Shall I buy my hat?!

As if it wasn't bad enough watching your friends dropping off like flies, you also start getting 'helpful' reminders of your plight as you advance in years. The graph above shows that the number of 'subtle' digs about getting hitched that you receive is proportional to the number of older female relatives that you have. This is mainly aunts, but can also be aunt-in-laws, grandmothers and other assorted more distant relations. This is the main disadvantage to having 15 aunts (yes, 15!), I find!! To make matters worse, the friends of your parents and neighbours of a certain vintage can also row in with a "hat" enquiry!

The enquiries start when you are in your mid 20s and continue for about a decade, at which point they give up and move on to a younger cousin. The really sad thing is that it's actually worse when they stop asking. At that stage, even they realise that no one is going to be foolish enough to take you on!!! And don't think that you've escaped when finally you meet that special someone - then they move on to when your first/second/third etc. child will be arriving!

Oldest swinger in town

Life is great when you're in your early to mid twenties. You have lots of single friends to go out with or bump into when you're already in the pub/club. Well, you better make the most of it, because unfortunately, it doesn't last! As the graph above shows, your number of single friends decreases as you get older. OK, you could make new, increasingly younger ones, but people tend to stick mainly with their peer group from school/home/college.

As you reach your mid to late twenties, they start dropping off the scene as they meet their Miss/Mr Right. Suddenly they want to spend the night in with their beloved or perhaps they have to spend the weekends travelling to be with their amour. Next thing you know, the wedding invitations start arriving in the post. These are great days because your dearest friends are committing themselves to a life of blissful happiness with their dream wo/man. Plus, there are invariably friends/relatives of the bride/groom that you haven't met/scored with yet!

Once you get to your mid thirties however, most of the weddings are behind you and your social circle has diminished considerably. You have only a small squad of single comrades left, where one there was a platoon! You'd like to go out as often as before, but it's hard to track down one sparring partner, never mind a posse. It only takes one or two solo missions to realise the futility off that approach. Where once you used to bump into friends at every turn, now all you see are silly young ones. My friend, you are now one of the oldest swingers in town! At the time that you probably most need to meet someone, it becomes harder and harder. Thank God for the Internet - it almost makes up for the lack of arranged marriages (in the West) these days!

Not as many single people go to the raft of Christenings that you now attend. You even begin dreading the occasional wedding that comes up as you're now the odd one at the table of couples. The world suddenly feels very couple oriented and you're probably being discriminated against by your married friends. Groups of couples go off on holidays, but you don't quite fit in now, do you? You wonder why your married mates envy your single life, but those faraway fields are always greener, aren't they?!

Dress to attract attention

Another way for a man to tip the odds (slightly) in his favour when out in a night club is to wear an appropriately coloured shirt/top. Dark colours meld into the background in a dark club and suggest you want to skulk around and lack confidence. Brighter colours, on the other hand, suggest that you are confident because you don't mind standing out from the crowd.

Being the brightest colour, white might seem to be the obvious choice for the best colour to wear. However, with the ultra violet lights prevalent in many clubs, you tend to fluoresce with a blue hue! In addition, white is associated with purity, which most people aren't necessarily after in a night club!! Other bright colours, such as canary yellow or lime green are bright and will get you attention, but not for the right reasons! This is shown in my second colour chart above. To prove that I am not biased against red (see post on hair colour), it has jumped to top of the class! Red is associated with action, courage, confidence, and vitality - just the sort of traits you want to project in the heat of battle.

I happened across this fact by accident with what became known as my "shifting* shirt". My trusty red polo shirt was commented on many times by the ladies and definitely increased my chances from practically non-existent to negligible! Another way you can dress to increase attention from women is to wear something unusual or a top with something unusual/humorous written on it. This will give many women an easy opportunity to strike up a conversation with you.


*Approximately equal to "scoring" in Irish slang.

Confidence Trick

Nice guys usually suffer from a lack of confidence, as discussed in the post on pub/club dating. This results in many a frustrating night out on the town, where the nice guy usually hasn't the cojones to make a move, seal the deal, pull the trigger (you get the picture!).

Without doubt, the most important (and noticeable) attribute of any successful womaniser is self-confidence. Women can sense confidence (or lack of same) in a man like a dog can sense fear. The graph above shows how a man's success rate with the ladies is proportional to his self-confidence. You're as well off staying at home and using the Internet to meet chicks if you are lacking in this department. Unfortunately, confidence if something that you can't really fake - it seeps out from your every pore and forms an aura that women are very sensitive to. If you go out projecting the wrong vibes, you may as well hold up a sign saying "loser" or have it tattooed on your forehead. There is more chance of Brangelina's natural kid being ugly than you scoring in a pub/club!

So, if you want to avoid the dreaded "let's be friends" line, some urgent remedial action is needed. You could try the "I am the man" trick - repeat it to yourself 500-1000 times a day while looking in the mirror (cheap option). Alternatively, you could seek help from a hypnotist/therapist /guru (expensive option) or sign up for one of those dating/makeover shows on TV! In any event, it is vital that you start to believe in yourself before others will.

Action Stations - Peak time in a club

The graph above shows male hunting activity in a night club where the music stops at 2am. While most men are on the lookout once they enter the club, there is initially no panic. Drinks can be enjoyed, friends can be entertained and chicks can be ogled at. As the night progresses, women are approached, either solo or in wing commander/wing man formation.

Guys usually start with the best looking targets and work their way down, as the rejections pile up and the beer goggles take effect. When the clock strikes the dreaded "10 to 2", it's shoulder to the wheel to find a woman, any woman. There are only 10 minutes before the music stops and the hall begins to clear, so standards go out the window in order to procure some action. Many a man has woken up the following morning regretting this frenzy of desperate shape throwing. The drunken lunging usually continues until practically the last woman has left the joint!

Flashing the flesh

A few interesting facts arise from visual vs verbal gender dichotomy. It probably explains why in order to get the opposite sex's pulse racing, men have to sweet talk or whisper sweet nothings, while women just have to flash a bit of flesh!

Women are well aware of this and, as the graph above shows, know that the fewer clothes they wear, the more attention they get from men. There is a type of woman that shows far less flesh than even a nun. However, I left them off the graph as I didn't want to live like Salman Rushdie (although his wife is very attractive!). There is also a type of woman that shows more flesh than a stripper. Naturists are not sexually motivated however and they are generally heavier than strippers!! In addition, the promise or hint of something is often more attractive than having it flop about in front of you. I discovered this on holidays once when, worryingly, topless female Swedish sunbathers lost their allure surprisingly quickly!

It is really disingenuous when women complain about men leering at them when they go out in a greyhound skirt and/or their boobs hanging out. Well ladies, if you don't want it looked at, don't put it on display! As I recently heard a guy say in a comedy film (can't remember which one!) to a woman in a low cut dress who caught him leering, "Yeah, you wore a dress like that because you wanted men to stare at your feet"!

Men don’t usually flash the flesh, thank goodness. Possible exceptions to this are the buffed up and the inked up. However, generally the more clothes a man wears, the better! After all, no one likes to see a gut hanging out over a pair of speedos, especially if there is a hairy back to go with it! So, unless you’re as smooth as a baby’s arse and have a physique like Arnie in his prime, it’s best to maximise your chances with the ladies by covering up as much as possible!

See no evil, hear no evil

There is a school of thought that men are visual beasts while women are verbally oriented. There has been a raft of books written on the subject in recent times, quoting men's superiority at reading maps etc. and women's superiority at communicating. I must point out that there is also a school of thought that disregards this theory as hokum. But militant feminists/lesbians aside, I think that it's true in general. Now, of course there are women who have good spatial skills and men with good verbal skills, but as the graph above shows, they are in the minority. Men and women do not think the same; our brains are wired differently. I don't think anyone can argue with that. Then how could the sexes be equally good at everything if their brains are different? It is not a statement of superiority, simply an obvious statement of fact - men are better at some things while women are better at others.

I have already touched on the verbal discrepancy between the genders with the post on relative talking rates. From an evolutionary point of view, men had to go out and hunt, be aware of danger and find their way back to the cave. This would encourage good spatial skills to develop over time and to favour those men that had them. Women, on the other hand, had to bring up the sprogs and gossip with the other cavewives. These tasks would encourage communications skills!

In modern life, these skills manifest themselves in various ways. Men ask for directions only as a very last resort. It's a bit like getting overtaken in your car - some men think it makes them less of a man! Women's evolutionary advantage lends itself to nagging the man to stop the bloody car and just ask someone!! Men tend to be better at activities that require hand to eye co-ordination, like sports and driving. Women tend to excel at endeavours that require empathy, diplomacy or shopping!

Men are more liable to be stimulated by visual images while romantic or erotic stories are more likely to do it for women. After all, it is mostly men who buy porn magazines, and it's not for the articles! On the other hand, Mills & Boon sell millions of books a year (all with basically the same plot as far as I can tell!) and I don't think a single copy is bought by a straight man (except possibly as a present for his mother!).

When this principle is applied to dating, it's well known that men like to ogle and tend to judge women on their appearance. Indeed, most men have a favourite female body part that they like to focus their ogling on. Women instinctively know this and therefore dress to attract male attention. On the other hand, women being more verbally oriented, tend to judge men more by their personalities. While this is obviously a better strategy for picking a long term partner, the male approach has its merits for shorter term entanglements!

Desperado!

As mentioned in the previous post on relaxation, the desperation of a single guy increases with the time since his last action. This is probably also true of men in relationships where the ardour has cooled. This is because a man's genetic drive is to go forth and fornicate. If he doesn't, he starts to fret.

As shown on the graph above, the first few weeks are no problem. After a couple of months, the batteries have been fully recharged. If there is still no sign of anything in the pipeline at this point, the anxiety starts to kick in. As the drought continues, the level of desperation increases until after a year or so, you wonder if you'll ever reach the Promised Land again! Severe draughts of 5 years or more and you're worried that you've forgotten how to it or that everything is still in working order!

Breathe!

The graph above shows that a guy's chances of success with the ladies increase with relaxation level. Trying to chat up a chick is very much like a job interview. The only difference is that in the latter you're trying to talk yourself into a job, while in the former you're trying to talk yourself into her pants! And just like an interview for a job that you really really want, the more you like the woman that you're talking to, the bigger the idiot you're likely to make of yourself. This is obviously because you are more anxious and nervous. You tense up, watching your Ps and Qs and afraid to say anything that might blow your chances. If you could only convince yourself that you didn't fancy the girl, you could relax and be your charming witty self! Ironically, if you could do this, your chances would be much better. Trying to measure your words can reduce you to a boring mute or a disjointed, jabbering mess! As the song says, "be yourself, mistakes and all".

Also, it is well known that it is far easier to attract female attention when you already have a woman. Why is this? I think it is because a man who is spoken for is inherently more relaxed than his single counterpart. A single guy begins to reek more and more of desperation as the time since his last shag increases. Consequently, he will be more anxious than he would be if he was in a happy and committed relationship (and thus getting regular action!). This is not good when trying to attract a new mate as it reduces your carousing efficiency. It might be advisable for the single man to become a Zen Master, especially if he is in a bit of a drought!

Cybersex

I touched on this subject before in the post on Internet dating. The graph above shows the approximate number of men and women that would indulge in some sort of online sexual frolics, given half the chance. This is commonly referred to online as "cybersex", or "cyber" for short. It may be a conservative estimate, but I reckon that 90% of men in online chat rooms are either very upfront about it or would partake if given the green light by the fairer sex. It doesn't make much difference if the man is married, engaged, otherwise spoken for or single. This behaviour seems to be more prevalent with younger men, probably due to excess testosterone. Perhaps the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak with the older guys! The corresponding figure for women is quite low and again mostly confined to younger women, or as mentioned previously, men pretending to be women!

Most men go to chat rooms to meet women for sexual activity, not to shoot the breeze with them or talk shite with other guys. Women, on the other hand, will happily chat anywhere, at anytime with anyone for any reason. This is a fundamental difference between the sexes, which I mentioned in the very first posts on this blog.

The anonymity of the web makes the more "direct" methods appealing for some idiots. After all, it is rather difficult to get a slap in the face over the Internet! Guys in chat rooms usually use several techniques to try and get some online action:

1. If the woman has a suggestive online name (e.g. Big_Boobs or Up4It_Now) and/or the guy is young, the crass sexual remark will often be the opening gambit.
   
2. If the woman doesn't have a suggestive moniker, establish where she lives. If meeting up physically is practical, try to engineer that as soon as possible to hopefully get some real action. If she lives far away, on to option 3.
   
3. Start amicably, while making gradually less and less subtle innuendo to see if the woman bites. If she does, proceed to talking dirty. If she doesn't, ditch the time waster and move on to someone else.
   
4. Invite her to use a more "private" or "better" chat (e.g. MSN Messenger) and offer to show her your cam. Of course, you meant your fiddly bits, not your face - how could she not know that? If she bites (not literally!), proceed to having "fun". If not, you're a pervert!
   
5. It's not all bad. Chat amicably, perhaps for months or even years, just for the friendship. Most guys would not see the point of this! Instead, most would eventually organise to meet (regardless of where she lives), fall in love and live happily ever after. Yeah, right!
   

I wonder which of these scenarios is the least likely?!

New site logo

Cue drum roll! Introducing the new site logo, which will be visible on the right hand side of every page from now on! It's in two sizes above, one for those for whom size doesn't matter and one for whom it does!! Given the relative position and tapered sides of the images above, they ended up having a slight "Star Wars" effect! That was purely co-incidental! I've had to write this post for technical reasons, but it's nice to introduce the logo all the same.

I think it turned out alright! OK, so I'm no Leonardo, but it's not that bad and I think it reflects the content of this blog pretty well! It's amazing what you can do with clip art when you put your mind to it!

Belly top suitability

Oh the joys of seeing a belly top adorning the torso of a flat stomached gal. Top it off with a nice tan and/or a belly button piercing and you have one of the finest sights in nature! In fact, if I was David Attenborough, I'd consider doing a series on it!

However, wearing one is fraught with danger as it's a thin line between alluring and disgusting. It's never nice to see a person wedged into an outfit that clearly does not suit their physique. This is especially true with the belly top where even the slightest excess around the midriff is ruthlessly exposed. You could say that ambition is being confused with capability or that there is an absence of close friends to take the offender aside. You have to be cruel to be kind sometimes and this is a prime example of where much embarrassment could be saved with a quiet word.

Surely one of the worst sights in bird watching (of the non-feathered variety) is the so called "muffin top", where the excess blubber spills out over the skirt/trousers like a muffin over its casing. The graph above shows how the chances of looking good in a belly top decreases with every excess pound that you carry.

Best left to the genetically blessed or the super fit, me thinks, just like bicycle shorts on a man! As I like to say "If you got it, flaunt it; if you don't, don't"!!

Peroxide Pays!

The diagram above is the graphical representation of the adage that blondes have more fun! This is probably because, outside of Northern Europe, blondes are pretty rare. The vast majority of native Asians, Africans, Australians, North and South Americans have dark hair. This makes the blonde seem very exotic and therefore desirable. So, the blonde will get far more attention from the opposite gender and thus will tend to have more fun. Or then again, maybe it is just because they are easier to see in the dark of the pub/club/night!!

Funnily enough, this does not seem to work with being ginger. That tends to be seen as more of a novelty in foreign lands and a handicap nearer to home!!! Apparently, about 1% of the human race is afflicted with red hair, most of them descended from the Celts of Ireland and Scotland!

I have no empirical evidence for sorting the other hair colours in order of fun quotient. However, going by the logic above, it is reasonable to assume that, ginger aside, the lighter your hair colour, the more fun you're likely to have!

As most people's hair tends to darken as they age, does this mean that you have less fun as you grow older? This might correlate with the fact that you have the most fun when you're a carefree child, but then you have to grow up, get a job, mortgage etc. Then, when you start getting lighter again (by going grey), chances are that the house is mostly paid off, the kids have almost flown the coop, retirement beckons and the good times can roll again! Now there's a theory!

Ah sure, you'll have another one

As mentioned in the Brewer's Droop and persistence posts, it is accepted by all that drink reduces one's inhibitions. This is true at any stage in a successful conquest; in the pub or nightclub when approaching someone initially, when speaking with someone you are trying to score with and in the sack where some extra experimentation might be entertained. It's not for nothing that the time honoured method of getting a woman in to bed is to ply her with drink!

The graph above shows how increasing amounts of alcohol consumed will result in the lowering of inhibitions. As in previous posts, this welcome relationship does not go on indefinitely as too much alcohol has a detrimental effect. It will reduce inhibitions to the point of coma, at which time you won't be in a position to say no (or anything else) to any suggestion.

Jobs women like for themselves

Like their male counterparts, I presume women would prefer a job doing something they love. That could include being a buyer for a department store (á la Rachel in Friends), a fashion designer or shoe tester! The dream job for many young ladies growing up is probably modelling. The romantic notion of getting paid twenty grand for getting out of bed to model designer clothes all day is quite alluring. Alas, like most dreams, the reality is somewhat different. Assuming you're one of the tiny percentage of women with the necessary genetics, being a clothes horse means you can only dream about eating. Consequently, you can say goodbye to whatever boobs you might have had and say hello to smoker's lung, a deviated septum and the porcelain phone!

For a lot of women, sculpting their coiffure or decorating their nails are heavenly pursuits. So why not get a job where you can do that all day while also talking....a lot! Sounds like a win-win situation. It's probably more fun being on the receiving end of these treatments, but at least you're involved! Addicted to yoga/Pilates/Tai-Bo/aerobics etc? Then why not become an instructor and make a living from your passion?

A lot of women are drawn to noble professions in education and health care. For obvious evolutionary reasons, the female instincts are drawn more towards caring and nurturing than the male. Nursing has long been a traditional career for women and it is hard to conceive a more admirable job. In addition, the once male preserve of medical practice is now opened up to women (at least in the West, that is!). Indeed, the increasing performance gap between girls and boys at school means that medical schools have been taken over by women in some countries!

Just like guys, a lot of women would love a job in the arts or entertainment. Can you shriek like a banshee or do you have the voice of an angel? Either way, a pop career could beckon. A Hollywood leading lady gig would be nice, but you better make hay while you're young. These jobs start to dry up after about 30 and you have to be wary of that casting couch! These days, every second woman in Ireland seems to be writing chick-lit, so why not give that a blast? You might be successful, even if your father is not running the country!

Jobs men like for themselves

Well, what sort of professions would guys like to do themselves? I guess the trick for anybody is to find a job that they love doing. An ideal job is one you'd do even if you weren't getting paid for it. For most guys, that means sport. How many men would love to score the winning goal in a cup final, burn up the best courses in the world as a professional golfer or travel the globe as a playboy racing driver? It certainly beats working for a living. Unfortunately, only a very small percentage of men are good enough at any sport to make it as a professional.

How does rock star grab you? The money, the fame, the adoring groupies would be nice. Can't sing a note or play an instrument? It doesn't stop some, but you can consider a career as a Hollywood leading man instead! Oh, for the chance of saying a line like "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."! More wooden than Keanu Reeves? Try writing or painting. Rich people pay silly money for paintings of squiggles and any old written drivel can sell millions these days (hopefully!). Hell, you can even be a professional video gamer these days. If only I was 10/20 years younger!

I guess most guys want to be a pilot when they are a kid. Some still do when they (sort of) grow up! Jet setting around the world wearing a chick magnet uniform has got to be the business. Or does it? Apparently, an airline pilot's job is quite boring these days with the computer doing almost everything and the pilot just supervising. Then there are the cosmic rays constantly bombarding you with radiation. Being a fighter pilot is still exciting though, especially if it comes with a cool motorbike and Kelly McGillis!! Getting shot down or wearing your stomach on the outside (from massive g-forces) might be possible downsides, however!

Ambitious budding megalomaniacs tend to go into business and/or politics where money and power can be accrued. This usually doesn't come without hard work however, unless daddy (or daddy-in-law) is the chief executive or a big political cheese!

It's not all about power, money and chicks though. There are guys who actually prefer personal fulfilment over Mammon. This admirable bunch includes religious personnel (except those doing it for the altar boys), educators (except those doing it for the holidays) and health care professionals (except those who do it for the prestige/money).

Jobs men like women to have

Men are not immune to the uniform fetish either. One of the traditional favourite female occupations for a guy is the trusty nurse. Maybe it's the fact that they work in the caring profession and are thus more likely to fill the mothering requirement in their ideal woman. Or then again, it could be because of the helicopter joke. Either way, the trusty nurse is one of a man's favourite female occupations.

It is no coincidence that a lot of porno tends to feature nurses (so I'm told!) as it panders to a lot of male fantasies, men being by far and away the largest consumer of said material. I'm not sure if a man would like to actually date a porn star per se, but he would certainly like to meet someone with their "freedom of expression" in the scratcher*!

Another analogous to an entry (retail) in the list of male professions that women like, a woman who has access to cheap beer would be most treasured. This may be a rep for a beer company (ideally) or a bar maid who can slip you the odd free drink or 5 of a night out! Such women are highly prized and much sought after among the brethren.

Being superficial and all, men usually go for looks first in a woman, so modelling would be a popular ideal choice of profession. A lingerie or page 3 model would garner most respect from your peers, and less likely to be a chain smoking, cocaine snorting, mobile phone throwing, anorexic bag of bones like the catwalk variety model. The chances of an average Joe ever scoring with a model are pretty slim, but it can be done!

On a similar note, I don't think Brittany Spears (pre 2007 perhaps!), Shakira or Angelina would be short of takers if they put a lonely heart ad in the paper! The trouble for stars is that it is very hard to relate to normal folk and to determine who is a gold digger and who is genuine. Thus, the dating scene for celebs tends to be rather incestuous and difficult to break into for the aspiring gigolo! We can, but dream, although they are also likely to be quite different in reality from what we perceive


*slang term for bed

Jobs women like men to have

This is the first of a series of posts where I'll investigate the jobs men and women would like for themselves and find attractive in the opposite sex. First off, the male professions that rock women's boats.

Well, everyone knows about women and the uniform effect, especially women who have seen Richard Gere in An Officer and a Gentleman. I'm not sure if a security guard or Burger King uniform will cut it, but military personnel, firemen and police officers exude an aura of heroic manliness. However, the overly macho dispositions, peripatetic lifestyles and inherent danger do not make these types of professions conducive to long term relationships. But for a fling, it's "Hello, sailor"!

Another job with a heroic element and a uniform of sorts (white coat), is the perennially popular (with the ladies) medical doctor. A PhD in weeds or the reproductive system of a gnat won't impress the ladies quite as much, unfortunately. If you can stomach the medic's crazy hours in the early years and his condescending, obnoxious and egotistical personality, then you'll really be on a winner down the pipe. When he is a millionaire consultant, as his wife you will command such respect down in the golf club.

Speaking of sports, a lot of ladies like sports stars, and why not? Nowadays they are usually built like the proverbial brick outhouse and make colossal money. While the aforementioned junior doctors work non-stop for days on end saving lives, soccer stars get twice their yearly salary every week for a few hours of kicking a ball of air around a field. It's a crazy world.

Another profession where the men tend to be buffed of body is in the entertainment business. In addition, you generally don't get ugly rock stars or actors. If you can tame the beast, banish the groupies and like getting your picture taken, then the glittering lifestyle of the rich and famous could be for you. It is not without its drawbacks however. The public and private personas are usually very different, with the outwardly confident star a self-centred neurotic behind the scenes. You may also have to convert to a wacky cult.

What woman wouldn't want a guy who worked in retail (and in shoes, in particular)? The endless shopping that could be done with that precious discount! Since a woman seems to buy a new pair of shoes every other day, a significant amount of her income could be redirected into handbags, cosmetics etc. if she dated a shoe shop owner/manager/worker!

As mentioned in an earlier post, power and money attract women, so men involved in politics and business will also have a female fan base. As my (then) 94 year old grandmother wisely put it when commenting on how a fairly ugly and rich politician managed to get a mistress - "money makes you good looking"! Well said, granny!

Nice wheels

While I'm on the subject of men and their cars, here is another correlation that I've heard about on occasion. Apparently, some women judge how a man might look after them by the condition that he keeps his car in. The thinking here is probably that it is a measure of how he looks after things dear to him. This is bad news for guys who use their car as a mobile tip or to grow spuds in the footwells! Indeed, it's not great either for guys who are a touch anal about keeping the motor in pristine condition (guilty!). This may indicate a hard to please perfectionist or, worse, a psychotic control freak. However, I like to this of it as having respect for yourself and others!

This correlation, shown in the graph above, has ramifications for single male non-drinkers and designated drinkers everywhere. These individuals occasionally get to offer one or more women a lift from the pub to the nightclub or (if he's lucky) from the pub/club to her/their place of residence. Indeed, the latter is the one trump card that the sober guy has when he's out attempting to carouse. This is especially true in climates where it rains a lot, e.g. SE Asia in the rainy season or the West of Ireland all year round!). In wet conditions, looking for taxis is very unpleasant and they are harder to come by. Che-ching - shake those car keys!!!

So get those vacuum cleaners out, guys - it's time to dig up those spuds. You wouldn't want a manky automobile to scupper your chances at the eleventh hour, now would you?! Just don't overdo it - I will try to get my rulebook for what's not allowed (e.g. no eating, drinking, puking, smoking or farting) in my vehicle down to one volume!

Vroom, vroom!

It is often said that a man with a big or expensive car is compensating for a deficiency in the trouser department. Conversely, a man swanning around in a lawnmower engined matchbox is thought to be very secure in his masculinity. The diagram above is the graphical representation of these myths/facts. The bigger the motor, the smaller the todger - the classic inverse proportional relationship.

This is somewhat contradictory to the notion of a so-called "fanny magnet" - a large or expensive car that can be used to attract the shallower type of woman. This type of car is commonly parked prominently outside a club or other social event, preferably when there is the maximum possible number of people watching. A recent trip to the casino square in Monte Carlo has led me to believe that it has been perfected as an art form there! Another trick with a fancy motor that some sad blokes have been known to use is the "party drive by". Here, the muppet drives up and down a street outside a party, asking several women from behind the wheel where the party is. Once enough "possibles" know he's got a flash car, he finally parks and tries to make hay at the party. The pleasing irony about this, I guess, is that most of the women think "weener" when they see the dufus!

My cars have increased in size gradually as I get older. I think this is pretty typical for most guys. Does this mean junior shrinks with age? Any urologist reading, please allay our concerns! Maybe I should trade my average sized car in for a Smart car!

A rose by any other name....

Following on from the previous post and the post on maturity, it is a well observed phenomenon that guys tend to make up nicknames for each other while women don't. This is shown on the graphic above, with 90% possibly being a low estimate for the guys! Furthermore, I don't believe even 2% of women partake in this activity, but a smaller percentage wouldn't be visible on the chart! There is a joke about this difference in the sexes along the lines of:

"When Johnny, Paul and Peter go drinking, they refer to each other as Rooster, Dipstick and Fat Lad. When Mary, Joan and Sarah go drinking and refer to each other as Mary, Joan and Sarah!"

Nicknames used by guys tend to be puerile in nature and could result from anything funny/embarrassing/sad on TV etc. that remotely reminds one guy of another. In addition, a physical feature (peewee, dumbo, schnoze), sexual prowess (slugger, studley) or a foolish/cowardly/brave/unusual act can be used as the basis for a moniker. A somewhat amusing example of the latter is "thump the monkey", the nickname of a holidaymaker who apparently, err, thumped a monkey which had grabbed him on the shoulder.

There are also ironic nicknames (e.g. “tiny” for a giant, “chin-chin” for a guy with no chin or “the business man” for a guy with no business acumen whatsoever) and nicknames arising out of habits or traits (e.g. “pox” for a lucky git or my personal favourite “five past six” for a guy who drives his car with his head inclined to resemble that clock position!).

Guys also regularly address each other affectionately by terms relating to sexual orientation, sexual organs or the intellectually challenged. I won't dignify this behaviour by posting examples, of which there are a multitude!

Such a perfect day - men

Coming up with a perfect day for men was no picnic either. It shares some of the activities with the female perfect day, although only those which involve the bedroom! Starting the day off with some action with your significant other (after all, one must take advantage of the testosterone peak!), you head off for a morning indulging in your favourite sport or hobby. This could be golf, fishing, bird watching (the feathered variety!) or train spotting. After coming home for lunch, your beautiful ex-playmate partner serves up a fine meal while discussing the intricacies preventing geopolitical equilibrium in the Middle East. Dessert is served in the bedroom before you go out for recreational activity, part deux. This could be a game of soccer, snooker/pool with your best mate or ogling at scantily clad nubile young women at the beach/swimming pool.

Then it's time to meet up with the lads for a video game face off (involving much slagging and name calling), drinking session (involving much slagging and name calling) or "friendly" poker game (involving much slagging and name calling), guzzling copious amounts of pizza/fast food for "dinner".

Eventually, you stagger back home to finish the day as you start it, in the arms of your understanding playmate, who is so happy that you had a wonderful day that she sends you into that coma with a smile on your face!

I think I'll cancel that operation after all - this day also sounds good and doesn't involve any major body transformation!

Such a perfect day - women

Two things made me think of doing an ideal day for both genders - the previous 2 posts (obviously) and Rafa Nadal*, by far and away the best clay court tennis player in the world today!

This is quite hard to do for one's own gender, never mind the opposite one, but since when has that stopped me before?! Having said that, I think I've come up with a real doozie for the ladies! After starting the day off with a romantic picnic breakfast and walk on the beach with your significant other (so it's summer obviously, unless you live in the tropics!), you head off to satisfy your primal urge, shopping in the finest boutiques until the early afternoon. After a spectacular lunch discussing your latest shoe purchase with your friends, you unwind after the hectic spending spree in the spa of a seven star hotel. Here, you are pampered with four treatments of your choice from mud, strapping blond Swedish masseurs, cucumbers, tin foil, hose pipes, yoga, floatation tanks and the divil knows what!

After a delightful dinner (with champers, of course) in the finest Michelin starred, low fat, low carb, low salt, low sugar eatery, you head off with your female friends for some entertainment of your choice. This could be your favourite pub, the opera or a Chippendales' show. It's your day, you decide! Eventually, you arrive back home to finish the day as you start it, in the arms of that hunky man of yours.

Hell, I'm almost ready to sign up for the sex-change operation after all that!!


*I read an interview with him lately in which he was asked to describe his perfect day!

A day in the life - male

The above chart shows the breakdown of a typical weekday (in hours) for a working man. Similarly to women, sleep and work take a large chunk of the day and some activities will overlap. In this case, beer and food can be consumed while watching sport on TV or he can shave in a traffic jam (after all, why else would they put a vanity mirror in the visor?!). The remainder of the man's day is spent rather differently to his female counterpart.

A man will happily spend the evening in front of the TV watching sports, porno, DVDs etc. or playing video games. He can do this alone or with friends, with whom he can exchange grunts/high fives/insults with from time to time!

A lot of guys like to go for a drink or two after work in the local pub, maybe stopping into the local takeaway on the stagger home! Alternately, as mentioned above, they can bring drink home from the off-licence and order pizza, all to consume while watching the beloved goggle box!

Straight guys don't spend much time preening. Apart from perhaps combing whatever hair they might have left, shaving and brushing their teeth, the average man will display little pride in his appearance. Having said that, there are a lot of metrosexuals nowadays who can pluck, wax moisturise etc. with the best of them. Along with some homosexual men, they could probably give the gals a run for their money in the preening stakes!

A day in the life - female

The above chart shows a breakdown of a typical weekday (in hours) for a working woman. After allowing 8 hours for kip and 9 hours for working + commuting (obviously only possible if in France or if you live relatively near your place of work!), there isn't a lot of time left to dole out! Of course, these functions can overlap during the course of the day. For example, she can do her makeup in the traffic jam (after all, why else would they put a vanity mirror in the visor?!) or pop into the toilet during lunch to touch up the war paint. If she's really lucky, she may be able to even grab some shuteye at work, depending on the nature of her job. One of my ex-girlfriends actually managed this, but then again she used to fall asleep during many activities!!!! But, I digress....

Assuming the demarcation of the day as outlined in the chart, most of the remaining 7 hours in the day is devoting to gabbing. Following on from the previous post on the relative amounts of talking done by the sexes every day, communicating is much more important for a woman than a man. If you, her partner, is lucky, this communication will be mostly to other female friends or her family. If you are unfortunate, you will have to shoulder the burden yourself. I advise the purchase of flesh coloured earplugs/earphones and learn to nod or say "that's right, dear" every few minutes automatically!

The final activity that a woman tends to spend a significant amount of time on every day is preening. The right shoes with the right outfit must be carefully chosen, with reference to the last time they were worn and what every other woman at work is likely to wear, of course. The application of makeup and various creams and lotions to various parts of the body becomes a ritual for most women. Only they know why it's necessary to apply anti-aging cream to the soles of their feet or moisturiser to hands that they wash 10 times a day! A lot of this preening seems to take place because of some kind of innate female competition, rather than for the delectation of us men folk. Still, whatever the reason, we can still admire them!

Women don't tend to spend a lot of time eating, in comparison to men. A lot of chicks are paranoid about their weight and fear an affirmative response to the "does my ass look big in this?" question!

By the way, I am not trying to discriminate against housewives - I just wanted to compare like with like with the men!

It's good to talk....

...up to a bloody point!!!!

Everyone knows women are better communicators than men, probably for evolutionary reasons (or because God made them that way, if you are a Creationist!). In any event, there are numerous studies out there which, while disagreeing on the actual average number of words said per day by each of the sexes, all pretty much agree that the women speak almost 3 times as much as men. This is depicted in the chart above, with the woman's number of words normalised to 100%.

Some of you guys out there might be surprised that this ratio is only approximately 3:1 and not nearer 10:1. Unfortunately, this is an average number and you may have been very unlucky! This large discrepancy is probably the cause of a lot of matrimonial discord. When a man comes home from work (assuming he is not a kept man!), he has pretty much shot his bolt when it comes to talking. While he may have reached his daily quota, his partner will only be revving up for a talkfest that goes on and on and on!

You can only feign interest for so long. Pretty soon you'll be in "we never talk anymore (like we used to)" or "all you want to do every night is sit down in front of that damn box" territory. It's only a short hop from there to separate bedrooms and then separate lives!

Crazy in love

There's no doubt about it, when it's good, it's great, but when it's bad, it's brutal! Ah, the joys of being in love! Going through the stages of a failed romance is like being a manic depressive. You go from a period of intense happiness (marked by a in the graph above) while in the relationship to a period of equally intense sadness (marked by b) when it goes west.

Usually, the time in the doldrums is comparable to the time on a high, so be prepared to suffer when the hammer blow arrives at the end of a long relationship. When the writing has been on the wall, the slope of the line, L, will be lower, thus cushioning the fall into the shits. However, a bolt from the blue could rapidly plunge the dumpee into a kind of despair that can be harder to climb out of.

With time, you'll eventually climb out of the pit of desolation ready to start the cycle over and over again until you meet that special person!

The loneliness of the long distance lover!

God knows, a relationship is hard enough at the best of times when the amorous couple live in close proximity. Living near to each other allows a relationship to develop naturally and relatively smoothly over time.

However, add distance into the mix and the dynamics alter considerably. If it is a new romance, the "getting to know you" phase must be compressed into a short time frame every weekend (at best). More worryingly, each party only has to be on their best behaviour for a much shorter limited time period. This makes it easier to hide character flaws until perhaps it is too late. A relationship that develops into a long distance one is slightly different. A bond has already developed between the individuals and compromises more easily endured. However, in this case, being away from someone you really care about is very tough. Distance will put a strain on any relationship and eventually someone will have to bite the bullet. If you or your partner do not move lock, stock and barrel, the chances of a successful outcome are slim.

It's not all bad however. Sometimes it's an advantage to have the weekdays to yourself. It allows you to focus on the project in hand (e.g. a thesis, new business venture etc.) while giving you something to look forward to at the weekend.

I think most people would try a long distance romance once, but maybe not twice!

Foreign Affairs

I saw a western guy in his 60s the other day holding hands with an Asian girl in her late 20s/early 30s. I can't imagine it was his wrinkly skin, pot belly or geriatric disposition that attracted her. As Mrs. Merton might ask "What first attracted you to your relatively rich western boyfriend?"!

It was a bit peculiar, but who (if anyone) is using whom there? He might be a dirty old man exploiting the innocent or she could a poor native using a lonely old guy as a meal ticket. Then again, it could be a story of true love transcending the barriers of space and time!

With the advent of the Internet and the rise in immigration to the west, meeting foreign chicks has never been easier. Many women from Eastern Europe and Asia in particular use the web as a shop window to advertise themselves to western men. Many see it as a ticket out of poverty and the chance of a better life in the West. Lonely middle aged western guys need companionship and are willing to travel the world to get it. So, everyone wins, except for the times the women bugger off once they get their papers or when they become virtual prisoners/slaves in their new country.

I'm sure there are genuine tales of love and attraction, but on the whole, the main reason for interest from these impoverished exotic ladies must be for that passport to a better life.

Absence makes the head grow dumber

In addition to absence making the heart grow fonder, it can also have an effect on a dumpee in a relationship.

After you get the red card from your partner, you generally don't see them for a while. During this mourning stage, you constantly think of the great times together, how wonderful and beautiful/handsome s/he and was and so on. Before long, in your mind, your ex- is a cross between Gandhi and Brad Pitt (if male) or Mother Teresa and Pamela Anderson (if female).

The only cure for this affliction is bumping into the ex. This could be in the supermarket, video shop, pub or street. If you're lucky, actually seeing the real person will destroy your mental shrine and you'll think "what the hell did I ever see in this twat/wagon?"!

If, on the other hand, you fall deeper in love/delusion after meeting the ex, you're really in trouble!!

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

This may be true, but it can also make the eyes and fingers wander!!!

Like everything else, if you deny somebody of something desirable, it's only going to make him/her want it more. Now, if that something is the hunk/babe that is you, then obviously being away from you is going to pique your partner's interest.

However, this only works up to a point. What happens if you "forget" to go back? Well, the heart isn't going to keep on growing fonder indefinitely. There will come a time when your unfortunate partner realises that you've done a runner. At this point (after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, obviously), your spurned partner will start getting rather less and less fond of you. Eventually, this will settle down to outright hate, but not to worry - you'll be long gone!

Note that it is only advisable to behave as abominably as this in certain isolated scenarios, like on holiday or on business trips. You wouldn't want to get a bad name in area where you live, now would you?

Ideal man

That guy Freud certainly wasn't sexist. In additional to the Oedipus Complex for guys, he had the Electra Complex* for the girls. Basically, the gist of his theory was that gals want to shag their fathers. To avoid arrest, they usually settle for a guy who reminds them of daddy dearest.

Consequently, Mr Right has to have papa's honour, integrity, decency and unconditional love. In addition, if he had Brad Pitt's looks and six pack circa "Thelma and Louise", the lovable bad boy aura of our own Colin Farrell, the deep thinking intelligence of Albert Einstein, the erudite wit of Stephen Fry, the compassion and understanding of Jesus and the appendage of Ron Jeremy, he should have a great chance with any woman.

That is, assuming he has a good job and prospects, a few bob in the bank, a nice wardrobe, comes from good stock, pees sitting down, doesn't fart etc. etc., of course!


*To assuage any pedantic psychoanalysts out there, I must point out that it was apparently Jung that named it thus! Admittedly, it is a more catchy title than Freud's "Female Oedipus Attitude".

Ideal woman

Well, according to Freud, all us Oedipal blokes want to marry our mother. If you could combine the domestic features of the beloved mammy, the body of Pamela Anderson, the lips of Angelina Jolie and the sexual prowess of a porn star, you'd have most guys' ideal woman!

After all, they do say that a man wants a cook in the kitchen, a maid around the house and a slut in the bedroom!

Aim low, score high

Guys, in particular, like to boast about their conquests. Some like rubbing the noses of their less successful brethren in it. Men being competitive beasts, this increases their sense of masculine superiority and of course, their ego. The standard defence to this boast is the "aim low, score high" accusation!

As the graph above shows, the lower you set your sights while out in the pub/club, the more success you will have. This is a natural consequence of most people knowing what "league" they are in. If you fish in a league below your own, that is to say:

Ly>Lw

where Ly=your league, Lw=the women's league

then you should be able to reap the rewards.

This allows the less successful chap to claim that if he too stooped as low as his successful mate, then his success rate would be as high. This defence can work even if it is not strictly true!

A good start is half the battle

This post was inspired by a sad program I saw on the TV about a guy with painfully low self-esteem. At the age of 26, he never had even touched a woman and he had to go on an intimacy course in Amsterdam to help him overcome his problems.

Anyway, having been more familiar with his plight than I'd care to admit, I got to thinking (which is dangerous at the best of times!). For healthy development as an individual, it really is important to get off the mark in line with your peers. Once you reach a certain age without having had your first kiss, "tit through a jumper", sex etc., the anxiety and self-doubt builds up. After all, you're now at an age where you're supposed to have that experience. The longer it goes on, the worse it gets, and before you know it, you've touched down at Schiphol airport! What is needed at this point is a very understanding partner to get you off and running.

The graph above shows the ideal ages for various rites of passage - first kiss, first bout of petting (I hate that word!) and devirginisation! Although youngsters seem to be starting earlier and earlier these days, I think you're better off waiting until it means something to you.

Win-Win Situation!

Probably the "truest truism" when it comes to understanding the difference between the sexes is the old maxim "Women use sex to get love, while men use love to get sex". This saying really encapsulates the different approaches/goals of the genders. I'd like to shake the hand of the wise sage who came up with this one. Unfortunately, I can't find out who it is using Google, so obviously s/he doesn't exist!

As mentioned in various previous posts, a man's primary goal is to get jiggy with a(ny) woman. He realises that women like flowers and stuff, so he plays the game to inch closer to his objective. Eventually after enough candle lit dinners, boxes of chocolates, moonlit walks on the beach etc., he will usually succeed! However, he would have been just as happy to jump into the sack on day one, if not sooner!

The woman, on the other hand, realises that a man likes to be satisfied physically and hopes that a bond can develop during the consummation of their "love". However, she must navigate the minefield of male double standards. If she succumbs too soon, she might be considered too loose and therefore not long term relationship material. As stated previously, if she takes too long to succumb, he may give up the chase.

In any event, this strange dynamic seems to work, by and large. Men get their action and women get their men hooked on them. And we all live happily ever after.....

I'll have what s/he's having!

Some guys get upset and feel inadequate if they find out their women do a "Sally". Other guys are delighted that they can stop twiddling around down there and go to sleep! Well, it's bad news for the former, I'm afraid and good news for the latter!

I've actually taken some female advice on this matter (albeit a very small sample size!) and apparently the sneaky little minxes are faking delirium about 70% of the time. Worried individuals might want to look out signs of authenticity like curled toes (also fakable) and a flushed face (not so fakable, unless she can increase her body temperature at will!).

While it is obviously harder (but not impossible!) for males to do likewise, we have an even better thing that we can fake - relationships! The things some men will do/endure in the early days of a new romance! I reckon a similar percentage of men (70%) are trying to fool a woman into thinking that he is worthy of allowing her to fake it!

I believe it was the actress, Sharon Stone, who coined the phrase "women can fake orgasms, but men can fake relationships". Well said, Sharon, well said!

What women look for in a man

Damned if I know!

God knows, I've tried to figure this out down through the years!

If you listen to them, looks aren't important and they want a "nice guy", but if you watch them in action, it's rather different! All I know that (trumpet at the ready!) being honest, decent, reliable, considerate, caring, giving, loving, witty, intelligent, thoughtful and sincere doesn't seem to cut the mustard!

From what I can make out, modern women seem to want someone strong, but sensitive; nice, but bad; reliable, but unpredictable; intelligent, but goofy; decent, but exciting; caring, but aloof; funny but serious; an open book, but mysterious; sincere but cheeky; handsome, but beautiful inside; sensible, but adventurous etc. etc.

It's enough to give you a headache!

What men look for in a woman

Following on from an early post on the shallowness of guys, the chart above gives a breakdown of what guys are interested in when it comes to women. Us men being so superficial and all, a pretty face is obviously the most important asset a women can possess. After all, what guy wouldn't like a beautiful girlfriend? Besides, no one wants their mates to see them with an ugly chick! Now, before you ladies start thinking less of us, there are some altruistic guys who will entertain a gal, who may not be the Mae West in the looks department, but might have great boobs and/or legs. See, we're not all Neanderthals!!!

While the face is the prime female asset, most guys would consider themselves to be "boob men", "leg men" or "ass men". I estimate that the "boob men" are more prevalent in society today, while there are roughly an equal number of leg/arse connoisseurs. The minority "Other" category includes guys with more specialised fetishes - chubby chasers, guys who like shoulders/feet and so on!

A small minority of (non-blind!) guys do go for personality before any physical features. Unfortunately, these noble guys are few and far between. This is a manifestation of the rather base saying among men - "you can't f**k personality". I know, I know. Sometimes, I'm ashamed to be a man!

Sport until you drop....

The graphic above shows the percentage of men and women who like sports and shopping. From the chart, we can see that it's about as difficult to find a guy that doesn't like sports as it is to find a gal that doesn't like shopping! They do exist, but they are a rare breed indeed. I suspect that it is as difficult for shopping women to bond with the non-shopping minority as it is for the sporty blokes to bond with their non-sporty counterparts. For guys, that just about leaves women as a main topic of conversation, so if you meet a non-sporty priest at a do, you could be stuck for something to talk about!

Your average woman only gets interested in sport when the local/national team are playing a big game or there's a chance of meeting a strapping guy at the aprés match celebrations (rugger hugger, anyone?!). On the other hand, some guys take it all a bit too seriously, following their team around the country/world and forgetting to get a life.

Shopping for most blokes is like a strike team mission. You know what you want, you go to the shop, buy it (try it on, only if you must) and go home. A quick in and out with no messing! Women, however, take the "George Bush in Iraq" approach to shopping, occupying the shops for what seems like an eternity and never seemingly able to leave!

Always look on the bright side of life....

I may need some Prozac soon if I don't stop this line of investigation, so this will be the last morose contribution for a while! The graph above shows that the difficulty of getting over some one is proportional to how much you thought s/he was 'the one'. If it was a short fling, then usually it is easy to dust yourself off and get on with the rest of your life. Thanks for the fun times and have a nice life!

However, if you were unfortunate enough that your brain to form an unhealthy chemical dependence on the individual (i.e. fall in love), then the rehabilitation period can easily stretch into years. People in this boat can fall into a depressive state for months and in severe cases even contemplate/commit suicide. Unfortunately, the only cure (apart from possibly a frontal lobotomy) for this ailment is time, maybe a lot of it. Things will improve; you just have to hang in there.

Also, try not to punch anyone who utters an annoying cliché like "There are plenty of fish in the sea", "What's for you won't pass you by" or "Que sera, sera"!

She loves me not.....

The chart above shows the relative unpleasantness of certain scenarios (loss of TV signal, celibacy (involuntary or otherwise), torture, loss of a limb, discussion of one's feelings, losing a loved one and unrequited love), normalised to unrequited love, deemed to be the most unpleasant. Is there anything worse than this feeling? Possibly the loss of a loved one, which involves a similar feeling of inconsolable loss. However, while the dearly departed passed away loving you, the object of your affection is still walking around, apparently not giving a toss and even cavorting with others. This makes it worse in my book.

Physical pain can be bad, but everyone knows that the psychological route is the one to go for maximum effect. This has been the case ever since wannabe Torquemadas discovered things like the damage a strategically placed drip of water could do on/to a prisoner's head.

I'd nearly prefer losing my fingernails (ala George Clooney in Syriana) or talking about my feelings at length every day for a year than suffer the torment of unrequited feelings (again)!

This is how you remind me...

Being the victim of an un-engineered dumping in a long term relationship gives rise to an interesting and not altogether welcome phenomenon - that of being constantly reminded of your former amour!

First and foremost, his/her family and friends seem to come out of the woodwork like zombies in Dawn of the Dead. You can't venture to the pub/club/gym/shop/street/restaurant/bins without bumping into one of former partner's circle and getting the "poor loser" look. For a man, the ultimate kick in the cajones is when you bump into your former flame with her new hero in tow (despite her having said that she needed time on her own/to find herself, of course!). The only ways to avoid the loser look are:

• Emigrate/go on a long holiday.
• Don't leave the house. This is easier to do now with the Internet and services like moviestar.ie and Tesco home delivery!
• Get a rebound partner as soon as possible or hire one for public appearances!
  

As if that wasn't bad enough, almost anything in the environment can also trigger memories of your former love, depending on your level of devastation. It might be the postman's aftershave being the same as his, seeing her favourite cereal in the supermarket or spotting someone with an iPod just like his/hers.

The bad news is that in the early post-dumping phase, these reminders are everywhere and unavoidable. The good news is that with time (and possibly counselling), these reminders recede and your pining decreases. Finally, you can get out of the sweat pants, put the ice cream back in the freezer and get back up on that horse! This can be seen in the diagram above, which is the graphical representation of the old chestnut "time is a great healer".