some truth in the well known saying, "flattery will get you everywhere". Just try and keep a "George W. Bush"* off your face while issuing them! As shown on the graph above, you more you ply on with that trowel, the better your chances are. This is especially true if you work in a holiday resort abroad. It's amazing the cheesy lines a foreigner can come out with that a holidaying woman will lap up. If we said the same things to them back here, we'd be laughed out of the place!

*A smirk! Why is he always smirking, anyway?!

Hanging by the telephone

I've talked at length about the nice guy and his dating dilemmas, but what about his female equivalent? Yes, the "nice girl" has her problems too and the biggest of them seems to be with the humble telephone. Or more accurately, with the guys that are supposed to ring it!

Yes, understanding why that wonderful specimen that you met last weekend hasn't rang like he promised can be difficult. The main reason is, of course, that he never planned to ring you! Getting a phone number is a handy way of exiting a conversation easily and moving on. If he doesn't find anyone else that weekend, he may find your phone number crumpled in a ball in a pocket somewhere and give you a call. Now, if he was pretty out of it, when he finds your number he might not remember who you were! He is unlikely to ring you and admit that! Of course, if he was drunk, there's a great chance that he lost that scrap of paper anyway, which would make it difficult to ring, even if he could remember you!

In the cold light of day, he might not be able to summon up the courage to ring. This is because he will be unsure of the reception he is likely to get from you. It doesn't matter how well things went on the night; when everybody is sober, it's a whole different ballgame! For example, following probably the most romantic moment of my life thus far, I met a severe cold front when I rang just a couple of days later (when I said I would, of course!)! This does not help a man's confidence when ringing other women in the future!!

It is mostly men who get numbers and women who give them, so the agonising task of waiting by the phone is mostly endured by women. In olden times (pre-mobile phone, if you can imagine/remember that!), this was torturous. Staying indoors with the hall door ajar, not daring even to take a dump, nevermind a bath, just in case you missed that precious call! At least now you can bring your phone with you wherever you go.

You still can't will it to ring, no matter how hard you try, though!

Total recall of arguments - women

One of the most worrying things about going out with a woman is her total recall when it comes to arguments. As the graph above shows, men generally forget arguments very quickly, while women tend to stew over them for bloody ages.

Often a woman will leave her partner for a few days, expecting him to think very carefully about what he did wrong and how he can prevent it from happening again. However, it's usually in one ear and out the other as the man forgets all about that horrendous toilet seat incident (or whatever). Meanwhile, the woman is dissecting the exchange syllable by syllable, examining every nuance and fretting over the future of the relationship. Upon reuniting, the woman is flabbergasted that the man can't even recall the contretemps, never mind contemplate the "serious" ramifications of it!

Even worse is the ability of women to store arguments up much like a storage heater stores up heat for future release. Misdemeanours committed by men (and long forgotten by same!) in the inter-argument period will be stored up and unleashed by the woman during the next disagreement!

Observant geeks will have noted that I've snuck in another nuclear weapons reference in the graph above to describe the point in time when the argument erupted!!

Women, men and shoes

Another fundamental difference between the sexes is the number of shoes owned by each. While the average man owns relatively few pairs, infinity was invented to represent concepts as vast as the number of shoes owned by a typical woman. OK, that might be a slight exaggeration, but as the chart above shoes, they own a hell of a lot more than us guys do!

The average bloke might have a pair of black shoes, a pair of brown ones, a pair of dressy shoes, sneakers and possibly a pair of sandals. Women, on the other hand, have that many pairs for just going to the toilet! For women, shoes can be broadly classified using the following taxonomy:

• Calceatus planus: flat shoe
• Calceatus stilettocus: high heeled shoe
• Calceatus platformicus: platform shoes
• Calceatus wedgicus: wedged heeled shoe
• Calceatus stylus: pencil heeled shoe
• Calceatus pumpicus: pumps
• Calceatus slingbackicus: slingback shoes
  
• Booticus celsius maximus: high boots
• Booticus celsius mediocris: medium boots
• Booticus celsius minimus: ankle boots
• Booticus equinus: riding boots
• Booticus veni-meum-sexum: CFM boots
• Booticus wellius designerium: designer wellies
  
• Calceatus woodicus: clogs
• Sandalium: sandals
• Calceatus slippericus: slippers
• Calceatus flipflopius: flip-flops
• Calceatus sliponicus: slip-ons
• Calceatus mulus: mule shoes
  
• Calceatus judicius: court shoes
• Calceatus athleticus: sneakers
• Calceatus laboris: work shoes
  
• Calceatus occasionius specialis: dress shoes
• Calceatus entertainium: going out shoes
• Calceatus littoris: beach shoes
• Calceatus pocahontas: moccasins
• Calceatus loaferius: loafers
• Calceatus sluticus: extremely high heeled shoes, worn mainly by porn stars
• Calceatus comfortus: comfortable shoes, worn mainly by lesbians
  

I realise that this list is nowhere near exhaustive, but it should serve as a useful starting point for future developers of the system. I would explain the existing classifications better, if only I knew what some of them were and what the hell the differences were between them! Unfortunately, only women are privy to this information, who have at least 20% of their brains devoted to shoes. Within each classification, characteristics such as colour, fitting, mood, weather and function play an important part. Finally, women usually like to have at least 3 footwear options for every possible scenario.

Suddenly, Imelda Marcos doesn't seem so extravagant after all!

Faint heart never won fair maiden

In addition to confidence, bravery is a vital tool in any wannabe womaniser's armoury. While it may not compare to singlehandedly facing up to enemy tanks while armed with little more than a cigarette lighter, approaching women is definitely a togs tester! If you haven't got the stones for it yourself, you better align yourself with a wing commander with big enough ones for the both of you!

Going up to a stranger and putting yourself on the line is tougher than many women realise. If they did, then maybe some of them wouldn't act like total bitches when it happened. OK, maybe the guy is loaded when he makes his awkward approach, but if it wasn't so difficult to do, he wouldn't have needed the Dutch courage in the first place.

What a guy is essentially saying when he approaches a woman is "I want to shag you (and the sooner the better!)". The man knows it, the woman knows it and the man knows that the woman knows it! This does not make it any easier to execute. However, execute it you must, unless you fancy a life of celibate contemplation. No? I didn't think so! As Del Boy* used to say, "He who dares, wins"!


*aka Derek Trotter from the classic British sit-com - Only Fools and Horses.

Go for the jugular

In contrast to the last post, there is another school of thought on the timing of making moves on women. This approach promulgates that to be successful, you have to seize the day. This Carpe Diem approach is usually used by the confident and those successful with women. Outside of America, that generally means the asswipe/player/bounder/cad! Americans, on the other hand, are a confident bunch by nature, so this approach is much more pervasive there.

This approach has a couple of major advantages. If successful, you can cut to the chase pretty quickly, thereby really racking up the notches on the belt/bedpost. If unsuccessful, it means that you quickly identify the abhorred 'time waster' and quickly move on to a more receptive target. On the downside, you may come over as pushy and ruin your chances with some great women.

The ideal approach for nabbing a long term girlfriend is probably somewhere between the two extremes. In most cases, appropriate opportunities will present themselves if you have a little patience. Then, all you have to do is grasp the nettle!

Softly, softly, catchee monkey!

There is a school of thought out there that to snare the target of your affection, you should use the softly, softly approach. This is primarily used by nice guys as a means of justifying their constant procrastination and is a ramification of their lack of cojones!

While it may be best for a guy not to prematurely inosculate with a woman (after all, "wise men say only fools rush in"!), if you dally too much you run the risk of entering the "friend zone". It is probably easier to escape from beyond the event horizon of a black hole than from this forlorn place! Another possible problem is that while you're beating around the bush (metaphorically), some other hero could usurp you to, err, the real McCoy!!

Marry in haste, repent at leisure

The graph above shows the foolishness of marrying someone you don't really know. I'm sure he was really charming and charismatic in the five minutes that you knew him before saying 'yes'. Well, you have the rest of your life (or at least until the messy divorce!) to get to know the real him behind the facade. Just pray that he is not violent, a control freak or an emotional bully. Hell, he could even be gay for all you know! It's not just the ladies who can land a pig in a poke either. Maybe you will find that it was indeed your cash/passport she was after. And what seemed to be devotion in your brief courtship might transform into obsessive neediness pretty quickly.

Of course there are successful unions formed on the spur of the moment. However, let's face it, the chances of having a successful long term relationship with someone you know only a few days/weeks or even months are pretty slim. They don't say "marry in haste, repent at leisure" for nothing after all! You should at least wait until your prospective mate has fallen out of "best behaviour" mode!

Why men are afraid of commitment

Who said men were afraid of com.., commit..., commitm...., commitment?! There, I've said it! Of all the things about men that annoy women, his reluctance to pledge his live, his soul, his heart and his wallet to her for eternity (or longer) rankles the most!

Of course, the obvious reasons are the loss of freedom and space. Gone will be the days of doing what you want, when you want and how you want. Unless you want the cold war to re-ignite, all decisions will now have to be vetted through HQ before embarked upon! Remember that room you had earmarked for pool/snooker/fuzzball/darts? Forget it, my son - it's now a guest bedroom with lovely pink drapes and flowery linen!

Men are constantly on the lookout for chicks. It's part of that genetic drive we have, I'm afraid. The thought of having a 'ball and chain' when there is so much variety out there is obviously a concern. Us guys are not (totally) emotionless either - some may have been burnt before and reluctant to knock down the protective psychological wall.

As already admitted, men tend to be more immature these days. The thought of having to give up the carefree lifestyle of video games, drinking with the lads etc. and grow up is quite daunting for some men. The grown up world of responsibility - mortgages, people carrier loans, screaming children etc. doesn't sound quite as much fun somehow!

Pressure to commit increases with time

There are crunch times in every relationship when deciding whether or not to take it to the next level. However, women tend to hurry this along a tad quicker than the average bloke would like! This is understandable from a biological point of view, but that doesn't make it any nicer for guys, who are generally happy to fester in the current arrangement! After all, if it ain't broke, don't fix it!

The graph above shows that the longer a man is in a relationship, the more the pressure for him to commit intensifies. In the early days of the romance before the couple have become really comfortable with each other, the man will be on a long leash. Make the most of these happy days, gentlemen, because they will not last! The woman will not risk turned the screw too early in the relationship, in case the man does a runner. However, once she has her claws into you, prepare for the gradual and inexorable drawing in of the leash. It's a slippery slope, my friend and before you know it, you'll be tethered to her and unable even to fart without her permission!

Double standard

The mother of all double standards as far as women are concerned must be the promiscuity one. If a man sleeps around, he gets kudos from his mates for being a 'Jack the Lad'. After all, he's only doing what they would like to be able to do! At worst, he might be labelled a cad or bounder by the women folk (or a player in America).

However, if a woman does likewise, she is branded a slut, a harlot, a floozy, a whore, a hoe, a slapper, a tramp, a slag, a tart or a trollop (you get the idea) by her peers. Of course, guys think that the harlot is great for a one night stand! However, they like to think that their girlfriend/wife is purer than the driven snow.

This double standard is shown in the graph above. A guy's reputation is generally enhanced as the notches appear on the bedpost while a woman's suffers by the same token. Personally, I try to abide by my mother's exhortation, "stay away from the floozies"! Not that I've had much choice in the matter anyway!!!

Sex and dancing

The diagram above is a representation of the saying that dancing is sex standing up. Watch any couple doing a Latin dance if you have any doubts about the veracity of this statement! So, when you are out in a night club you'd be best advised to pay attention to how the objects of your affection/lust shake their booties on the dance floor. You won't be alone - ever notice the number of men that circle the dance floor gawking at the gyrating girls? Dirty voyeurs, the lot of them! A seat looking down on the dance floor is probably the best spot in the club. Even if you are there on a solo mission, there are many hours of entertainment to be had. Watching an attractive woman moving her hot (and preferably scantily clad) body in rhythm to the music, whose mind wouldn't start speculating........?! Plus, how many girls have wondered about Patrick Swayze after watching Dirty Dancing for the umpteenth time?!

On the dance floor, it's very easy to spot the gamey, the useless, the self-centred and even the premature ejaculator! Apparently, someone who dances staccato (e.g. like a robot) is a prime candidate for the latter! You have been warned, ladies! You might think that the Tony Mineros would be the best in the sack, but you'd be wrong. Someone who hogs the limelight on the dance floor is likely to be an egomaniac. Consequently, he (it will most likely be a he!) will not be too concerned about how you're doing in bed. Of more interest to him will be him, him and him!

Is someone that likes dancing alone a chronic masturbator? This theory would seem to indicate as much! It's never nice to see a guy dancing solo on the dance floor, even if it is a pathetic effort to muscle in on a group of ladies dancing around their handbags!

Why women enter relationships

You don't have to be Einstein to work out why women want a serious, long term relationship. In contrast to men, women are programmed to form a nest and raise a family. If men and women weren't programmed this way and sex wasn't so enjoyable (I hear!), then we Homo Sapiens wouldn't last too long! Of course, nowadays with all the jabs you can get, finding a man isn't strictly necessary for having a baby! However, skipping the most enjoyable part, the first few minutes of old fashioned conception, is such a shame!

Sure, not every woman wants kids - just the overwhelming majority. Some women feel safer with a more powerful male taking care of her. Others, like men, enter relationships for the companionship, the nookie or because of social pressure. The latter tends to be more pronounced for women as their prime child bearing years are her twenties and thirties. Men can still produce the goods well into their 80s, although why they'd want to at that age is another question! If the woman hasn't made inroads into finding a man by the time she hits 30, the pressure can be quite intense, especially from her family. This can lead to unions made for the wrong reason (or indeed arranged unions). Not the best basis for a relationship going forward.

Why men enter relationships

Why do we men enter serious, long term relationships if we are so reputedly afraid of commitment? Well, for a start, it would be nice to have someone to your washing, cooking and cleaning etc! This is the mothering aspect mentioned in the ideal woman post. Companionship is a motivation for some guys. No one wants to grow old alone after all and it would be much more pleasant if you had someone to order around (only joking, ladies! Besides, it is much more likely to be the other way around these days!).

Kids are another factor. Although a lot of guys might not be too pushed about the idea and only have them because the woman wants them or it's the thing to do, there are a sizable number of blokes who have a strong desire to produce some progeny. A small minority of guys might settle down in the first place, because it's the thing to do. Society, after all, tends to discriminate against the singleton in a lot of situations. This is obviously not a good reason to enter into a relationship and is the type of union most likely to fail somewhere down the pipe.

However, the biggest reason why men enter relationships is "sex on tap". As discussed many times on this blog, men are programmed to go forth and procreate. Most of our energies are focused on it and most of our anxiety comes from not getting it! Therefore, why not get into a situation where you can have it regularly with someone you like? Of course, relationship dynamics change all the time. When the tap is turned off, that's when the big problems start for a guy!

Take it to the next level!

A relationship typically is comprised of various distinct stages or levels. These levels, shown in the diagram above, are:

• The point of zero energy/effort (along the time axis) is when you are footloose and fancy free.
• The first level proper is reached when you first lock eyes across a crowded room, time slows down, your world stands still, your heart beats faster etc. etc.
• The nerve wracking first date - Someone made the first move and set up that romantic first date. It will be the most perfect of dates, talked about for the rest of your lives. Perhaps even written about for generations! No pressure!
  
• The crucial 2nd date - keep it going now. You've both decided that there could be something here. Plain sailing from here, surely?!
• Don't call me Shirley and now it's on to date number three. According to US TV shows, this is when you should seal the deal these days! You may want to draw it out a bit (as discussed here) to maximum your chances though, ladies.
  
• If you've met over three times, you're going out. Now the hard work really begins.
• All going well, you fall in love. Bless!
• Next up is talking about making a future together.
  
• Congrats - you've made that future happen. All together now, "Here comes the bride....".
  

If a couple put sufficient energy into their relationship at their current level, they will jump naturally to the next level. Sometimes couples will consciously decide to "take it to the next level" as this emphasises their growing devotion to each other. Many relationships stagnate at a particular level, usually because of commitment issues with the man! In a successful relationship however, the couple eventually reach the top level. At this point, both have invested a lot of time and energy in getting there.

Unfortunately, it can all go horribly wrong at any stage in a relationship. Just because you reach the top level for example, doesn't mean that you are home and hosed. If a relationship breaks up, all the stored energy is released, usually in an explosive mix of anger, acrimony and bitterness, all tinged with sadness. This is a direct result of the 2nd law of thermodynamics - energy is never created or destroyed, only changed from one form to another!

This is shown in the diagram above only for a break-up while at the top level (for reasons of clarity). The line D represents a divorce or irrevocable separation, where the parties are returned to singledom, accompanied by the aforementioned emotional fallout. In this case, the energy release will be potentially huge as it is proportional to the length of time they have been together.

Sh*t or get off the pot!

There comes a crunch time in any relationship. This is commonly known as the "shit or get off the pot" moment. It's do or die for the relationship; do you move on to the next level, or does your romance go the way of the dodo?

The graph above shows a relationship up until just after this critical juncture. The area marked H is the honeymoon period, as described in the personality vs looks post. This period is characterised by a rapid rise in relationship viability as you successfully navigate the crucial first few dates. Eventually you become an item and settle into a steady state, marked by B above. At the beginning of this stage, both parties are not sure of the long term chances, but are willing to go with the flow for a while. The length of this 'while' will be shorter, the older the protagonists are (especially the woman!). Sooner or later however, an important decision will have to be made. Do you see the relationship going the whole hog (yeigh!) or are you just wasting your partner's time in the long run (neigh!)?

If it's the former, then the good times can continue rolling. If it's the latter, you have to do the decent thing and let the relationship die a quick and painless (as possible) death. If you are terminating the love affair, you better have the "it's not you, it's me" line (or variant of same) on standby, as your decision may baffle an oblivious partner.

Bom chicka wah wah!

This chart shows the approximate levels of attraction when you meet new people in a pub/club. That's a polite way of saying it's a measure of how much you want to get into their pants! These levels cover the entire spectrum from not interested in the slightest to love at first sight. Normalised with the most desirable being 100%, the levels are:

• Get me out of here, quick!: How bad can be possibly be? This bad. This person presses all the wrong buttons. S/he is not your type at all and you can't think of a single thing to talk about. Picture your dream partner, now think the opposite. Nasty.
  
• Is that the time?: Only slightly better. Not your cup of tea really, so no point wasting valuable scoring time. You make your excuses early and get the hell out of Dodge!
• Come back later: One for the back burner. This person is OK, but you think you can do better. Make a mental note to return at 10 to 2, if necessary.
  
• Oh, baby!: Now we're talking. Some sparks fly as the chemistry starts to kick in. You hope that that some biology will follow shortly after.
• Get 'em off ya: Whatever that je ne sais quoi is, you've just found it! You want to rip those clothes off this fine thing and get jiggy. However, it's probably best if you wait until you get back to your place (or his/her place) for that!
  
• Where have you been all my life?: You fall head over heels in love at first sight! Your reason for living crystallises in your mind, the stars align in the sky and the world is suddenly a beautiful place!
  

Neither extreme happens too often. After all, how many times can you meet 'the one', for example?! Most people you meet are at some point in between. If you're lucky you'll get some regular fizz among the flotsam. Make hay when you do!

Hirsuteness increases with age

The above graph is surely bad news for men like Robin Williams and women everywhere. Unfortunately, it is a fact that our bodies get hairier as we get older. We come in to the world with skin as smooth as a, err, baby's arse, but some of us leave it looking like Tarzan's adoptive father!

For us men, the release of massive amounts of hormones at puberty really kicks the process into gear. You might shave once a week at the beginning, rising to daily or even more frequently as the formative years pass. You'd hope it would stop there, but hair growth tends to continue into middle age. It wouldn't be so bad if it was our manly chest or muscular limbs that got more matted, but no, what do we get instead? Nostril and ear hair, mainly! Even while we're losing it upstairs, it starts sprouting out of the most unlikely locations and there's damn all we can do about it!

For women, as they age, it becomes a battle with the tweezers that would make even King Canute's struggle seem pretty manageable in comparison! Arms and legs get furrier and even worse, it starts appearing on the face. Take a look at a middle aged woman on a bus and chances are she has a better tache/smig then most school boys could manage. Admittedly, that competition isn't particularly fierce, but any unwanted hair is traumatic for a woman. Cue even more female preening - shaving, plucking and/or the application of creams, chemicals, wax, lasers or electric current!

Looks vs personality - ideal

Back to the personality vs looks issue again! This graph shows the 4 possible extremes and where the ideal person for most people is most likely to fall. Of course, everyone is different and some may think that an extreme is perfect for them. There is, after all, no accounting for taste! The four extremes are:

• A: Great looking with no personality. Well discussed here already. Probably bad in bed and most likely to be a narcissist. Best left to the trophy wife seekers and one night stand brigade. Besides, you'd always worry someone else was hitting on him/her!
  
• B: Great looking with a fabulous personality. The perfect man/woman. Lives in Shangri-La, counts Santa Claus as a close friend and keeps the abominable snowman as a pet!
  
• C: Ugly both on both the inside and outside. If there's one thing worse than a good looking person who fancies him/herself, it's an ugly person who does likewise! No redeeming features whatsoever.
  
• D: Great personality, but unfortunately given a few too many wallops with the ugly stick. You would love to fancy this person, but you can't, no matter how hard you try. Check for siblings though!
  

As I've already said at length, personality is more important in the long run for a successful relationship. At the same time however, you have to be attracted to the person. However, this does not mean that they have to be a model. Often, you find that a person who is about average in looks alone can often become very attractive to you by virtue of a great personality.

Therefore, I reckon that the ideal person is someone with slightly better than average looks and a good personality. The good news is that since you're pretty near the median on both counts, there are loads of such people around. The bad news is that there are equal numbers of people with slightly below average looks and a fairly crappy personality (and so on) also!

Morals decrease with time since last action

While I'm on the topic of things decreases with time since your last conquest, here's another one - morals. Unfortunately, I have been on the receiving end of this and it isn't nice (you know who you are and what you did!)! Admittedly, this pertains to males more than females, men being the selfish, inconsiderate, unprincipled pigs that they are! The graph above also implies that, like fussiness,

M ∝ 1/D

where:

M=Morals
D=desperation

This also makes sense. The more desperate you are, the more likely it is that your morals will go out the window. In the early days since your last conquest, you would never consider any untoward action. However, all's fair in love and war. Throw in a bit of a drought and your best mate's sister/girlfriend/wife/mother is probably not safe, given half a chance!!

Fussiness decreases with time since last action

In addition to age, your level of fussiness also decreases with the time since your last relationship/tryst. This is shown in the graph above, which shows the approximate levels of fussiness a woman slides down through as the memories of the last bit of romance/action recede. Men go through similar levels, although the slope of the line is probably much steeper! This graph implies that fussiness is inversely proportional to desperation, that is to say:

F ∝ 1/D

where:

∝=proportional to
F=fussiness
D=desperation

This stands to reason. The more desperate you are, the less fussy you are and vice versa. For this reason, you should not be in a night club at 10 to 2 with beer goggles on if it has been a considerable period of time since your last conquest. If you are susceptible to this, it may be advisable to carry a small hacksaw for the next morning on your person!

Fussiness decreases with age

Following on from the previous post on levels of discernment, the graph above shows that fussiness does not stay constant with age. When you're in your late teens and early twenties, you can afford to be idealistic when trying to find 'the one' or even 'the one for the night'. After all, you're young and time is on your side. You meet a nice person, but s/he isn't quite the full package. The hair colour might be wrong or you didn't like his/her shoes perhaps. No problem - another candidate is just around the corner.

However, as you get older you can't afford to be quite as selective as you once were. Your peers begin disappearing and prospective dreamboats become rather thin on the ground (and fat around the middle!). At this point, the fretting can begin in earnest. Pretty soon, desperation starts to seep in and all those essential criteria you had go out the window. If you're approaching the big 4-0 mark and you're still alone, you'll take almost anyone as long as s/he has a pulse and doesn't kill animals for fun!

Levels of discernment

The chart above shows the approximate levels of fussiness when it comes to selecting a partner. These levels, normalised to the fussiest being 100%, are:

• Cracked plate: Person would get up on same. This saying usually pertains to the male of the species, but you get the idea.
  
• If it moves: Only slightly fussier than above as it rules out necrophiliacs and other obscure fetishists!
• It's 10 to 2: Time is almost up at the club - hurry up and nab something, anything!
• Average: Just like it says on the tin - the median between the extremes.
• Not seen with just anyone: These people have some class. They have certain criteria that must be fulfilled.
• Only the very best, darling: if you meet someone as fussy as this, you better be rich, have a flawless family tree, unbeatable prospects and be able to withstand a background check by a private investigator. And that's just to get a first date!
  

I would imagine that the best type of person to meet is someone that is the "not seen with just anyone" side of average. Any more discerning and their demands on a prospect mate become unrealistic. Any less fussy and God knows where they've been!

Oink, miaow!

Following on in some degree from what women think about, this rather contrived diagram shows the animals each gender most resembles. In the case of women, it is the vain cat, which also spends a large percentage of its time preening itself. Obviously, women are not as lazy or useless as domestic cats, but they certainly can match them for cunningness and for their manipulation skills!

Men, on the other hand, are commonly referred to as pigs. Whether it be for some cruel remark to your sister when you're young or for some inexcusable behaviour with a lady when you're older, the porcine reference can get trotted (get it?!) out quite a lot. Throw in the fact that a lot of us blokes can live in an unholy mess, not clearing away dishes and/or rubbish for weeks at a time and it is somewhat difficult to claim that this comparison is unfair. Unless, that is, you are arguing for the pig!

I wonder if it's a co-incidence that the most popular slang word for a woman's nether region is feline related while several porcine related slang words exist for the male appendage?!

What men think about

This is somewhat easier for me to speculate on, me being one of the brethren and all! In contrast to women, men think about sex an awful lot. They say men think about it every 6 seconds or so. This may be an exaggeration as I've often gone a whole 10 seconds without an impure thought! Somewhat more seriously, sex, though, I don't think it's as, sex, often as that, but, what's definitely true is, sex, men think about it a hell of, sex, a lot more than women!! As mentioned previously, men have a strong compulsion to mate and a lot of their behaviour can be understood from that perspective.

Another thing that men think about a lot and women can't seem to grasp is 'nothing in particular'. Yes, that's right - we can happily sit watching the TV with the thought process disengaged for hours on end. Well, we could if we didn't keep getting the "what are you thinking now, dear?" type questions! If we answer honestly (i.e. nothing), paranoid suspicions are immediately aroused in the woman as this is an alien concept to her. You are probably best advised to make up a little white lie. I recommend something along the lines of "I was just thinking of where I could bring you to celebrate our anniversary, darling"!!!

Men, by and large, are happy to go with the flow and see what life throws at them. Most are not really into planning for the future, until they get a partner that is! What is of more immediate concern is when can they slip out with the lads to the pub again. Much thought can go into elaborate excuses to make this happen and how to disguise it afterwards!!!

What women think about

Now, far be it for me to speculate on what the hell women are thinking about! I can only make a rough stab at it from my observations down through the years. I'm probably completely wrong, but this is how it appears from this end!

First and foremost, women always seem to be making plans for the future. Now that would be perfectly fine, if only you (the man) were not a part of it. But once you start going out with a woman, the "where do you see this relationship going?" type questions start surfacing like a u-boat, ready to torpedo your cosy arrangement of sex on demand!! You wonder why, like us, they can't just cool the jets and go with the flow. Instead, the mortgage plans are hatched, your children's names are chosen and their future schools and professions are decided before you can say "I thought we were only having a bit of fun"! It's probably due to the tick-tock of her biological clock, which increases in volume as she goes through her 20s and 30s.

The next biggest things that seem to occupy the female mind are the interrelated fields of herself and shopping. Women seem to spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about what colour lipstick makes their lips like Angelina, what foundation is best for her complexion, what colours and styles are in this season, what makes her arse look small, what kind of stripes and colours make her tummy look small and her boobs look big, what shoes go with what outfit, what hairstyle makes her face look thin, what hair colour suits her and so on.

As noted in an early post, she also dedicates some grey cells to 'androforming' - the shaping of her man to her specifications. If she doesn't have a man, she can plan what she can do when she eventually snares one!
I don't think a woman thinks about sex all that often during the course of an average day. These types of thoughts generally occur at appropriate times, like at bed time or after a romantic date. This contrasts significantly with how men think about it!

Sexual lifespan - female

Women are more complicated (now, there's a surprise!). They are reputed to peak sexually in their mid 30s, when they (unlike men at their peak) should at least know what they are doing. Women should also be able the advantage of this peak, without having to resort to defiling 18 year old boys! The chances are that, at this age, the woman will have a lucky spouse/partner to help her through this difficult time. And who said men were selfish! The poor guy may even have to seek some pharmaceutical assistance in order to keep up with his women!

After the peak, the inevitable decline is in two stages. This is shown in the graph above with M marking the transition point. Stage 1 is a gradual decline until the menopause, which usually happens when a woman is in her 50s. After the 'change of life', the woman's sex drive will naturally suffer, now that her biological imperative has been removed by Mother Nature.

It's not all bad news though. Just like guys, there are magic pills available. Viagra has been known to work for women also and there are female alternatives. HRT can also improve matters apparently, but it is debatable whether it directly improves libido. The things that I have learned during the course of this blog!

Sexual lifespan - male

Men are reputed to reach their sexual peak at 18. What a waste this is for most men! Your period of maximum sexual potency is marked by the least action and the least control. You're lucky if you can find your ass with both hands at that age, never mind someone else's!! After 18, as the graph above shows, it's a long (hopefully) steady decline into eventual impotency. When you're at your peak, you're like an unstable nuclear bomb - ready to explode at any instant. As you get older, you're more of a nuclear reactor - you learn to control things better, at the expense of some yield!

Viagra, however, has turned the nuclear reactor into Chernobyl! It can return relatively young guys to the good old days and keep them there until even the most voracious nymphomaniac is satisfied. Where once it was time for the older men to start thinking about hanging up the stirrups at about 60, guys can stay in the saddle now into their 80s with that magic blue pill! Octogenarians have no reason to fret any more. Now you can be a dirty old man for much longer. Hooray!! Or, alternatively, you too can live in pyjamas and be surrounded by adoring blonde bimbos. Just don't forget the getting rich part too or you might find it a little tough to live that dream!

Am I the first person to use nuclear physics metaphors to describe this? Who said that physics degree was a waste of time?!!